Zodi’s Blog

General public disgrace

Friends often ask me about my obvious hate and phobia of the general public. If you know me then you know that I make no attempt to hide my utter contempt for Joe Six-Pack and Suzie-Q-Winecooler. Friends ask, “Are people really that bad?” My answer is absolute, “yes, yes they are, they are worse than your darkest fantasies could conjure.”

I’m convinced that 80 to 90% of the general public are mouth breathing, window licking, intolerant, evil, petty, racist, ignorant, filthy animals with consciousness. Don’t worry, if you’re reading this then I’m not talking about you. The people I’m speaking of don’t read anything except whatever monthly magazine most closely mirrors they’re own socio-economic background and beliefs. They are walking, talking cartoons.

Anyone who has ever had to work with the general public knows what I’m talking about. It can be extremely entertaining though, and if I didn’t laugh, I’d cry like a baby while cradling a shotgun. So it’s better to laugh and let it go.

The main reason that my perception of the GP is not PC probably stems from working on a turnpike for about 5 years as a toll collector. This was a very good job believe it or not. Really good pay, full benefits, tons of perks, you had to know somebody to get this job and most of my colleagues were very intelligent with college educations. They stayed at the turnpike because it was so cushy. All that plus a beautiful blue polyester uniform.

The only really bad part about the job was having to deal with 500-1000 people a day. When you see numbers like that it’ll really shake your faith in humanity. I could write a book about the horrors I’ve seen, but instead I thought I’d share a few with you. Don’t worry, I’m focusing on the funny today. The unfunny ‘incidents’ I put on a DVD. It was the video in “The Ring.” Anyway the very tip of the iceberg…

-I saw more fully naked people than I care to remember. At least 2-4 a week. Why is it that the only people willing to be naked in public are those that we would never, ever want to see naked?

-I’ve had enough people hand me money covered in bodily fluid to keep me in therapy for years. If I could tell ahead of time I would just let it fly out the window. If not, I kept a handy bucket of pure bleach nearby to dip my hands in.

-And how could so many people be bleeding so regularly? You’d think I was a vending machine at the “Psycho” house in Universal Studios. Maybe there was a phlebotomy school for people with Parkinson’s nearby?

-It’s funny how people that smoke dope all the time forget that it’s illegal. So many stoners would just continue to casually smoke a joint while trying to pay me. The best was a couple who kept passing a foot long bong back and forth while looking for a buck-fifty in loose change. Then when most ‘heads’ do find the money, after counting it 4 times, it’s not even in the ballpark of close.

-I’ve had people accidentally hand me drugs along with paper money. Once I separated the glassine baggie from the cash, the look on their face alone was worth the price of admission.

-People who are loath to interrupt their screaming match long enough to pay me, making me privy to information on life and love which inspired me to pour bleach into my ears with a suction straw. All the neighbors in the trailer park? At once? Really Diane??  

-People who are incapable of emitting a single sentence to a stranger without uttering a string of profanities that would make an angry sailor go into anaphylactic shock. I’m not going to even attempt to recreate the mastery they displayed. My favorite though is the common “Fuckin-A-Right” when they are in a good mood. What does that even mean? Keep in mind that this was a big Northeastern city, not in Kentucky.

-I’ve had a woman tripping her proverbial balls off on mushrooms. (I know it was mushrooms because they were on a seat next to her.) She started screaming hysterically about the 4 Toyotas following her. They had been following her for 2 states and apparently wanted to harvest her organs for profit. The police had to come for that one, since she stopped in my lane, rolled up her windows, locked her doors, and covered her head with a blanket until they arrived.    

-I love the people that want me to count their money. They just hand me their wallet or purse and say, “just take what you need.” Yes I swear to God this has happened, more than once. My reply is always the same, “Fuckin-A-Right!”

-Plus the ‘normal’ everyday traffic of crackheads, prostitutes, pimps, strippers, shaking alcoholics, stoned athletes, and cheating, small time politicians, all of which I had a friendly daily banter with.

Like I said though, this is just the tip of the iceberg of why I have no faith or trust in the general public. Why that phrase makes a part of me curl up and die. If you still work with the general public, God Bless You. Me, I have looked into the face of humanity and ran away screaming.

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June 5, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

26 Comments »

  1. Wow, I always imagined toll booth collector to be one of the most boring, thankless jobs in existence. I had no idea humanity had degraded to this point already. I thought we were still a few years away. I’m way behind on my plans…

    Comment by Shawn | June 5, 2009 | Reply

    • Shawn- Boring…no, thankless…. I’ve had people offer to thank me in ways that made my head spin! The human race is past the tipping point and sliding faster everyday. There is no redemption! Too many pharmaceuticals have gotten into the water supply. It’s all over baby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 5, 2009 | Reply

  2. fucking a right

    Comment by mark | June 5, 2009 | Reply

  3. We’ve got a problem here, Scott. I won’t even get in my car unless I’m naked and bleeding.

    It makes getting out quite challenging actually.

    Comment by alantru | June 5, 2009 | Reply

    • Alan, Hahahaha.. so you’re one of the ones? Was somebody filming a horror movie down the street for 5 years? Maybe a porno featuring fat, hairy, middle aged hippies? Did Ashton Kutcher spend 5 years punking me? Were you in on it? If you always drive naked, then how do you deal with the umm……stickage? Do they make an easyoff type of product? I guess some Pam spray and a spatula. Ok, I quit, I just threw up in my mouth!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 6, 2009 | Reply

      • Alan stole my comment. I have ridden naked, but at the time I think I was not one that you wouldn’t want to see in that condition.

