Dear Mr.’s Henley, Frey, and Felder,
Gentlemen, while we here at the Hotel California very much appreciate the incredible advertising and promotional coverage that your rock and roll song by the same name has been responsible for, I’m afraid that you are giving our potential guests quite the wrong impression of our fine establishments. We here at the Hotel California were hoping that you will take a quick look at some of the inconsistencies between your lyrics and our actual policies. We would then implore you to make the appropriate changes so that together we can achieve a long needed synergy between our brands.
First of all the California 101 is hardly a dark dessert highway. It is a properly maintained and well lit expressway with clearly marked exit ramps. We have three of our member hotels which fall under the Hotel California umbrella directly off of this highway. And I can assure you that they are all conveniently located within two miles of their respective exits. If the lyric writer in your rock band would like specific directions for one of these (I’d recommend our flagship hotel, the San Luis Obispo as it’s slightly more business casual) in order to give specific directions as part of the redone song, just give us a call or check out our easy to use website, Hotelcalifornia.net.
Near the end of the first stanza you folks are bleating something out about ‘lighting candles to show you the way.’ While it’s true that in the early 90’s we were subject to rolling blackouts, as was most of Southern California at the time, we had backup generators up and running in all of our hotels by 1997. Also since our great state now has the toughest anti smoking legislation in the country we discourage the use of any open flame.
We absolutely love the chorus, especially if you were willing to do just a little tweaking. You guys do the tweaking don’t you? Haha, I was just kidding. I believe that was a drug reference. See, I can be fun too. You should really consider changing “such a lovely place…..” to “such an quality hotel at such bargain rates… such bargain rates.. such bargain rates.” It certainly does sound fantastic the new way, even catchier perhaps.
We do of course have a bell captain that is more than willing to help guests with many of their needs. However if there is a question about one of our quality wines then we suggest that they would instead visit our restaurant and speak with the sommelier. If the guest in question is already decided they can simply ring room service. I can assure you that in no situation would the captain bring you your wine. Over the years we have had plenty of connoisseurs that have enjoyed our substantial selection, this is wine country after all! I’m not sure if any of you have the refinement needed to know this, but 1969 was in fact a terrible year for California wine. You boys really do seem to have a hang up about the distant past. When is the last time you people put out something new anyway? Kidding, I kid. Really, I apologize, I was only kidding.
You may hear voices while you are walking down the corridor, there is nothing that we can do about that. But I would like to assure our potential guests that they will never be woken up in the middle of the night, “just to hear them say” anything. Our rooms are practically soundproof. We have had the occasional rambunctious weekend guests but if we receive even one complaint they are dealt with promptly by security. Why would a loud, intoxicated guest be welcoming ‘you’ to our hotel when ‘you’ were in you own room sleeping soundly? That doesn’t make any sense. Lay off the drugs guys. I’m serious this time. You are losing coherence as we progress here.
We here at the Hotel California have never held anyone prisoner. We have never even had one hostage situation in our proud history much less held anyone prisoner. Not of their own devise nor anybody else’s device. Checkout is at 11 am and we appreciate advance notification in the event that our guests anticipate a late departure. How is that holding anyone prisoner? We do hold your credit card but that is for obvious reasons. We can’t have any of you rock and roll types coming in and smashing up the place. –Kidding!
Finally, the last two stanzas of your tribute had our staff perplexed and befuddled for hours as we tried in vain to unravel your metaphorical references. “They stab it with their steely knives but they just can’t kill the beast.” Really? It was only after Vinny, one of our nighttime maintenance workers, came into the break room while we were working on it, that we were finally able to ascertain that you were talking about the cocaine. You wacky musician have a hang up about the drugs don’t you? We don’t mind you singing your other songs about the drugs; it makes you cool and edgy, but please refrain from using them in our song. Do your drugs in Life in the Fast Lane or Take it To the Limit. Remember; synergy.
We would greatly appreciate your prompt attention to this matter. We have full confidence that you will be able to make the appropriate changes to your song without disrupting the tempo in the least. If you are willing to make all of the concessions we discussed here then we are willing to negotiate a financial compensation package for your band. Something along the lines of 15% off any room, up to but not including our executive suites. Once you factor in the senior discount, I’ll bet you and your bandmates will dig it and rock out to the sweet sound of that music.
Marketing and Advertising Director