Mostly Short and Somewhat Angry Letters.
Rush Limbaugh to Glenn Beck- Dude, you’re taking this thing way too far and you’re starting to piss me off by stealing my audience and advertising. It’s always been my gig to make white people angry and frightened and then sell them gold to be used during the Armageddon era. Get your own shtick you douche.
Oh and hey one quick question; how are you after that ass surgery you had a while back? Probably all better yea? I was wondering what kind of pain meds they gave you? Because my ear has been bothering me and lately my conscious and soul have both been hurting like a bitch.
Let me know if you have any extra (Percs, Vics, OCs, Demerol, ect..whatever) you can spare. I’ll gladly pay you whatever you think is fair, really.
Let me know ;-P
God to all the people from Noah’s generation- I call a mulligan.
God says, “My bad.” Oh and I guess Morgan is the official image of God on this blog from now on. So if you have a question or complaint… take it to Morgan.
JFK to Lee Harvey Oswald- I call bullshit.
Gulf of Mexico Marine Life to British Petroleum Co.- Hey BP, we got your crude right here (grabbing fish balls). Hope you got your dead demon fish, assholes.
Reality to Lindsey Lohan- What we have here…. is a failure to communicate.
Caps lock to the general public- – WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE SO AFRAID OF ME? I AM NOT ANGRY. I AM NOT AGGRESSIVE. I’M NOT EVEN PARTICUALLARLY EXCITED. IT’S MY JOB TO TAKE NORMAL LETTERS AND JUST MAKE THEM BIG. YOU PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK I’M GOING TO COME TO YOUR HOME AND KILL YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY WITH POWER TOOLS AND FARM MASHINERY. PLEASE DON’T BE AFRAID OF ME. I’M A RELAXED AND HAPPY ENTITY WHO HAPPENS TO LOVE SUNSETS, LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH AND AFTERNOON NAPS.
I’M JUST SO TIRED OF BEING MISUNDERSTOOD! I’M REALLY MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDLY!
Lakers to Celtics- No, no we’re just busting your balls. NOW GO GET YOUR FUCKING SHINEBOX!
Caps Lock to Lakers- COME ON. WAS IT REALLY NESSESARY TO INVOLVE ME? JESUS.
Heroin to Pete Doherty- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi whatcha doin? whatcha doin? whatcha doin? whatcha doin? Wanna get high? How about now? How about now? How about now? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete…….
When Heroin calls you GOTTA pick up!
Amy Winehouse to Crack- OhmyGodyoumakemesohotIwantyouinsidemerightnow!
Glenn Beck to Sanity- “It puts the lotion on it’s skin. It puts the lotion on it’s skin or else IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!”
Caps Lock to Glenn Beck- OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.
Slugs to Salt- Just stay away from us. We don’t want no trouble, you hear?
Priest, Rabbi, Horse, Irishman, Pole, Black, Mexican and Bar to Comedian- You owe us some major royalties. Please cease and desist any and all references to us until payment has been rendered or you will be hearing from our attorney.
P.S.- Attorney is also an original claimant.
Stieg Larsson to Death- This is so not cool. Seriously Death; you are a total prick.
James Gandolfini to Tony Soprano- I really, really miss you. You…. Complete me.
I miss him too James.
Sarah Palin to Russia- I’ve got my eye on you Russia. Grrrrhhh!
Dog to Flashlight Beam- Oh my God, what the hell are you? I want to catch you and shake you and kill you so badly but I can’t ever get a hold of you. Oh my God what the hell is going on, how the hell are you even doing this?
O.J. to Nicole Brown Simpson- Hey where are you headed off to? Ha! Get it? Because… you know… I love that joke!
Rosie O’Donnell to Time- Well played Time. Well played indeed.
What are you looking at?
Classmates.com to Facebook- You totally ruined our business model. Now we are going to kill ourselves. We thought you should know that it’s entirely your fault.
Joe Biden to his muzzle- Mmmmph. Errgghhhphhhmmmghh.
John Daly to Michael Jordon- I’ll bet you 50k that Tiger gets caught again.
MJ to John Daly- Make it an even 100.
Pete Rose to MJ and Daly- Can I get in on this action?
What? You think this will hurt my stats?
Tito Ortiz to Jenna Jamison- If you accuse me of domestic violence even one more time, I’ll slap the two penises right out of your mouth.
Richard Simmons to Subway Jared- Do you want to sweat on some oldies?
Or cock?
Subway Jared to Richard Simmons- Yes.
John Travolta to Double Cheeseburger- Oh shit, you made me shoot dignity in the face.
Tom Cruise to L. Ron Hubbard- Dude! You’re right, this was the Best. Practical. Joke. EVER!
78 Comments »
Leave a Reply
Recent Comments
LMFAO! How do you come up with this stuff?!
