Zodi’s Blog

Weekend wrap up with a warning to parents

Bust nets heroin stuffed toys.

 

 

Bronx, NY- Police arrested over a dozen people on Friday after seizing 33 pounds (worth over 30 million dollars) of heroin hidden in stuffed toys. The heroin was well hidden within a shipment of ‘Build-a-bear’ children’s toys.

 

Unfortunately it is believed that some of the ‘brown’ bears may have gotten through to the 8-14 year olds that the toy was intended for. Due diligence is required with all of your young children’s toys, but never more so than now. An educational program is now circulating, showing the warning signs that your child may have been exposed.

 

An excerpt from the public safety announcement…

Child, “Mom, can I please have another bear?” 

Mom, “NO, you’ve already had one every day this week and two on Friday.”

Child, “Please just one more, my legs and my back hurt. I feel kind of queasy and my grippers are gripping.”

Mom, “What does that have to do with…..”

Child, “I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and I can’t keep listening to you yammer on. Please just go get my mother fucking ‘build-a-bear! Don’t come back with that shit brown tar Mexican either, I want some Asian or some of that sweet Afghan………um bear. Oh, and my friend Timmy’s mom called. She said she needs you to pick up some diabetic supplies, um needles I guess, a multi-pack of 20 gauge, 3 ml needles. Go ahead then, don’t make me pimp slap you woman, hurry the fuck up!”- If you have this conversation with your 10 year old son then you need to immediately take him to a detox/rehab.

-Paid for by the Consumer ‘for Obvious Observations’ Safety Board.

 

It was also interesting to learn some of the names used on the ‘stamp bags’ of heroin. “Barack Obama” was the most frequently used name presumably for the ‘yes we can nod out’ slogan, followed by “Swine Flu.” Why a junkie would want to be reminded of a flu or flu like symptoms is beyond me.  

 

I know that if I were a drug dealer I’d have the coolest named stamp bags on the street, yo’. Cool ass names like- ‘Smack Crackle and Pop,’ ‘Ziggy Stardust,’ ‘Mr. Brownstone,’ ‘Sleepy Time Poppy,’ ‘The Sandman,’ ‘Nights of Arabia,’ and ‘Just Fucking O.D. Already.’ –just to name a few.

 

 

North Korea fires missiles on July 4th

 

Pyongyang, North Korea- Kim Jung IL once again confirmed that he has the tiniest penis among evil, midget dictators by test firing 7 short range ballistic missiles into the Sea of Japan on the American Independence Day.

 

A fisherman who was in the area at the time of the blasts explained that he thought a couple of kids had gotten hold of some assorted fireworks from nearby China. After the statement the fisherman was apparently kidnapped and forced into a “The Gimp” role by Jung IL. An anonymous official expressed disappointment at the ‘limp and soggy’ display of power, but did explain that the problem with the missiles was that they were made in Korea.

 

Kim Jung IL was purportedly angry that the Americans are such a wealthy county that they give away his stylish and expensive sunglasses to anyone who has a yearly glaucoma test at the optometrist.

 

After aides verified that it was not THAT Asian country lending the US billions of dollars, Obama harshly condemned the aggressive action, and told Jung IL to just stuff a sock in his briefs. “It’ll save a lot of money and a lot of problems” Obama went on to say.

 

Palin Resigns as Governor

 

In a shocking move to pundits, Sarah Palin announced over the weekend that she is resigning as the top boss in Alaska. She cited ethics probes and the intrusion of her family’s privacy as partial reasons.

 

Pure speculation points to the fact that she had a dream involving God speaking to her through the voice of Shawn Hannity. “Together we can keep science out of American schools, use books as they should be used (as kindling for burning baby seals), and keep this country safe from the use of condoms.” Hannity/God told her in the dream.

 

She explained that the only way she will have a chance in the 2012 election is by staying out of politics and away from ‘magic voice make louders’ as she refers to microphones. Palin also claimed that she wanted to appear as herself in more SNL scenes and Eminem videos. “Why should a regular hussy (Lisa Ann-‘nailin paylin’) and a girl who has nothing but her mind (Fey) both make money off of my good name? I should be making that money. I like to do cool stuff too” she said.

 

She also kept the possibility of improving her diplomacy resume open by offering to meet with world leaders during the hiatus. She elaborated, “I’ll meet with them, as long as they don’t do weird stuff and speak funny. Since Jesus loves America best, shouldn’t everybody just speak American??”

 

The next day Niemen Marcus employees, Alaskan wolves, and librarians everywhere expressed their reborn faith in God, and heartfelt appreciation at the decision.

