A mostly naked weekend wrap up

Mallorca Spain– A drunken British man (is there any other kind?) was apparently arrested for being too generous. After disembarking from his plane and stumbling into the main terminal, a 59 year old unidentified Manchester England resident began acting strangely. He took off his shirt, began laughing hysterically, and proceeded to hand out large wads of cash and travelers checks to delighted passing strangers. Airport security responded when alerted that there was a shirtless man causing a disturbance. Witnesses claimed that the man was heavily intoxicated, had a tramp like appearance, and a very disagreeable smell. After ascertaining that the money was real, officials became concerned, and I quote, “that it was a member of the Rolling Stones, again. This happens every month lately, they just can’t hold their booze, heroin, and barbiturates like they used too. Sigh.”

 

After finding that he was not a Stone, police found that the man had in fact just received a large inheritance and was really, really, really, ridiculously bad with money. Much to the chagrin of the citizens of Mallorca, officials gently coaxed the man to get back on a flight to the UK. Even the usually silent Mallorca Chamber of Commerce chimed in with, “What the hell was that, are they retarded? Daddy needs a new pair of shoes!”

 

Meanwhile there is a red-carpet reception awaiting the man at Manchester airport. Nigerian investment bankers, Ponzi scheme hopefuls, Mike Tyson, and a plethora of crack whores are waiting expectantly.

 

He had already handed out $73,000.

 

Stratford Connecticut- A 41 year old man has been arrested on charges of public indecency and disorderly conduct, after showing up at his dental appointment 5 days late and buck ass naked. Police say that Christopher Hoff came stumbling into Optimus Dental on Monday singing ‘3 Strange Days’ and completely exposed. After the receptionist saw him and screamed, he ran away leaving nothing but the disquieting sound of junk slapping thigh. “I can still hear it when I close my eyes.” The receptionist told disgusted reporters.

 

Police later found him in his Stratford home, claiming to have blacked out from Ambien and Colgate mouthwash. After police took him back to the dental office, the receptionist was able to identify him by his crocked, uneven, and slightly discolored testicles.  He was then brought to jail.

 

He picked up another charge during the booking process for ‘failure to comply with fingerprinting.’ Hoff ironically claimed that it was an invasion of privacy.

 

The dentist was also upset, saying, “Usually I have to waste expensive drugs to get patients naked in my chair, and this guy just runs off. What a bummer.”

 

 

Rising Sun MD- Police arrested a man on Saturday for driving without his pants. After pulling over Jonathan Shultz just outside of Rising Sun Maryland an officer quickly realized that the man had his gearshift fully exposed. The officer also smelled alcohol and vaseline on the man. Police originally stopped Mr. Freebird for doing 69 mph and making the entire police report as pornographic as humanly possible.

 

 

The 41 year old (is every perv 41?) was previously driving an Escort really hard and rough, but was now operating a Jeep Commando. It is unknown whether Mr. Shultz is any relation to Peanuts creator Charles Shultz. Although the man did strongly resemble a grown up and strung out Charlie Brown.

 

It is still unclear whether anybody but me appreciates the irony of a man being stopped in Rising Sun, going 69 while naked. But the next time you see a dude staring at you while stopped at a red light, try not to think about what he is shifting.

 

 

In surprisingly fully clothed news, we have two stories that fall into our all new ‘No Fucking Shit’ section!

 

 

Washington DC- Former vice president Dick Cheney was accused of keeping a top secret CIA program under wraps from everyone but his own personal army of the undead. Seven full years after the inception of the black ops program, only 4 people know what the now defunct program entailed. Everyone involved keeps winding up in hunting accidents or drugged to the point of mispronouncing ‘nuclear’ even with their finger poised on the trigger. Speculation abounds that the motive behind the mission was to rid the world of bigotry, fear-mongering, and genital warts. The flip in public opinion on Cheney occurred last week after the revelation that his man-sized safe contained Care-Bears and friendship beads.

 

 

Ocean County NJ- America’s most lovable fuck up Artie Lang was arrested on suspicion of DUI after getting in a minor accident on Friday night. Police expressed outright shock at not finding any cocaine, cheeseburgers, or deceased prostitutes in the vehicle.

 

 

The Howard Stern sidekick was released from jail pending the outcome of the court case and repayment of a $30,000 dept incurred in the jail during ‘Poker Night.”