Zodi’s Blog

Just be which self?

Batshit Crazier.

 

I was beginning to have doubts about my sanity when I wrote Batshit Crazy. Now though, all doubt is gone; I’m crazier than a syphilitic Al Capone with mercury poisoning, on 14 hits of acid, while stuck in the Divine Comedy. I’ve come to realize that I have hundreds of different personalities. They don’t have their own names and they mostly know of each others existence, which I take to be a good sign, but it’s still pretty bad.

 

I started to really wonder and worry after overhearing a mother tell her daughter, “just be yourself, and everything will work out.” Holy increased Lithium intake Batman, if somebody said that to me, I don’t know what the hell I would do. Who I am at any given moment depends on so many factors and contingencies that when multiplied by the possibilities, must be in the hundreds. I would put Sybil to shame in modern psychology folklore.

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               sybil

 

Maybe the most unusual symptom of my psychosis is how different I am depending on the day of the week. My Tuesday morning self and my Friday afternoon self would not talk to each other if left alone together in an empty room. The only thing those two would have in common would be a mutual hatred of my Saturday night self. But that self wouldn’t care because he rarely remembers anything after uttering phrases like, “Hey lets do tequila body shots off of big Sally!”

 

It’s not just days of the week that influence who I am either. Some other weird, but for some reason major factors include caffeine intake, whether I’m tired and hungry or sated and energetic, the last time I had sex, the last time I had sex with another person, how close I am to a vacation, even whether the dog rolled around and made me laugh, or shat on the floor and made me frown.

 

My multiple personalities can be observed when I meet someone new or when I’m with an old friend. It’s weird because if I was on a first date, I wouldn’t make jokes about the time I snorted blow off a stripper’s ass in Vegas. It was an entirely different personality that did that to begin with. But then after a week or two of knowing someone I seem to shift into more of a relaxed, even a fart friendly persona. Come to think of it; all the women in my life must have known how nuts I am because they’ve all mentioned that ‘I’ve changed’ at some point. Then again though, they did too; nobody forgot to check the toilet paper supply before dropping a deuce during the first week. Did they? They must have all been as Britney as me.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         britney_bald300

 

I have different persona’s come out when I’m around strangers as well. I slip into a certain character when I’m pitching something to someone, or meeting potential in-laws for the first time. But I am completely different person if I meet someone at a football game or in a bar fight. It’s like I don’t even know who I’ll find looking back at me in the mirror sometimes.

 

Lately I’ve noticed that the rate of my decline into dementia is accelerating. Any little thing will drive the previous personality back into the shadows and bring a new one forth. I can change on a dime. I can change just from finding a dime. For instance, right before having sex I’m really excitable, alert, horny, I even have an elevated heart rate and blood pressure. Then as soon as I’m done…BAM, I’m lazy and mellow. When I quit smoking, most of the me’s wanted to quit but a few didn’t. A few me’s still thought they were the cool rebel who would walk a mile for a camel. Then I’m arguing with me. One time I had to repudiate myself for taking me to Atlantic City while drunk. At other times if I’m sentimental, even a song can change me.

 

Now, I’m lost when it comes to important decisions. Are we going to move back to the US in October? Holy Jim Jones, what voice should I let decide that one? I’m worried that I’ll start bringing out the wrong persona at the wrong time. What if I bring the “Hey let’s do tequila shots off of big Sally!” to meet the in-laws? What if I bring the ‘middle of a Steeler game’ me to a meditation class? I’ll get myself hurt if I bring my just after sex self to my next UFC cage fight. 

 

I’m thinking of going to psychiatrist but after I tell her that I’m nervous, she’ll tell me “just be yourself,” and then inevitably I’ll snort blow off of her ass. See my problem?

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August 14, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

58 Comments »

  1. My personality depends on the time of day — early afternoon is the worst, right before bed is the best

    Comment by Davis | August 14, 2009 | Reply

    • I’d better keep my Tuesday morning away from your early afternoon then. We don’t want no trouble!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 14, 2009 | Reply

  2. Thank you for this, Scott. Your post made me realize that I’m not as out of touch with reality as my Boss, co-workers, and everyone in my immediate (and distant) social circle believes me to be.

    I could learn a lot from you, especially re: “not making jokes about the time I snorted blow off a stripper’s ass in Vegas” …although to be fair, it wasn’t so much a first date as it was a job interview (not the job I have now, btw).

    Not only are you a talented writer, you have a gift… the kind of gift that you just can’t get from having unprotected sex from some two-bit Vegas Showgirl.

