Stereotypical Things you can Safely Assume about People Based on Their Appearance.

Man with camouflage hat and beergut.

He will be wearing jeans.

He bowls regularly and knows his average.

He drives a pick-up truck. The possibility that it is also camouflaged is 70%. It does have a gun rack and a cartoon drawing of Calvin pissing on his truck’s main competitor’s logo. He’s feels passionate about his truck’s superiority in the American market.

He owns a confederate flag, and proudly has it displayed somewhere. Even if it’s only his living room.

He finds Jeff Foxworthy insightful and hilarious and often compares himself to Hank Hill.

He has pissed in a sink more often than you’d think reasonable.

Most of his hobbies involve killing animals or fish.

He voted straight republican on account of the blacks and queers.

He has been in the emergency room for both firework and beer can related injuries.

He calls his wife his Ol’ Lady.

His Ol’ Lady gets violent on the hard stuff.

He doesn’t quite know how he feels about the International Monetary Fund but he doesn’t think he likes it.

He is a premillennial dispensationalist but has never heard the phrase and wouldn’t know what it meant if he did.

He suffers a deep seated sense of inadequacy around people who are outside of his social standing/circle and tries to cover it with racism and lawyer jokes. Mostly learned from the Redneck Comedy Tour featuring Jeff Foxworthy.

 

 

Girl in Prius with Yoga bumper stickers

 

She presents a serene, slightly ambivalent face to the world but if you happen to make her angry, especially during her Colon Cleanse *With Acai Berry® week, she’ll turn all poltergeist and destroy you and everything you hold dear.

She fancies herself more enlightened than the masses and can’t help but feel a sense of superiority, even though she knows that she’s not supposed to. She hates camo hat guy and secretly daydreams about breaking his jaw with a new move she learned in Yoga Boot Camp® class.

She listens to a lot of PBS and Radio Active even though it sometimes goes over her head and other times bores her to death.

She talks about ‘cashing out’ one day, buying a yurt and living like the ancients in the wilderness. But she never will since nature itself doesn’t have nearly the selection as Natures Finest®.

She’s passionate about sustainability.

She either has a Reiki session or a Reiki class scheduled for this week.

She knows that The Secret® is mass produced, intellectually vapid drivel but she still practices the Laws of Attraction® because the basic premise is right on.

Her tramp stamp is the infinity symbol.

She named her dog Deepak and tells people that it’s part wolf. She’s lying.

 

 

Guy in an Ed Hardy t-shirt

 

He’s a douchebag.

He’s also a tool.

Guy in ridiculous pajama pants because real person pants no longer fit him. 

 

He owns two MMA style shirts and 3 Ed Hardy shirts but only wears them on special occasions.

He spends most of his mental energy planning and fine tuning his nutritional regime. He’ll be more than happy to tell you all about it.

He spends most of his money on steroids and supplements.

He can’t walk by a shiny surface without making his pecs jiggle.

When a good looking couple walks by he checks out the guy. Only to re-assure himself that he’s bigger and/or more cut.

He’s definitely, totally, not gay at all.

He’ll fucking kick your ass if you even suggest it.

He’d probably let you suck his dick though.

Because that’s not really gay.