Warning Lines

Everyone should know the warning sings of beginning a relationship with an unstable or dangerous person; violent outbursts, drug dependency, letters from prison, etc, etc. Dr Phil has probably covered all that by now. I really don’t know, I can’t stand the smarmy, fat prick. But to my knowledge no one has ever covered the warning lines (sentences and phrases) that should put up a bright, red flag immediatly. Oh, and alarm bells should ring. And your life should flash before your eyes like a vacation slide show on crystal meth. So if you’re out on a date (especially a first date) and your date utters any of these statements or questions, just run like a crack whore who’s heard “Five-O.” Keep in mind that these are for the men as well as the ladies.

“I’ve had a tough year. I was a ‘person of interest’ in a homicide investigation.”

“You are the only person who ‘gets’ me.”

“Could you take a different route? I’m not supposed to be within 300ft of a school.”

“Do you have any Chore Boy at your house?”

                                                                                                                                                             

“Do you have any Risperdal or Zyprexa on you?”

“I’m totally healthy; I haven’t had an outbreak in two months.”

“My Husband is doing a ten year bit upstate.”

“Are you ok white boy? Do you need some brown?”

“When we get in here, could you pretend that you’re my niece?”

“Have you ever had an 8-some?”

“Wow, you’re probably going to make hubby number 5!”

“What the fuck are you looking at?”

“Do you want a hit of this?”

“Why don’t I just show you my cock now, to get it out of the way.”

“Why don’t you just show me your penis now, to get it out of the way.”

“I’ve just changed my relationship status on Facebook from ‘single’ to ‘in a serious relationship!”

“What kind of health insurance do you have?”

“I hope you’ve packed. I’m taking you to Clearwater to meet my friends.”

                                                                                                                                           

 

“Kids this is Mark; but you need to call him daddy now.”

“So, writers must make a lot of money, huh?”

“Theoretically speaking, how would you respond to a wedding proposal on the first date?”

“Have you ever seen The Crying Game?”

“I’m only stripping so that I can put myself through GED class.”

“Wait until you see my lovenest.”

“I’m only staying at my mom’s until I can get back on my feet.”

“I gotta run in this house for a second. Keep the car doors locked and the windows up.”

“Do you have some baking soda, a glass bowl, and a microwave at your place?”

“Wait until you see my melon ball-her!”

“Have you ever heard of emetophilia?”

“What size dress do you wear…..12? Do you moisturize regularly?”

                                                                                                                                                                     

“I’m S.C. Beringer. Maybe you’ve heard of me?”

“Do you want to hit a 12-step meeting and then grab some coffee and chat?”

“My name is Beth, but my friends call me Tweaker.”

“Say, out of curiosity; how old do you think that girl is?”

“I’m famous in my home town, I been on Springer twice.”

“Hang on, I just have to run in here and surrender my passport.”

“When we get to the party, make sure that you don’t make eye contact with any of my brothers.”

Following a knock at the door….

 

“I guess it’s time you meet the Gimp.”

“Oh my God! Hide in the closet. NOW!”

“Fuck. Shit. Oh my God. Fuck me.”

“You don’t happen to have five grand on you by chance?”

“Hurry, help me get this neck brace on.”

“Do you have a gun?”

“If that’s my parole officer, tell him I’m at work.”

“Have you ever heard of Troilism?”