    In fact, not only are you the change I want to see in the world, I have a strong feeling that you are exactly what Willis was talkin ‘bout.

    Holy Jim Jones indeed.

    Comment by bschooled | August 14, 2009 | Reply

    • FTW! Holy shit, that girl is good.

      Comment by barelyknittogether | August 14, 2009 | Reply

      • Stats:

        Bschooled-1
        BKT- 1,574,678

        Comment by bschooled | August 14, 2009 | Reply

    • So Willis, Kate and Peggy were all talkin bout me? Damn, I’m more paranoid than ever, and I didn’t even hit Willis’s pipe!

      What a great comment; you made me smile in two personalities, laugh in four, and giggle like a school girl in one. Snorting blow off of a stripper’s ass would actually be a great conversation piece if you were applying for some jobs, like mafia capo, ‘Bad Lieutenant,’ NFL agent, band manager, or United States Senator. I guess it just depends.

      Since there are not many gifts that one cannot get from having unprotected sex with a two bit Vegas stripper, I’ll take that as one hell of a compliment. (As soon as I realized she actually had 3 bits I was outta there anyway!)

      Will you join me for a cuppa cool-aid?

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 14, 2009 | Reply

      • Phew! For a second there I thought you said I made you smile in two places…I was worried that your Portuguese buddy had finally succeeded in mauling you with his pencil, and was now using your blog to troll for foreigners.

        And yes, you should take it as a compliment. I have two cousins who worked in Vegas, and trust me, their gifts are the ones that keep on giving (and not in a good way).

        Cuppa cool-aid fo’ shizzle…make mine extra hip.

        (FYI hip is a limited edition flavour you can only get in my area…tastes kinda like blueberries)

        Comment by bschooled | August 14, 2009 | Reply

        • I admit that you are starting to be one of my favorite commenter’s of all time!

          No, Rodrigo is still on his health kick. He’s out on a 13 mile run. When I told him that I wasn’t coming today he spit on the floor and accused me of being a former president. BTW- I’ve confiscated all pens and pencils until he goes back home, so if you talk to him please don’t bring it up!

          Are you telling me that your cousins work for the penny CD club? Then they keep sending you CD’s but they’re absolute shit. ‘Not in a good way’ indeed!

          Um.. the cool-aid here is actually red wine. Sorry, I should have clarified. Everything is red wine. If you ask for ketchup or salsa at a restaurant here, you get red wine. If you order Pepsi, Coke, Sprite, or even ice-cream you get red wine. It is used as shampoo, windshield washing fluid, and contact cleaning solution. You get the idea. But MDMA is their salt so I could add some of that and it’ll be hip!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 15, 2009 | Reply

      • Scott, It’s not paranoia if everyone is out to get you! 🙂

        Comment by Bill Reed | August 16, 2009 | Reply

  3. I have the same problem with personalities. I carry this guilt around like I’m a faker or something. I’m a mom, but I can be a foul-mouthed floozy. I’m a doula and a party girl. I’m a homebody, anti-social personality who likes to go out dancing. I often think I don’t like myself, but I don’t even know who I’m talking about! I think the problem is the one thing we have in common (besides the mental illness, substance issues and sick senses of humor, I mean): we’re writers. I think that pretty much covers it.

    Comment by barelyknittogether | August 14, 2009 | Reply

    • Don’t ever feel guilty. I could be talking to someone and when they complain I’ll stop them and calmly explain how we all need to stay positive, and then four minutes later bitch about the sun in Spain. I’m an athlete, a hippie, a seeker, a comedian, a fighter, a bitch, a lover, a…. oops, I started going into an Alanis Morissette song. sorry. I totally know what you mean!

      I think you may be on to something with the writers = personality disorders + substance abuse + sick sense of humor theory. I didn’t mention that I was with Steven King and Toni Morrison when we were snorting blow off of a stripper’s ass. It was funny too because we locked James Patterson in the bathroom with a very wired and very horny Carl Hiaasen. Hilarity ensued indeed!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 14, 2009 | Reply

  4. Hey Scott, my 17 year old, bubbly headed cheerleader wants to meet up with your Steeler football player and get her party on. That’s all well and good, but I sense my sandman will have an issue with that — he’s her current boyfriend. They met on line in a chat room after her stepmom (the butch trucker with the tattoo and chain smoking habit) told her “ho” stepdaughter to stop being so ashamed of her “rockin body” and get back to working the pole so “daddy can make bail.”

