Zodi’s Blog

That seems like a great idea

I have to thank my friend Ramblin’ Rooster for this one, because his hilarious post ‘Emergency List’ jogged my mind enough to remember some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever done. It always starts with one long forgotten incident and a whole past life of idiocy comes flooding back.

 

I’ve earned my wings

 

When I was about 7, I thought it might be a great idea to try my hand at flight. I remember thinking, “the birds can do it, and I’m smarter than a bird, so I can do it!” So I duct taped a combination of cardboard, styrofoam, paper, and plastic sheeting to every conceivable square inch of my body. Then I climbed a tree to a neighbors garage, and with a running leap, I dove off like I was Greg Louganis on a 75ft. dive. After furiously flapping my arms for .7 of a second, I hit the ground very, very, hard. Luckily I was able to walk away with only bruised ribs, a couple stitches, and a newfound love for painkillers. Turns out I’m not smarter than a bird.

 

 

Getting Pissy

 

I was 16, it was summertime, and we drank beer constantly. A week before football practice was due to start up, I had tried weed for the first time. I didn’t really get high, I just kept asking the girl I was with, “am I high yet?” I guess I thought she’d know. Then I found out that we were going to be drug tested for the first time at the beginning of the school year.  Now I have a problem.

 

But I came up with a solution! I got my friend to piss in a baggie, which I then taped to my inner thigh/groin area. This will keep it warm and also be in the right spot to look normal if someone is standing behind me come test time. I also strategically placed a large pin in the fold of my jeans so that I could easily puncture the baggie, and ‘urinate’ gloriously drug free pee! I’m a genius!

 

I had no idea what time the drug test would be so I had to have ‘all systems go’ from the 7:30 start of school. Let me tell you, it’s impossible to walk around with another persons pee, plus a large, metal, sharp object right next to your junk, without getting really self conscious about it.

 

Now I’m walking around a high school, shuffling and limping, like I had hurt balls. This caused an irresistible attraction to every adolescent boy within range to come and try to kick or knee me in the sack. Things kept deteriorating from there until I sprung a slow leak and had to abandon the whole operation, go to the gym, and shower.  

 

It turned out that the test had just been a rumor and everything was now right with the world. Except since very few people knew the truth behind that day, I had earned the nicknames ‘blueballs’ and ‘softnuts,’ and also had to fend off the random ‘crotch shot’  for the next few months.   

 

Drag Race

 

Don’t let the name of this fool you. I don’t actually know anything about cars. I don’t know anything about dirt bikes either.

 

I was 14 or 15 and hanging out with an unbelievably hot girl that I was always looking to impress. She had a friend who was a junior mechanic of sorts, and had come over with a souped up mini dirt bike. The fact that the friend was a girl made me 3 times more likely to act stupid, out-macho her, and get really hurt.

 

Fully armed with zero knowledge of engines, or gears, I figured I’d impress them both with my athletic prowess and taming of the mini-beast. That I was a city boy and had never even seen someone ride a dirt bike didn’t enter my mind.

 

I stood up over this short, little, metal thing, and before I could even sit down, I lock onto the handle bars (which included the accelerator) with a vice like grip. The little bastard bike takes off like a bat out of hell, and drags me along with it. The back tire is grinding along my crotch nicely. My mind commanded my hands to let go but my hands held on in a kung-fu death grip. As a hole was quickly burning its way through my jeans, I was finally able to let go and fall free, but not before slamming my face into the spinning tire.

 

The bike ended up 100 yards away in a pool of gas and oil. I ended up 50 yards away in a pool of blood, smoldering denim, and pride. I had a lot of cuts and bruises, brush burn on my face, and really sore, hot balls.

 

Believe it or not I never did get the girl, but I’m still friends with her to this day! That’s what a little physical comedy will do!

 

-I really do owe a huge dept of gratitude to Rooster. If I never have another good idea for a humor blog, I could just recount the idiotic shit I’ve done. It is worth years of material!

Advertisements

June 29, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

16 Comments »

  1. great story about the bag of urine

    Comment by Davis | June 29, 2009 | Reply

    • Oh I’ve got a million bodily fluid stories! Perhaps you’d enjoy a little semen next?

