Zodi’s Blog

Meet the Gypsies

 

Happy families are all alike; every Gypsy family is batshit crazy in its own way. We have psychotic, drunken, violent Gypsy neighbors; but hey, doesn’t everyone? They aren’t right next door at least, they’re kept at the rundown end of the village; but they are within spitting, throwing and screaming distance. And they are Olympic quality competitors in all three major events.

 

 This is a rather large single family that lives in one house consisting of a matriarchal great-grandmother who is wheelchair bound, 2 cousins/brothers with 4 sons who are paired up with a combination of 5 different women, all producing 13 offspring (at last count) of multigenerational parentage. If that makes sense? What I’m saying is that everybody (and I mean everybody) has mated and produced children. Jerry Springer and Maury Povich couldn’t sort it out if you gave them a decade and a DNA lab. This is like West Virginia on Viagra.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

 

Treasures

Treasures

 

 

Somehow they have money even though they have never worked. They don’t buy any food; they steal produce and chickens from the farmers and they steal what they can out of the stores. –This is a known and accepted part of village life. They don’t buy clothes or household goods either; they root through the dumpsters and bring home anything they find. What they do buy is cars, drugs and beer. They will spend 5 grand on a Peugeot and then go steal bread and diapers from the supermarcado. When they are caught, the shop owners will kick them out, but give them a loaf of crusty bread for their efforts.

  

Every single day at around 3:00pm after the morning’s alcohol has settled in, they begin screaming at each other in a language that is not Spanish, not Romanian and not coherent. They are usually either making threats about stabbing and hitting each other or are already in the process of stabbing and hitting each other. There is another family that often visits consisting of the same social dynamics and mating rituals as the first family. Every time that the family comes for a visit the town turns into a scene from ‘300;’ if all the actors in ‘300’ had beer bellies, opiate addictions and 3 teeth each.

  

I grew up in a fairly violent neighborhood, but nothing can prepare you for the sudden bloodbaths that erupt around the gypsies. They are always heavily intoxicated, so while it is never a display of MMA finesse, they still do manage to hurt each other quite badly. This weekend was another occasion of the Gypsy family feud. Just imagine if everyone in a trailer park in Kentucky tried to sit around and get drunk and high together. It would produce the same results.

  

Everyday at around 3:00pm we hear a high-pitched banshee-like wailing followed by breaking glass and, I believe, the sound of groin mauling. This time after a few minutes of commotion we also heard a revving engine, running and screaming, and then the sound of metal changing shape. Apparently they were all sitting around their booty of hoarded garbage when one cousin got it into his head that he had been slighted by his brother/uncle/cousin so he did the only logical thing. He walked calmly behind the offending gypsy and slammed a half filled wine bottle down upon his head.  As the brother/uncle/cousin went down in a heap of homemade hooch and blood, the brother/father of the fallen gypsy jumped into the family Peugeot and tried to run over the offending gypsy. He missed. He found an unmovable object in a cement wall.

 

The first gypsy family all had run to the second story of their casa and they all proceeded to rain down upon the second family anything which could be picked up and thrown. Unfortunately, I didn’t get pics of the real carnage because I didn’t feel like getting stabbed. I was talking to an ER worker who told me that 3 of them came in for treatment. One of them had 2 sets of stitches from 2 separate, previous incidents that all took place in the last 10 days. He also told me that they do stab each other on a regular basis. Never fatally,…. YET.  He told me that one single gypsy was treated 13 times in the past 2 years for stab wounds. At least they know the first rule of fight club because they never get arrested. 

 

blog pics 187

in this corner

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

 I’m not done with these people; not by a long shot! I feel like I’m sitting on a gold mine of material here, I just have to figure out what to do with it. I could start a GypsyFights.com modeled after BumFights. I could write a bizarre sitcom around their quirky but loveable behavior. I could launch another hair brained reality show….Real Gypsy Wives of Andalusia? Any other suggestions??

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August 17, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

42 Comments »

  1. OMG! That’s horrible! I can’t even imagine living like that let alone being around it all the time! I would suggest you do the reality show but I’m afraid they would either stab or possibly kill the camera man! My advise you to….”Run Forest, Run”!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Comment by Vicki | August 17, 2009 | Reply

    • It’s way too much of a train wreck to run. I have to watch and to record this for the generations to come. This way they will stand up and say, “Yes because of Scott, we too know the gypsies!”

