Zodi’s Blog

Facebook Profiles James Patterson

 

James Patterson info

 

Sex: Male

Birth date: 3-22-47

Current City: The Beach House Florida

Relationship Status: Married

Looking for: Ambitious author with a strong desire to make some extra $$. You must be a creative self-starter, and be willing to take your pride out behind the woodshed and shoot it in the back of the head with a big, black gun of some make or model. –I’ll need whoever I next employ to correct that last sentence please.

Activities: Coming up with book ideas and getting other people to write them, sleeping, checking my bank account, getting my name out there, emotionally and financially raping up and coming authors and frowning for the camera.

Interests: Becoming the best known author…or writer…huh(?) for the least memorable work. No, I’m serious. This pays the bills in a big way.

TV Shows: All of my books will be TV shows soon.

Books: I don’t read, but I do write (outlines). 

Quotes: “Show me the Money” –some scientologist.

About Me: I’ve revolutionized the book business. (Now picture in your head Alex Cross pointing at you and saying) “If you don’t like it you can kiss my black ass.” –see why I don’t write my own shit? I got all muddled up there. Hang on let me call Andrew Gross…. Ok, all I want to be is the most thrillingest writer to have ever lived.  

James Paterson’s Wall

 

April 3rd James Patterson- Hiya fans, come check out my award winning website James Patterson.com. USA Today called it the best new interactive website by an author this year! 

 Michael Ledwidge and Maxine Paetro Like This.         

James Patterson Joined the group 1000 monkeys with a 1000 typewriters.

James Patterson wrote on Russell Crowe’s wall.

James Patterson wrote on Gerald Butler’s wall.

~Gerald Butler – No.

James Patterson joined the group, If 100,000 people join this group I’ll bet we can get Gerald Butler to play Michael Bennett.

~Michael Ledwidge Likes This.

April 4th J.K. Rowling – What the fuck is this I hear? Now ‘you’ are writing about Wizards? You and your team of fucking day-laborers are writing about wizards? What is it with you? Are you mentally ill? OCD? You have some type of nefarious scheme to dumb down the entire world? What the fuck is it?

Stephen King Likes This

~James Patterson - There is no need to be rude. I just don’t believe that there are enough good books for young adults. If you give a kid something hard like Crime and Punishment or a Kathleen Neville book they’ll get turned off of reading. I’m just dong what I can to help.

~J.K. Rowling – Oh yea, you’re helping, you big headed idiot.  

James Patterson became a fan of The Women’s Murder Club.

James Patterson became a fan of Alex Cross.

April 5th James Patterson – Can you guys believe that Micheal Bennett has 13 adopted, minority kids? It really makes him lovable doesn’t it?

Michelle Duggar Likes This.

April 5th James Patterson – Hiya fans. I’m now accepting applications for writers. I have to fill 3 positions this week. Must have a high school diploma, and a good feel for the ‘grit’ on the ‘street.’ Did I say that right?

~ Dan Brown – I’m willing to offer commissioned assistance with adjectives on a consultant basis for the present time.

~Stephen King – Ugh. You are both just…awful. Really.

~ James Patterson – Shut up King or I’ll hire Koontz to come over and kick your ass.

~ Dan Brown – See JP, I would change that sentence to, “Quiet yourself Stephen or I’ll contract Koontz for extradition to wallop you.

~ James Patterson – Wowee Dan!

James Patterson became a fan of Maximum Ride.

April 7th James Patterson – Hiya fans. Out this week in hardback; Cross-Examine, Triple-Crossed, Maximum Ride 7: Barely Legal, Maximum Ride 8: Rode Hard and Put Away Wet, and 12 Dead is One Dozen. Out this week in paperback; Cross-Stitch, A Hard Right Cross, 10 Murdered Prostitutes and 11 Pipers Piping.

James Patterson Joined the group Pimpin Ain’t Easy.

April 9th James Patterson – Stephen King just called me the Wal-Mart of Literalism!

