I know that it is said that the insane never doubt their sanity. I sometimes doubt that statement even more than I doubt my sanity. Surely the maniac on the street corner screaming about the apocalypse occasionally wonders if he’s being a bit rash and confrontaional. The Son of Sam had to have wondered what his dog had against brunettes. I’m pretty sure that at least once, while Jeffrey Dahmer was getting ice cubes out, he thought to himself, “There is a forearm and a penis in my freezer. Shit! This might not be normal.” At least once Sarah Palin has thought, “Well gosh darn it, maybe spotting Russia with binoculars isn’t really the best foreign policy experience after all.” You can’t tell me they didn’t have moments of clarity, at least occasionally!
The occurrence that causes me to seriously question my mental health happens every single night of my life though. During the twilight phase of my sleep, things get …..interesting inside my brain. Sometimes I have visions that can’t possible be true. Like when I was 7 and my Curious George stuffed animal came alive (I wonder what G.O.F. will say about that?) and beat me at a game of clothes hamper basketball. At other times I have had straight up ESP. I once woke up after seeing a red corvette driving off of Mount Washington only to wake up and hear about it on KDKA. That was some scary shit, and I’m glad it’s never happened again with tragedy. I’ve tried so hard to use it again, but the ESP part seems to be over. I’ve tried for at least 18 years to see those Powerball numbers. Not yet, but I’m not giving up. Does that make me crazy?
All of my questions about my sanity arise from sleep issues. If I hold control of my thoughts I can usually control my dreams. If I allow my consciousness to flutter about like a syphillactic sparrow however, I often find myself in all kinds of dream trouble. I was once almost raped by a 300 lb Italian woman; thank god EVERY ounce of my body was uncooperative or I would still be in therapy. She did try to make me cooperate; oh my God did she try. I’ve taken a guided tour of the Malaysian towers led by a squirrel version of the rabbit from Donnie Darko. He pushed me off but I was able to fly; so that was ok. I often fly in my dreams. Other people wake up by jerking their legs when they are falling. I wake up when I’m about to fly into some god damned over-windexed glass. I’m this close to asking the lovely and talented Candice to score me some ass Ambien. Maybe that will calm my overactive subconscious.
Another weird thing happens if I don’t meditate my mind before going into twilight sleep; I become an unseen spectator to one of 3 families. One is Puerto Rican, one is black, and one is white, all living in America. I know they are real people. First of all, I just know, and second they are so incredibly boring. Like I said when I dream, I dream hardcore. Jim Morrison and Alex Trebek playing powder puff football in 1920’s Harlem…..hardcore. These normal people are always just eating, watching TV or sometimes arguing. But never about anything good like race relations and beer summits, Donald Trump’s hair, or whether Al Gore is a sinner or a saint. No, they argue about money, snoring, and who’s taking the girl to dance class. They are just normal people living normal lives and I am forced to watch them as I drift off to sleep.
I’ve also learned the art of lucid dreaming, and it’s cooler than Isaac Hayes in a meat freezer. All you have to do is focus your mind back in on itself as you go to sleep, and you can literally live your dreams. You can play them out like you’re producing a movie. As far back as I can remember I could control my dreams. Back when I was 12 or 13 and Young Faithful was erupting every other night; I could pick who I slept with in my dream. All I had to do was focus on a face before drifting off. You think all that talk about 3-somes with Jo and Blair were made up? I totally hit that.
Now I only use my powers for good. To keep peace on earth, to try to hit the lottery and to make sure that asshole Trebek doesn’t cheat. And maybe once in a great while to give Jenny Garth a kind of sexual bliss she has likely never known in real life.
If I’m crazy at least I’m crazy in the good, “I can control my dreams and see real shit in my sleep,” kind of way, instead of the psychotic, “God loves us best so maybe we should bomb everybody else” kind of way. So what if I’m ready to call the writers of ‘Heroes’ and tell them about my power as long as they agree to let me write myself into the script and allow me to play myself? Rocky did it, why can’t I? You’ll recognize me as the really good looking crazy guy with sleep powers who is dating Jenny Garth.
I have asked other, normal people if they’ve ever experienced anything like what happens to me and I’m always met with a look that says, “Oh, you’re well on your way up that proverbial bell tower, aren’t cha?” I’ve never asked a group of creative people though; like bloggers. So please tell me I’m not about to find a penis in my ice cube tray!
Bust nets heroin stuffed toys.
