Zodi’s Blog

Scarier than Paula Abdul on Phetanyl

My first brush with the absurdity of fundamentalist Christianity came when my mom took me to a born again church when I was little. I only had to go a couple times but I knew even then that something was very significantly wrong with these people. Don’t get me wrong, I do consider myself a Christian. However, I knew right away that the babbling, chanting, sparkly eyed zealots did scare the living shit out of me. They all looked like Paula Abdul after licking her phetanyl patch, and acted like Andy Dick after snorting an 8-ball. The phrase ‘I love Jesus; it’s his fan club I have a problem with’ comes to mind.

 Since then I’ve had a weird obsession with these people. Like the elusive Meer cat, they are fascinating to observe in their natural, undisturbed environment. So in my never ending quest for blog material, I happened upon a particularly outlandish website called Rapture Ready.

 I couldn’t really say what I expected, but what I found completly blew my doors off. This is an exclusive website for window lickers with like minded beliefs. These like minded beliefs include some of the following, and I am not making any of this up;

~Any minute now, a giant trumpet is going to sound, and they are going to be whisked away to paradise, leaving everyone else on earth to suffer terribly for 7 years followed by the end of the world. AND they are ecstatic about this certainty!

~ Anyone who doesn’t believe that the earth is 6 thousand years old is an agent of Satan.

~Even other types of religious people like Catholics and Rick Warren are agents of the beast and hell bound.

~Any form of yoga or meditation is opening your soul up to demonic possession.

~That anyone who cares about the environment is an earth worshipping pagan. The earth is to be raped and destroyed according to God’s will.

~That Obama is probably the Antichrist incarnate.

~That Reagan was God, and Bush was Jesus. Well ok, I did exaggerate that one, but the feelings among these people are close enough for horseshoes.

~That Buddha and Gandhi are roasting in hell, but Hitler may be in heaven if he was saved.

~That a magic 8-ball may possibly be possessed by Satan.

~Book burning should be a national pastime. Especially the Harry Potter series, the Twilight series, and anything by Richard Dawkins.

~That mental illness is in fact demonic possession.

~That too much thought or compassion is actually an evil trick pulled by…..wait for it,…………………….Satan!

~That all god fearing Christians should have a multitude of pistols, assault rifles, and other misc. NRA approved weapons readily available in the den, bedroom, and refrigerator.

Sorry I could go on and on, but then I would have a freaky, scary website dedicated to white supremacists, guns, and hate. This may be the first time I’ve actually realized what a dangerous thing the internet can be. 20 years ago you would have had to been born in the bible belt, took the short bus to a school that taught that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs in the ‘Eden derby’, and then stayed in your home town to work the gun counter at Wal-Mart, to have held these beliefs. Maybe AOL, Verizon, Comcast, and the rest of the ISP’s should start requiring an IQ test, and if you qualify you receive a ‘surfing license’ for internet use.

Really, I had expected to probably be mildly entertained, and to definitely find some material for a blog. I did not expect to be so profoundly disturbed. I can not stay on that site for longer than 5 minutes without almost getting sick. If you spend more than 10 minutes around these people, even in cyberspace, your brain will literally melt, leak out of your ears, and pool on your lap.

These people are vile, hateful, ignorant, racist inbreds, feeding on fear and sustaining themselves on the certainty that Jesus is going to ride down on a cloud and take them to the promised land on a magic elevator.

I personally can’t fathom how a God that created all of this beauty, all of this perfection, could possibly be petty, jealous, and vengeful. Those seem like fairly unenlightened human emotions to me, but I guess I’m lacking faith.

It seems to me that the people who scream his name the loudest are the ones most in need of learning tolerance, peace, love, and acceptance. Then again I was under the impression that someone tried to teach those virtues a couple thousand years ago.

I lost a great many brain cells researching this blog. I hope you appreciate it!

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May 7, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

4 Comments »

  1. I’m going to have to check that website out. You offer a very insightful (and funny) summary. Thanks

    Comment by Davis | May 7, 2009 | Reply

  2. If you must go in, at least wear ear plugs!

    Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 7, 2009 | Reply

  3. “Goddamn the pusherman!” I wish I knew the author, but the quote I’ve always associated with people of whom your post is about goes, “God, please save me from your followers”. What is it about religion that makes people so crazy? I once got a comic book, (that’s right, comic book) from Jehovah witnesses that had a panel with the caption, “When God comes back he’ll kill all the bad people”. The picture was of a large metropolis exploding and screaming people running in a panic. Upon further examination you could see a cat being thrown by the blast. So I guess cats go to Hell. Which makes sense since all dogs to Heaven. Nice blog!

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | May 9, 2009 | Reply

  4. But I love my cat. He’s not a sinner, well except for ..never mind he’s repentant now! Bill Mohr sums it up perfectly when he says that if these people were born in the middle east they would be the first ones with a vest of TNT. And what the hell is it that makes these people believe that God loves America the best? If you check out that site go to the chat room. It’s a whole new level of crazy. Glad you liked it, thanks!!

    Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 9, 2009 | Reply


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