Zodi’s Blog

If greeting cards were II honest

Now for the exciting conclusion to ‘If greeting cards were honest!’ Once again I have to thank my friends Rat and bschooled

 

 

Happy Boxing Day! I hope you got some hot sauce or Mrs. Dash for Christmas; because English food sucks!

 

Happy Boxing Day! I used to think it was about fighting too, until I married a brit. Now, I wish it were about fighting.

 

  

Happy Valentine’s Day! Please, Please, Please have sex with me.

 

Happy Valentine’s Day! I send these to all of my exes because I’m really codependent.

 

Happy Valentines Day! This is just another God damned Hallmark invented holiday to separate me from my money. $4 for a fucking card, $20 for chocolates, $40 for roses, $80 for dinner!! Shit. God Damn it! For what? Nothing. You know I love you anyway, we been married for years, ah … for fucks sake! I love you.

 

Be my Valentine! I sent these to like 30 girls hoping just one will drop the restraining order.

  

 

Happy Easter! Because it’s so 7th century BC to say ‘Happy Ishtar to Tammuz.’

 

Happy Easter! Because Baal’s kid loved rabbits.

 

Happy Easter! Enjoy the ‘Semiramis symbols for fertility’ hunt!

 

Happy Easter! Wait, why do Christians celebrate the resurrection of Christ with purely pagan symbolism? Oh, yea, I forgot all the chocolate!!!

 

  

Happy Guy Fawkes Day! He was only trying to whack a few wasps.

 

Happy Guy Fawkes Day! It would be really ironic if we accidentally burned down our house.

 

Happy Guy Fawkes Day! Talk about Catholic guilt.

 

  

Happy Independence Day! Let’s get drunk and blow shit up!

 

Happy Independence Day! Ask ten random people what they are celebrating, exactly. I dare you! 

 

Happy Independence Day! Because I have a 30 pack of Natural Ice, an eighth of weed and 6 fingers left!

              

 

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! What better way to honor the virtues of solitude and great faith than by puking green beer?

 

Happy St. Patty’s Day! Ask 10 full blooded Irishmen who St. Patrick was and why he is celebrated. I dare you.

 

   

Happy Memorial Day! What better way to honor the sacrifices of service than by getting blind drunk and eating hot dogs?!?!

 

Happy Cinco de Mayo! You’ll wish you were dead tomorrow.

 

Happy Arbor Day! Because we here at Hallmark do have the balls to celebrate trees with cards!

 

Happy Labor Day! Do we really need an excuse anymore?

 

Happy Passover! Because could you imagine the PR nightmare if it were the Egyptians celebrating the death of white babies.

 

Happy Thanksgiving! I’m thankful I can send you this card and not have to sit through another ‘intervention holiday’ like last year.

 

Happy Flag Day! Unless you live in the suburbs and are a fan of those ridiculous flags that proclaim to your sub-division that you like to golf, or sail, or swim, or crochet, because honestly, nobody gives a fuck. So please take those flags down and recycle them for earth day.

 

Happy Earth day! Please just do the stuff that makes sense (like recycling flags) and stop whining.  

 

  

Happy Anniversary! You complete my………….health coverage.

 

Happy Anniversary! Darling, we have made ‘staying together for the kids’ an art form.

 

Happy Anniversary! Because filing single and paying alimony sucks.

 

Happy 1st Anniversary! (paper) Consider yourself served.

 

Happy 5th Anniversary! (wood) After five years, you’ll be lucky if I can manage wood even today.

 

Happy 30th Anniversary! (pearl) We are way too old to even joke about that. I just threw up in my mouth.

 

Happy 50th Anniversary! (gold) Yo, shouldn’t that shit be platinum by now? Damn!

 

 

 

Happy Birthday! You’re over the hill; now just keep going!

 

Happy 21st Birthday! Now you can start ‘Leaving Las Vegas’ just like your dad did.

 

Happy 80th Birthday! You are really starting to eat into my inheritance.

 

Happy 90th Birthday! This is really starting to piss me off.

 

Happy 91st Birthday! Meet Dr. K, he’ll be taking care of you now!

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August 10, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

28 Comments »

  1. Ha. Good stuff, but what does it for me is the Baal reference. How can any post that mentions Baal not be a classic? Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | August 10, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Matt-Man, It amazes me how little people know about the holidays they celebrate. I aim to educate and amuse. Ok, not really; just make fun of and amuse.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 10, 2009 | Reply

  2. “Happy Valentine’s Day! Please, Please, Please have sex with me.”

    I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve fallen for this one. Except the one I get usually says “I see you’re drunk! Have sex with me.”

    And it’s usually not in a card, it’s more of a verbal thing.

    You are definitely talented Scott, I can see myself riding your coat tails this whole way…which is usually the way I prefer to roll…

    Comment by bschooled | August 10, 2009 | Reply

    • I guess whether it’s written, verbal, or even pharmaceutical it all amounts to sex. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen for that either, because I can’t remember. Thanks for your compliments! You won’t just be riding my coattails; we are going to need you for your scary sculpting talents. Because nothing says ‘Please, Please, Please have sex with me’ the way a magic 8-ball crafted sheet of paper does!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 10, 2009 | Reply

      • What about the smiley face?

