Zodi’s Blog

More Rejected Penthouse Letters

Dear Penthouse,

I never believed these stories were real until now. I used to think that if they were real then they must only happen to hunky, beefy, well hung men with fantastic genes and an affinity for playing things fast and loose. Those attributes are almost the polar opposite of what I bring to the table. I’m just an average Joe. As a matter of fact my name is Joseph and some of my bowling buddies have taken to calling me Joe. Is that ironic or what?

See I’m 5’6 and ½ 180 pounds (I’m starting the Atkins next month) so I’m not exactly pornstar material. I have curly reddish hair and I don’t tan well. I try to stay out of the sun anyway, what with my hyperhidrosis and all. I do have a secure job at least; I do the accounting for my parent’s pest removal and taxidermy company.

Last month while I was in Reno for my annual bowling league championships it finally happened for me, it really did! I was in the back of one of the seedier casinos, playing the nickel slots and putting away the Bailey’s like a heavyweight when she sidled over to me on legs that could carry her clear across town, assuming she had plenty of water and sunscreen with her. As she sat down a few seats over I couldn’t help but stare, she was unlike anything that I’ve ever seen before.

She was stocky and somehow bull-like, with an olive complexion and bright platinum hair. Her nearly flawless skin was only marred by a series of sensational bruises running up and down her arms and legs, as well as what I could see of her ample bosom. Her round and cheeky face featured stunning gray eyes; although the skin around one was blackened and half closed and half of her upper lip appeared swollen. Other than those minor and temporary imperfections, she was an image of pure allurement.

After she noticed me staring at her she winked at me with her good eye and spoke in a surprisingly feminine voice, “Hey ginger. I’d ask you to buy me a drink but they come for free, even in this hellhole.” It was as if she had hypnotized me with her non symmetrical lips right then and there. I knew at that point that I had to have her and would never rest, never sleep, never eat, until I did. Luckily it wasn’t really that difficult.

As we sat there talking, her drinking Jim Beam and Diet Coke while I continued to down my Bailey’s, I was delighted to learn that she was what they call an enforcer for the Reno Roller Girls roller derby team. It’s her job to go out there and kick the crap out of the bad broads on The Bad Broads. I guess that they are the only other derby team in Reno.

.

 

.

Before I knew it she had asked me if I wanted to go look at her trophies. On the off chance that trophies was a euphemism for breasts, I agreed. Then, in what felt like a whirlwind of electric pheromones, I found myself in the back of her camper van being ridden like a rental car with a teenage driver. She was hard, rough, scary and a little mean but it was the best sex that I’ve ever had in my entire life. Even though the copulation only lasted for mere minutes it left me hopelessly spent.

She gave me her pager number but I never did use it. I knew that nothing could ever live up to that first, magical encounter.

Joseph Lester Weinwright.

.

Dear Penthouse,

I find your letters to be so long and boring. I have created a new style that your readers will find more to their liking, I’m sure.

..answered the door.. rubbing glistening breasts…pulling.. meat stick… thrusting steel… proding… hot pink.. wet… pungent(!)   gasping, moaning, screaming, exploding… look of regret…next time…had a shower.

Pete  Murphy.

.

I had to include at least one Penthouse type of girl or people would complain.

 .

Dear Penthouse Bro’s,

I met her where I meet all of my conquests, at a fraternity party. She was young, naive and curvy, just they way I like them. I sat next to her on the ‘wallflower couch’ and got her to play a drinking game that I had created for just these occasions. The rules were that she had to drink every time I pointed out a college student with an MMA t-shirt. I had to drink every time she could hear any two people having a conversation about ‘the arts’ that didn’t include either Dave Mathews or Dane Cook. I always win this game!

After my fleshy blow up doll was truly wasted, I got her yet another drink, slipped in a few roofies to induce the mood, and settled in for a killer night, bro!

Once I knew that the last of her resistance had melted like M&M’s in her pouty teenage mouth, I half walked/half carried her to my place across campus. I had her passed out ass inside my apartment, her shirt over her head, and I was just ripping at her bra when I lost a good bit of my motor control. I was frightened and immediately tried to stand up but I found myself unable to work my appendages at this point. WTF Bro?

To my shock and horror the little bitch suddenly sat up, put her shirt back on, and began laughing in a cruel way while opening the door to a gaggle of big boned coeds. As the realization that I’d been duped and drugged struck me, they were carrying me out the door. I soon lost consciousness.

I finally came to three days later while lying on a plastic covered mattress in the back room of a biker bar. I had a pierced nipple, a bleeding rectum and no memory of what had transpired. I only knew that I had finally come home.

