Zodi’s Blog

A mostly naked weekend wrap up

Mallorca Spain– A drunken British man (is there any other kind?) was apparently arrested for being too generous. After disembarking from his plane and stumbling into the main terminal, a 59 year old unidentified Manchester England resident began acting strangely. He took off his shirt, began laughing hysterically, and proceeded to hand out large wads of cash and travelers checks to delighted passing strangers. Airport security responded when alerted that there was a shirtless man causing a disturbance. Witnesses claimed that the man was heavily intoxicated, had a tramp like appearance, and a very disagreeable smell. After ascertaining that the money was real, officials became concerned, and I quote, “that it was a member of the Rolling Stones, again. This happens every month lately, they just can’t hold their booze, heroin, and barbiturates like they used too. Sigh.”

 

After finding that he was not a Stone, police found that the man had in fact just received a large inheritance and was really, really, really, ridiculously bad with money. Much to the chagrin of the citizens of Mallorca, officials gently coaxed the man to get back on a flight to the UK. Even the usually silent Mallorca Chamber of Commerce chimed in with, “What the hell was that, are they retarded? Daddy needs a new pair of shoes!”

 

Meanwhile there is a red-carpet reception awaiting the man at Manchester airport. Nigerian investment bankers, Ponzi scheme hopefuls, Mike Tyson, and a plethora of crack whores are waiting expectantly.

 

He had already handed out $73,000.

 

Stratford Connecticut- A 41 year old man has been arrested on charges of public indecency and disorderly conduct, after showing up at his dental appointment 5 days late and buck ass naked. Police say that Christopher Hoff came stumbling into Optimus Dental on Monday singing ‘3 Strange Days’ and completely exposed. After the receptionist saw him and screamed, he ran away leaving nothing but the disquieting sound of junk slapping thigh. “I can still hear it when I close my eyes.” The receptionist told disgusted reporters.

 

Police later found him in his Stratford home, claiming to have blacked out from Ambien and Colgate mouthwash. After police took him back to the dental office, the receptionist was able to identify him by his crocked, uneven, and slightly discolored testicles.  He was then brought to jail.

 

He picked up another charge during the booking process for ‘failure to comply with fingerprinting.’ Hoff ironically claimed that it was an invasion of privacy.

 

The dentist was also upset, saying, “Usually I have to waste expensive drugs to get patients naked in my chair, and this guy just runs off. What a bummer.”

 

 

Rising Sun MD- Police arrested a man on Saturday for driving without his pants. After pulling over Jonathan Shultz just outside of Rising Sun Maryland an officer quickly realized that the man had his gearshift fully exposed. The officer also smelled alcohol and vaseline on the man. Police originally stopped Mr. Freebird for doing 69 mph and making the entire police report as pornographic as humanly possible.

 

 

The 41 year old (is every perv 41?) was previously driving an Escort really hard and rough, but was now operating a Jeep Commando. It is unknown whether Mr. Shultz is any relation to Peanuts creator Charles Shultz. Although the man did strongly resemble a grown up and strung out Charlie Brown.

 

It is still unclear whether anybody but me appreciates the irony of a man being stopped in Rising Sun, going 69 while naked. But the next time you see a dude staring at you while stopped at a red light, try not to think about what he is shifting.

 

 

In surprisingly fully clothed news, we have two stories that fall into our all new ‘No Fucking Shit’ section!

 

 

Washington DC- Former vice president Dick Cheney was accused of keeping a top secret CIA program under wraps from everyone but his own personal army of the undead. Seven full years after the inception of the black ops program, only 4 people know what the now defunct program entailed. Everyone involved keeps winding up in hunting accidents or drugged to the point of mispronouncing ‘nuclear’ even with their finger poised on the trigger. Speculation abounds that the motive behind the mission was to rid the world of bigotry, fear-mongering, and genital warts. The flip in public opinion on Cheney occurred last week after the revelation that his man-sized safe contained Care-Bears and friendship beads.

 

 

Ocean County NJ- America’s most lovable fuck up Artie Lang was arrested on suspicion of DUI after getting in a minor accident on Friday night. Police expressed outright shock at not finding any cocaine, cheeseburgers, or deceased prostitutes in the vehicle.

 

artie

 

The Howard Stern sidekick was released from jail pending the outcome of the court case and repayment of a $30,000 dept incurred in the jail during ‘Poker Night.”

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July 13, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

14 Comments »

  1. (sings) “And I think to myself, what a wonderful world…”

    Comment by alantru | July 13, 2009 | Reply

    • That would be the perfect soundtrack to this post. Like when John Woo brilliantly used it during the shootout in Faceoff!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 14, 2009 | Reply

  2. Nut slapping, Vaseline, and gear shifts. OH my!!

    Comment by candice | July 13, 2009 | Reply

    • What else would you expect from a weekend wrap up? IS there any other kind of news?

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 14, 2009 | Reply

  3. Without you I’d never know anything. You’re like… worldly.

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | July 14, 2009 | Reply

    • Uh oh, the bible clearly tells us that is a sin. I may have to change tact on Mondays. Ooh, you gave me an idea! Weekly World News weekend wrap up?? Will it work?

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 14, 2009 | Reply

      • I give up… will it? Put me down for 20 that it doesn’t and 40 that it does.

        Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | July 15, 2009 | Reply

  4. You may be the Woodward and Bernstein of 41 year old men who like to freeball. We all need a niche, right?? Funny shit, Scott.

    MORE PHOTOS OF SPAIN PLEASE!!!

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | July 14, 2009 | Reply

    • We all need a niche, but hopefully this is not mine. I’m not thrilled to think of who my very own ‘deep throat’ would be.

      I’ll post a few tomorrow!
      Thanks!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 14, 2009 | Reply

  5. don’t all men have crocked testicles?

    Comment by nursemyra | July 14, 2009 | Reply

    • Not with today’s advances in testistry. For the right price a man can have his balls aligned, straightened, whitened and polished. Bridges and out-plants are also available for a little bit more.
      I’d say that testistry is a must for any professional nudist today!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 14, 2009 | Reply

  6. When I was a teenager, I worked the weekend late shift of a fast food restaurant. There were only about 4 of us staffing the restaurant and I worked the drive through. A guy ordered a meal and a soda and when he got to my window, he had no pants on and sported an erection.

    I went to hand him his soda and squeezed it just hard enough to pop the lid off and spill the entire cup of ice and soda into his lap. I dropped the bag of hot burgers on top of that and slammed my drive through window. Ooops. Clumsy me.

    He peeled out before I could even gather the crew members to gawk at him.

    Comment by Claire Collins | July 17, 2009 | Reply

    • Was he 41? Did he obtain an erection after seeing who was taking is order? Did his erection last more than 4 hours? I had thought naked motorists preferred the PA turnpike until this recent explosion of bareassedness.

      I’ve seen a couple myself. Why don’t I ever meet the guys giving away hordes of cash! I have to work on my timing!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 17, 2009 | Reply

      • I didn’t ask his age before I doused him with cold soda and hot burgers.

        Unless he was circling the drive through or stalking me, he didn’t see me until after he obtained the erection.

        Not unless he had the erection for 4 hours before he got to my window. Because he had no erection when he left my window. I doused it.

        Bareassedness is a fabulous word.

        You notice that women don’t go driving around naked right> It’s always men.

        Comment by Claire Collins | July 17, 2009 | Reply


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