Zodi’s Blog

This is the Future?

My wife and I had a long argument last night about the existence of hovercrafts. I was positive that she was taking the piss out of me. I could have ended it (and lost) with a 3 second google search but why take the painless route; I’d much rather look like an idiot for hours.  So after caving in and checking, I found that they do in fact exist, and have for a long, long time. How do I miss this stuff?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               hovercraft%20rc%20400

This all got me thinking back to my childhood dreams of the way I thought life would be around 2010. I grew up watching ‘The Jetsons,’ ‘Back to the Future,’ and ‘Star Wars.’ I could so picture myself chillin in that space bar with the green babes and the fat dude. –Where the hell is the space bar? And I tell myself, “this is not my cool space bar, and this is not my hot green babe.” What the hell?

 

If you’re over the age of 30 and think back; didn’t you think civilization would be light years ahead of where it is, for good or for bad? Either a nightmare landscape of murderous machines and Somalian pirates fighting for the last Bud Ice, or an idyllic earthly paradise where we could spend our days making sweet love to Wonder Woman, the ‘Jeannie’, and that girl from Charles in Charge! What happened?

 

What has surprised me the most is the lack of cool inventions. The modern world can stuff its Segway and Kindle right up its ass too. God damn lazy ass scientists. If I could day dream it or see it on TV in 1980 then it should be here by now. I thought at the very least we would have….

 

Sunglasses- that could play TV, movies, do some virtual reality type-o-shit, or even tell you what to do in any given circumstance. They would have a physic feature built in as well. Like the Terminator had, but more practical. They would tell you, “this girl will kiss you if you take her to the movies,” or, “Don’t give this Madoff guy any money.” They could be Dolce, Gabbana, and Warwick’s. I’d gladly pay a couple hundred for those shades. They’d have to come up with a feature so I couldn’t lose them or break them every couple weeks though; in other words, make them even more idiot proof.     

 

 

Watches- that let you time travel. They’d be like the old Casio calculator watches, but you’d punch in the date you wanted to travel to instead of just cheating in math class. I figured I’d go back in time, round up Attila the Hun, Pontius Pilate, Hitler, Roger Staubach, and Mussolini, and personally deliver them to either Batman or Clint Eastwood to take care of my light work. I’d also invest heavily in IBM, Starbucks, and Microsoft, to better finance my growing Swatch collection. I would have been dressed appropriately as well. Assuming I could find enough weapons to fill my 38 zippered pockets.

 

Shoes- that allowed you to run at the speed of light. God knows I’d make my friends time me on their new (soon to become time traveling) stopwatches, as I bolted around the block. I thought shoes would allow me to dunk a basketball and walk on water. Too bad the Air Jordans I kept buying had that disclaimer about not working on white people. Instead some douchbag invents Crocks. Yea, that’s how I imagined the future; walking around listening to fat sweaty people foot farting all day.     

 

Pills- I thought there would be pills for everything that you could imagine. There would be a pill that would provide you with all the nutrition you need in a day so that you only ate for enjoyment. There would be a pill that made you happy all day with no worries or pain.-Oxycontin kind of does that. There would be a pill that allowed you to always stay young and strong.-HGH?  One that would make everyone love each other all the time.-Ecstasy? Well I guess the future did live up to my expectations in the pill department! It’s just staying in supply. *This author does not condone the use of mood or mind altering drugs unless you are willing to share.

 

 

Brain Downloads- I don’t know what name I had for it back then, but it would work just like a download. You’d pay 10 bucks, hook a cassette tape-(of course) into your ears, and 48 minutes later you’d be proficient in whatever you wanted to learn. I would do Spanish first! I’ve lived in Spain for over a year and my ass still needs hooked on phonics. If the world is running on DSL, why do I still have a dial up brain?

Of course for a little more money you could ‘download’ any other course or bit of knowledge you may be interested in. You could learn anything from biological engineering to “a rewarding career in the fast growing, criminal justice system!”  The quantum physicist tape would have to be more expensive since you could then master the whole space/time continuum thing. It would quickly pay for itself though, being able to go back in time and bet on North in the civil war, sign the Beatles, and figure out how to make those damn telepathic sunglasses.

 

And where the hell is my teleporter to take me from Spain back to having a 3-some with Jo and Blair. I wish it would hurry before Tootie wakes up.

 

What did you think there would be by now??

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July 17, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

28 Comments »

  1. I think a lot of those “cool inventions” are out there, just too expensive

    Comment by davis | July 17, 2009 | Reply

    • If you can find me a time travel watch, physic sunglasses, flying shoes, or brain downloads then I’ll make it worth your while!! Let’s just say Tootie is waiting and the braces are off!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 17, 2009 | Reply

  2. Yes, I’m totally let down by where we are today as well.

    sigh.. I really wanted a car that could fly.

    I’m also diggin the brain download idea. I know a few people that could definitely use one.

    Comment by candice | July 17, 2009 | Reply

    • I thought there would be flying cars as well. Or at the very least, you would simply type in an address and it would drive itself, freeing you up to…. er..for other things.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 17, 2009 | Reply

  3. Teleportation. I really thought we’d have it by now. And flying cars, of course. But it could be a good thing that we don’t have those, since the average intelligence of humans has declined significantly over the decades, and can you imagine the chaos of all those bad navigators teleporting and flying?

    The problem might be the pills. Who cares about inventing shit when you’re high on E or Oxycontin?

    You are freaking hilarious. Thank you for my daily dose of, “Glad there’s another mind like mine out there.”