I guessing too many drugs when I was younger…?
Thanks Lisa!!
bahhaa love the lyndsay lohan one especially haha good one. i wanna havewatever youre having
From one of the best movies of all time!
Thanks Susi!!
Blahahaha hairy back Rosie cracks me up, she would make a great new information minister but she is likely to get stoned when they find out her sexual preferences
I wouldn’t want to be the one to throw the first stone. Not at her bad ass self.
Thanks Loon!!
True, I remember her in A League Of Their Own, even Madonna was scared of her
And with good reason.
That is an awful (funny) pic of Rosie.
It is awful, just awful.
I assume readers ability to understand these notes is inversely proportional to their age above 35; I got 3 and I’m 55 years old, par for the course?
No Dave. I just went over them and even if you haven’t turned on a TV in 20 years the very minimum you should have gotten was 10. Minimum!
Thanks Dave!!
It’s official then, I am a recluse!
Even if you never owned a TV or read a newpaper you should know at least 7. At least!
I concentrated really hard this time and thought, still only got 5; yep I’m OLD!
I’m sorry that this is driving me so crazy…but I have to go over this step by step for at least the seven that I meant…..
1- God to Noah- you know that, you’ve read the bible.
2- JFK to Oswald- You’re well read enough to know the many discrepancies in the public story.
3- Fish to BP- you got that.
4- Caps Lock …you got that.
5- Slugs to Salt… you’ve put salt on a slug.
6- Priest, Rabbi, etc.. I’m sure you’ve told a million jokes, “A priest, a rabbi and a…walk into a bar… you got that.
7- Dog to Flashlight Beam- you’ve seen dogs chase flashlights..?
And I’m curious about two..
8- OJ to Nicole- You had to have heard about the famous American football star who killed his ex wife by damn near decapitating her and her date in LA one night…?
9- You must have heard something in the past decade about Tom Cruise and scientology..?
Dear Scott, please don’t distress yourself;
God and Noah, fine, WTF is a mulligan?
JFK, yep… what’s calling bullshit got to do with it?
Fish to BP, not a clue! What’s a demon fish?
Caps lock, slugs and priest et al, yes (at least I hope so!)
Dogs and flashlights, only ever had 2 dogs, never saw either do that trick…
OJ, didn’t know it was a beheading, just ignorant is me.
Tom cruise and the loonies, yes.
My only other one was Ms Palin.
I am very happy to be known as a total dork, honestly (if I knew what that really meant…)
I’ll concede the others to you Dave but two posts ago, I wrote about both demon fish and mulligans. Then in the comments of that post, you asked me what a mulligan was and I explained it. Have you been slamming whiskey before commenting lately??
Oh, one of those mulligans, got it! I can’t remember what I did yesterday, how the fuck am I supposed to recall something from one of your epics from 2 posts and accompanying novels of comments ago? Your excellent blog is attaining sickdays status BTW, great posts and amazing comments…
And why only before, what about during after and all other opportunities?
I have a near photographic memory when it comes to trivial minutia Dave. It’s only real life’s important stuff that I can’t keep a handle on. I’m always shocked when my driver’s license has been expired for 2 months.
Why not? Well, I’ve tried the ‘its five o’clock somewhere thing’ for a few years and it wasn’t as fun as it sounds. Vodka just does not go as good with cereal as one would expect…..surprisingly.
Thanks Dave!!
Your CAPS-jab was awesome =) But it didn’t leave me feeling any more at ease with enormous, raging letters…
Is Rosie’s head on a terrorists body? That chest looks familiar…
I loved the caps banter myself.
That’s Rosie’s head on Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. And it works!
Thanks Ron!!
You are either a genius or severely mentally ill. I’ll be betting on genius! lol.
P.S. LOVED THE CAPS LOCK!
My educated (bah) guess would be that genius would be facing some long odds at the casino. But thanks!
Thanks Miranda!!
If we had “Merry Mulligan Day,” Morgan would have no worries.
BTW, I know you’ve made it clear previously that you know nothing about farming, so I’m *sure* you won’t be offended if I point out that it’s farm MACHINERY (with a nod to the CAPS), and not “mashinery” – unless that was intentional, ’cause I ‘spose it does “mash” shit all to hell for the most part, anyway.
WELL DONE, HOTNESS!
See that the beautiful thing about God, especially an omnipotent, omnipresent God like Morgan; he can call as many mulligan’s as he likes. That’s what reincarnation is for, I think.
As tempting as it may be to embellish, and as much as mash may indeed work I can’t lie; that was just a typo. It may have been a typo inspired by the genius within my fingers though.
I’m surprised that Word didn’t catch it either. It seems I have an angry letter to write.
Thanks Dessert Rat!!