~ Stephen King – No, I called you the Wal-Mart of Literature and it wasn’t meant to be a compliment.

~ Dan Brown – @King – Nobody anguishes over your conjecture King. We are the ones making the fat stacks, so suck it you burgeoning bully!

~ Stephen King – Dan, do you know what burgeoning means? Why don’t you go ahead and use it in another sentence. I love reading your unedited, exquisite prose.

Dan Brown – Okay smarty pants….ok, Overhanging her precarious body, Robert Langdon saw a burgeoning face with jaundiced, yellowish skin and gray, dirty-snowy, whitish colored hair and gasped.

~ Stephen King – Holy shit Dan. Please don’t ever, ever stop.

~ James Patterson – Wow that was really great Dan!

April 10th James Patterson – Putting a call out to authors interested in writing between 30 and 70 (depending on sales) books about adolescent vampires. It’s a great way to get your name out there!

~ Stephenie Meyer – I’m calling my lawyer.

April 13th James Patterson – Hiya fans, come over and visit my website to vote for your favorite 100 James Patterson books of all time!

~ Dan Brown – Hey, maybe we should form a collaboration together? I’ll bet your readers would love to know that there is an Egyptian Obelisk right here in the USA, and other fantastic mystical questions abounding.

~ Stephen King – Oh my fucking God…..

April 18, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

51 Comments »

  1. Please don’t tell him about the Canadian Totem Pole in Sydney

    Comment by nursemyra | April 18, 2010 | Reply

    • Well, I googled it and it is a lovely pole, but I have to admit that I’m stumped…haha. Get it? Oh well. He needs it for more wood pulp?

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 19, 2010 | Reply

  2. Haha, love this banter. But I have to confess I have no idea who this guy is, or what the hell facebook looks like, but I’m guessing you have parodied it well. Sounds like he is doing great things for Literalism though!

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | April 18, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh, he’s doing huge things for literalism. If he writes (in a rare moment of writing) that ‘She has a horse face’ he means that someone killed her, and replaced her face with that of a horse.

      Thanks RubyTwoShoes!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 19, 2010 | Reply

  3. Hahaha, I love that someone said “wowee”, LOL. I admit, I haven’t read any of this guy’s stuff, but it sounds like it’s not really his stuff anyhow so I don’t think I missing anything. I do love your facebook pages, lots of smartassery. :-)

    Comment by Mrs. D | April 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow D, you may be the last person in America who can say that. Unfortunately I have. They don’t have libraries here and Amazon takes 2 weeks to arrive. So in between Amazon shipments I’ve had to find books in the second hand shops and being an addict…I’ve read a lot of them. They are actually entertaining in the way that 80’s sitcoms were entertaining…you can zone out for long stretches and not miss a beat.

      Thanks Mrs. D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 19, 2010 | Reply

      • I hope you don’t think I’m an illiterate non-reader, lol. I do read a lot, but I guess I just don’t read the same stuff. And are these mystery-suspense type stories? b/c I just don’t do those. Romantic/dramatic classics, chick-lit, bios, and non-fiction for me. Oh and I admit to reading Twilight, too ;-)

        Comment by Mrs. D | April 19, 2010 | Reply

        • I don’t think that there is a single blogger who is a non-reader. Yea, they are mystery-suspense-thriller type books which are probably the most dumbed down popular books around now. But they sure are entertaining…that category I mean.

          I heard that Twilight isn’t half bad. If I get desperate enough…

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 19, 2010 | Reply

  4. LOL! This is fucking brilliant.

    The only person who annoys me more than James Patterson is Nicholas Sparks. Sparks writes books that get turned into Miley Cyrus movies and claims he’s a much better writer than Cormac McCarthy. What a douche bag.