    Comment by barelyknittogether | July 17, 2009 | Reply

    • “Those bad Navigators” as in Lincolns, or as in direction seekers? I’d hate to run into a bad navigator in a bad ass Navigator in the sky. If all those suburban soccer moms drive SUV’s because of penis envy, the sky would then be filled with wanna be cocks.
      Thanks BKT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 18, 2009 | Reply

  4. I’ve always dreamed of the “meal in a pill”. I’m totally onboard for a world of pills.
    Please send one of those remote hovercrafts. I’d be the biggest cock on the farm for sure if I was sportin’ one of those!

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | July 18, 2009 | Reply

    • Psst you already are…

      Comment by Claire Collins | July 18, 2009 | Reply

    • How does Claire know that you have are the biggest cock? I think we should pitch in and buy a hovercraft splitsies.
      My next venture after Lovejuice and reality shows is going to be worldofpills.com! If you sign up today you will receive one xanax for every 10 speedy pills!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 18, 2009 | Reply

  5. Just think of all of the great things we do have, Scott. Like computers… okay, that’s all I got..

    Comment by Claire Collins | July 18, 2009 | Reply

    • AND… I can’t believe you didn’t know there were really hovercrafts or that you argued with your wife over it so long. Okay, maybe I can beleive that last part…

      Comment by Claire Collins | July 18, 2009 | Reply

      • I thought she was ‘taking the piss,’ and as soon as I went on google she would point and laugh. I’ve told you so many times that I am retarded in so many ways.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 18, 2009 | Reply

    • Yea computers are incredible! It’s hard to imagine watching porn or playing poker in any other manner nowadays isn’t it?

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 18, 2009 | Reply

  6. I thought computers would be user-friendly…”What the fuck is Spool 41 error?”

    I also thought that there would fewer assholes??????

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | July 18, 2009 | Reply

    • An asshole eliminator would be the best invention ever! Jail time free, of course. I think that when you see the spool 41 error you are supposed to start punching the wall beside you. It should clear it right up!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 18, 2009 | Reply

  7. If you’re shallow, obese, or merely looking for a quick fuck, I am N-O-T for you. Looking for friends whose company
    can be enjoyed in any setting, including, but not limited to, the bedroom.
    Email me stargazincdesign@gmail.com

    xoxo
    Lisa

    Comment by lisahottietotrot | July 18, 2009 | Reply

  8. Well hello there! I’m not shallow, obese, or looking for a quick fuck. I trust that my herpes and genital warts won’t come between us then? I also seem to have an extra appendage –at least that’s what she said. Ha My company can be enjoyed in a plethora of settings! I’m especially enjoyable incognito, indiscreet, and inutero!
    C-A-L-L M-E!

    Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 18, 2009 | Reply

    • She sounds perfect, though her vagina does smell like spam.

      Comment by fundamentaljelly | July 18, 2009 | Reply

      • Damn, 10 hours into our friend/lover relationship and she’s already cheating on me! I don’t even know what her vagina smells like yet, as she is still enjoying my company in the automatically generated setting.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 19, 2009 | Reply

  9. I had a great comment about futuristic stuff, then I read all the comments above about the spammer and I completely forgot what I was going to say.

    Sorry.

    Comment by Candy | July 19, 2009 | Reply

    • Sorry Candy, this one did get a little out of hand. It was all downhill even before I let the spam girl through. I wish you could think of your futuristic comment! I usually have such good intentions when these things start. Maybe next time…
      Thanks for the comment!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 19, 2009 | Reply

  10. Damned Rooster…

    Plagiarized “Meal in A Pill” from a Penthouse article he read.

    And then…

    Juts like that…

    He’s gone.

    Comment by alantru | July 19, 2009 | Reply

    • Yea but if he’s really gone, think of all the stuff we can now plagiarize off of him! He wrote over 300 posts, that would last us like 3 years?
      -I don’t think he’s gone for real.
      Oh and Penthouse must have plagiarized me, I swear I had that idea in the 3rd grade. They’ve made me so mad I’m going to write them a letter… hang on that’s my doorbell, “No maam I didn’t order an erotic maid serv..”

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 19, 2009 | Reply

  11. Holy Shit!!! Please send me pills! You still have my credit card number right? Just take whatever you want and get those pills here ASAMFP!!!

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | July 20, 2009 | Reply

    • I’m just checking off ASAMFP on the delivery form now sir. Now do you have an empty house or PO Box registered under an alias that I can get these shipped to? If you use your real address the items you requested will come in a discreet brown paper box, however you will then be accepting any and all legal ramifications.
      Your online medical examination was um …interesting. The fully licensed medical Doctor has signed off on everything that you have requested. I sincerely hope that the phetenal patches help to ease the pain of your …exploding gallbladder syndrome.
      Great to see you Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 20, 2009 | Reply

  12. I’m a little concerned… You do know that ASAMFP spelt backwards is SATAN! Oh, hah! wait… No, it’s PFMASA (People Fornicating Mostly As Satanists Already)

    Anyway… As you were…

    Comment by alantru | July 20, 2009 | Reply

    • Ha ha, you’ve reminded me of the church lady! Except that you’ve scared me a little.

      How do you know it doesn’t mean..
      People from Maine are stupid aristocrats
      Pets for men as slaved animals
      Philadelphians for masochistic and sexual antics

      Why does everything have to be Satan Satan Satan? OH Shit now I’ve said it 3 times!! I’m going to need you to come over, right away!!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 20, 2009 | Reply


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