Dan to Scott: Best post EVER! Great use of CAPS! And if you spelled “machinery” as “mashinery” on purpose, it’s even more genius . . . like stuff “mashing”. The picture of Rosie? I truly believe it was an untouched photo . . . she could be a great hitman on “The Sopranos”. Funny you mention Palin, as for Father’s Day I got a book entitled “Going Rouge” (not “Rogue” — yet another brilliant word play), and it’s true . . . she’s crazier than believed. Do they have a Spanish Father’s Day? Here’s wishing you the best day ever. Damn you’re one funny amigo.
Just an accidental typo Dan but it has given me some more material as now I have to write a letter to both Word and to Fingers for being so stupid. Or maybe it’s Brain that’s stupid and Fingers are only dumb robots carrying out whatever nefarious plans that stupid Brain has cooked up.
I hope you enjoy your new book, if it is a satirical stab at Palin it should be a ball. Because (satirically) stabbing Palin is always a good time.
Hope you have a fantastic Father’s Day as well!
Thanks Dan!!
Tony Hayward to Barack Obama: “What do you mean no more mulligans?”
That was a great one! I see this morning that BP has hired a new, American front man.
Thanks Thomas!!
OhmyGodyoumakemesohotIwantyouinsidemerightnow!
Amy Winehouse’s letter to crack was kind of sensual, they must be pretty intimate
Too funny!
The CAPS thing was great.
Intimate? Winehouse and Crack are more romantic than any couple seen since Ross and Rachael. They are like a romantic couple on….well on crack.
Wait till you see the made for TV movie; Fabio plays Crack!
Thanks Mrs. D!!
Scott, this was a wickedly funny post. You spooked the bejesus out of me though with that ‘Rosie’ photographic amalgamation. So much so that I have to leave now for a cleansing ritual.
My apologies for spooking the bejesus out of you. My suggestion is to immediately head over to the offices of The 700 Club where they can re-bejesus for the low, low price of 700 dollars. At least I believe that’s how much it would cost, it would make more sense than anything else Pat has come up with.
Thanks Elizabeth!!
Most enjoyable and I could have kept on reading more in the same genre. CAPS is definitely a popular ‘author’ amongst your gang, but my personal favourite was James Gandolfini to Tony Soprano. Mainly as I am 6 – YES, SIX! – thanks, CAPS – episodes away from the ending and I too already miss Tony. Not so much Paulie (the guy with grey ‘wings’ on the sides of his hair) – he is a freak and needs to get whacked.
The Wire and The Sopranos are the best two series in the history of television. Slow it down Mitzi. You do not want to be done and thus forced to watch Bones or some shit.
Chris was by far my favorite character other than Tony because I could identify with him forever. But I did like Paulie too if only for being an amusing character.
Thanks Mitzi!!
Ok, a few of these went over my head, but I laughed anyway cuz I wanted to fit in….
But the ones that made me laugh the most (for real) were ‘slugs to salt’ and ‘dogs to flashlights’ hehehehe, I think I found them suitably juvenile for my current mood (not that I am suggesting you are juvenile, its just that I’m sitting here farting and its amusing me no end…)
Great Scott! I loved them!…(see what I mean? That pun was just childish…)
I love when I’m in that juvenile mood Ruby. Unfortunately it’s a mood I find myself in almost all the time. And you can guarantee I’ll be in a juvenile mood if it’s a completely inappropriate time to be in such a mood like weddings and funerals.
Farts really only amuse me when I can torture somebody with them. Especially when I can sneak one into a grocery bag and then get my wife to smell it!
Thanks Ruby!!
Argentina to Paraguay and Uruguay: “You two are so fucking guay.” Cheers Scott!!
That’s a great one; I can’t believe I overlooked it.
Thanks Matt!!
Hahahaha! Your photo captions are the BEST! BEST, I SAY! I guess that’s why you run those contests, hey? That picture of Rosie? You should warn people first. And I especially like the letter from heroin – I’ve always imagined heroin would talk like an annoying yappy dog.
I mostly run the contests when I’m feeling lazy. Which is all the time but I only opt out with the contests every other week. I think other people are way better than me!
It’s funny you say that about the yappy dog. When I wrote that I was picturing Stewie from Family Guy bothering the shit out of Brian (the dog) in the same manner.
Thanks Megan!!
I LOVE THE ALL CAPS. ALL CAPS GET A BAD RAP. I FEEL BAD FOR THEM. JUST LIKE I FEEL BAD FOR LINDSAY LOHAN.
Caps Lock does seem to be the surprising fan favorite. Who knew? I’m going to have to do something big with am exclamation point now, based on this.
I feel bad for Lindsey too; she’s just like me a few years ago. Well, if I were a hot chick.
Thanks Jay!!
LAUGHING HARD SMIRKING AND SMILING ALL AT THE SAME TIME. AH CAPS FEEL OH SO GOOD.