While others may find this tale disturbing and sick, I only see redemption. For myself, for mankind.

Brad Worthington.

.

New and improved me!

September 6, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , ,

48 Comments »

  1. I’m first, hurray!!!!

    Comment by Lisa | September 6, 2010 | Reply

  2. Wanted to make sure I stayed first. But anyway…

    Dear Mr. Worthaton,
    I make happy for you very much! I remembers like is day before now my first coming with man us together. It is the day makes for clearly it yes I is bothsexual. I not knowing before that day, yes?
    I sits by the pool of my female monied elderly wife. My eyes make for to close and I sleeps. For the sudden, I am woked. And there he is. The man most budeful I ever make for to see. He new pool man I never am before seeing. He only wearing pair of shorts, so I sees much everting. He makes for to be brown man like me and he have no hair on much body. Like me also! Also like the no hairs cat of my female monied elderly wife. Wife buy cat after she buy me, heh, and call him Roddie after of me for the jokes. But I make for easy distracting…
    He now looks up from the netting of bugs out of water and he smile at me, the Rodrigo! Bleach perfect tooths! He makes for to me and himself he introduces. He calls himself Rico from the Puerto Rico. I wants for to tell him I’m The Rodrigo but no words can I for to make. In places of the words, my ‘little man of the servicing’ standing up! He see. He laugh. He say he makes much horny.
    Mr. Worthaton, I gives you advice man to mans, OK? No make for to sexing by pool of female monied elderly wife because the Hat is Red Society sometime let out the earlier then other times. She scream and grab my Shirley Temple off table and dump it overs the us. When she makes for to angry, the female monied elderly wife makes for to be much strong and she pull Rico off the back of The Rodrigo and makes for to chase him with her spray of the pepper. She says, “Is last time you makes the buggery on my time!” I no see him another time but I have his shorts still.

    I make for to congraduate your bothsexuality with much sincerity, Mr. Worthaton. I now much careful but I loves to meet you, yes? I fixes you up very nice for both the mans and womans. No means for the offending, but you haves to much hairs for the decency. That look goes out with The Village Peoples.
    Yours,
    The Rodrigo xoxo

    Comment by Lisa | September 6, 2010 | Reply

    • Haha, you really love you some Rodrigo, don’t you? I hope that you are using this for a post of your own or something?

      You know, when you first character-jacked Rodrigo I was lonely and worried for his safety and skin maintenance. But I’m quite pleased to see that you are keeping him tanned, toned, well fed and exfoliated. I’m glad that he has found a ‘forever home.’

      I’d ask if I could possible see him again but that would just be weird. Like the time that I gave the gibbon to the San Diego Zoo and then when I went to see him a year later he didn’t recognize me so he just masturbated and threw feces at the enclosure walls.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 7, 2010 | Reply

  3. I always go for the asymmetrical lips too Joseph, you manly Bailey drinker you!

    Comment by nursemyra | September 6, 2010 | Reply

    • They do tend to have that special something don’t they? I’d ask you to give Joe your number but you’re way too sexy for him.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 7, 2010 | Reply

  4. lol. brilliant letters.
    The second one was perfect.
    I do like reading piss takes

    Comment by Artswebshow | September 6, 2010 | Reply

    • Thank you. If you like piss takes then you’ll love me. That didn’t come out right…

      Thanks Art!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 7, 2010 | Reply

  5. You have outdone yourself this time! Redemption for mankind–brilliant.

    Lisa–well done with the Rodrigo letter!

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | September 6, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow thanks, Thomas!

      Comment by Lisa | September 7, 2010 | Reply

    • I have outdone myself and redemption (and Rodrigo) has outdone us all.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 7, 2010 | Reply

      • You can do Rodrigo better than me, he just sometimes springs on me, you know? I do have a story in my brains that may see light of day in 2013 w/ how slow I am. I guess I’ll post his letter to mr. w on my blog and give you another advertisement to my 1000s of readers. you should do Rodrigo again somehow, someway. For you are an expert at doing Rodrigo…heh,unlike Rodrigo who does everyone.
        I yield to your wisdom, Yoda.
        Uh oh, maybe Rodrigo has take my soul and I need the exorcist?
        PS, hope you do these often. But then I’m fond of all your segments too…Fav is awkwardity though.

        Comment by Lisa | September 7, 2010 | Reply

        • I’m thinking a Rodrigo TV series. Maybe that vida loca dude playing lead?

