Meet the Gypsies
Happy families are all alike; every Gypsy family is batshit crazy in its own way. We have psychotic, drunken, violent Gypsy neighbors; but hey, doesn’t everyone? They aren’t right next door at least, they’re kept at the rundown end of the village; but they are within spitting, throwing and screaming distance. And they are Olympic quality competitors in all three major events.
This is a rather large single family that lives in one house consisting of a matriarchal great-grandmother who is wheelchair bound, 2 cousins/brothers with 4 sons who are paired up with a combination of 5 different women, all producing 13 offspring (at last count) of multigenerational parentage. If that makes sense? What I’m saying is that everybody (and I mean everybody) has mated and produced children. Jerry Springer and Maury Povich couldn’t sort it out if you gave them a decade and a DNA lab. This is like West Virginia on Viagra.
Somehow they have money even though they have never worked. They don’t buy any food; they steal produce and chickens from the farmers and they steal what they can out of the stores. –This is a known and accepted part of village life. They don’t buy clothes or household goods either; they root through the dumpsters and bring home anything they find. What they do buy is cars, drugs and beer. They will spend 5 grand on a Peugeot and then go steal bread and diapers from the supermarcado. When they are caught, the shop owners will kick them out, but give them a loaf of crusty bread for their efforts.
Every single day at around 3:00pm after the morning’s alcohol has settled in, they begin screaming at each other in a language that is not Spanish, not Romanian and not coherent. They are usually either making threats about stabbing and hitting each other or are already in the process of stabbing and hitting each other. There is another family that often visits consisting of the same social dynamics and mating rituals as the first family. Every time that the family comes for a visit the town turns into a scene from ‘300;’ if all the actors in ‘300’ had beer bellies, opiate addictions and 3 teeth each.
I grew up in a fairly violent neighborhood, but nothing can prepare you for the sudden bloodbaths that erupt around the gypsies. They are always heavily intoxicated, so while it is never a display of MMA finesse, they still do manage to hurt each other quite badly. This weekend was another occasion of the Gypsy family feud. Just imagine if everyone in a trailer park in Kentucky tried to sit around and get drunk and high together. It would produce the same results.
Everyday at around 3:00pm we hear a high-pitched banshee-like wailing followed by breaking glass and, I believe, the sound of groin mauling. This time after a few minutes of commotion we also heard a revving engine, running and screaming, and then the sound of metal changing shape. Apparently they were all sitting around their booty of hoarded garbage when one cousin got it into his head that he had been slighted by his brother/uncle/cousin so he did the only logical thing. He walked calmly behind the offending gypsy and slammed a half filled wine bottle down upon his head. As the brother/uncle/cousin went down in a heap of homemade hooch and blood, the brother/father of the fallen gypsy jumped into the family Peugeot and tried to run over the offending gypsy. He missed. He found an unmovable object in a cement wall.
The first gypsy family all had run to the second story of their casa and they all proceeded to rain down upon the second family anything which could be picked up and thrown. Unfortunately, I didn’t get pics of the real carnage because I didn’t feel like getting stabbed. I was talking to an ER worker who told me that 3 of them came in for treatment. One of them had 2 sets of stitches from 2 separate, previous incidents that all took place in the last 10 days. He also told me that they do stab each other on a regular basis. Never fatally,…. YET. He told me that one single gypsy was treated 13 times in the past 2 years for stab wounds. At least they know the first rule of fight club because they never get arrested.
I’m not done with these people; not by a long shot! I feel like I’m sitting on a gold mine of material here, I just have to figure out what to do with it. I could start a GypsyFights.com modeled after BumFights. I could write a bizarre sitcom around their quirky but loveable behavior. I could launch another hair brained reality show….Real Gypsy Wives of Andalusia? Any other suggestions??