Zodi’s Blog

I’m still Lost

lost

 

 

I know that the last episode of Lost aired a few months ago, but since I’m in Spain I just watched the downloaded final last night. Thank God for Pirate Bay or I’d miss everything that’s really important in life! Now that we all know a little more about the island and it’s quirky but lovable inhabitants, I thought I’d share some of my ridiculously implausible theories, both about the show, and how I believe it will end. I know what I would do if I were a television writer; which is precisely why I’m not a television writer.

                                   

 

 

—-That the whole thing will turn out to be a psychotic episode by Steven King, who sees himself as Ben. Eventually through the right combination of psychotropic medication and therapy, King will realize that this was all just a deep seated desire to escape an alcohol-less reality. He will have kept a daily journal of the events that took place in nothing but his mind. During the last scene, you will see him exit his therapist’s office, walk down the street, and toss the journal into a garbage can. The camera will pan out to see that he is right in front of the ABC building in LA. You will then see a desperate looking ABC executive approach the garbage can.

 

      

—-Just before what we see as the first episode, Jack, Hurley, and Sawyer meet in an opium den in Thailand. After passing the pipe around a few times they begin to hallucinate the plot line as we now know it. During the very last show of the series as they are coming down we will see things morph into what they are in reality. We will learn that Charlie was an underage, opiate addicted (a stretch, I know) male prostitute. Kate turned out to be an amazingly talented Thai sex show performer made famous by her ….sharpshooting. Ben was nothing more than the Spongbob cartoon playing in the background. We see Desmond turn into the photo of Jesus on the wall. The smoke monster is pretty obvious in this theory; no analogy needed. Jacob will turn out to be the shadowy crime boss who ran the joint. As the trio stumbles out during the final scene, you will see that the address is 815 Oceanic Drive. 

 

 

—-That the entire show, all five seasons were really just a 100 hour commercial for one of the following: TomTom satellite navigational products, “Never get lost again.” For Continental Airlines, “We’ll get you there… unlike Oceanic.” For the Hawaiian chamber of commerce, “Come have the adventure of a lifetime.” For Ambien, “Do you want to have some crazy ass dreams?” Or for Avis, “We’ll pick you up, wherever you are.”

 

 

—-That the whole thing is in fact a reality show for b-list celebrities. The producers got them to ‘act’ 100% on improve; as if it were all real. Then they threw them all on an island and added a couple polar bears, boars, and a smoke machine. What the actors don’t know is that if someone dies on the show, they’re really dead, like a Freddy Krueger dream. Come on, has anybody seen this guy on a red carpet lately?

 

 He's really dead

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

 

So the show is like a real life Survivor, being played out by actors who think they are acting. Then the show would become especially compelling as Desmond plays the host role and tells them what’s really going on. He explains that only one of them will be ‘Found,’ and that one person will be the winner. I think Desmond will be perfect for that part because I can see a dick-ish gleam in his eyes sometimes. After the stunning revelation, it’ll get really interesting as the shit hits the smoke fan. The winner of the show will receive 1 million dollars and a supporting role in the next ABC made for TV movie!

 

 

—-Another theory is that the money behind the show comes from scientology. The Statue that is now just a foot was originally an idle built to god Xenu. The pollution that has been left upon the human brain from the aliens was magnetically drawn to the island where it collected and then needed to be released. This explains the button pushing. The transition that each character goes through shows either the benefits of engram clearing, or the drawbacks of not giving them money, respectively.

 

The ancestral aliens are actually running the island and judging the characters based on their bank accounts and celebrity status. –Notice how the ‘Party of Five’ dude is still doing ok?

 

Jacob represents L. Ron Hubbard, as both are mysterious, aloof and dead. John Locke represents Tom Cruise as both are arrogant and sexually confused. I believe that another character will emerge next season whom Sawyer will dub ‘Nutless Tom’ for some inexplicable reason. Tom will unite the Aliens and now ‘super’ humans by marrying one of the top alien debutants. This will leave the human race in a perfect state of grace, bliss, and dept to Mr. Hubbard.

