As a personal public service in helping mostly private interest (please pay me?), I’ve decided to assist some major corporations (you can afford me) and institutions (you can’t) to rebrand their tattered images. I’ve brought my selfless nature (again, please pay me) my empathy, dedication, advertising experience, passion and cultural sensitivity to the table in an effort to get the economy and big business (you better fucking pay me) back on track.
Some of these companies’ images and reputations have taken a major blow (see Buick i.e.; Woods) over the last decade, many others have become outdated, and still more never had a clue to begin with. I believe that with it being a new decade and all the consumers want and expect bold honesty. So here are the rebranded, surgically enhanced faces of….
Goldman Sachs – If you’re going to lose your life savings anyway, wouldn’t you rather lose it to the biggest and best?
General Motors – We will most likely get you from point A to point B. What more can you realistically expect?
Freddie Mac – Helping people to live way beyond their means since 1970! Or, as we like to call it ‘white-man rich.’
Fannie Mae – Who wouldn’t trust us with a name that evokes an image of a beaten, alcoholic, southern, trailer park girl? Or female genitalia in the UK? Really? Shit. We didn’t even know about that last bit. Ha, we said bit, get it? Cause they call…..never mind, just trust us!
Lehman Brothers – Leveraging risky investments bets on even riskier mortgage backed securities at a ratio of 35-1. And we think we found a ‘system’ to beat the roulette table of our business practices!
AIG – After losing 99.3 Billion, there’s nowhere to go but up! We hope.
Merrill Lynch – We lost 7.77 billion last year. Trip 7’s!! Luck is coming our way baby!!!!!!
Microsoft – Making Monopoly fun again!
Exxon – Be honest, if you caught that killer wave, you would have rode that bitch all the way to shore too. You can’t blame us for OPEC anyway…..so fuck off.
Home Depot – You can do it, we can help. You do have decent insurance right?
Bed Bath and Beyond – Come in for a bedspread, leave with a shell of your husband’s former self! Oh, and a bunch of other stuff you don’t need but will be glad you bought.
Nike – Tap anything with a pulse!
Bell South – Listening. Answering. Wiretapping.
Ford – Built for the road behind. Way behind. Aren’t you nostalgic at all? WTF?
UPS – What can brown do for you? We don’t mean those terrorists. Or heroin. Hmm…. What can a mixture of red and green, like a dark beige-ish-y color do for you?
Panera – A loaf of bread on every thigh!
Martha Stewart Living – Sharing ideas and insider information!
Fuji – The possibilities (of taking financial control of your economy) are endless!
Dell – Dude, why the fuck did you get a Dell? My crack dealer won’t even take it.
Allstate – You’re in better hands with us than if you went with AIG!
Texas Instruments – Made in China!
*Wild Irish Rose – Not just for homeless alcoholics anymore!
Penthouse – Portable Masturbation Material in the Digital Age!
RNC (Sponsored by NASCAR, the NRA and The American Family Association) – We hate homosexuals, Muslims, minorities, illegals, liberals, commies, socialists, secularists, both coasts and elitists. Come join our big tent!
The Catholic Church – Finally putting little boys behind us! er….
Somalia Tourist Board – Have the adventure of a lifetime on the open seas!
Costa Rica Tourist Board – Still more monkeys than people. And really cheap blow!
Pittsburgh Pirates – Breaking records every season!
Wal-Mart – You never know what you are going to find (or see) here!
St. Pete Florida Tourist Board – Come for the sunshine. Stay because you got addicted to crack!
Subway – We’ll help you look like Jared! Wait no, we mean that we’ll help you to lose weight!
NYCTA Subway System – Hey, we’re safer than that fucking Somalia! And yo, you might meet a Jersey Shore cast member. For realz!