    Comment by wordnerd45 | August 14, 2009 | Reply

    • I don’t have a Steeler football player, that would be nuts. Haha (sigh) No, only a fan, but I get really rowdy and crazy in the middle of games so people are afraid of me when I’m him. If she wants to meet him then tell her she’ll have to play drinking games. When ever the Steelers have the ball we have to drink for every yard gained. Plus 10 for a first down, 30 for a field goal and 70 for a touchdown. I’ll explain the rest later. I hope she has health insurance!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 15, 2009 | Reply

      • I’m afraid she’s well schooled in drinking. She and her little girlfriends have been having Red Bull and Vodka “rainbow parties” with the high school football team for months now. I discovered this when I found her on line journal (which also clued me into Sandman’s existence — the guy is 23, btw) Not only does she have health insurance, but has probably also picked up an STD or two. Whatever you do, don’t drink from her glass. Why is it the pretty ones always have the most issues?

        Comment by The Nerd | August 15, 2009 | Reply

        • I don’t know, but I have a day of appointments with Miss California, Britney, Lindsay, Nicole Richie, and Megan Fox, so I’ll let you know how that turns out.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 15, 2009 | Reply

          • How did you book all those women? Have you been stocking up on “anti crazy meds” again? Like moths to a flame, they are.

            Give a shout out to Lindsay from Joleen. They spent some time in Joleen’s cab behind Hyde back when it was still all the Hollywood rage. Joleen told me Linds was “definitely straight” until she got a hold of her, wink, wink.

            Comment by The Nerd | August 15, 2009 | Reply

  5. PS: that should be “bisexual” trucker…she just informed me that I have seriously misjudged her and I am “not to label her anymore” or she’ll “cut a bitch.”

    I’m a little afraid now.

    Comment by wordnerd45 | August 14, 2009 | Reply

    • Are you sure that this personality is not Aileen Wuornos? If it is, tell her that I miss her. Ask her how she is enjoying the new work release trucker gig. Oh, also tell her that I was able to move that ‘package’ before they built the new strip mall.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 15, 2009 | Reply

      • No, her name is Joleen, not Aileen. She did meet her once though at a truck stop in Overland Park, Kansas while hauling a herd of cattle to the stockyards in Chicago. They shared some cigarettes, a fifth of Ciroc and some shrooms in room #35 of the local Motel 8. Said Aileen had some serious “man” issues.

        Joleen’s a little slow some times.

        Comment by The Nerd | August 15, 2009 | Reply

        • If Joleen would’ve just shown Aileen some female love, things may have turned out so differently.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 15, 2009 | Reply

          • I shudder to think how that might have gone. Talk about “the sexual death match of the century” complete with strap ons and fur lined handcuffs.

            Comment by The Nerd | August 15, 2009 | Reply

  6. That’s weird, my reply came up as my old name on WordPress, “Vickster”…. Its really me my other personality , Vicki!
    Yikes…what’s going on here… I feel like I’m in a Stephen King novel!

    Comment by vicki | August 15, 2009 | Reply

    • Wow Vicki, your link is not working anymore either! Do you see sparrows everywhere? Is there a black Toronado parked outside your house? You may actually be in a Steven King novel. Start writing hun. Start writing!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 15, 2009 | Reply

      • That’s so weird…I really did write a comment!
        Basically what I said was:

        So what you’re sayin is you have Uncomfortable Disruptive Transient Emotional Turrets!!! Otherwise known as UDTET!

        As far as I can tell you don’t meet the screening differential diagnosis of DID- Dissociative Identity Disorder or MPD- Multiple Personality Disorder… Those syndromes has memory loss associated with the personality changes…clearly, that’s not your issue, since you can recall with clarity the Vegas incident!

        So I think what you need is to work on your confidence , make love to your wife more often and keep writing….
        I’m just sayin….

        Gotta run, the sparrows are gaining on me!

        Comment by Vicki | August 15, 2009 | Reply

        • You may be lucky that you are not in the same room with my wife right now! She would have something to say about encouraging me to have more confidence. She thinks I’m just a touch conceited, arrogant, and cocky. I just think I’m confident!

          Your UDTET sounds really cool, where can I get some? You really need to schedule an appointment with GOF. That would be a cage match I’d feel safe at!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 15, 2009 | Reply

  7. Poor Scott. I see your problem. If you can get the psychiatrist in a position where you can snort blow off her ass, then she’s the one with the problem, not you.

    You will have a problem if your psychiatrist is a man.

    Comment by Claire Collins | August 15, 2009 | Reply

    • Wait, you don’t play naked twister with your psychiatrist? She said it was to release my inner lovechild.