    

 

 

—-This one starts at the beginning of the series with Locke in his wheelchair. He is sitting in Whidmore’s office, and starts talking to him, almost hypnotizing him. Locke goes over the whole series of events as we ‘saw’ them, really making Whidmore believe it all. Locke needs more money to keep the island’s darker forces at bay. More money for experiments, etc.. We see Whidmore give Locke a briefcase filled with money, and Locke leave in his wheelchair. In the lobby John exchanges his chair for crutches, and begins walking with a heavy limp.

We see Whidmore looking out of his London office at Big Ben, he then turns and looks at the couch that Locke was sitting on. There is a magazine open to an ad for an upcoming Hurley surf competition in Hawaii. We see Locke walking with a less noticeable limp. Whidmore then looks on his bookshelf and notices an old copy of “The adventures of Tom Sawyer.” He finishes a beer he had been drinking and wistfully looks at the bottle. The label is Jacob’s microbrew. The bottle and Whidmore’s jaw fall at the same time. The bottle shatters.

Locke is now walking with a quick and easy gait. He stops at the corner and gets in a Bentley driven by Jack. They smile at each other and drive off. *This may or may not be the first time this ending was used.

Advertisements

July 24, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

27 Comments »

  1. I am useless here, never watched an episode. In fact, I haven’t watched TV since the Sopranos ended, wait I have watched the Knife Show a couple of times.

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | July 24, 2009 | Reply

    • I was with you on the Sopranos thing. Then after we moved here we had nothing, I mean not even news. So we started looking for stuff to download and came up with Heroes, Lost, and a bunch of reality. Other than The Daily Show that is seriously it. I do very much recommend Lost, I think you’ll really like it.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 24, 2009 | Reply

  2. I never made it past the third season. Not even the sexy grumpy dude could keep me interested.

    I think I was annoyed that the fat dude stayed fat while being stranded on an island. I’m all about being realistic. 😉

    Comment by candice | July 24, 2009 | Reply

    • Yea that is annoying, it bothers me too. I know you can have metabolism issues but WTF? Plus they do have all the food they want now, not just boar. Still I haven’t exactly seen a McDonalds or Pizza Hut around, and isn’t it that shit that keeps people fat? At least his adult daughter wasn’t with him in the ER, staring at his junk!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 24, 2009 | Reply

  3. Great ideas!!! I cannot wait for the next and final season!

    Comment by Kelly | July 24, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks for stopping by Kelly! If you like my ideas maybe you could put in a good word for me with the networks! They still haven’t bit on my reality show ideas.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 24, 2009 | Reply

  4. You’re in Spain????

    I’m at the Clearwater airport….

    My God, you really are an evil supergenius!

    Comment by alantru | July 24, 2009 | Reply

    • Bwah ha ha ha ha ha. No, no, it’s all good; my friends are picking you up any minute now. Just go into the Captains room, sit at the bar, tell the bartender you would like to share a slow comfortable screw with someone nice. She will look at you and say, “Do I have ‘fuck me’ written on my forehead?” Then you just wait for a portly middle aged woman and a tall quirky white man is who also a pilot. John and Kirsty are going to fly you to our compound condo. I’ll be there tomorrow as things begin to really get interesting!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 24, 2009 | Reply

      • I don’t know what’s funnier, Alan at the clearwater airport or Scott sending him to a bar for a slow comfortable screw.

        Ah screw it. I’m lost.

        Comment by Claire Collins | July 25, 2009 | Reply

  5. hmmm….. I didn’t watch Lost either. My addictions have been Deadwood and Firefly

    Comment by nursemyra | July 24, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks for reminding me about Deadwood, that’s another one I’ll start downloading.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 25, 2009 | Reply

  6. Okay! Looking forward to seeing you. I’ve just met two very nice pople who have asked me to take their test.

    Sure hope I pass!

