Zodi’s Blog

If greeting cards were honest

I’ve been wanting to do a greeting card blog for a while now. I stole the idea off of one of my life’s great heroes, – Rat from Pearls Before Swine. What does that say about me as a person that one of my life’s heroes is an unemployed, cynical, alcoholic, made-up rat! These are the questions I ask myself as I am laughing myself to sleep every night. I was also beaten to the punch by newly discovered sculpting phenom bschooled.  She is to paper crafts what Andrew Lloyd Webber is to architecture!! Anyway if greeting cards really told the truth………………




Happy New Years! Can we please let that one acquaintance be forgotten? I only slept with her once.


Happy New Years! Because what happened in 2009, stays in 2009!


Happy New Years! Where am I and WTF happened last night!* 


Happy New Years! Sorry I dropped $200 on an 8-ball and/or Pitt in the Sun Bowl.


Happy New Years! Because resolutions are meant to be smoked, drank, gambled, spent, ate, snorted, and speedballed! 



Merry Christmas! Because it’s just so 3rd century to say, ‘Happy Roman Winter Solstice.’


Merry Christmas! Because you are just the type to be offended by Seasons Greetings.


Merry Christmas! You better have gotten me the Wii!


Merry Christmas! Hopefully this card will get me a $50 back.


Merry Christmas! Don’t expect a phone call too.



Seasons Greetings! Because I don’t even know you well enough to venture a guess!


Seasons Greeting! This is from your dentist but you are probably such an egotistical prick that you will hang it on your wall anyway.


Seasons Greetings! What the hell does that even mean anyway? Winter’s hellos? How lame is that?


Seasons Greetings! Please buy my goods and/or use my services this upcoming year.



Happy Kwanzaa! Because fruit is a hell of a lot cheaper!


Happy Kwanzaa! We don’t really know what it means either.


Happy Kwanzaa! Shed some of that white guilt!


Happy Kwanzaa! We’re reaching a little, but show some love!



Happy Hanukah! What, you expected money? We’re Jewish!


Happy Hanukah! 8 days, one card. That’s it you shmuck.


Happy Hanukah! The other white holiday.



Happy Graduation! None of us can believe it!


Happy Graduation! Now please get the hell out of my house.


Happy Graduation! 4 years ago you couldn’t spell college graduate, now you is one!




*Where am I and WTF happened last night is the intellectual property of bschooled.  So Thanks again, I love you!

 Join us on Monday for the thrilling conclusion of greeting card mayhem! Have a great weekend! – I meant that. Sincerely.

August 7, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | 52 Comments