          Comment by jammer5 | September 7, 2010 | Reply

        • No, Lisa he’s pretty much all yours now. Like I said, I was just there for him to get him back on his feet. I think he’s found his forever home now. Although I may decide to borrow him or rent him out at some point in the future. We’ll have to wait and see.

          Don’t feel bad, I’ve been working off and on, on a book for 3 years and it’s not even close.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 7, 2010 | Reply

  6. These were hilarious, Scott! I actually preferred reading yours over the ‘real thing’.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | September 7, 2010 | Reply

    • I hope so Elizabeth. I can’t read the ‘real thing’ myself. I prefer the pretty pictures.

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 7, 2010 | Reply

  7. So I’m guessing Brad Worthington has canceled his subscription to Penthouse too?

    Comment by frigginloon | September 7, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s a damn good guess Loon. I think he’s more into Muscle and Fitness now.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 7, 2010 | Reply

  8. I wonder if Joe Weinwright, Pete Murphy or Brad Worthington every google themselves. Or if they maybe did today and found this blog. That would be almost as funny as this post! haha ;-)

    Comment by Jay | September 7, 2010 | Reply

    • My God Jay, I hadn’t even considered that. Damn, hopefully when I move back to Florida next year I don’t find myself with one of them as neighbors. It would make my awkward life even more so.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 7, 2010 | Reply

  9. For some damn reason, the quick little letter from Pete Murphy had me laughing like hell. I did love the nice little twist at the end of Worthington’s, but all in all they are classic and please keep ‘em coming. I just got hit with a late night wake-up from a kid who won’t sleep, and needed a quick laugh and double shot of Advil to put my lights out. Woofers would be ideal abour now, but mail duty calls tomorrow. Thanks, Scott!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | September 7, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks Dan that was my favorite too. I like doing these because I can just write without so much plot stress. You know how my consciousness likes to stream and all that.

      You know what I miss the most? Well other than Percs and Vics? Freaking Nyquil. They don’t have an equivalent to that over here either. That stuff makes me sleep like a baby on Xanex and vodka.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 7, 2010 | Reply

  10. Brad is rad and finally liberated. This wasn’t a comedic post, it was inspirational. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | September 7, 2010 | Reply

    • If I can inspire, awaken or enlighten just one person, then my work here is done. Well, maybe I’ll try for just one more.

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 7, 2010 | Reply

  11. Joseph Lester Weinwright . . . dude, all that swelling? Botox.

    Another brilliant respite from the ordinary sexually tense and semi-rewarding letters I read on an hourly basis.

    Comment by jammer5 | September 7, 2010 | Reply

    • I knew that you got fan mail; I just never knew how much fan mail you got. If you have to sort through sexual charged fan mail all hours of the day you are going to have to tone down your sex appeal!

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 8, 2010 | Reply

  12. Cheers to that fleshy sorority bimbo for getting her revenge. You know Scott, when I was in college, I tried to pledge a sorority, but I didn’t make it due to “alcohol sensitivity training,” where we actually learned how to avoid being roofied, pretend we were asleep during a mercy-lay, etc., so I’m not surprised this sorority chick had these powers. Obviously, I didn’t have what it took.

    And the first guy: “curly reddish-hair taxidermist guy with hyperhidrosis” . . . this guy LOVES me at all bars. (Except I’m not battered) Perhaps in your next love guru section, I’d like to know how to avoid attracting this man.

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | September 7, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m not surprised that you didn’t make it. Although you definitely have the looks, the charm and the perk you seem to be lacking that all important combination of self worship and the inability to function without a posse of cloned Aeropostale shoot extras. Although if they can stop just one dater raper then it is all worth it.

      Now see this was a good question! This was just the kind of question I was looking for. I’ll find you all the answers you need for the next LG post.

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 8, 2010 | Reply

  13. “On the off chance that trophies was a euphemism for breasts, I agreed.”

    -Joseph Lester Weinwright, man of my dreams.

    Please PLEASE can we do a “Penthouse/Reader’s Digest Rejection Letters/Humor Submissions” collaboration? But can we call it something other than “The Penthouse/Reader’s Digest Rejection Letters/Humor Submissions Book”?

    Only because “Penthouse/Reader’s Digest Rejection Letters/Humor Submissions” takes a long time to type. And I’m lazy.

    Comment by bschooled | September 7, 2010 | Reply

    • Is he really because I can hook a sista up.

      There is nothing that I would like more than to do a Penthouse/Reader’s Digest Rejection Letters/Humor Submissions collaboration. But how would we do it? Perhaps aspiring Reader’s Digest Joke Writers attempt to get published at Penthouse while the usual crowd of masturbatory misers that inundate Penthouse with lies and semen stained paper write to the RD?