    I love the “vote your 100 favorite James Patterson books.” Nice! And “day laborers.” hahahaha You nailed him dude. It would be awesome if he read this. Well, except that he would think this was all a compliment. ;-)

    Comment by Jay | April 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I have read Angela’s Ashes and it was pretty good but Cormac McCarthy is one of my favorite modern authors, he’s just a beast. As you can tell, I do love King too.

      I’m actually afraid to let Patterson read this, I’m afraid he’ll kidnap me, chain me up and make me write ‘as’ Dan Brown. God knows what goes on in South Florida….

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 19, 2010 | Reply

  5. YES! I picked up one of his books in the store and got through a page or two, but thought it read like a retro pulp comic book, yet they fly off the shelf. I love how you had King slamming him. Great post as always.

    Comment by Dan McGinley | April 19, 2010 | Reply

    • The one good thing about his books is that if you need one for a flight from Miami to Tampa or need a book to take in to take a really good shit with…he’s your man. Seriously if you have a half hour to kill, and I do mean kill….

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 19, 2010 | Reply

  6. HAHAHAHAHA!! (Or, because you like to be different, “heh heh heh heh heh”)

    Even though I’ve only read one of his books, I feel like I know the guy personally. When I was in Nicaragua, they had a second hand English bookstore comprised entirely of James Patterson and Clive Cussler novels, all donated by (lame) travellers and then sold at face value to those desperate to read something (anything, obviously), in English.

    I honestly thought about moving there and opening my own store, seeing as where I live you can get a dozen James Patterson novels AND Clive Cussler’s fucking watch, all for less than you’d pay for a Starbuck’s tall Caramel Macchiato.

    “Dan Brown- “Quiet yourself Stephen or I’ll contract Koontz for extradition to wallop you…””

    Just one of the reasons why you are the master.

    Comment by bschooled | April 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Haha, the second hand shops here are one of the reasons I hate him so much. I’ve ended up reading way too much of ‘his’ ‘work.’ It leaves you with a feeling of having sat through an all day 80’s Stallone action marathon on TBS…or something. Just….awful.

      I thought about throwing Cussler (and his watch) into the banter but couldn’t get in touch with CLT for his prior approval. I’ve infringed on far too many copy writes in my time.

      Google the list of 20 worst Dan Brown sentences, it’ll blow your doors off.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 19, 2010 | Reply

  7. Stephan King is hilarious.

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | April 19, 2010 | Reply

    • He is. He publicly slams Patterson and Brown every chance he gets.

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 19, 2010 | Reply

  8. Blaahhaha I just finished reading the latest Alex Cross shite. When you can friggin guess the ending in the first few chapters you kinda want your money back. I have however finally started reading the Stieg Larsson Trilogy.

    Comment by frigginloon | April 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I read em too Loon, I can’t help myself. Like I said, if nothing else, they are a distraction. My wife has read those three and I’m thinking of kicking them off soon. I heard they are good….

      Thanks Frigginloon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 19, 2010 | Reply

      • They are brilliant Scott, well worth putting yourself in a hammock for the day and let the world go by without you!

        Psst In the last Alex Cross book I was rooting for friggin Nana to keel! It was like die already!!! For someone who had nothing to do with the friggin story she was half the plot line!

        Comment by frigginloon | April 20, 2010 | Reply

        • Damn she’s still alive? I’ve been rooting for her to die for the last 13 years. I’d feel bad but she is a fictional character and all.

          And what’s up with all his main characters having dead wives?

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 20, 2010 | Reply

  9. James Patterson walked over to the obelisk, staring at the words imprinted in the third corner, which pointed to the dairy queen, built in the late nineteen hundreds by disciples of the order of Corporal Sanders, took out his one-of-a-kind IT decoder ring, given to him by Stephen King, opened the secret compartment, pulled out the ancient Mayan calendar scroll, unrolled it, read it’s message, which stated, “Dan Brown is gay”, compared it to the words written on the obelisk, said, “O my God . . . not again”; jumped up, started running at full speed down the one-way street the wrong way and was instantly run over by a nineteen thirty-four Pierce-Arrow, driven by Dirk Pitt, who was on his way to meet Brenda Flameslut, for some much needed sex, after rescuing her from Disneyworld, where she was held captive by Goofy, as his personal groomer, on Matterhorn mountain, for the past sixteen years.

