If greeting cards were honest
I’ve been wanting to do a greeting card blog for a while now. I stole the idea off of one of my life’s great heroes, – Rat from Pearls Before Swine. What does that say about me as a person that one of my life’s heroes is an unemployed, cynical, alcoholic, made-up rat! These are the questions I ask myself as I am laughing myself to sleep every night. I was also beaten to the punch by newly discovered sculpting phenom bschooled. She is to paper crafts what Andrew Lloyd Webber is to architecture!! Anyway if greeting cards really told the truth………………
Happy New Years! Can we please let that one acquaintance be forgotten? I only slept with her once.
Happy New Years! Because what happened in 2009, stays in 2009!
Happy New Years! Where am I and WTF happened last night!*
Happy New Years! Sorry I dropped $200 on an 8-ball and/or Pitt in the Sun Bowl.
Happy New Years! Because resolutions are meant to be smoked, drank, gambled, spent, ate, snorted, and speedballed!
Merry Christmas! Because it’s just so 3rd century to say, ‘Happy Roman Winter Solstice.’
Merry Christmas! Because you are just the type to be offended by Seasons Greetings.
Merry Christmas! You better have gotten me the Wii!
Merry Christmas! Hopefully this card will get me a $50 back.
Merry Christmas! Don’t expect a phone call too.
Seasons Greetings! Because I don’t even know you well enough to venture a guess!
Seasons Greeting! This is from your dentist but you are probably such an egotistical prick that you will hang it on your wall anyway.
Seasons Greetings! What the hell does that even mean anyway? Winter’s hellos? How lame is that?
Seasons Greetings! Please buy my goods and/or use my services this upcoming year.
Happy Kwanzaa! Because fruit is a hell of a lot cheaper!
Happy Kwanzaa! We don’t really know what it means either.
Happy Kwanzaa! Shed some of that white guilt!
Happy Kwanzaa! We’re reaching a little, but show some love!
Happy Hanukah! What, you expected money? We’re Jewish!
Happy Hanukah! 8 days, one card. That’s it you shmuck.
Happy Hanukah! The other white holiday.
Happy Graduation! None of us can believe it!
Happy Graduation! Now please get the hell out of my house.
Happy Graduation! 4 years ago you couldn’t spell college graduate, now you is one!
*Where am I and WTF happened last night is the intellectual property of bschooled. So Thanks again, I love you!
Join us on Monday for the thrilling conclusion of greeting card mayhem! Have a great weekend! – I meant that. Sincerely.
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Zodi's Blog 
very funny..
i have seen pretty funny frank cards actually….
don’t be surprised if some one steals one of yours…
Who is this Frank and why is he stealing my ideas? That’s ok; imitation is the sincerest form of flattery! I don’t really have the cash to start a new greeting card business anyway, all my assets are tied up in Lovejuice. https://zodiblog.wordpress.com/2009/06/26/lovejuice-needs-a-spokesman/
I’m thinking of making my own line of honest greeting cards and selling them on Etsy. I’ll make them from used cereal boxes so they’ll be environmentally-friendly and colorful. Want to be one of my writers?
It would be an honor BKT! It’s really a good idea too because we could get very creative!
For instance:
The fifty year weeding anniversary card could be written on a box of ‘Golden Grams’
The ‘coming out’ card on an old box of ‘Banana Nut Crunch’
For congratulations you’re expecting…’Life’
Sorry your baby has Down Syndrome….’Special K’
The possibilities here are absolutely endless! I’m in!!
Ha!
Do think people want honesty? Like the old greeting “how are you” really calls for an honest answer? (I’m thinking the most honest greeting card would be the one we don’t send, after a couple of holidays they get the idea and it’s cheaper!)
Yes I do think people want cold, hard, wet honesty! It is good for the soul and the completion. Like a nice cool bath in warm piss.
Violets are blue
Roses are red
After marrying you
I’d be better off dead.
Happy Divorce!
I thought you’d be
a willing suitor
Instead I believe
You’d be better off
neutered.
Congrats on the upcoming child!
Forget the presents
Don’t decorate the halls
The best gift you’ve gotten
was a set of my balls.
Merry Christmas, bitch.
No real purpose
To this card
Just wanted to say
Life with you
is too hard.
Let’s Divorce.
My eyes are stinging
My skin is itching
Cuz my stupid husband
Won’t stop bitching.
Let’s get a drink, girlfriend!
My man’s a jerk
He won’t go away
I think I’d be
happier
If I turned “gay”.
Wanna try?
Don’t got no rhythm
Ain’t got no rhyme
But that liquor store
hold up
Just gave you some time.
Good luck on your upcoming incarceration. Let’s get together in, say, 10-15?
Just an FYI all — none of those above represent the state of my marriage — I just find the seriousness of the subject to be comical when presented in this type of format.
Sorry if I offended or worried anyone.
The Nerd
All of your entries have been logged and stolen! Very funny stuff! I don’t think you are capable of offending anyone after my go. Wait until I finish it off on Monday! As long as I offend everyone equally I’m happy!
Oh Scott! I knew I’d made the right decision in asking you to be a partner for our future cash cow! Your cards are brilliant! What’s say you be in charge of the holidays greetings, and I’ll take on the generic thinking of you’s…
I only have one request–please refrain from the lovejuice while brainstorming. (That stuff tends to make all of the cards sound like a desperate attempt to get laid, and we are way to professional for that)
I am sooooo excited!!
