Bust nets heroin stuffed toys.
Bronx, NY- Police arrested over a dozen people on Friday after seizing 33 pounds (worth over 30 million dollars) of heroin hidden in stuffed toys. The heroin was well hidden within a shipment of ‘Build-a-bear’ children’s toys.
Unfortunately it is believed that some of the ‘brown’ bears may have gotten through to the 8-14 year olds that the toy was intended for. Due diligence is required with all of your young children’s toys, but never more so than now. An educational program is now circulating, showing the warning signs that your child may have been exposed.
An excerpt from the public safety announcement…
Child, “Mom, can I please have another bear?”
Mom, “NO, you’ve already had one every day this week and two on Friday.”
Child, “Please just one more, my legs and my back hurt. I feel kind of queasy and my grippers are gripping.”
Mom, “What does that have to do with…..”
Child, “I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and I can’t keep listening to you yammer on. Please just go get my mother fucking ‘build-a-bear! Don’t come back with that shit brown tar Mexican either, I want some Asian or some of that sweet Afghan………um bear. Oh, and my friend Timmy’s mom called. She said she needs you to pick up some diabetic supplies, um needles I guess, a multi-pack of 20 gauge, 3 ml needles. Go ahead then, don’t make me pimp slap you woman, hurry the fuck up!”- If you have this conversation with your 10 year old son then you need to immediately take him to a detox/rehab.
-Paid for by the Consumer ‘for Obvious Observations’ Safety Board.
It was also interesting to learn some of the names used on the ‘stamp bags’ of heroin. “Barack Obama” was the most frequently used name presumably for the ‘yes we can nod out’ slogan, followed by “Swine Flu.” Why a junkie would want to be reminded of a flu or flu like symptoms is beyond me.
I know that if I were a drug dealer I’d have the coolest named stamp bags on the street, yo’. Cool ass names like- ‘Smack Crackle and Pop,’ ‘Ziggy Stardust,’ ‘Mr. Brownstone,’ ‘Sleepy Time Poppy,’ ‘The Sandman,’ ‘Nights of Arabia,’ and ‘Just Fucking O.D. Already.’ –just to name a few.
North Korea fires missiles on July 4th
Pyongyang, North Korea- Kim Jung IL once again confirmed that he has the tiniest penis among evil, midget dictators by test firing 7 short range ballistic missiles into the Sea of Japan on the American Independence Day.
A fisherman who was in the area at the time of the blasts explained that he thought a couple of kids had gotten hold of some assorted fireworks from nearby China. After the statement the fisherman was apparently kidnapped and forced into a “The Gimp” role by Jung IL. An anonymous official expressed disappointment at the ‘limp and soggy’ display of power, but did explain that the problem with the missiles was that they were made in Korea.
Kim Jung IL was purportedly angry that the Americans are such a wealthy county that they give away his stylish and expensive sunglasses to anyone who has a yearly glaucoma test at the optometrist.
After aides verified that it was not THAT Asian country lending the US billions of dollars, Obama harshly condemned the aggressive action, and told Jung IL to just stuff a sock in his briefs. “It’ll save a lot of money and a lot of problems” Obama went on to say.
Palin Resigns as Governor
In a shocking move to pundits, Sarah Palin announced over the weekend that she is resigning as the top boss in Alaska. She cited ethics probes and the intrusion of her family’s privacy as partial reasons.
Pure speculation points to the fact that she had a dream involving God speaking to her through the voice of Shawn Hannity. “Together we can keep science out of American schools, use books as they should be used (as kindling for burning baby seals), and keep this country safe from the use of condoms.” Hannity/God told her in the dream.
She explained that the only way she will have a chance in the 2012 election is by staying out of politics and away from ‘magic voice make louders’ as she refers to microphones. Palin also claimed that she wanted to appear as herself in more SNL scenes and Eminem videos. “Why should a regular hussy (Lisa Ann-’nailin paylin’) and a girl who has nothing but her mind (Fey) both make money off of my good name? I should be making that money. I like to do cool stuff too” she said.
She also kept the possibility of improving her diplomacy resume open by offering to meet with world leaders during the hiatus. She elaborated, “I’ll meet with them, as long as they don’t do weird stuff and speak funny. Since Jesus loves America best, shouldn’t everybody just speak American??”
The next day Niemen Marcus employees, Alaskan wolves, and librarians everywhere expressed their reborn faith in God, and heartfelt appreciation at the decision.