Mostly Short and Somewhat Angry Letters.
Rush Limbaugh to Glenn Beck- Dude, you’re taking this thing way too far and you’re starting to piss me off by stealing my audience and advertising. It’s always been my gig to make white people angry and frightened and then sell them gold to be used during the Armageddon era. Get your own shtick you douche.
Oh and hey one quick question; how are you after that ass surgery you had a while back? Probably all better yea? I was wondering what kind of pain meds they gave you? Because my ear has been bothering me and lately my conscious and soul have both been hurting like a bitch.
Let me know if you have any extra (Percs, Vics, OCs, Demerol, ect..whatever) you can spare. I’ll gladly pay you whatever you think is fair, really.
Let me know ;-P
God to all the people from Noah’s generation- I call a mulligan.
JFK to Lee Harvey Oswald- I call bullshit.
Gulf of Mexico Marine Life to British Petroleum Co.- Hey BP, we got your crude right here (grabbing fish balls). Hope you got your dead demon fish, assholes.
Reality to Lindsey Lohan- What we have here…. is a failure to communicate.
Caps lock to the general public- – WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE SO AFRAID OF ME? I AM NOT ANGRY. I AM NOT AGGRESSIVE. I’M NOT EVEN PARTICUALLARLY EXCITED. IT’S MY JOB TO TAKE NORMAL LETTERS AND JUST MAKE THEM BIG. YOU PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK I’M GOING TO COME TO YOUR HOME AND KILL YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY WITH POWER TOOLS AND FARM MASHINERY. PLEASE DON’T BE AFRAID OF ME. I’M A RELAXED AND HAPPY ENTITY WHO HAPPENS TO LOVE SUNSETS, LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH AND AFTERNOON NAPS.
I’M JUST SO TIRED OF BEING MISUNDERSTOOD! I’M REALLY MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDLY!
Lakers to Celtics- No, no we’re just busting your balls. NOW GO GET YOUR FUCKING SHINEBOX!
Caps Lock to Lakers- COME ON. WAS IT REALLY NESSESARY TO INVOLVE ME? JESUS.
Heroin to Pete Doherty- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi whatcha doin? whatcha doin? whatcha doin? whatcha doin? Wanna get high? How about now? How about now? How about now? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete…….
Amy Winehouse to Crack- OhmyGodyoumakemesohotIwantyouinsidemerightnow!
Glenn Beck to Sanity- “It puts the lotion on it’s skin. It puts the lotion on it’s skin or else IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!”
Caps Lock to Glenn Beck- OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.
Slugs to Salt- Just stay away from us. We don’t want no trouble, you hear?
Priest, Rabbi, Horse, Irishman, Pole, Black, Mexican and Bar to Comedian- You owe us some major royalties. Please cease and desist any and all references to us until payment has been rendered or you will be hearing from our attorney.
P.S.- Attorney is also an original claimant.
Stieg Larsson to Death- This is so not cool. Seriously Death; you are a total prick.
James Gandolfini to Tony Soprano- I really, really miss you. You…. Complete me.
Sarah Palin to Russia- I’ve got my eye on you Russia. Grrrrhhh!
Dog to Flashlight Beam- Oh my God, what the hell are you? I want to catch you and shake you and kill you so badly but I can’t ever get a hold of you. Oh my God what the hell is going on, how the hell are you even doing this?
O.J. to Nicole Brown Simpson- Hey where are you headed off to? Ha! Get it? Because… you know… I love that joke!
Rosie O’Donnell to Time- Well played Time. Well played indeed.
Classmates.com to Facebook- You totally ruined our business model. Now we are going to kill ourselves. We thought you should know that it’s entirely your fault.
Joe Biden to his muzzle- Mmmmph. Errgghhhphhhmmmghh.
John Daly to Michael Jordon- I’ll bet you 50k that Tiger gets caught again.
MJ to John Daly- Make it an even 100.
Pete Rose to MJ and Daly- Can I get in on this action?
Tito Ortiz to Jenna Jamison- If you accuse me of domestic violence even one more time, I’ll slap the two penises right out of your mouth.
Richard Simmons to Subway Jared- Do you want to sweat on some oldies?
Subway Jared to Richard Simmons- Yes.
John Travolta to Double Cheeseburger- Oh shit, you made me shoot dignity in the face.
Tom Cruise to L. Ron Hubbard- Dude! You’re right, this was the Best. Practical. Joke. EVER!