      I would never go to a man. I’ve learned enough off of Tony Soprano to know to get a nice sexual tension as well as psychotherapy for my money!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 15, 2009 | Reply

      • I found the green and blue dots kept talking to me, saying: “Avoid the yellow and red — they are “angry” today”

        Then I slipped in a puddle of Mazola, hit my head and now speak with a Canadian accent and am terrified of jello.

        Thoughts on this?

        Comment by The Nerd | August 15, 2009 | Reply

        • As a friend of mine recently pointed out; take the red pill, do NOT take the blue pill. That’s my only advise.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 15, 2009 | Reply

          • NOT the BLUE pill? Oh shit…damn my color blindness! I swear it looked gray to me.

            Where the hell are all these bats and spiders coming from?

            Comment by The Nerd | August 15, 2009 | Reply

      • I don’t even have a psychiatrist to play naked twister with, I keep my crazy all to myself and then I write about it!

        Besides, I have enough sexual tension the way it is!

        Comment by Claire Collins | August 16, 2009 | Reply

  8. there’s only two of me 😦

    Comment by nursemyra | August 15, 2009 | Reply

  9. Crazy…crazy like a fox Scott. Your Tuesday self should be different from your Friday self because, DAMN, its f**king Friday.

    Crazy is when your Tuesday stool is disturbingly different from your Friday stool and you haven’t washed your hands after a generous and complete exam of said stool and it doesn’t occur to you to do so.

    Crazy is thinking that the phrase “Scott Free” is named after you. Although, Free Oglesby does have a certain cachet.

    You may have a point on one thing, I heard through a mutual friend that you are actually living in Portugal, but being bad in geography is not necessarily a sign of nuttiness.

    I have to go now because my dog just told me to kill Thomas Kinkade and Clive Cussler…I think this dog is crazy.

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | August 15, 2009 | Reply

    • This post must be breaking some kind of record for awesome comments! Although that was not cool to make the slur against foxes. While they do suffer an unfortunately high percentage of rabies, their average mental heath is no worse than any other wild carnivore. They do not enjoy the same opportunities for quality mental health treatment either. I think that at this point stereotyping them is just exacerbating an undue prejudice. I’m glad to get that unpleasantness behind us! BTW- I think the new, politically correct phrase is ‘crazy like a Beck.’

      I have had to check my stool manually from Tuesday through Friday once, but that was just because I owed George Jung a favor. I never forgot to wash though.

      This one time you may have gotten misinformation. I do have a Brazilian friend living with me at the moment who speaks (more like screams) Portuguese. I am the worst at geography though! This one time I thought that I was living on the Gulf Coast in Florida when I was actually living on the Gulf Coast in Saudi Arabia. Boy did I have phyllo on my face!!

      Your dog is freaking crazy man! Why aren’t you going after Robert Williams and James Rollins? Especially Rollins for what he is doing to the genre. All the fact checking nonsense and all!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 15, 2009 | Reply

      • “If revering the crazy-assed psyches of Scott and FJ is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right!”

        -Bschooled,Crazy-Assed Psyche Reverer

        Comment by bschooled | August 16, 2009 | Reply

        • Haha, that may be the coolest title ever!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 16, 2009 | Reply

  10. Hey “phyllo face” (you said it, I didn’t):

    Would it be inappropriate to say “crazy like a Spears in a barbershop” or “crazy like a Lohan on a DJ’s porch”?

    That’s pretty freapin crazy.

    Comment by The Nerd | August 15, 2009 | Reply

  11. Just for the record, we all have mutiples selves. I call it being a social phony! 🙂

    Comment by Bill Reed | August 16, 2009 | Reply

    • For me personally, I’m never phony or fake. I just feel very differently at different times. For instance when drink I love to go socialize and dance. When I don’t drink, I honestly prefer to stay home and chill. Some days I’m very positive and some days I love to complain. But they are all being true to myself. The closest I could say that I come to being fake is when I’m trying to be positive even when I don’t necessarily feel it. I know that if I do that though, I will almost instantly cheer myself up.

      Do you think that you act phony in social situations? Why? If you could be completely honest, what would you say in those instances?

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 16, 2009 | Reply

      • No, I don’t — but I’ve been told that I need to learn to be and not just blurt out whatever comes into my mind. I once was invited to participate in a dinner with certain local politicians and I was told by my therapist, remembering my reports of my last encounter with a politician in which I made him the butt of a joke, that I should just eat and keep my mouth shut. I’ve been told that when I’m drunk, I become “more Bill.” (I guess this is why I get invited to very few parties!)