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July 6, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

12 Comments »

  1. I don’t even know where to begin. Brilliant, Scott. Brilliant.

    How about “Spider Killah” for the smack bags? I’m guessing you know what I’m talking about. I hope. Or maybe I hope you don’t. Well.

    Palin is an idiot, and I’m a conservative. I mean the old fashioned kind, the kind that actually exercises restraint in things like spending money, forming yet more government entities, and interfering with individual rights.

    Call me old fashioned, but I kind of like having rights, don’t you?

    I knew there was something hinky with that Jung Il fellow. Small penis, huh? And saddled with a girl’s name, too. He should just put himself down for the celestial dirt nap and save someone the trouble.

    Comment by barelyknittogether | July 6, 2009 | Reply

    • BKT- thanks! Unfortunately I don’t know ‘spider killah,’ I have been out of the country for over a year though. I tried to google it to no avail. Now you must tell me. There is nothing worse for me than not getting a reference since I use so many in my humor. So please tell me!! Oh and can you mail me that brown build-a-bear soon. I’m dyin over here!
      I love having rights. Believe it or not I used to consider myself more of a conservative at least economically. I dove way off that boat when the crazy fundamentalist Christians and racists started taking over. They run the show now. Plus things changed in my life to allow me to see that we need to help each other out a lot more. I’ve seen a lot of the plus sides of so called evil socialism over here, and it ain’t that bad.

      Kim Jung IL has so small a penis it may be a vagina. He’s a walking cartoon character, gotta love it! Don’t forget to write back and tell me???

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 6, 2009 | Reply

    • Well, I hope you aren’t asleep yet. I’d hate to leave you hanging all night, as I’m sure it would affect your rest.

      There’s nothing that clever about “Spider Killah.” I was referring to the feeling of spiders crawling beneath one’s skin when one is withdrawing. And obviously, using again would kill those spiders.

      I swear I don’t know this because of personal experience, unless you count direct observation.

      And those groups are not conservatives. They are spendy morons. Okay, not all of them. And most of the liberals are spendy morons too, just to be clear.

      I’m an extreme libertarian. The true definition of a conservative.

      Comment by barelyknittogether | July 6, 2009 | Reply

      • Ah, thanks for the heads up, now it make sense. I was trying to think if ‘Ghostface Killah’ got caught with smack or OD’d, or if the kid from the spider man movies OD’d, along those lines.
        Being an extreme libertarian looks so cool! Do you do all those cool bike jumps and skateboarding moves? Do you ‘do the dew’ while parachuting onto Everest before riding a dirt bike back down? I always wanted to be extreme but was always afraid I’d get hurt.-I’m just playing with you BKT!!!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 7, 2009 | Reply

      • Did I say extreme libertarian? I mean extreme librarian. I read extremely fast, I shush people while skating upside down on the ceiling, and when I shake out my prudish, conservative upsweep of hair, the earth trembles.

        Comment by barelyknittogether | July 8, 2009 | Reply

  2. Fun post, Scott!
    This connection between teddy bears and drugs made me wonder about other strange matchings – specifically what movies would be inappropriate porn films?

    Bambi
    Snow White & The Seven Dwarves
    Supersize Me
    The New Adventures of Pipi Longstocking
    Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

    Comment by alantru | July 7, 2009 | Reply

    • Why do I feel strangely aroused right now? I did dream of MJ, the elephant man and claw foot bathtubs, humm. Now that I think about it; I believe that you may have a winner with Pipi. You could get Lisa Ann to wear those sexy stockings, and then you’d have the whole umbrella thing going on. I’m sold on the idea!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 7, 2009 | Reply

  3. I’ve been to both malls and struck out both times. Thanks for the wild goose chase! I was the one who shot the missiles and Palin resigned because she has my gay baby inside her.

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | July 7, 2009 | Reply

  4. Dude, not the mall, you gotta go to Boy-R-US. If that doesn’t work try Willie Wonka, that cat always has spare junk.

    I did have my suspicions that it may have been you after reading your last post. Tell me; are you overcompensating for anything? If so I may have to take away your ‘cockfighter’ status. I don’t want to have to have to do that.

    Congrats on nailin Palin, that’s awesome! Your gay baby? Triple congrats then! 1 You’ve created a child! 2 You’ve proven the existence of the ‘gay’ gene! 3 You’ve caused Palin to resign! You have my nomination for the Nobel prize in serving humanity!

    Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 7, 2009 | Reply

  5. I just want the world to love each other, (clothing optional).

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | July 8, 2009 | Reply

    • And in that you have succeeded my friend!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2009 | Reply

  6. BKT- Wow, that sounds like my kind of librarian!!

    Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2009 | Reply


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