Zodi’s Blog

Just Take a Mulligan

The invention of the reality mulligan

 

I have to give some credit for this blog to Alan Truitt; the hilariously twisted mind behind SICK DAYS.  Sometimes I forget that the world doesn’t share my eccentricities, and a simple question both reminded me of that, and gave me something to write about! In this case he asked me about the mulligan; the most beautiful, honorable, gracious rule ever made up by people who suck at golf ….and life.

 

My friends and I grew up right next to an extremely wealthy community with plenty of country clubs and golf courses nearby. So being of the less fortunate class, we all caddied to earn some extra money in the summer. (Sometimes it was really outrageous money, if bets were won!) Other than the odd surgeon or relief pitcher for the Pirates, most of the people we caddied for sucked ass at golf. I mean they were horrible, they made me look like Tiger Woods, and I’m not even John Daly after a 12-pack of Heineken and 8 shots of Jack!

 

For four years I watched a chorus line of old, fat, white, rich men tee off into lakes, trees, and parking lots with their only consequence being to dig out a new ball and say that magic word….mulligan! This left an indelible impression on my young and already warped mind. I thought to myself, “My God, what if we could apply such an amazing, liberating principle to real life?” –Thus the all-encompassing, reality-mulligan was born!

 

Since we were at an age where we made mostly impulsive, drunken, or immature decisions, this idea couldn’t have come at a better time. We agreed that until society at large would evolve and accept this brave new concept; at least we would! Since in golf you can only call two mulligans in a round, we decided that our limit would be two a month. This meant that we couldn’t brutally make fun of, bitch about, or even acknowledge any incident in which a mulligan was applied. Yay! 

~You publically offered to buy a stripper a whole new wardrobe of ‘less slutty clothes’- as my drunken and angry friend put it one night-mulligan!

~You puked in the backseat of a friends brand new car (bought 2 days earlier)-mulligan!

~You got arrested for public urination outside of a concert because there were hardly any port-o-potties and I just couldn’t hold it anymore for fuck’s sake-mulligan!

~Knock out fights between good friends-mulligan!

~You met a hot girl and left with her, leaving all of your friends stranded at an out of town club-mulligan!

~Ill advised drunken hook-up’s and on and on…….mulligan! I could obviously go on damn near forever, but by now you clearly understand this princely concept!

 

It is my sincere hope that someday this humble way of life catches on among those in authority; spouses, God, cops, judges! Imagine where this could be applied to better serve humanity:

~All words said during heated arguments

~All non-injury car wrecks

~Any arrests which are the result of a triple dog dare

~All public urination arrests

~All first time minor drug offences

~Pirating and selling cutting edge software to the highest Chinese bidder-sorry B.G.

The limits here are really as endless as our own immaturity/stupidity/hormonal/bladder control issues!

 

This would be an especially helpful tool for those people that don’t have the requisite number of filters between their brain and mouth. Even when you have a working filtering system in place, you can allow things to slip through the cracks. It’s like you can see them escaping your mouth in slow motion but just can’t keep those last obnoxious, horrible thoughts in your brain. This would work a lot like the Staples ‘easy button,’ because consequences suck!

 

Since God made us such fallible, erring creatures, he could at least give us this magnificent ‘do-over’ feature, at the very least twice a month. Come to think of it, all the new models of big bank execs, hedge fund managers, and crooked politicians already come with this upgrade. I think it’s everybody’s turn for a second chance, and third, and fourth, and……….

 

If you’re playing along at home, then remember only twice a month or life begins to lose its meaning! If you were offended by this post…Mulligan!!

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June 8, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

19 Comments »

  1. This is a revolutionary idea. I’ve often fantasized about having that little button like on Tivo, the one that lets you see the last few seconds over again.

    My life would have gone quite differently if we could do this. In fact, I imagine there are many people out there who would mulligan me out of their history. 😉

    Comment by barelyknittogether | June 8, 2009 | Reply

    • Barelyknittogether- Nobody would mulligan you out of their history! Besides that’s not allowed, you could really muck up the space-time continuum like that!
      The whole remote control idea is an amazing one as well; which reminds me, I never did see “click”, I’ll have to download that soon!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 9, 2009 | Reply

  2. Now, I just wish to be able to pause and rewind on life

    Comment by Davis | June 8, 2009 | Reply

    • Again, I’m going to have to look into the various ‘remote’ ideas!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 9, 2009 | Reply

  3. Great stuff!

    I like this philosophy of yours. Very much

    And thanks for the shout out and kind words.