        Comment by Bill Reed | August 18, 2009 | Reply

  12. I don’t believe I act phony. I believe I do act “reserved” in public. I adjust my behavior to the crowd and circumstance. Is that phony? I don’t know.

    I just know that I am far more twisted and funny than I allow myself to show in public. I don’t think my “true self” would be welcomed with open arms in a variety of situations.

    I was at a pig roast this 4th of July and was having a great time chatting some folks up. After several Mike’s Hard Lemonades, I let my inner comedienne come out from behind the magic curtain. She had some of the crowd in stitches. I rarely allow her outside, unless I’m in a small, comfortable place where I know she can do her routine without being judged too harshly. I would never set out to purposefully embarrass her!

    (You all get to see her occasionally when you read my rants — that’s HER talking)

    Oh, she also snuck out this past Friday when hubby and I went to our local favorite Greek restaurant. There was a belly dancer there and I was all set to shove a dollar in the dancer’s waist when I heard my inner comedienne say out loud “I’ll wait until she loses more of her clothing before I start shoving money down her pants”. She gave me a good giggle, there!

    Comment by The Nerd | August 16, 2009 | Reply

  13. PS: the reason I love to blog and write so often on it is because this IS where my true self is allowed to play, unfettered by the usual BS and PC rules that exist in the real world. If I took half of what I have said here and tried to discuss it with my co-workers, I would get myself into a mess of trouble in a heart beat. That’s why I prefer the anonymity of the internet (strange dichotomy huh?)

    The Nerd

    Comment by The Nerd | August 16, 2009 | Reply

    • Yes, writing can be very cathartic. It’s an awesome way to allow yourself freedom.
      Cheers!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 16, 2009 | Reply

      • Your words betray you, Nerd! When you say my “true self,” you imply that your normal self is untrue, i.e. Phony. 🙂

        Comment by Bill Reed | August 18, 2009 | Reply

        • No, not phony. I call “phony” someone who pretends to be something or someone they aren’t. I don’t pretend to be any one other than an old, shitty woman who has no money and far too many bills, trying to get along in this world.

          LOLOL

          Comment by The Nerd | August 18, 2009 | Reply

  14. I only have to selfs. The Drunk Self and Sober Self. And they freaking hate each other. I do have several imaginary friends and one incredibly hot imaginary girlfriend.

    My imaginary girlfriend, however, does have many different personalities. I think I should do a blog post about all her different personalities. I’ll give you total credit for the inspiration though!

    Came over from Matt-Man’s blog after reading all your witty and insightful comments. You have an awesome blog!

    Comment by Jay | August 16, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks for the compliments Jay, very much appreciated! Our drunk selves and sober selves rarely get along do they? I actually just took a year off of drinking and I’m not sure if I will go back or not. I knew that was the only way I could quit smoking. And it’s been nice, I don’t really miss it, but I do miss the socializing that alcohol affords. So we’ll see.

      Your blog idea sounds like it’ll be funny as hell, can’t wait to check it out! Thanks for stopping by here, come back often!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 16, 2009 | Reply

    • When I was young I had an imaginary friend and my parents liked him better. (I think they thought the imaginary friend, being imaginary,” would be cheaper to feed.

      Comment by Bill Reed | August 18, 2009 | Reply

  15. Hey Jay, saw your comment here. If your drunk self and your sober self got into a fight, who’d win? Would that be the “death match of the century” kinda fight, or just one solid punch followed up with “dude, let’s hug it out”?

    Go for it with the blog post. Embrace your imaginary girlfriend and by god, man, join us all in one collective “freak flag wave”!!!

    The Nerd

    Comment by wordnerd45 | August 16, 2009 | Reply

  16. It’s not PMS… I’m just crazy.

    Comment by Pammy | August 18, 2009 | Reply

    • Are we talking “Glenn Close In Fatal Attraction” Crazy?

      Comment by Bill Reed | August 18, 2009 | Reply

      • Depends on the day of the week and if there’s chocolate in the house or not. My boyfriend is yet to see this side of me… I’m scared for him.

        Comment by Pammy | August 18, 2009 | Reply

    • That’s what I always say. It safely removes all doubt!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 18, 2009 | Reply

  17. When I need to know who I am, I just look at my driver’s license. If that doesn’t work I simply ask the cop who handcuffed me.

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | August 18, 2009 | Reply

    • Yea but those cops lie! One time at band camp, I passed out and somebody (the cops) put a microchip in my brain to read my thoughts and track me.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 18, 2009 | Reply


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