    Do I get the job?

    Comment by jammer5 | April 19, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s one holy hell of a sentence. I’m in awe at how it had the ability to just keep going and going….and going and going…..like a crackhead who has discovered crystal meth.

      I think Patterson will hire you but you have to be willing to work while chained to a cement post in his basement. Your pay will be in head pats and apple cores. But it IS a great way to get your name out there.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 20, 2010 | Reply

      • I entered a ‘run-on sentence’ contest years ago. I took third place with one that ran one and a half pages. The winner’s ran three. Now that was fun :-)

        Comment by jammer5 | April 20, 2010 | Reply

        • Amazing work Jammer really. I think you should take the job!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 21, 2010 | Reply

          • There is a certain amount of talent necessary to obfuscate facts using commas, colons and semi-colons.

            Comment by jammer5 | April 21, 2010 | Reply

            • It takes a ton of talent ot obfuscate facts, that’s why I have to grudgingly respect Rush…..

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 21, 2010 | Reply

  10. Oh Sweet Jeebus!! This is gold

    Have you see his commercial!!? He basically says if you don’t read his latest book something bad will happen to you, it’s a fucking riot

    1000 monkeys with 1000 typewriters killed me

    Comment by dianne | April 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Holy shit he has a commercial out? His head actually fit inside a frame? I’m going to have to find that bad boy.

      I think the ‘1000 monkeys’ thing was something he took a bit too literal.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 20, 2010 | Reply

      • I remembered it wrong, he threatens to kill Alex Cross
        it’s funny how I remembered it as more ominous, but then again he’s pretty scary
        he also invented a new word – un-put-downable

        Comment by dianne | April 20, 2010 | Reply

        • Hahaha, it’s like National Lampoon threatening to shoot that dog. Except nobody wanted the dog to get shot. And Colbert is the only one allowed to invent words around here!

          BTW, his head is a registered WMD.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 21, 2010 | Reply

  11. Scott, you have neatly carved a brutally funny niche with these Facebook profiles. Nice hatchet job on yet another hack. No one deserves it more. James Patterson truly is the Clive Cussler of Literalism.

    And this? This is The Shit:

    “You must be a creative self-starter, and be willing to take your pride out behind the woodshed and shoot it in the back of the head with a big, black gun of some make or model.”

    That puts the “L” back in “LOL”.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | April 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m glad you appreciate my niche carving ability, like Kevorkian’s actual doctoring skills it has gone underappreciated. I’m like the writers version of Dexter with the hatchet job on hacks. Hypocritical…maybe….ok yes.

      Thanks for all the compliments CLT, without them I would just be something something.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 20, 2010 | Reply

  12. Damn, Scott, you’re good at this! I want you to run a fictional FB.

    Comment by Pamela Villars | April 20, 2010 | Reply

    • I should start one up. It would be a lot funner than the original. And be a lot more open to litigation…hmm.

      Thanks Pamela!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 20, 2010 | Reply

  13. Excellent, but now perhaps time for a real Zodi FB like disclosure as you are tagged!

    http://hambocentral.blogspot.com/2010/04/ive-been-tagged-so-here-are-7-hambo.html

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | April 20, 2010 | Reply

    • I’d prefer more of a Demi Moore Full Disclosure but ok.

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 20, 2010 | Reply

  14. I am late to the party, but I’ll join the chorus and say well done amigo. Funny bit Scott.

    I am no book snob, but I have never read Patterson, Brown, Cussler, nor King even (really). I did though read a Patricia Cornwell book once, so I think that counts.

    Comment by Fundamental Jelly | April 20, 2010 | Reply

    • You’re never late FJ, we never stop the partying. It’s just the way we roll around here.