        It’s like a raging hormone all rolled up into an artistically-crafted ball…

        Comment by bschooled | August 11, 2009 | Reply

        • Oh my God, you are so right! If we put, “Please, Please, Please have sex with me” on one of your smiley faces, it would be an unstoppable force! It would be like Spanish fly on ecstasy. Any man or women would be powerless under its spell! We’ll make millions!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2009 | Reply

  3. Where do you come up with this stuff, its great!
    I think my favorite has to be the Valentine card, “Please, Please, Please, have sex with me”. I believe all men would appreciate this card !

    You too have some “mad talent”!!!!!

    Hugs!

    Comment by Vicki | August 11, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Vicki, I appreciate it. If Hallmark would just drop the restraining order I could advance my career! I guess I’ll just have to make my own breaks!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2009 | Reply

      • Ya, I’ll add your “restraining order” to my prayer list!

        Comment by Vicki | August 12, 2009 | Reply

        • That’s very sweet. Could you mention NBC as well? They are so close to signing one of my reality shows!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2009 | Reply

  4. I have been enjoying the hell out of you on Matt-Man’s blog
    I don’t know why it didn’t register with me that of course you’d have a blog of your own
    I blame the 60s and 70s for most of my brain damage

    There are so many classics but
    Happy Flag Day leading into Happy Earth Day just killed me

    Comment by dianne | August 11, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks for stopping by Dianne!! I’ve never understood why middle class white people feel the need to display their interests publicly. You don’t see the super rich with flags of Ponzi schemes or cooked books. Altho, they would make more interesting flags.

      I know what you mean about the brain damage; I started out as a smart kid, now all it takes is a shiny penny or a piec………………………….

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2009 | Reply

  5. I keep on leaving comments and they keep disappearing! I think I was logged out of WordPress, the bastards. Anyway, I got nothin’. I used it all up in the first comments I left. Merry f***ing labor day.

    Comment by barelyknittogether | August 12, 2009 | Reply

    • BTK…thanks for the good laugh!

      Comment by Vicki | August 12, 2009 | Reply

    • Really? I always seem to have trouble like that with blogger. Merry labor day to you as well! Although if you are one of the 9% who do have to physically labor for a living I don’t think one extra day of is really going to do it. Especially when that one day off consists of drinking copious amounts of alcohol, and doing whatever recreational drugs happen to be laying around. They should have a labor week!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2009 | Reply

  6. Ha Ha..the health coverage note could very well be of good use to me!

    And to talk about starting to piss me off…heh…I can only worry about years of painful practice in exercising restraint:) I will move the bar a little lower please;p

    Comment by The Juicer | August 12, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Juicer! Glad to see you over here! I think the health coverage is a win/win for everyone, I know I’m signing up as soon as they come knocking on my door. I’ve stopped even trying to practice restraint. I can’t anymore!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2009 | Reply

  7. The birthday ones are my favorite. You’re over the hill now just keep going? At what age exactly do we reach that point?

    Comment by Claire Collins | August 12, 2009 | Reply

    • I guess whatever age that you just want that person to leave you alone. It could be 90 or it could be 24. It’s funny though because all of my humor is cynical and dark; but in life, I am actually positive and happy. I just don’t know if it’s possible to be (for me) funny without the dark. Sometimes, but rarely. –Where’d that come from? Sorry, I was just waterboarded.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2009 | Reply

  8. Love those. Many made me laugh out loud. 🙂

    Comment by candice | August 12, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Candice, as long as you spit just a little coffee on your computer I’m happy! Damn, I just realized how early you’re up!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2009 | Reply

  9. Happy King Kamehameha Day! Nothing says parade and BBQ than remembering a guy who slaughtered my relatives.

    Thanks for the Guy Fawkes shout out!

    Comment by Pammy | August 12, 2009 | Reply

    • Wow, I admit that I had to google that one. But now that I have the reference, I can’t wait to use it. Thanks!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2009 | Reply

  10. LOVE the reference to anniversaries being better than filing single and paying alimony. I nearly peed myself Scott!!

    Comment by tammie | August 14, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Tammie! For a minute I thought you started a blog. And it made me happy!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 14, 2009 | Reply

  11. […]  *For more unique card ideas, please visit https://zodiblog.wordpress.com/2009/08/10/if-greeting-cards-were-ii-honest/ […]

    Pingback by B’s Unique Greeting Cards « Just Making Convo… | August 16, 2009 | Reply

  12. What in the hell are all these holidays?!?!? I like the recycling of flags though, funny.

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | August 18, 2009 | Reply

  13. […] make a sizable percentage of my fortune on greeting cards and more of my fortune on even more greeting cards, I sat down and went over some of the numbers. I reached the same conclusion that Hallmark did when […]

    Pingback by Dead Demon Fish and Bill Murray « Zodi’s Blog | June 12, 2010 | Reply


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