Zodi’s Blog

If greeting cards were honest

I’ve been wanting to do a greeting card blog for a while now. I stole the idea off of one of my life’s great heroes, – Rat from Pearls Before Swine. What does that say about me as a person that one of my life’s heroes is an unemployed, cynical, alcoholic, made-up rat! These are the questions I ask myself as I am laughing myself to sleep every night. I was also beaten to the punch by newly discovered sculpting phenom bschooled.  She is to paper crafts what Andrew Lloyd Webber is to architecture!! Anyway if greeting cards really told the truth………………

  

 

 

Happy New Years! Can we please let that one acquaintance be forgotten? I only slept with her once.

 

Happy New Years! Because what happened in 2009, stays in 2009!

 

Happy New Years! Where am I and WTF happened last night!* 

 

Happy New Years! Sorry I dropped $200 on an 8-ball and/or Pitt in the Sun Bowl.

 

Happy New Years! Because resolutions are meant to be smoked, drank, gambled, spent, ate, snorted, and speedballed! 

 

 

Merry Christmas! Because it’s just so 3rd century to say, ‘Happy Roman Winter Solstice.’

 

Merry Christmas! Because you are just the type to be offended by Seasons Greetings.

 

Merry Christmas! You better have gotten me the Wii!

 

Merry Christmas! Hopefully this card will get me a $50 back.

 

Merry Christmas! Don’t expect a phone call too.

   

 

Seasons Greetings! Because I don’t even know you well enough to venture a guess!

 

Seasons Greeting! This is from your dentist but you are probably such an egotistical prick that you will hang it on your wall anyway.

 

Seasons Greetings! What the hell does that even mean anyway? Winter’s hellos? How lame is that?

 

Seasons Greetings! Please buy my goods and/or use my services this upcoming year.

 

 

Happy Kwanzaa! Because fruit is a hell of a lot cheaper!

 

Happy Kwanzaa! We don’t really know what it means either.

 

Happy Kwanzaa! Shed some of that white guilt!

 

Happy Kwanzaa! We’re reaching a little, but show some love!

 

 

Happy Hanukah! What, you expected money? We’re Jewish!

 

Happy Hanukah! 8 days, one card. That’s it you shmuck.

 

Happy Hanukah! The other white holiday.

 

 

Happy Graduation! None of us can believe it!

 

Happy Graduation! Now please get the hell out of my house.

 

Happy Graduation! 4 years ago you couldn’t spell college graduate, now you is one!

  

 

 

*Where am I and WTF happened last night is the intellectual property of bschooled.  So Thanks again, I love you!

 Join us on Monday for the thrilling conclusion of greeting card mayhem! Have a great weekend! – I meant that. Sincerely.

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August 7, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , ,

52 Comments »

  1. very funny..

    i have seen pretty funny frank cards actually….

    don’t be surprised if some one steals one of yours…

    Comment by shraddha | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  2. I’m thinking of making my own line of honest greeting cards and selling them on Etsy. I’ll make them from used cereal boxes so they’ll be environmentally-friendly and colorful. Want to be one of my writers?

    Comment by barelyknittogether | August 7, 2009 | Reply

    • It would be an honor BKT! It’s really a good idea too because we could get very creative!
      For instance:
      The fifty year weeding anniversary card could be written on a box of ‘Golden Grams’
      The ‘coming out’ card on an old box of ‘Banana Nut Crunch’
      For congratulations you’re expecting…’Life’
      Sorry your baby has Down Syndrome….’Special K’
      The possibilities here are absolutely endless! I’m in!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  3. Do think people want honesty? Like the old greeting “how are you” really calls for an honest answer? (I’m thinking the most honest greeting card would be the one we don’t send, after a couple of holidays they get the idea and it’s cheaper!)

    Comment by Bill Reed | August 7, 2009 | Reply

    • Yes I do think people want cold, hard, wet honesty! It is good for the soul and the completion. Like a nice cool bath in warm piss.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  4. Violets are blue
    Roses are red
    After marrying you
    I’d be better off dead.

    Happy Divorce!

    I thought you’d be
    a willing suitor
    Instead I believe
    You’d be better off
    neutered.

    Congrats on the upcoming child!

    Forget the presents
    Don’t decorate the halls
    The best gift you’ve gotten
    was a set of my balls.

    Merry Christmas, bitch.

    Comment by The Nerd | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  5. No real purpose
    To this card
    Just wanted to say
    Life with you
    is too hard.