    Funny enough. I grew up right beside a private golf course too. The kids in our neighbourhood frequently broke into the club’s barn and rode the golf carts down our streets. It was quite the sight. My brothers and I used to wait until things got quiet and then sneak down and play a few holes. The fairways were better than most greens. It was awesome.

    Comment by alantru | June 8, 2009 | Reply

    • We snuck on regularly also. We used to start every Friday night partying on the 13th green and then just take it from there. We used to ‘borrow’ the carts as well, and a couple ended up in a body of water or three! Good times!
      As caddies we were allowed to play on Monday night, actually became pretty good. My friend ended up with a golf scholarship to Edinboro. I ended up a lot more like John Daly except with out the monster drive, just with the drinking and gambling.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 9, 2009 | Reply

      • If that’s the case then you are one heroic drinker and gambler! Please send me your autograph.

        Comment by alantru | June 12, 2009 | Reply

  4. Glad to know of this metaphorical white-out. I think it will come in handy.

    Related: I used to live on a golf course, and judging by the ways the golfers would go traipsing through the bushes outside my window looking for their balls, I have to imagine they had never heard of this liberating rule.

    Comment by Shawn | June 8, 2009 | Reply

    • My view is this; if you’re not playing for big money and not in an organized game, then after 2 minutes just either take a mulligan, or take a drop. I can’t stand the douchbags who shoot in the 90’s and still spend 10 minutes looking for every lost ball. Which turns out to be every ball they hit. If I were you I would have had a wireless remote control for the sprinkler and soaked everyone of them!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 9, 2009 | Reply

  5. I’m sensing a theme here. Are all these minds the product of living near a golf course? Did Fundamental Jelly also grow up near one? Is it the herbicides or the pesticides? I have children, you know, so this is research.

    Comment by barelyknittogether | June 8, 2009 | Reply

    • My mind is the product of a lot of unfortunate circumstances. I wouldn’t blame herbicides nearly as much as other um….herbs. I wouldn’t blame pesticides as much as… well do you have a pharmaceutical encyclopedia nearby?
      Just keep your children away from pharmaceutical encyclopedias!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 9, 2009 | Reply

  6. Johnny Cochran had mulligan tattooed on his ass, (please don’t ask me to explain how I know this.)

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | June 9, 2009 | Reply

    • Rooster- Does this have anything to do with ladies night at gay bars, phat dongs, and ass-less chaps? Was Kato involved in any way? You have to tell me now! Afterwards just call a mulligan and we’ll forget all about it!! Ooh, ooh, did he make the gloves that didn’t fit out of leather pants which are now ass-less chaps; meaning they never should have acquit??

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 9, 2009 | Reply

      • Oh man, you got my in some hot water now! I was sworn to never tell anyone about Kato making the gloves from my leather pants, thus turning them into ass-less chaps. To legit to acquit? The answer is no. Mulligan! Mulligan! Mulligan!

        Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | June 10, 2009 | Reply

  7. Oh man, you said it three times! Now Beetlejuice may or may not appear, depending on prior committments to the Howard Stern show.
    I still have to accept your mulligan. Altho if you reconsider there may be a book deal or better yet, a reality show in it for you!

    Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 10, 2009 | Reply

  8. I want a picture of you in your ass-less chaps.

    Please and thank you.

    Comment by candice | June 10, 2009 | Reply

    • I’ll send a pic right away! You might not be able to see my ass too well though; I’m wearing one of my 3X t-shirts! I’ve heard they’re all the rage!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 10, 2009 | Reply

  9. My commitment to the Stern Show is to never mention it… damn! As for the reality show, you have the green light as far as I’m concerned, but I don’t want to play Ramblin’ Rooster. I want to be… (try and guess)

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | June 11, 2009 | Reply

    • Well let’s see; I would think that given your suburb acting abilities you would do it Eddie Murphy style. Using make up and costumes you’d change from Johnny Cochran, to Kato, to an ass-less chaps wearing, gay biker extra, to a normal sized black man with a tiny little head-OR maybe you would rather play the ghost beetlejuice? Anyway doing it Eddie Murphy style, I assume that you would offer one of the real ass-less chap wearing, gay bikers a ride home; not because you’re gay or anything, but because as a rich and famous movie star you regularly pick up people by the side of the road, because you’re just nice like that!
      -I just realized that this isn’t a reality show as much as a HBO styled soap-opera!

      As a side note- I went to high school with Beth Ostrosky, Stern’s new wife. She wasn’t hot in high school; she was a gangly center for the girls basketball team. She was always a cool girl, she hasn’t kept in touch tho! lol.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 11, 2009 | Reply


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