Those prophetic words, sung out in rapturous melancholy over 3 decades ago by the man in black ma…. No, not Johnny Cash, I mean Jim Morrison. He wasn’t the man in black? But he always wore black. Sorry. Anyway, those prophetic words may be finally coming to fruition. On New Year’s Eve, birds began falling out of the sky, dead before they hit the ground and were presumably stepped on or driven over with irritation and mild disgust. By Saturday morning there were 5,000 dead birds littering the ground in the small, rural community of Beebe Arkansas. A town which was named after the wealthy Governor, I think. That’s also the governor’s name so it seems awfully coincidental, I mean, what do you expect from rednecks?
It doesn’t matter what you expect from rednecks, really. The 5,000 dead blackbir.… “No, there were definitely 4,858 dead Red Winged Blackbirds” said eyewitness Raymond Babbitt. “Definitely Red Winged Blackbirds, definitely 4,858 dead Red Winged Blackbirds. It’s definitely the beginning of the biblical apocalypse, uh oh.”
This bizarre incident was only the beginning however, as other poor southern states hoped to get in on the new bird apocalypse tourist industry and so reported mass ornithoid deaths of their own. Soon Kentucky, Louisiana and Texas had joined the Dead Wing Club causing residents in those states to go out and buy beer, cigarettes and Garth Brooks CD’s. By the next morning Europe had joined the fray with Sweden chiming in and reporting the deaths of at least 50 Jackoffs. Almost all of them listened to Yanni and shopped at IKEA. I tried to reach Lisbeth Salander for comment, since she’s the only Nordic chick I know but so far she just keeps calling me Bastard Kalle Fucking Oglesby and immediately slamming the phone down. That bitch has issues, in my opinion. But she’s super hot and nifty with the computer so I still love her hard.
Before long this global phenomena had spread, like herpes on a warm butter knife, to marine life and fresh new cases were reported in Kent England with 40 Devil Craps, Brazil with an estimated 100 tons of fish (although it’s hard to tell for certain since the scientists in charge of records kept getting laid by amazingly hot and well groomed beach goers and losing count), Chesapeake Bay Maryland with 100k fish, and thousands more in Florida. However authorities believe the fish in Florida probably went there specifically to die.
“These incidents have people worried.” Said Stephen Foster, media spokesman for The Organization for the Representation of Public Sentiment. “Other prevalent emotions include anxiousness, anger, disappointment and feelings of inadequacy. Though the last one is primarily due to the public’s tiny penis size.” Foster went on to clarify during his press conference on Friday.
Bill O’Reilly stirred the pot by blaming the birds themselves for instigating the trend. “It has to be said,” O’Reilly stated during his show Friday, “these blackbirds are 100% to blame for this. Poor Irish and German birds came over and made a better life for themselves. These blackbirds started this with their gangster rap talking about their bitches and ho’s and cappin somebody’s ass and this is what happens. The community turns on itself and you have this blackbird on blackbird violence, culminating in 5,000 dead birds in Arkansas in a single day.”
“Definitely 4, 858 dead Red-Winged Blackbirds.” Raymond Babbitt interjected from the guest panel.
“That’s right,” O’Reilly went on “this retarded guy knows his facts!”
“I’m definitely not retarded. Asshole.” Babbitt replied scathingly.
Dennis Miller then chimed in with, “I wonder if Huckabee used the Phonoi and Androktasiai to trick Cernunnos by using Limos and Hysminai in causing this massive genocide like a militant Idi Amin wiping out a Ugandan village because he didn’t like the local farmers’ cassava output, you know what I mean Bill?”
“Yep, yes, you got em Dennis.” Bill O’Reilly lied.
“Uh oh.” agreed Babbitt.
O’Reilly said in closing, “It’s getting so normal, respectable, Christian whites with western European ancestry can’t walk down the street without being struck about the head and shoulders with bloody bird carcasses. It’s a disgrace.”
The latest incident saw 8 thousand turtle doves fall from the sky in Italy, their beaks stained with blue. While this is a normal sign of hypoxia, Silvio Berlusconi offered this explanation, “They are stupid, stupid animal. Why are you for caring?”
Scientists worldwide have offered up some plausible (alien death rays, an angry God) and some ridiculous (fireworks, cold water, disease) explanations and have urged restraint and common sense but this reporter doesn’t buy any of it.
Big, big things are happening folks, and they are going to keep happening, even escalating, maybe, until the end of the fucking world. But don’t quote me on that.