It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m so excited that I could just pee on a prostitute. I mean, if she wanted me to. I wouldn’t necessarily like it, I’d just do it to be accommodating because I’m in a good mood. Sorry I haven’t been around as much as usual but it’s been for totally altruistic purposes. So I can get rich. Seriously? Things have come up and we might return to the states even sooner than expected. So I’m frantically trying to get as much of my book written as possible. Although I won’t be done before we leave, I’ll be close. This is the first book that I haven’t blown off after that 10 to 20 thousand word mark when past ideas have fizzled out like a damp crack rock. This one’s got legs, baby!
I promise to be more attentive to your wants and needs again soon. I’m seriously considering starting a meth habit so I can increase my working hours from 3 a day to 22. I still have to weigh the pros and cons.
This week’s post is admittedly weak, but in an effort to reward you with slight amusement for sticking with me through this slight lull, I give you this year’s resolutions…..
Stop knocking on my neighbor’s door and borrowing cups of ecstasy.
Throw someone under the bus while I’m on the chopping block. Ooohh, and definitely backdoor someone, hard.
Murder someone for wearing Crocs.
Find out what the IT in “it is what it is” is and murder IT.
Stop being so murdery.
Spend less time on the internet and more time on the web.
Figure out the ending of Lost. I think it had something to do with Cobb’s dream but I can’t be sure.
Figure out the ending of Inception. I think it had something to do with John Locke’s false teeth.
Fix this damn boat and find Colonel Kurtz.
Kick Glenn Beck in his vagina.
Punch Rosie O’Donnell in her testicles.
Fist-pump Snooki in her hemorrhoids.
Stop being so gross.
Find a ninja and get him to bite me. (I’m not sure how that works, honestly.)
Break Bad. Or, I should say, break even badder.
Rescue, foster and re-home more zombies than last year.
Teach young women not to get tattoos, not to go around kicking hornet’s nests and not to play with fire. The basics.
Write a best selling trilogy and NOT die before it blows the fuck up.
Get published at least once on both McSweeny’s and The Huffington Post.
Buy eggs at 7 cents a piece and sell them for 5 cents a piece and make a profit.
Clean up the Gulf seabed using only Tony Heywood’s liver and a bottle of turpentine.
Single handedly be the reason that the national vocabulary definition of ‘product’ goes from hair gel back to blow.
Just kidding about Snooki, I’d totally hit that.
I’ll be back at my regularly scheduled day and time next Sunday as well as checking in on everybody, I promise. Happy New Year!!
How many of you know people who are so repulsively hideous that they’ve almost turned the corner and become cool looking; like amazing graphics in an atrocious movie kind of way? And aren’t they always, heartbreakingly, in love with people who, unlike them, were blessed with fairly symmetrical faces? Well, send your Quasimodo-ish friends over here because this LG post is for them!
Sometimes these creatures end up climbing a bell tower in Texas, or trying in vain to shift economic policy away from Reaganomics by taking a few shots at the Gipper in a half hearted attempt to impress a girl who will later be gang raped on a pinball machine. Sad, sad stuff. Sometimes however, they actually land the girl. Rarer still, they sometimes, amazingly, get the girl without date rape drugs or stun guns.
So how are these beasts able to land the beauties? From what I’ve been able to deduce there are two basic ways for the aesthetically challenged have a shot at romance outside the pocket vagina arena or animal kingdom. The first tends to involve money or outside factors of success.
- Drop out of a prestigious school and either invent some software type of shit or some social networky type of shit and become an overnight billionaire.
- Using nothing but your huge balls, somewhat functional brain, street smarts, ruthless ambition and awful background noise/music, murder your way up the coca leaf ladder to the title of drug kingpin. First you’ll acquire money, then power, and only then will you get the girl. *Important Note: do not attempt to circumvent this time tested technique. Always Money> Power> Girl.
- Get her to agree to make a porno with you. You’ll have an impossibly romantic moment during either the anal pounding or the money shot scene in which she’ll fall in love with you.
- Sign with Eminem. You ‘should’ get plenty of groupie love.
- Have plenty of interesting life experiences which then perfectly coincide with opportunistic questions on a nationally syndicated game show and become a slumdog millionaire. *Important Note: this will require a lifetime of extraneous planning.
- Learn to play the drums. *Important Note; you must also be endowed with a horse-cock.
- Learn to popularize a new genre of rock-rap. Love Detroit. And midgets. Especially love Detroit based midgets. Be willing to settle for slopping 322nds.
The problem with the first method is obvious; you have to first become ‘fuck-you rich.’ There is, however, another method you can adopt which will incorporate the ‘fuck you’ without the need of all that unnecessary ‘rich.’ The second and most common way in which nasty people with problem features are able to have years of nauseous sex with normal or even beautiful people is to…
Hypnotise them with hatred.
Blind them with belligerence.
Arouse them with animosity.
Are you enjoying these? I have dozens! No? Shit, sorry.
Anyway, the single best option for playing above your skill level is to simply act disinterested in your love interest. This can not be a passive aggressive disinterest, that will only make you look like an opaque vagina. And as cool as an opaque vagina looks, it’s not the look that you’re going for with this. No, you need to show aggressive disinterest, like so…
- When she talks about her weekend, roll your misaligned eyes violently in your ill-shapen skull and loudly inform her that nobody cares.
- When she asks about your weekend say something like, “Well I wasn’t taking cocks up the ass three deep like some people I could mention, Mrs. Whorey McSlutterson.”
It is important to learn that if you can successfully shake their confidence, they will falsely come to believe that you are worthy of them. Remember that tears are your friend in this honorable endeavor. Try these easy to learn techniques for all of your confidence destroying needs.
- Casually mention that you saw her featured on peopleofwalmart.com and asked if she was there picking up ‘that’ outfit. Or getting the finishing touches on her dental work. Or if she just went to get ‘that’ hairstyle.
- As often as possible, ask her if she’s on some kind of steroid for something, maybe a fungal infection(?) as she really seems to have bulked up. Alternatively you can ask when she’s due and if she’s expecting twins.
- Remind her often that just because she ‘can’ wear something that it doesn’t necessarily mean that she ‘should’ wear it.
- Ask her if those horizontal stripes are ‘really the best idea?’
- Look truly concerned and ask if her face was involved in a horrific weed whacker mishap this morning. Follow with a flirty ‘jus kidding.’
- Tell her that Snooki just called and she said she wants both her spray tan and stoutly torso back or she’s going to come and re-break her already bruised and injured looking legs.
- Joke that if she gave you oral you could tell everyone that you guys finally ‘bumped uglies.’
After a month long, intensive application of this technique gently inform her that she is welcome to join you in the cafeteria of the local hospital for some tea after work, and that this location will help her to avoid awkward stares and too many questions about her appearance from strangers.
You should be golden, seriously golden! After you get the girl I expect you to send me some guns or money. Or maybe lawyers, depending.