Just Take a Mulligan
The invention of the reality mulligan
I have to give some credit for this blog to Alan Truitt; the hilariously twisted mind behind SICK DAYS. Sometimes I forget that the world doesn’t share my eccentricities, and a simple question both reminded me of that, and gave me something to write about! In this case he asked me about the mulligan; the most beautiful, honorable, gracious rule ever made up by people who suck at golf ….and life.
My friends and I grew up right next to an extremely wealthy community with plenty of country clubs and golf courses nearby. So being of the less fortunate class, we all caddied to earn some extra money in the summer. (Sometimes it was really outrageous money, if bets were won!) Other than the odd surgeon or relief pitcher for the Pirates, most of the people we caddied for sucked ass at golf. I mean they were horrible, they made me look like Tiger Woods, and I’m not even John Daly after a 12-pack of Heineken and 8 shots of Jack!
For four years I watched a chorus line of old, fat, white, rich men tee off into lakes, trees, and parking lots with their only consequence being to dig out a new ball and say that magic word….mulligan! This left an indelible impression on my young and already warped mind. I thought to myself, “My God, what if we could apply such an amazing, liberating principle to real life?” –Thus the all-encompassing, reality-mulligan was born!
Since we were at an age where we made mostly impulsive, drunken, or immature decisions, this idea couldn’t have come at a better time. We agreed that until society at large would evolve and accept this brave new concept; at least we would! Since in golf you can only call two mulligans in a round, we decided that our limit would be two a month. This meant that we couldn’t brutally make fun of, bitch about, or even acknowledge any incident in which a mulligan was applied. Yay!
~You publically offered to buy a stripper a whole new wardrobe of ‘less slutty clothes’- as my drunken and angry friend put it one night-mulligan!
~You puked in the backseat of a friends brand new car (bought 2 days earlier)-mulligan!
~You got arrested for public urination outside of a concert because there were hardly any port-o-potties and I just couldn’t hold it anymore for fuck’s sake-mulligan!
~Knock out fights between good friends-mulligan!
~You met a hot girl and left with her, leaving all of your friends stranded at an out of town club-mulligan!
~Ill advised drunken hook-up’s and on and on…….mulligan! I could obviously go on damn near forever, but by now you clearly understand this princely concept!
It is my sincere hope that someday this humble way of life catches on among those in authority; spouses, God, cops, judges! Imagine where this could be applied to better serve humanity:
~All words said during heated arguments
~All non-injury car wrecks
~Any arrests which are the result of a triple dog dare
~All public urination arrests
~All first time minor drug offences
~Pirating and selling cutting edge software to the highest Chinese bidder-sorry B.G.
The limits here are really as endless as our own immaturity/stupidity/hormonal/bladder control issues!
This would be an especially helpful tool for those people that don’t have the requisite number of filters between their brain and mouth. Even when you have a working filtering system in place, you can allow things to slip through the cracks. It’s like you can see them escaping your mouth in slow motion but just can’t keep those last obnoxious, horrible thoughts in your brain. This would work a lot like the Staples ‘easy button,’ because consequences suck!
Since God made us such fallible, erring creatures, he could at least give us this magnificent ‘do-over’ feature, at the very least twice a month. Come to think of it, all the new models of big bank execs, hedge fund managers, and crooked politicians already come with this upgrade. I think it’s everybody’s turn for a second chance, and third, and fourth, and……….
If you’re playing along at home, then remember only twice a month or life begins to lose its meaning! If you were offended by this post…Mulligan!!