    Let’s Divorce.

    My eyes are stinging
    My skin is itching
    Cuz my stupid husband
    Won’t stop bitching.

    Let’s get a drink, girlfriend!

    Comment by The Nerd | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  6. My man’s a jerk
    He won’t go away
    I think I’d be
    happier
    If I turned “gay”.

    Wanna try?

    Comment by The Nerd | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  7. Don’t got no rhythm
    Ain’t got no rhyme
    But that liquor store
    hold up
    Just gave you some time.

    Good luck on your upcoming incarceration. Let’s get together in, say, 10-15?

    Comment by The Nerd | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  8. Just an FYI all — none of those above represent the state of my marriage — I just find the seriousness of the subject to be comical when presented in this type of format.

    Sorry if I offended or worried anyone.

    The Nerd

    Comment by The Nerd | August 7, 2009 | Reply

    • All of your entries have been logged and stolen! Very funny stuff! I don’t think you are capable of offending anyone after my go. Wait until I finish it off on Monday! As long as I offend everyone equally I’m happy!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  9. Oh Scott! I knew I’d made the right decision in asking you to be a partner for our future cash cow! Your cards are brilliant! What’s say you be in charge of the holidays greetings, and I’ll take on the generic thinking of you’s…

    I only have one request–please refrain from the lovejuice while brainstorming. (That stuff tends to make all of the cards sound like a desperate attempt to get laid, and we are way to professional for that)

    I am sooooo excited!!

    Comment by bschooled | August 7, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks bschooled, that really means a lot coming from you! My inspiration, my partner, my friend, my Falling Water on a Technicolor Dreamcoat!
      Your request is simply impossible to follow though. I’m seriously addicted to that stuff. If I don’t have at least one Miley Cryrus Virus every couple hours I get weak and pallid. You can’t just quit that stuff cold turkey. I’ll need to get on Metha-juice for a couple months first. Listen, I promise I’ll quit as soon as things calm down at work! At the very least I’ll make it my New Year’s resolution!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  10. You’re the love of my life
    My heart’s biggest desire
    But when you left me last week
    I set your house all afire.

    Violets are blue
    Roses are red
    I’m sorry to tell you
    Your boyfriend is dead.

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    My only regret is,
    I wish it were you.

    Love and Kisses, the “Ex”

    Comment by The Nerd | August 7, 2009 | Reply

    • Hey Scott, I have an idea..what about “Bad Advertising Slogans” or “Advertising Slogans for Horrible Product Ideas”? Wow, that’s a goldmine of opportunity there!

      The Nerd

      Comment by wordnerd45 | August 7, 2009 | Reply

    • Actually, I meant #10 to be two separate poems..However, after re-reading the three stanzas as a collective unit, I find they tell a pretty good story of love gone wrong.

      The Nerd

      Comment by wordnerd45 | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  11. You’re as refreshing to me
    as a glass of ice water..
    Oh, by the way,
    I’m molesting your daughter.

    Grandpa

    (I just skeeved myself out)

    Comment by The Nerd | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  12. My devotion, my love
    I can no longer hide
    It’s as strong and
    profound
    as a murder-suicide.

    See you soon, The “Ex”

    Comment by The Nerd | August 7, 2009 | Reply

    • Nerd, You have a real talent for the seamier side of life! Your burts of inspiration are starting to scare me! 🙂

      Comment by Bill Reed | August 7, 2009 | Reply

      • I’m as calm as a cucumber…

        Now, where are my meds? I’m about do for a re-up.

        The Nerd

        Comment by wordnerd45 | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  13. Remember my card to my Mother for Mother’s Day?

    “Happy Mother’s Day. Thanks for spittin’ me out of your vagina.

    I was born to do this shit. 😉

    Comment by candice | August 7, 2009 | Reply

    • My God, I forgot! That was brilliance! I saved the really good ones for Monday though! You are with me then? If a few of us teamed up there would be no stopping us! We start with the greeting card business and take over the world!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  14. I’m absolutely in.

    Comment by candice | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  15. I think I should tell you
    tho some say “better not”
    You might have a bad
    case of
    nasty crotch rot.

    Time for your yearly “saddle up”!
    Your gynecologist

    Comment by wordnerd45 | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  16. Like the water that
    flows
    down the falls at
    Niagara
    I just can’t get it up
    without a large dose
    of Viagra.