Thanks bschooled, that really means a lot coming from you! My inspiration, my partner, my friend, my Falling Water on a Technicolor Dreamcoat!
Your request is simply impossible to follow though. I’m seriously addicted to that stuff. If I don’t have at least one Miley Cryrus Virus every couple hours I get weak and pallid. You can’t just quit that stuff cold turkey. I’ll need to get on Metha-juice for a couple months first. Listen, I promise I’ll quit as soon as things calm down at work! At the very least I’ll make it my New Year’s resolution!
You’re the love of my life
My heart’s biggest desire
But when you left me last week
I set your house all afire.
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I’m sorry to tell you
Your boyfriend is dead.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My only regret is,
I wish it were you.
Love and Kisses, the “Ex”
Hey Scott, I have an idea..what about “Bad Advertising Slogans” or “Advertising Slogans for Horrible Product Ideas”? Wow, that’s a goldmine of opportunity there!
The Nerd
Actually, I meant #10 to be two separate poems..However, after re-reading the three stanzas as a collective unit, I find they tell a pretty good story of love gone wrong.
The Nerd
You’re as refreshing to me
as a glass of ice water..
Oh, by the way,
I’m molesting your daughter.
Grandpa
(I just skeeved myself out)
My devotion, my love
I can no longer hide
It’s as strong and
profound
as a murder-suicide.
See you soon, The “Ex”
Nerd, You have a real talent for the seamier side of life! Your burts of inspiration are starting to scare me! 🙂
I’m as calm as a cucumber…
Now, where are my meds? I’m about do for a re-up.
The Nerd
Remember my card to my Mother for Mother’s Day?
“Happy Mother’s Day. Thanks for spittin’ me out of your vagina.
I was born to do this shit. 😉
My God, I forgot! That was brilliance! I saved the really good ones for Monday though! You are with me then? If a few of us teamed up there would be no stopping us! We start with the greeting card business and take over the world!
I’m absolutely in.
Then I’ll buy the Absolute!
I think I should tell you
tho some say “better not”
You might have a bad
case of
nasty crotch rot.
Time for your yearly “saddle up”!
Your gynecologist
Like the water that
flows
down the falls at
Niagara
I just can’t get it up
without a large dose
of Viagra.
Let’s face it
we’re old
all wrinkled
and gritty
But this bad
case of walking farts
just makes life so shitty.
Happy Birthday, Fellow Old Fart.
(front)
When I think
Of all the Love
That a mother is
(back)
Someone else’s face
Forms in my Mind
(Front)
Thinking of you,
Dear Brother
On your Birthday
(Inside)
I’m thinking I should
Have killed you
When I had the chance
Nothin says
“I Love My Sister”
Better than
a Herpes Simplex blister.
Happy Birthday, Wifey!
(Front)
Thank you for
Bringing a little Life
Into my life
(Middle(
I’m pregnant, so
Are you going to get a job?
Friendship card: I was going poop and thought of you
That is great in more ways than one. There is a double or even triple entendre in there as well!
Leave it to FJ to drop the “piece de resistance”…
Nothing says lovin’ like defecation.
Remember…The Masai-Uh Is The Reason for the Season…Happy Kwaanza!!
Have a loverly weekend funny man. I actually de-lazed myself and linked you. Cheers!!
Damn! Really? I thought the reason for the season was that we receive less energy from the sun during winter, due to the tilt and rotation of the earth in relationship to the sun, resulting in fewer hours of daylight and cooler temperatures. Thanks for the link up!!
Hey Scott…If you get a minute, email me with your email address. I have a link to a most politically incorrect post that I did which your greeting card installment reminded me of. Cheers!!
I’m waiting for my ‘Happy Guy Fawkes’ greeting card.
Hahahaha, I’ll try to come up with a couple just for you to post on Monday! Actually I just came up with 2, but I’ll save them until Monday!
Wow.
Okay, what can you possibly do to top this on Monday?
I don’t know if Monday will top it. I know a few are a little nastier, I think a few are funnier as well. Don’t forget I have all the little holidays and Valentine’s Day as well!
Nasty? I’m shocked. Ok, not really.
Why am I suddenly starting to cringe?
Yea, I cringed inwardly while writing some of them. But at least I try to offend everyone equally.
Well just keep in mind that I am a semi-Jewish semi-Muslim, lesbian, vegan, environmentalist, card carrying member of PETA and the ACLU, left-winged liberal who believes the government should stay out of religious issues and women’s bodies.
Global warming is a fallacy!
Then be afraid, be very afraid!
Be afraid of you? I’ve gotten weirder things than you as a prize in my Cracker Jacks!
Many gems, but “Merry Christmas! Because you are just the type to be offended by Seasons Greetings.” just brilliant!
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Very funny cards! I would imagine there must be a market. I’m looking for a Christmas card that says to my family. By the way I’m not sending out presents anymore unless I feel like. Merry Christmas. I wonder how that would fly? I’ve brought up the idea of Hey, lets Celebrate this Holiday say once ever 7 or 8 years. Once a year just seem too much. They just look at me with a blank stare. That happens often with my family.