Zodi’s Blog

The Love God Answers You

How do you know it’s Gonorrhea and not just a bad day? -From Lisa.

That’s a good question but one I can answer easily. You see Gonorrhea will cause your labia to contract and expand quickly and repeatedly causing a loud smacking sound to echo throughout the room. This is why it is also known as the clap. If you do have the dreaded disease you can take Doxycycline 100 mg, orally twice a day for 7 days or you could leave it to fester unchecked. I’d do that. It’ll make a neat party trick if you also invest in The Clapper for your electronics. This way you can invite people over for a disco and basically run everything, from the strobe lights to the back beat and bass tempo, out of your vagina. You’ll be the Most. Original. DJ. EVER. 

Just like this but with more strobe lights.

 

A *loving* young couple are caught making spritely love in the house they share with one of their parents. Upon being discovered, they……?? Multiple choice answers preferred thanks, Love God -From Ruby.

 

Well you’re welcome! The Love God loves three things in this world; helping others, talking about himself in the third person and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Oh and good manners. That was supposed to be in the top 3 but didn’t make the cut.

I love multiple choice. This’ll be just like a choose-your-own-adventure book but with more sex and humiliation. This actually happened to me when I was 19. Although we weren’t ‘full on’ yet it was really, really bad. I wish we were having sex because my mom would have seen less than what she ended up seeing. It’s ok though because now I’m better suited to answer your question.

Just like this but with more Nabooti.

A-   Bury your faces in each other’s hair/neck and hope and pray that by some miracle of desperate imagination a new physics law will come into existence stating that if you can’t see your parent then they can’t see you.

B-    Slowly extricate yourself from your partner being extremely careful not to look them in the eye.

C-    Very, very quickly get dressed and drive away, anywhere really, maybe to pick up an eighth of something or other, maybe to sit by the river and smoke, maybe to go to a bar and briefly consider following the Grateful Dead even though their music is nice for the first few hours but then, really starts to annoy the shit out of you, for fuck’s sake how long can a harmonica solo really go on…(?) before deciding that you aren’t cut out for that life because your hair gets too itchy if you don’t wash it every other day, and maybe do all three.

D-   Never, ever, ever, under any circumstances whatsoever, acknowledge that this incident occurred. Not to your parent/s, not to your partner, and certainly not to yourself. At least not for the next 18 years. Or until you have to help someone else with this sort of thing.  

E-    All of the above. *The correct answer is E.

 

 I just saw an episode of South Park where the one of kids said that “Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman!” OMG! Is this true? –From #1BJFan.

 

I think that there are a bunch of places on the planet more germy than an American woman’s mouth. I’ll bet I can name 10 right off the top of my head.

1- Thailand.

2- The factory where they make botulism and swine flu.

3- Tiger Woods’ dick.

4- Andy Dick’s vagina.

It's bacteria ridden. And messy.

Hmm, that’s all I got. So it’s not the most bacteria ridden place on the planet but it’s close enough for horseshoes. I’ll bet horseshoes have a lot of bacteria too since they’re what horses use to run around outside all day. But not more than an American woman’s mouth.

 

How does a girl make a man fall in love, especially if she looks like Girl w/a messed up face?  –From Lisa

 

Ok, first of all you don’t have a messed up face. But the best way to make a man fall in love with you is by doing all of the little things to perfection. Learn to give the perfect blowjob… and the perfect back rub, laugh at his jokes, smoke his crack with him but don’t ‘push the pipe’ and when a ‘job’ goes bad help him to alter his appearance and burn evidence. Stuff like that. And if none of that works then sleep with his friends. 

What is the G in g spot?

 

It stands for surreptitious. Not sure why. I don’t understand it either but what do you expect from a vagina?

 

How do you know if you think about sex too much?

 

When you begin to see three Puerto Rican midgets fucking Woody Allen’s corpse (you can’t convince me he’s not dead) everywhere you look. Or maybe that’s how you know you took too much LSD. Either way, stay safe.

His corpse seems to like it though.

My boyfriend used to be extremely inhibited in bed, almost like a corpse. We’ve been together over six months now and after much coaxing and prodding; he’s finally coming out of his shell. Maybe too much. I’m beginning to suspect that the boy’s a freak. Lately, just as I’m warming up he starts licking me, everywhere. I delight in a nice tongue lashing as much as the next girl but this isn’t normal. He licks my nipples; nice. He licks my neck; hot. He licks the inside of my ear which gets me a little squeamish. He licks my cheek. He licks my forehead. He licks my nose. He licks my eyelids. He licks until feel like I’m being fucked by Marmaduke.  

Is there something wrong with him? How do I tell him that I don’t enjoy all the licking without hurting his feelings? -From Tracy.

 

In the interest of fairness I first have to ask you if you’ve switched to a new face cream? Is it possible that you are using a new brand that smells like ice cream and bacon? If that were the case then it wouldn’t be his fault because there is no man alive who can resist ice cream and bacon. I’d personally lick the downy fur off the ass off Rosie O if it tasted like ice cream and bacon.

I'll bet it does taste like ice cream and bacon too!

 

If you don’t smell like bacon however, your boyfriend is retarded. Or he’s a werewolf. Maybe he’s a retarded werewolf. Maybe the salty sweat that’s a product of your lovemaking is as irresistible to him as ice cream and bacon would be to a normal man. Now that I think about it, he’s definitely a werewolf.

 

I wouldn’t tell him it bothers you. I’d endure his coarse, hungry tongue until the next new moon. That evening, while he is receiving his secret, coded messages directly from Wolf Blitzer’s oddly luminous eyes on The Situation Room, drug his Mountain Dew with as much Xanex as you can before it starts to taste good. (That would be a lot) Then when he is completely passed out, stab him 3 times in the heart with a #2 pencil being sure to fill in the answer fully and not go outside the lines. Next, wrap his body in a Confederate flag (unless you think he’d find that offensive?) and bury it in a long abandoned opal mine near your home.

He's the alpha wolf.

I hope you follow my well googled advice to a T; for all of our sakes.

 

You’re welcome people! Now I need more questions please. You can leave them in the comments or email me zodifl@hotmail.com if you wish to remain annonymous.

October 7, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | 57 Comments

   

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