Did you promise yourself that 2010 was going to be your year to shine? Well, now is your chance to get off your ass and make it happen. This may be your only opportunity to make your pitiful life worthwhile, maybe even stupendous. Please use your primitive skill set to empty your polluted mind so that you can ask yourself these questions…
- Are you ready for a brand new career?
- How about a brand new life?
- Are Protestants just too fun loving for your taste?
- Are you into masochism? No? How about if it gets you the attention of beautiful people? Haha, I thought so!
- Have you ever dreamt of a life at sea?
- Do you feel like you need some quality ‘me’ time away from friends and family? They can suck the life right out of you, we know.
- Can you respect and follow a chain of command?
- Do you have a strong desire to get back at your parents for getting divorced when you were 11? Or for when your mom moved in with that fucking Dave guy and his asshole son? Yea, screw those jerks!
- Do you have at least $75k in liquid assets? If not, can you get it? What if you ask your mom and Dave? Or maybe you have a rich uncle?
- Don’t you think Lost is a great series? Couldn’t your life use a little mystery and science fiction?
- Do you feel cloudy? You know what we mean….like confused.
- How would you like to possibly have a chance at meeting Mr. Cruise? How about Mr. Travolta? Yea? Then you better get hold of that fucking cash! Seriously, ask Dave.
- Do people often tell you that you’re smart but ‘lack common sense?’ (That’s malarkey BTW.)
- Would you like being the ‘meat’ in a Kirstie Alley and Greta Van Susteren sandwich? (Just remember to keep Kirstie on the bottom.)
If you answered yes to any one of these questions, especially the one about the $75k because that one is like, crucial, then Scientology may be for you.
Celebrities are awesome and better than you. So you should strive to be more like them. And we have way more celebrities than that stupid Kabbalah that makes you wear a dumb red string. What’s that all about? Did they leave their tampon in too long? All the cool celebrities are with us. If you join us then maybe people will like you more? Don’t you think it’s worth a shot?
Another great reason to join is so you can be part of our upcoming mass tort litigation that we are about to file against all this bullshit bad press we keep getting. We have every reason to believe that we’ll win tons and tons of really fabulous money.
We know that there is a voice in your head talking to you RIGHT NOW. It’s telling you things like, “Be careful,” “Don’t rush into anything,” “I can never hope to be as super awesome as Tom Cruise is,” and “Dave will definitely stop mom from giving me any money.” That voice is not you! It’s the thetans that are polluting your thinking. Think about it, ONLY CRAZY PEOPLE HAVE VOICES IN THEIR HEADS. Right?
So if you want to stop being a crazy, dumb loser who sucks at life, and are ready to become all that you ever dreamed you could be if only that fucking Dave would just fucking die then please attend our free health screening all weekend at the Clearwater Holliday Inn. See you there!