      Holy shit, how in the hell have you avoided popular fiction like that? I’ve read almost everything that almost every one of those authors has written with the partial exception of JP. King is probably my favorite author of all time as well. So as a favor to me personally, try a King??? Maybe The Talisman or The Stand….???

      Please?

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 20, 2010 | Reply

  15. What I find incredibly amusing other than what you wrote, is the time it had to have taken to do it. Too much work for me. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | April 20, 2010 | Reply

    • Why do you think it was a lot of work? No, not at all. Same as any other post, just with the addition of color and the tab key.

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 20, 2010 | Reply

  16. I volunteer to write for him. As long as I can get the royalty checks. I’m giving this post ten thumbs up for presentation. It’s incredible.

    Can I borrow your thumbs?

    Comment by Claire Collins | April 21, 2010 | Reply

    • If you write for Patterson will get a .005% percent cut. Across the board. Plus it’s a great way to get your name out there. The problem you’d have is picking a name. lol.

      It would depend entirely on what you plan to use them (my thumbs) for.

      Thanks Claire!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 21, 2010 | Reply

  17. My mom and my brother wouldn’t find this funny at all. Huge fans. They swap books.

    I, of course, think it’s fricken brilliantly hilarious.

    I have yet to go to the dark side.

    Comment by Candy | April 21, 2010 | Reply

    • I have read more than my share of his drivel, but everyone has to admit that it is absolute crap. Entertaining crap…. Sometimes, but crap nonetheless.

      But I can assure you (on behalf of the dark side) that you will be welcomed with open arms!

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 21, 2010 | Reply

  18. LOL! How incredibly hilarious. So happy to have stumbled upon your blog today. And this one is simply brilliant. Out of curiosity, how long did it take you to write this? And what are you doing in Spain? THANKS for all the laughs.

    Comment by brunettehead | May 17, 2010 | Reply

    • They usually take me an hour or two, sometimes a tiny bit longer if I’m playing with photos or something.

      We moved to Spain because we had the opportunity to live here while we tried to sell a few homes. All of the planets were in alignment with our lives in Florida at the time. I’ve always wanted to travel and live around the world.

      Thanks Brunettehead!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 17, 2010 | Reply

  19. [...] James Patterson- Sorry I took the piss out of you earlier. I was only joking. But you do have the biggest head in the history of physical and metaphorical [...]

    Pingback by Short Stupid Letters « Zodi’s Blog | July 8, 2010 | Reply

  20. Oh wow. “Michelle Duggar likes this” and “James Patterson joined the group Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy” made me snort. I used to read Patterson when I was in middle school because my Mom is a huge fan and I would read any book that wasn’t nailed down. I also read stuff like “The Passions of Chelsea Kane” because my Granny would send me her old books. Fun times.

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | July 9, 2010 | Reply

    • Hey Megan you followed a link! Wow, I didn’t think anybody did that these days, how absolutely wonderful!

      I’ve also read a bunch of his books, mainly because I’ll also read anything that isn’t nailed down. I actually do think they are entertaining in a very, very dumbed down kind of way. I hate the way he rapes every author he can get his hands on though.

      Thanks Megan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 10, 2010 | Reply

  21. Great job!

    I’ve been meaning to see if this dude is any good. Mostly because of subway posters. So thanks to Amazon free trial books I actually got to read a little of Daniel X. Forget about being stupid, its just written badly… After reading Patterson’s response to Stephen King “I am not a good prose writer I am a story teller” (paraphrased) I decided he should be beaten with a blunt instrument. Who reads this profound garbage. There are plenty of decent writers with light books, who can write.

    Thanks for the laugh and a chance to vent!

    Comment by alexi | March 29, 2011 | Reply

    • He’s just awful isn’t he? I’d rather read YouTube comments about country music video’s that read his absolute droll.

      Thanks for stopping by, come back often!

      Thanks Alexi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 30, 2011 | Reply


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