    Comment by alantru | July 24, 2009 | Reply

    • Oh, you’ll pass alright. Just don’t sign anything or leave with them. There are too many sects in Clearwater; it’s like polar bears fighting over the last salmon.
      Thanks for letting me borrow Nutless Tom!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 25, 2009 | Reply

  7. Where are you?

    I’ve been indoctrinated and have decided to use my lack of journalism to write a probing (hah!) indictment about my “adventures”

    EXCLUSIVE: GETTING INSIDE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY

    Going undercover inside the nutty, kooky, jiggy, wiggy, creepy, eerie, freakishly oddball, off-beat, off-the-wall, spaced-out-world of Tom Cruise’s church.

    Exclusive By Alan Truitt

    It’s the cult of money or “belief system” which canned ham and one-note actor Tommy Cruiser says has changed his life and made him a silver-headed immortal God.

    But the controversial joke that is Scientology was criticized last week after claims that its evil zombie drones were preying on workers at Hamish Industries. Oh, the humanity!

    Packs of dead-eyed, yellow-shirted, jack-booted, believers with vacant smiles arrived at the building offering “spiritual healing” as well as pricey booklets titled How To Improve Conditions In Life Simply By Being Like Us! And If You Join Us You Might Meet Tom Cruise!

    And yesterday 200 “voluntold sinister ministers” were sent into the building and ordered to physically drag the workers out. Mary Margaret is reported to have cried…

    But what exactly is Scientology? A vile, manipulative cult that claims life on Earth was created by aliens 75 million years ago? Well, yes!

    To find out more about these nut jobs, I enrolled as one. (After I was abandoned in Clearwater by a friend who shall remain nameless.)

    Getting a partial lobotomy and giving away all my worldly goods garnered me their trust and a cool white robe. What I discovered was, of course, disturbing and pathetic and demonstrates how these risible sleaze balls prey on the insecure and vulnerable to boost its growing ranks of misguided kooks.

    Tomorrow: The Indoctrination… And then Cocktails and Brainwashing!

    Comment by alantru | July 25, 2009 | Reply

    • As a scientology ‘outsider’ I have some fair and balanced questions for you.

      It’s time to play hardball! Lets see if the church can stand up to these hard hitting questions!
      1)- Scientology seems like such an enlightened and wonderful religion filled with prosperous and beautiful people who make life so much more interesting and wonderful. Is it?

      2)-Is Mr. Cruise as good looking, charming, intelligent, and humble in person as he comes across on camera? Is he a silver haired God? –think carefully before answering, we can get you thrown off of Wikipedia you know.

      3)-Now that your life condition has been inproved and your spiritual healing begun, how do you feel about scientology?

      4)- Can you now see how your friend was just looking after your thetons? Have you named your friend as a beneficiary for when you turn against the church for if anything tragic should befall your physical body? Poor, poor Mr’s. Carradine and Jackson! I’m just saying!

      5)- How much would you like to thank your beloved brother in Xenu??

      I can’t wait until tomorrow’s report showing your improved mental condition!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 26, 2009 | Reply

  8. I lost interest right after they opened “The Hatch”. I was deeply fascinated with it up until that point, and was disappointed by how the plotline seemed to disintegrate.

    Oh well. Can’t have everything right?

    Comment by uninvoked | July 26, 2009 | Reply

    • Uninvoked, thanks for stopping by! Well hopefully if they hire me as a writer I can grab your attention again! The plotline was written in disappearing ink, that’s why it disintegrated. But Locke will find the magic potion (along with X-ray glasses) in the hatch, next season.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 26, 2009 | Reply

      • Hmm. I’m not sure even the best writer can grab my attention again regarding that show. I was disappointed in the, “You just spilled ink on my gucci bag” sort of way. Not the, “Well it was good, but now its boring so I’ll stop watching it way.”

