Holy Shit and Toast

Sorry, this isn’t really a post. There will be no fat, white Buddha, no black, kindly God, no Snooki, no Zombie Papa Smurf, no Shapeshifter Tara Reid, no Rapture Reality TV, none of that. Instead, this is an eclectic mash up of disconnected ramblings which pretty much mirror the functioning of my mind right now. There will also be a joke:

 What will the Green Bay Packers secondary be known as after today?
Grilled Cheese.

Jesus, Mary, nor Pepper Jack can save you now.

 

I thought of that all by myself but I have no doubt that the national media will steal it and run with it. That’s what they always do to me.

 

So why the Holy Shit title? Two reasons; The Steelers! Super Bowl!! Stairway to Seven!! Holy Shit! Those exclamation points are all well deserved!

 

Also Holy Shit because we booked our flights and are leaving Spain for America on February 24^th. Karen’s rat-like dog, Luca Brasi, is going in a little airplane safe, Paris Hilton purse-like bag which can stay in the cabin, under the seat. My cat, Tunado, and my Dog, The Puppy, Big Pappy or Pablo Escobar depending on my inclination and her mood, are both going into cargo hold. I’m just praying that Big Pappy doesn’t chew through her crate and start eating random mechanical parts of the plane. This is a dog that chews cement steps and licks the paint off of walls in her down time. Fuck Snakes on a Plane, Samuel L. Jackson would meet his match with My Spanish Mutt on a Plane. On some real shit.

There's a motherfucking Spanish dog on this motherfucking plane!

 

Before we even have to worry about her going all jihadist though we have to get the three of them from Cadiar to Madrid. I don’t know how many of you have ever ridden with a cat or one or two nervous dogs; but very, very bad things can happen. Usually they happen out of both ends of all three animals as well. After we get to Madrid, we’ll then have to try and get three pukey, shity animals somewhat cleaned up and fed in preparation for a twelve hour flight.  

 

When we pick them up on the other end I fully expect them to be covered in excrement, vomit and possibly landing gear parts. From there we’ll just have a seven hour drive down alligator alley from Miami to St. Pete Beach. The problem with the Tamiami Trail is that if you stop to take a piss, you will be covered by mosquitoes from head to toe before you even undo your fly. Also you’ll probably be eaten by gators and/or stabbed by a Cuban coke dealer. That’s true of any road in Florida, honestly.

Florida is ridiculously dangerous.

 

 

Once we get ‘home’ we just have to pick up the keys to the apartment we’ve never actually seen and start life over, pretty much from scratch. Again.

 

Still, I’m extremely excited and can’t wait to get back now that it’s actually happening. Since the apartment is temporary I don’t even know if we’ll have internet. With the move and all I will probably be absent from blogoland for a couple weeks/a month until we get everything sorted out. Don’t worry though, I still have two more (real) posts (which will be funny) after this boring ramble.

 

I have a few questions for you guys now though, so this is the interactive part. (See how current, modern and hip I am?) Even though I’m probably going to have to either get a real job or go back to painting houses on the side, I’m obviously going to continue all of my writing. I’m still writing my book but I keep going back and forth between it being a novel or a looser collection of humor stories all based upon three central characters. I feel like, since I’m not known, my only chance of success is for it to be a novel. Or can I just do a David Sedaris type collection right out of the gate? Would that ever sell? I look at the non-novel humor books that do sell: Stuff White People Like and Shit My Dad Says and they all had followings before the books came out. Which would you guys be more apt to buy? Right now I’m going along as if it’s a novel but I can simplify it easily.

 

Also; a few people have told me that I should put together a short funny book about being American in Spain, the time I spent here. The problem is that I didn’t do much as far as integrating into Spanish life. I’m not sure that I did enough period. I mean, who wants to read about a guy who downloads The Wire and Lost and watches his laptop like a TV for three years. The only thing I’ve done a lot of is complaining. But that’s pretty much true to my character.

  

I also sat outside a lot. Crazy exciting!

 

What if I took a couple of my blog posts about living here in Spain, 10 or 20, and edited them and added to them. Maybe I could write a few more dealing with the major societal differences, some things about their unique customs seen through my American eyes. Describe how their way of life affected me, by making me mellower and less stabby. I’d keep everything humorous, obviously.  I’d write a quick intro at the beginning and wrap it up neatly at the end. Maybe lessons learned(?) or something….? It’s something that I could do quickly and painlessly, that’s why I’m thinking about it. I could add some fantastic photos but that would drive the cost way up….   

 

My question: would you guys buy that book? Not will you as my friends. But would you, as consumers? Would it be entertaining? And also will you as my friends? Like buying a date with an ugly chick for charity? But this wouldn’t be for charity. It would be for cocaine and hookers. Would you rather pay more and get photos? Is 50 or 70 pages enough?

 

Seriously, give me your advice and opinions about both books.

 

Go Steelers!!!