        Two words, Scott: cloth seats and carpet cleaner. Ok, well that’s four words. Or maybe it’s five. Here’s my purse, just take what you need.

        Comment by barelyknittogether | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  4. I’m not a huge fan of humans, never have been, but what I’ve learned over the years is that the crazies, thieves, liars and freaks are an essential part of the existence we all participate in. You may be shaken by their actions or lack of action, but you need them there to play that role, to give you that fuel making you who you are. Think of how many people rolled through that booth and talked about that crazy collector as they drove on down the road.

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | June 6, 2009 | Reply

    • I’ve never seen this philosophical side to you Rooster, I like it!! As a student of eastern thought, I agree wholeheartedly; we need the dark to have the light. For instance, without those particular incidents I would not have written this particular blog; which has hopefully entertained someone out there for a few brief moments!
      As for the time I accidentally ingested peyote and chased cars on my hand and knees for 4 hours before collapsing in a pool of blood, sweat, and motor oil; I distinctly called a MULLIGAN!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 6, 2009 | Reply

      • That sounds like quite the afternoon, Scott.

        Wait. We get mulligans? Why wasn’t I informed? 😉

        Comment by alantru | June 6, 2009 | Reply

  5. Did you ever catch a car?

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | June 7, 2009 | Reply

    • Oddly enough, I can’t remember. That’s one of the reasons I’m still ‘lending’ that nice man with the camcorder money every month! What you don’t know, can’t land you in a mental hospital!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 7, 2009 | Reply

  6. Alan, Thanks for that. I had been racking my brain for my next blog, now I know!!

    Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 7, 2009 | Reply

  7. Mental Hospital… the new reality show?

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | June 8, 2009 | Reply

    • It’s really not the fertile material you might imagine. All the crazy but intelligent people know how to avoid being committed. Crazy dumb people aren’t nearly as entertaining.

      Comment by barelyknittogether | June 8, 2009 | Reply

    • Another great idea from my favorite key grip! One more and I’ll be ready for #3!! I’ll give you your do props as well! Awesome!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  8. Scott,
    I, too, hate people. Almost all of them, really. My take on it is that Idiocracy is the most accurate portrayal of our future ever crafted.

    I’ve had jobs in which I’ve had to watch the general public (not the band) operate and the writing inspiration is the only thing of value.

    But as an aside to Ramblin’ Rooster, I’m pretty sure my open disdain is an attempt to not have to sit in my closet and cry while cradling my shotgun.

    And people in New Jersey say fuckin’A a lot more than people in the south. Believe me – I know.

    Comment by barelyknittogether | June 8, 2009 | Reply

    • Barelyknittogether, I agree, Idiocracy is more than a movie, it’s prophesy! Sad, but true.
      The general public does give a hell of a lot of writing material though, huh? Everything from the screenplay for “The Devil’s Rejects” through,…. well through “Idiocracy”-nice call!
      This was actually Pittsburgh Pa. There is no need to change the name to protect the innocent, there was no innocence involved! Lol. I’ve found that Pittsburgh and the bigger cities in NJ have a lot in common, unfortunately. Then I moved to Florida; the world capital of (Pick you own negative adjective, they ALL apply!)

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  9. I always make it a point to smile and tell the toll booth collectors on the NJ Turnpike “thank you” and “have a nice day.” I’ve done that drive 50 billion times and I can count how many times a toll collector responded in the positive to me: ONCE. I just assumed everyone hated their job and wanted me to know it.

    Oooh… I worked at a video store / pizza parlor in college. One time this, let’s just use the word “weird”, a regular came in and he paid with WET money (sweat? pee? semen?). We used pencils to carry it to the pizza till in the back and exchanged it for dry cash.

    Comment by Pammy | June 10, 2009 | Reply

    • I know that most of us loved our jobs; it was over 20 an hour with benefits that would make a European politician blush! It was just so many people were so rude and disgusting you learn to ignore them. I was always really nice to people if they looked ok. (hot)

      It’s probly best not to overthink what was on that money!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 11, 2009 | Reply

  10. But I’ve never made the drive naked or stoned. I’m boring.

    Comment by Pammy | June 10, 2009 | Reply

  11. Of course you wouldn’t have. It was only the ‘mole people’ as I began to call them!

    Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 11, 2009 | Reply

  12. I am very late onto this one, but tempted by your comment on CC’s blog today.

    That is one of the funniest, in a nauseating way, blogposts I’ve read for a long time.

    Now, you use the past tense for this ‘paid entertainment position’. What did you move onto? Psychotherapist?

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | August 25, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Dave, glad you stopped by! No, even though I went to school for marketing/advertising I have only begun working in the field in the past 2 years. After I left the turnpike, I moved to Florida and started up a painting company. Only having to deal with a few strangers a week……..priceless!
      I hope you come regularly now that we are properly acquainted.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 25, 2009 | Reply

  13. Yeah I came late to this celebration of life too. The ‘humanity thing’ is too big for my head to handle, given it is skillfully tied up in multitasking surfing the net, watching TV and talkin to my partner, so all I can think is – it would take only one, just one experience with bodily fluids on the coins I was collecting and I’d be wearing gloves for the rest of my life

    Comment by rubytwoshoes | April 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh the humanity! The problem with gloves is that after awhile, you can forget you’re wearing them and do something stupid like scratch your lip. Then before you know it you’re in the bathroom rinsing you mouth out with bleach!

      Thanks RubyTwoShoes!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 11, 2010 | Reply


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