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 30, 2009 | Reply

  2. Hilarious!

    When I was 9, my hero was Alice Cooper. He used to hang himself on stage. I wanted to hang myself like my hero, Alice Cooper. I tried it on my monkey bars. Almost killed myself. I met Alice about 4 years later on a golf course. I wanted to tell him all about it, but I was too awe struck. But I did play 9 holes of golf behind him. When they waved me on to hit on a par 3, I was terrified. And then thrilled when I landed about 10 feet from the cup.
    That’s when I asked him for his autograph. When I told him my name, (It’s Mike) he said… “That’s a funny name for a boy.”

    Comment by alantru | June 29, 2009 | Reply

    • Alantru- Well at least it wasn’t a couple years later, and you were emulating Michael Hutchence, that would have been far worse! I’m glad you didn’t die; I wouldn’t even know I was missing all this witty banter!
      Officially, you could claim that you played golf with Alice Cooper; that’s so cool! I’m surprised you hit a good shot, I would flubbed it. It always gets to me that he is actually such a decent golfer. It just seems so…wrong, somehow. I can’t believe he let you play through.
      So what the hell kind of drugs was your momma on anyhow? Mike? Damn, your childhood must have been pure hell. And I thought my friend Bill had it bad. The government should just pay for your therapy with a name like that!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 30, 2009 | Reply

      • Alice lives here now and it’s interesting that Alice thinks Mike is a funny name for a boy.

        Comment by Claire Collins | July 1, 2009 | Reply

  3. I don’t get it… dumb shit? Where? This all seems methodic fun to me. Let’s get some beer and P A R T Y ! ! ! Oooo, I heard Claire got a case of whiskey…

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | June 30, 2009 | Reply

    • Done deal! We’ll meet at the track, they have a $1000 poker buy in tonight! I just thought of a great idea of how to scam the mafia too! I’ll tell you about it later. It’ll be great!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 30, 2009 | Reply

    • Alan and Scott gave me some great gifts for my birthday Rooster. We can party for a long time now. Speaking of which, what did you give me for my birthday?

      Comment by Claire Collins | July 1, 2009 | Reply

      • I didn’t get you anything, I’m sorry. I know I could try to be funny, but joking about birthday gifts is just something I don’t take lightly.

        Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | July 3, 2009 | Reply

      • Rooster, you make me laugh. There’s no better gift than that. And you give it to me every day, not just on my birthday.

        Comment by Claire Collins | July 3, 2009 | Reply

  4. Nice job softnuts!!! Thanks for sharing, nothing like that ever happened to me…huummm.

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | June 30, 2009 | Reply

    • I knew it wouldn’t be long before we had our first ‘softnuts’ comment!! Being a fellow surfer though; I’m sure that your nuts are fully tenderized as well!
      Like I’ve said, I will keep coming back to this list. Endless material!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 30, 2009 | Reply

  5. Your poor nuts. They saw alot of negative action thanks to your brilliant plans.

    I hope you’ve wised up over the years or you might end up earning the nickname Uni-ball, Lance Armstrong, or Scotty no nuts.

    It would be tragic

    Comment by candice | July 1, 2009 | Reply

    • Candice-It was almost like the forces of nature conspired in a Darwinian effort to sterilize me. Thank God it didn’t work! I take much better care of them now!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 1, 2009 | Reply

  6. oh my god, Scott. I can’t breathe. It’s amazing you have balls left after those stunts. I’m thinking you don’t like “the boys” much, and yet again, I am so grateful to be a woman. You sacrificed your face to save your balls. You are a true man.

    Comment by Claire Collins | July 1, 2009 | Reply

    • Claire- It was all gut reaction, if I had to pick between the two, I probably would choose my face. I could still get laid without functioning balls. I don’t think I’d do to well with a “Vanilla Sky” face though. I guess I’m not that much of a real man. But, I’ve always cared deeply for the boys, and like I said; I do take much better care of them now. Nothing but the finest linen boxers for my cherished twins!!
      Do you run into Alice at the local grocery store? That would be so cool!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 1, 2009 | Reply


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: