This is the legend of King Ibn Almundim, a rich, white girl and why there is ‘snow’ in Western Europe, as retold by me…
Young Ibn Almundim was a fierce and ridiculously talented Moorish conqueror. His father had made him start practicing conquering pretty much from birth. He even made the rounds of the Moroccan late night entertainment shows, demonstrating his skills at the age of two. Everyone immediately loved the cute little Moor.
He eventually became so good at conquering he had more frankincense and myrrh than he knew what to do with, but he knew he needed a wife. Public image was paramount to sponsorship even back then. Since he could choose from the finest women in the world, he did what anybody would do and picked a smoking hot blond with an amazing rack and a wealthy family.
Luckily, princess Gilda was just as enamored with the charming and handsome king, so they wed. After the marriage was consummated Gilda boldly told her friends, “Once you go Moor, you never go poor!” –The phrase later evolved.
The happy young couple then moved to his kingdom on the Iberian coast. They truly had the world by the short and curly’s…..except in that age, they were much longer and prone to tangles.
After they had their first child, Gilda’s mood began to darken; she began complaining about the lack of Scandinavian super stores, and became quite frigid. The king, who was always known as a superb swordsman, began looking elsewhere for sparing partners. After several very public indiscretions, the situation came to a head one night when Gilda plunged a spear into the King’s favorite carriage.
As Ibn Almundim started to lose sponsors (Merry Myrrh Maker® was the first to jump ship) as well as the war of public opinion, he knew he had to make it up to Gilda. He begged her to name just one thing that would make her happy and promised to move heaven and earth to bring his A game and get it done.
She thought long and hard, shook her head to loose the thought, and then tried to think of something that even the great king wouldn’t be able to accomplish. “Ok, I want da snow…here,” she finally answered him. Then added, “and you’ll not be touching my fine white ass til den.”
The king held a press conference, had a concubine, smoked some hash and hatched an idea. It was a dope induced idea for sure, but just crazy enough to work. He secretly sent 500 of his men up north to trade hash for almond trees and ‘a few of those cool ass knives.’
The men returned months later and covered the castle grounds and surrounding land with the trees. As the months passed, Gilda became relieved that the king was unable to fulfill his promise because she had grown to find sex quite tiresome, and she was damned if she wanted to destroy her kick-ass body with another baby.
The following April the king bounded into her quarters with a spring in his step and twinkle in his eye. “Get out you filthy beast of a man,” exclaimed Gilda. “But you only have to open your windows my love. For I have brought you snow from your very homeland” said the king.
Gilda tentatively opened her windows to find the entire landscape filled with a luxuriant white and shades of delicate, pink petals dancing in the soft breeze. Gilda stammered at first, then recovered and said, “Dis is gorgeous, but I jus wanted an ounce of blow you fucking moron.”
The king and Gilda stayed in the long, loveless marriage of convenience filled with rehab stints and counseling sessions. But Western Europe is eternally grateful for their tumultuous relationship….it makes for a beautiful spring!
I woke up this morning to the sounds of the birds singing their sweet spring song! The sky is pure blue. The street cats are vocalizing their desperate need for sexual healing. The dogs are already openly fornicating all over the streets. I mean all over. The Peugeots and mopeds are being spit shined. The mullets are being coifed and waxed. The gypsies have had their opening day of knife fight season, and with a win for the home team. And the British Tourists will be complaining about the ‘oppressive heat’ any day now. That’s right baby, spring is finally in the air! This was by far the worst winter I’ve experienced since leaving the northeast. But I’ve made it out the other side without any pending criminal charges. Yay.
I’ll leave you with a few parting shots…..