        I don’t much care for big let downs >_>

        Comment by uninvoked | July 26, 2009 | Reply

  9. Damn, “You just spilled ink on my Gucci bag” sounds more like, “now I’m going to stab you in the face with a hot soldering iron!” pissed off, even dare I say irate, than just disappointed!
    Surely we can work out some kind of compromise! Think on it! What do you want me to do with the hatch?

    Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 26, 2009 | Reply

    • Well…okay. When they go in the hatch they find some decent weapons. The next time one of the “Others” start herding them around randomly capping my favorite characters, kill them.

      It’s kind of stupid to leave your enemies alive on an island with no way off. -.-

      Comment by uninvoked | July 27, 2009 | Reply

      • I agree completely. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’m gonna call a couple hard, pipe hittin brothers, who’ll go to work on the others with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. I’m gonna get medieval on their ass. As for me and you, there is still a me and you. I hope you stop back sometime!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 27, 2009 | Reply

  10. I came for the post and stayed for the comments. Okay, okay, I didn’t even read the post. I’ve never watched Lost and really don’t want to. Isn’t it some sort of mysticism scientology b.s.? Anyway, I only watch three shows currently, and even with TIVO I hardly have time for them.

    But you said I never visited anymore, like you miss me or something, and I wanted you to know that I do visit. I come when you are sleeping, I drink your beer and the town’s hooch, and I swim in your pool. But that smell isn’t me. It’s some homeless ex-pat guy from West Virginia that’s been sleeping in your barren hills there. He tried to hit on me but the whole thing was too “Leaving Cadiar” for me, so I left him in a drunken puddle on the astroturf. If you’re up late one night, you know where to find me. I’m a water person, too.

    Oh, and uh…hi, Alan.

    Comment by barelyknittogether | July 27, 2009 | Reply

    • Damn woman, you still gotta read the post, it’s funny even if you don’t watch the show. I put something in it for everyone. An opium den, a love triangle, Steven King, scientology, The Usual Suspects, what more could you ask for in a post?

      Second, I do miss you, you’ve gone all uni-bomber on me. I only see you when you’re blowing shit up. I’ve long suspected that someone was drinking my pool, swimming in my beer, and leaving my las vegas; and it was you! Egad! What’s with the “Hi Alan?” Am I now supposed to be a mediator in your own cursed love triangle?

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 27, 2009 | Reply

      • Alright, alright. I’ll read the post. I just didn’t have much time last night and felt like running my mouth anyway.

        About the Unabomber thing, it’s worse than you think. I think old Ted is a fine philosopher and spot-on with his assessments. Of course, I don’t think mailing bombs to people did or would do any good, so what’s the point? And also, I don’t want to kill people. It’s too late. The only thing that could save us now would be widespread destruction of industrial infrastucture. Then we could all make our own wine in gasoline cans and hang out, just like the olden days.

        Sorry. I’m sure now you’ll be on a list with me somewhere, and not the good kind. See you in a secret CIA prison, friend.

        Comment by barelyknittogether | July 27, 2009 | Reply

  11. What is ‘Lost’?

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | July 27, 2009 | Reply

    • You know when you’re tipping back in your chair and lose concentration, and start to fall back, and it gives you a minor heart attack, but you stop yourself at the last possible second? I feel like that all the time. –SW
      Oh, Lost is an acronym for Losing our Sexual Tension. It’s the hottest new craze in pop psychiatry. Dr. Phil came up with it. The secret is daily masturbation.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 27, 2009 | Reply

  12. BKT- You can run your mouth anytime you like over here! Widespread destruction, great goggily mogily, you’re an anarchist!! I know the first 3 rules of fight club already so I’m ready to join your club! Can I? I love to sip gasoline out of wine jugs and wine out of gasoline jugs, mix things up a little! It makes you appreciative!

    I’m already on a list, I mentioned terrorists and have been out of the country for a year and a half. They can’t touch me because I know who really killed Kennedy! No rendition for me! Do you want me to warn them to get off your back as well?

    Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 27, 2009 | Reply


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: