Zodi’s Blog

A “Silence of the Lambs” Mother’s Day

While so much attention has been paid to Hannibal Lecter, the infamous serial killing doctor, I felt that not nearly enough is known about Jame Gumb, aka ‘Buffalo Bill’. So in honor of Mother’s Day, I’ve conducted an interview with ‘Billy’s’ mother!

While I had expected to find a dilapidated trailer, I was surprised to come upon a well kept duplex in the suburbs of Cleveland. After ringing the ‘trumpet’ doorbell to the tune of ‘He is coming to take us Home’, I was greeted by a sturdy, handsome woman of 73 years. From the very beginning Joyce ‘the butcher’ Gumb made a strong impression. Apparently the nickname stems from her likeness to an old professional wrestler. That’s what she told me anyway.

As we sat on her plastic wrapped furniture she began to describe Jame’s early years. “Well sure, I had me some trouble back in his ‘baby days’. On account that I used to be a drunkard and a whore. Praise Jesus, all that sinin is behind me now. I had been livin in a brothel with Jame and one night after smoking some Moroccan Black and watchin Pat Robertson, I had me an epiphany. All I had to do was pull myself up by my bootstraps, they were f**k me pumps at the time, but I still pulled myself up. I married me a preacher man an he been takin care of me ever since”.

At this point I interjected, “At what point did you first notice that something was um…off about your son?” She then anxiously started doing some needlepoint. “I always thought that boy was a bit effeminate. We’d punish him but he’d just say he was bein himself. We took him to a great many revivals and retreats to cure him of his sinful nature, but that boy just wouldn’t be healed. I even took him to the great Ted Haggart who laid hands on him! I warned him that if he grew up and stayed a homosexual he was going straight to hell. Then he started to get better.” “Get better?” I asked. She went back to her needlepoint and explained that “yes, he was over the gayness. Praise Jesus”

She went on to say “and to think, those feel good liberals kept telling me to let the boy be, to just accept him as he is, HA! At one point they even suggested counseling” she laughs and laughs. “Every time we saw a homosexual look on the boys face, we just flogged him till he bled the blood of the righteous.”

I suggested that maybe we should take a short break, and she looked relieved. After complimenting her on her youthful appearance she showed me an amazing display of skin care products. She went on to explain “if we are not properly shielded, the devil’s demons will come in through our very pores. So I always did teach Jame that ‘we put the lotion on the skin’. That boy knows the importance of quality cosmetics!”

After sitting back down on the sofa, I guided the interview back on point. “So tell me about your son’s relationship with Hannibal Lecter” I asked. She really started getting fired up now. “See, what I told you about those hoighty, toighty, psychiatrists! That’s the liberal elite Mr. Limbaugh warns us about right there! Sipping on his fancy Chianti, nibbling on his liver, I knew they weren’t no good, gosh darn democrats!!” With shaking hands she picks up her needlepoint and slowly calms. “See that man had to be evil, See God protects his chosen with good down home values, and sensible ideals.”

After apparently finishing her needlepoint she went on, “Why, it was that Dr. Lecter that got Jame that little, white, yappy dog. No straight man would have a faggy dog like that!”

I did not know what to do except concur. I then asked, “So do you believe at least some of what they are saying about your son?” She stood up frighteningly fast, and said, “I categorically deny any and all charges leveled against my poor dead baby. He was as innocent as a newborn lamb. He is now sitting in God’s loving embrace. Thank God we cured him of his faggotry”

 

As I moved toward the door to leave she handed me the needlepoint. It was a throw pillow.

It said:

Made in The USA

Palin

Cheney

2012

Happy Mother’s Day!!!

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May 10, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

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