Bronx, NY- Police arrested over a dozen people on Friday after seizing 33 pounds (worth over 30 million dollars) of heroin hidden in stuffed toys. The heroin was well hidden within a shipment of ‘Build-a-bear’ children’s toys.
Unfortunately it is believed that some of the ‘brown’ bears may have gotten through to the 8-14 year olds that the toy was intended for. Due diligence is required with all of your young children’s toys, but never more so than now. An educational program is now circulating, showing the warning signs that your child may have been exposed.
An excerpt from the public safety announcement…
Child, “Mom, can I please have another bear?”
Mom, “NO, you’ve already had one every day this week and two on Friday.”
Child, “Please just one more, my legs and my back hurt. I feel kind of queasy and my grippers are gripping.”
Mom, “What does that have to do with…..”
Child, “I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and I can’t keep listening to you yammer on. Please just go get my mother fucking ‘build-a-bear! Don’t come back with that shit brown tar Mexican either, I want some Asian or some of that sweet Afghan………um bear. Oh, and my friend Timmy’s mom called. She said she needs you to pick up some diabetic supplies, um needles I guess, a multi-pack of 20 gauge, 3 ml needles. Go ahead then, don’t make me pimp slap you woman, hurry the fuck up!”- If you have this conversation with your 10 year old son then you need to immediately take him to a detox/rehab.
-Paid for by the Consumer ‘for Obvious Observations’ Safety Board.
It was also interesting to learn some of the names used on the ‘stamp bags’ of heroin. “Barack Obama” was the most frequently used name presumably for the ‘yes we can nod out’ slogan, followed by “Swine Flu.” Why a junkie would want to be reminded of a flu or flu like symptoms is beyond me.
I know that if I were a drug dealer I’d have the coolest named stamp bags on the street, yo’. Cool ass names like- ‘Smack Crackle and Pop,’ ‘Ziggy Stardust,’ ‘Mr. Brownstone,’ ‘Sleepy Time Poppy,’ ‘The Sandman,’ ‘Nights of Arabia,’ and ‘Just Fucking O.D. Already.’ –just to name a few.
North Korea fires missiles on July 4th
Pyongyang, North Korea- Kim Jung IL once again confirmed that he has the tiniest penis among evil, midget dictators by test firing 7 short range ballistic missiles into the Sea of Japan on the American Independence Day.
A fisherman who was in the area at the time of the blasts explained that he thought a couple of kids had gotten hold of some assorted fireworks from nearby China. After the statement the fisherman was apparently kidnapped and forced into a “The Gimp” role by Jung IL. An anonymous official expressed disappointment at the ‘limp and soggy’ display of power, but did explain that the problem with the missiles was that they were made in Korea.
Kim Jung IL was purportedly angry that the Americans are such a wealthy county that they give away his stylish and expensive sunglasses to anyone who has a yearly glaucoma test at the optometrist.
After aides verified that it was not THAT Asian country lending the US billions of dollars, Obama harshly condemned the aggressive action, and told Jung IL to just stuff a sock in his briefs. “It’ll save a lot of money and a lot of problems” Obama went on to say.
Palin Resigns as Governor
In a shocking move to pundits, Sarah Palin announced over the weekend that she is resigning as the top boss in Alaska. She cited ethics probes and the intrusion of her family’s privacy as partial reasons.
Pure speculation points to the fact that she had a dream involving God speaking to her through the voice of Shawn Hannity. “Together we can keep science out of American schools, use books as they should be used (as kindling for burning baby seals), and keep this country safe from the use of condoms.” Hannity/God told her in the dream.
She explained that the only way she will have a chance in the 2012 election is by staying out of politics and away from ‘magic voice make louders’ as she refers to microphones. Palin also claimed that she wanted to appear as herself in more SNL scenes and Eminem videos. “Why should a regular hussy (Lisa Ann-’nailin paylin’) and a girl who has nothing but her mind (Fey) both make money off of my good name? I should be making that money. I like to do cool stuff too” she said.
She also kept the possibility of improving her diplomacy resume open by offering to meet with world leaders during the hiatus. She elaborated, “I’ll meet with them, as long as they don’t do weird stuff and speak funny. Since Jesus loves America best, shouldn’t everybody just speak American??”
The next day Niemen Marcus employees, Alaskan wolves, and librarians everywhere expressed their reborn faith in God, and heartfelt appreciation at the decision.