Sometimes you just have to let your caps lock freak flag fly!
Thanks Starlaschat!!
I liked them all, Scott, but I have particular affection for the smack to Doherty and Winehouse to crack letters. They’re perfect, much in the way these two are not.
I can totally see Doherty (who in some ways is my near-comatose and male muse, which is weird) following that voice around the corner and into another near-OD. As for Winehouse, I think some crack would be about the only thing I would want to put inside her.
And yeah, AW, you can keep it. I really don’t know where that mouth, pipe and lighter has been.
I thought you would appreciate that hypodermic stab at Doherty. I should have done something with CFC but he is, by all intents and purposes, yours and yours alone. Anyway when I need a zippy one liner to pull you in, I know I can always use Pete. Kind of like the brown horsey does. Or the waify model.
To tell you the truth I would definitely trust the pipe and the lighter, maybe even the Choreboy and the crack, more than I’d trust the Winehouse. She’s more like a house wine that probably involved some old, homeless alcoholic pissing in a bottle.
Thanks CLT!!
LMAO. More, please. Or should I say, MORE PLEASE!! Loved them all but some were genius…
I’ll be happy to provide you with more. It can be very cathartic and physiatrists from all over the world are writing and asking if I’d be willing to ‘talk’ to them for a few weeks!
Thanks Amy!!
all of this was comedy gold
BUT THE CAPS LOCK STUFF WAS PRICELESS!!
PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m getting wet just imagining you dealing with air quotes
Well I guess I’d better get to work on the rest of Punctuation whether digitized or merely air!
Thanks Dianne!!
Haha. Oh Morgan. Silly Goose.
I’d say Morgan is more the golden goose!
Thanks Michael!!
I feel that at my retired age, I’m finally starting to learn in depth how the world really, really works. I’m so fuckin’ excited, I almost left an oyster in my drawers (cleaning coffee off the keyboard).
Hilarious, bro.
If you’re starting to understand it then please, please fill me in because I could use some understanding. I finally found and know myself, but the world is still too surreal to me.
Thanks Jammer!!
I’m making up “like totally understanding how the world really, really, works on five dollars a day” packages. Sorry: no CODs.
Sounds like an amazing money maker. I want in!
Scott To Free Stuff Giver – Here’s a post that’ll make you laugh so hard you’ll accidentally spit V-8 juice all over the computer screen! Twice! And it’s FREE!!!!
ps. Love the pic of Morgan ‘FREE’man!
I’d say that you can have him as your God since he is the GOD of FREE. But I think that he’s big AND free enough for both of us!
Thanks FSG!!
Scott, those are all VERY funny! Of course, you readers comments are just as much fun as your posts.
The comments make the blog. I love my commenters!
Thanks Reb!!
Yeah. Half the joy I get from reading your blog is reading your conversations in the comments.
I’m glad I can help you steal some joy! And I’m glad that you are a part of all this ‘magic’ as well. –I’m mostly kidding about magic… it’s more like wizardry.
Thanks Natalie!!
Its a good idea Scott and funny as well. I am still freaked out by the Rosie photo, has she been waterboarded or what??
And thanks for reminding me I am Soprano-less, but wait, Don Draper returns in a month…yeah!!
That my friend is a pic of Rosie after she has been waterboarded (by that bitch, Time) 1,785 times in a row without lubricant. Unless you count water as a lubricant…because there was plenty of that.
Thank YOU for reminded me of the return of that series that got me saying phrases like, “a thing like that!”
Thanks FJ!!
Scott,I left a comment earlier, but for some reason it’s disappeared. I’m wondering if maybe it had something to do with the fact that I accidentally used the “F” word?
(See my sign for clarification…)
No, no FSG my site is actually really f-word friendly whether the F-word is fucking free or just fuck. Wow, I had been going somewhere with that word play but completely lost it. Anyway, I freely accept full fucking responsibility.
Thanks FSG!!
lmao the more i read it the funnier it gets…omg please do more of the rosie on mohammed i could see an entire series on that pic hahahah great work
I appreciate your appreciation Susi but I’m heartbroken to report that Rosie actually passed away the last time she was waterboarded by Time. From what I understand Trump and Stern are both being held for questioning as well.
Thanks Susi!!
u know i appreciate you buddy!
And I appreciate it Susi!
Get a fuckin’ room!
ur just jealous jammer!
I had a nightmare last night that I grew chest hair. Grrrr
It’s better than a dream of Rosie…
Thanks Lisa!!
Don Mills to Scott Oglesby – hilarious post lad. Still puzzling over exactly what the Jared/Richard Simmons exchange means but something tells me not to poke at that one too closely.
Your instincts are just as sharp as ever Don. That is a subject matter you’d be better not poking, at least not at close range. I hope you are enjoying the 4th. With all you’ve done for America, you deserve it!
Thanks Don!!