    Comment by wordnerd45 | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  17. Let’s face it
    we’re old
    all wrinkled
    and gritty
    But this bad
    case of walking farts
    just makes life so shitty.

    Happy Birthday, Fellow Old Fart.

    Comment by wordnerd45 | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  18. (front)

    When I think
    Of all the Love
    That a mother is

    (back)

    Someone else’s face
    Forms in my Mind

    Comment by Bill Reed | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  19. (Front)

    Thinking of you,
    Dear Brother
    On your Birthday

    (Inside)

    I’m thinking I should
    Have killed you
    When I had the chance

    Comment by Bill Reed | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  20. Nothin says
    “I Love My Sister”
    Better than
    a Herpes Simplex blister.

    Happy Birthday, Wifey!

    Comment by wordnerd45 | August 8, 2009 | Reply

  21. (Front)

    Thank you for
    Bringing a little Life
    Into my life

    (Middle(

    I’m pregnant, so
    Are you going to get a job?

    Comment by Bill Reed | August 8, 2009 | Reply

  22. Friendship card: I was going poop and thought of you

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | August 8, 2009 | Reply

    • That is great in more ways than one. There is a double or even triple entendre in there as well!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 8, 2009 | Reply

      • Leave it to FJ to drop the “piece de resistance”…

        Nothing says lovin’ like defecation.

        Comment by bschooled | August 8, 2009 | Reply

  23. Remember…The Masai-Uh Is The Reason for the Season…Happy Kwaanza!!

    Have a loverly weekend funny man. I actually de-lazed myself and linked you. Cheers!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | August 8, 2009 | Reply

    • Damn! Really? I thought the reason for the season was that we receive less energy from the sun during winter, due to the tilt and rotation of the earth in relationship to the sun, resulting in fewer hours of daylight and cooler temperatures. Thanks for the link up!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 8, 2009 | Reply

      • Hey Scott…If you get a minute, email me with your email address. I have a link to a most politically incorrect post that I did which your greeting card installment reminded me of. Cheers!!

        Comment by Matt-Man | August 8, 2009 | Reply

  24. I’m waiting for my ‘Happy Guy Fawkes’ greeting card.

    Comment by Pammy | August 9, 2009 | Reply

    • Hahahaha, I’ll try to come up with a couple just for you to post on Monday! Actually I just came up with 2, but I’ll save them until Monday!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 9, 2009 | Reply

  25. Wow.

    Okay, what can you possibly do to top this on Monday?

    Comment by Claire Collins | August 9, 2009 | Reply

    • I don’t know if Monday will top it. I know a few are a little nastier, I think a few are funnier as well. Don’t forget I have all the little holidays and Valentine’s Day as well!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 9, 2009 | Reply

  26. Why am I suddenly starting to cringe?

    Comment by The Nerd | August 9, 2009 | Reply

    • Yea, I cringed inwardly while writing some of them. But at least I try to offend everyone equally.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 9, 2009 | Reply

  27. Well just keep in mind that I am a semi-Jewish semi-Muslim, lesbian, vegan, environmentalist, card carrying member of PETA and the ACLU, left-winged liberal who believes the government should stay out of religious issues and women’s bodies.

    Global warming is a fallacy!

    Comment by wordnerd45 | August 9, 2009 | Reply

    • Then be afraid, be very afraid!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 9, 2009 | Reply

      • Be afraid of you? I’ve gotten weirder things than you as a prize in my Cracker Jacks!

        Comment by Bill Reed | August 9, 2009 | Reply

  28. Many gems, but “Merry Christmas! Because you are just the type to be offended by Seasons Greetings.” just brilliant!

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | August 10, 2009 | Reply

  29. […] Bill Murray Having already decided to go ahead and make a sizable percentage of my fortune on greeting cards and more of my fortune on even more greeting cards, I sat down and went over some of the […]

    Pingback by Dead Demon Fish and Bill Murray « Zodi’s Blog | June 12, 2010 | Reply

  30. Very funny cards! I would imagine there must be a market. I’m looking for a Christmas card that says to my family. By the way I’m not sending out presents anymore unless I feel like. Merry Christmas. I wonder how that would fly? I’ve brought up the idea of Hey, lets Celebrate this Holiday say once ever 7 or 8 years. Once a year just seem too much. They just look at me with a blank stare. That happens often with my family.

    Comment by starlaschat | June 12, 2010 | Reply


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