      That would be fucking brilliant, on some real shitzz!

      Thanks Bschooled!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 8, 2010 | Reply

  14. Thank you Pete Murphy for giving me my afternoon back.

    Comment by Bearman | September 7, 2010 | Reply

    • I know, right? I can see wanting to prolong actaul sex, but don’t you just want to wrap things up (literally) otherwise?

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 8, 2010 | Reply

  15. Penthouse actually REJECTS some things ???

    Jeez, how BAD can you get?, lol !!!

    Comment by Heff | September 8, 2010 | Reply

    • Hahahaha!

      Comment by Megan @Momlarky | September 9, 2010 | Reply

    • I see your point. Surprisingly though they have higher literary standards than in their other quality controls.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 9, 2010 | Reply

  16. What is it with the scrawny, pasty, bespectacled guys lusting over us amazon, farm-girl types? They were cute (in a stray, mangy dog kind of way) but I couldn’t help but look at them and think, “there isn’t a universe out there where the physics of our coupling would be in your favor, dude.”
    Love the Pete Murphy letter!

    Comment by Amy | September 8, 2010 | Reply

    • I think that it has something to do with evolution and wanting to ensure the survival of their offspring. If they are tiny, weak men with allergies and they breed with tiny, weak women with irritable bowel syndrome, their children would never make it out of the third-grade.

      Do you see my point? Evolution!

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 9, 2010 | Reply

  17. I guess I need to watch the news more because I didn’t recognize any of these peoples’ names! **blushes**

    On the subject of nudie magazines however, when I worked at Books-A-Million? I always knew the day that the new issues came out. Because like, every gay guy in town would come through with an armful of Playgirls. I’m sure that I blushed furiously those days as well. Damn my open-book face and alabaster skin!

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | September 9, 2010 | Reply

    • Haha, if you run across these people in the news then please let me know because it’ll mean that I’m turning into Stephen King/George Stark and my characters literally came to life. Then, how long would it be before they come hunting for me? *shuddering*

      A book shop job would be one of the only jobs I think I would enjoy. As long as I didn’t have to deal with the people buying the James Pattersons or Limbaugh’s latest.

      Alabaster skin? You sound lovely, like one of Anne Rice’s beloved sexy beasts!

      Thanks Megan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 9, 2010 | Reply

  18. So relieved at the turn (or flop, rather) that Brad Worthinton’s tale took, because I was worried about how even a gifted comic entertainer such as yourself was going to find a punch line in date rape, but thankfully it turned out to be a hero’s tale, and now I cant stop punching the air and singing Tina Turner songs all in the name of Brad’s nameless date. Thank God for that.

    And PS – cant wait to see the Scott and Bschooled Rejection Duet (I’m just calling it that for short, cuz I’m lazy too)

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | September 9, 2010 | Reply

    • No Ruby, not even someone with as little sense of propriety as me would try to make rape funny. (I’m not actually Dane Cook just yet. That comes later in my fading career, bro). Unless it happens to a deserving guy because he totally had it coming. Like when Zed got his whole package blown off by Butch after he made Marsellus Wallace cry, like that. Zed’s dead, Brad is reborn and life makes sense again.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 9, 2010 | Reply

  19. Ok, is it just me or do those steamy penthouse letters read like a man with some experience in those areas????? Just saying…either that or your imagination is truly a thing of intense genius and beauty.

    And for the record for your buddy in the first letter; hyperhydrosis can be cured by monthly Botox injections or surgery to remove the sweat glands under the arm pits.

    Comment by candy | September 9, 2010 | Reply

    • No, not me. Poor Joseph has probably had more experience than me in the sack. At least he has had a one night stand. I can’t even boast one of those. Luckily I just have a good imagination. It comes from lots and lots of time alone.

      I wouldn’t want that though. I don’t feel that I sweat nearly enough. I love to sweat (when I exercise) I feel like I’m getting all of those narcotics out of my system so I can start fresh the next day.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 9, 2010 | Reply

  20. Not that I would know…

    Comment by candy | September 9, 2010 | Reply

  21. Haha the first dude is my favorite by far- There is something pure and innocent (and scary-weird and sick) about him! He’s the type of guy who could see the beauty behind flaws! You go Joe :)

    Comment by Lua | September 9, 2010 | Reply

    • Joe is a keeper alright. You were writing about characters. I felt like I knew him the best out of the three. Maybe because I took the longest to set him up with the roller derby queen?

      Thanks Lua!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 9, 2010 | Reply


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