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2009 | Reply

  2. Ha. You are fortunate. That family IS the mother lode of material. In fact, they may be the Kennedys of the gypsy world. Don’t throw this opportunity to mock go by the wayside. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | August 17, 2009 | Reply

    • No, I have no intention of wasting this opportunity. They are like the Kennedy’s in that they are accident prone, but unlike like them in the fact that they never die. They are indestructible Kennedy’s! – Holy shit, another reality show name idea!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2009 | Reply

  3. I wonder if they could be the next Survivor location
    I can thinks of lots of people I’d love to send to live with them

    Comment by dianne | August 17, 2009 | Reply

    • I’m leaning towards a survivor type of show! Just send me the names addresses and blackmailing material and I’ll start lining them up! Like fish in a barrel!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2009 | Reply

  4. I can see this being the mother lode…literarily speaking, that is. Seriously, it’s so crazy it would work.

    Is there anyway you could go undercover and live there for a while? No one feels like getting stabbed, Scott—except maybe my crazy ass cousin Lonnie after dipping into the Gin and Hawaiian Punch cocktails (he’s sensitive to sugar)—but sometimes you have to suffer for your art.

    If that won’t work, let me think of something else. For some reason I’m all over this idea…maybe it’s the Peugeot.

    Comment by bschooled | August 17, 2009 | Reply

    • A perfect use of the word literal!

      Uncle Lonnie, and don’t forget about the asshat from that late night gem ‘Cheaters.’ How could he have expected anything less? He must have felt like it a little.

      I’m might be willing to go undercover and even suffer a stabbing if it would guarantee a Pulitzer. I don’t want to go all Daniel Pearl for no good reason though. I don’t want anyone to ask where I’m headed off to. Cause my heads cut off.

      The more I think about it, it’s going to have to be reality TV! I’ll come up with a good pitch by Friday. Of course you’re all over this; it’s going to be brilliant! See if you can get us a meet with the boys from CBS!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2009 | Reply

  5. Wow- love this post. What a crazy world this is! I am so intrigued by the first glance you’ve got here, I cannot even imagine the potential of a closer look!
    Heh, this reminds me of the Pikeys in Snatch! 😉

    Ohh..there’s got to be a way to capture their day to day life- maybe if you offer some compensation they might let you be the silent observer hanging around:) Probably a little less dangerous than an undercover job, but then, then maybe the fear of getting stabbed would bring out the best work of art. And so undercover it is! 😀

    Comment by The Juicer | August 17, 2009 | Reply

    • You’re right; it is a lot like the Pikey’s! This is looking more and more like a fight club now. A very inebriated fight club with chairs and weapons. This is what Fight Club would have looked like if it was produced by Vince McMann!

      Everyone is a little too excited for me to go undercover here. I just called Joe Pistone and he said I’d be freaking crazy to do it. These Gypsies are no fugazis!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2009 | Reply

      • So now your having second thoughts? Where is your sense of adventure? Remeber, you only live until you die! 🙂

        Comment by Bill Reed | August 17, 2009 | Reply

  6. Great job … stop worrying about how crazy you are, or aren’t, by finding others who most definitely batshit crazier then you could ever be. This is not only the mother load, but it is also a brilliant of self therapy!

    On a personal note this post got me all teary eyed and nostalgic for the family reunions my grandmother used to have!

    🙂 🙂 🙂

    Comment by Bill Reed | August 17, 2009 | Reply

    • These people are more batshit crazy than an ancient tribe of guava eating, mercury lined hat makers.

      Are you a Hatfield or a McCoy?

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2009 | Reply

      • The Hatfield and McCoy families always looked down on my kin because we were too trashy. On the bright side, my family now has a lucrative business supplying Jerry Springer with guests. I am a little bit of an embarrassment to them because I graduated from highschool, ruining a perfect record.

        Comment by Bill Reed | August 17, 2009 | Reply

    • LOL, Bill! “Family Reunions”…

      The Nerd

      Comment by wordnerd45 | August 17, 2009 | Reply

  7. And here was worried about my apartment complex’s sudden decision to accept HUD and all the toys/trash that is lying around the place. As on yet, we have not had any stabbings or head smashes. Just a few cars broken into. Sooooo boring.

    I think we all need videos so we can enjoy your gypsy neighbors as much as you do!

    Comment by Jay | August 17, 2009 | Reply

    • The few pics I took did nothing to show the real deal. When I go back to them, I’ll have much better pics. There are literally mounds of garbage, clothes, broken TV’s, syringes, etc…its one hot mess.

      You just gave me another idea! I wonder if I could just strategically place some hidden cameras, nanny cams, whatever, all around the compound. –It is a compound now that I think about it.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2009 | Reply

  8. Wow, Scott, this is enough material to supply US TV with years of useless trash.

    Here’s some suggested titles for your show:

    “Stealin’ with the Gypsies”
    “Stab and Grab”
    “Jinx and Drinks”
    “Life’s a Gypsy Circus”
    “Whose Your Gypsy Daddy?”

    I’ll try to come up with more.

    Comment by wordnerd45 | August 17, 2009 | Reply

    • Maybe you better let me come up with the title after I figure out which direction I’m going. Lol. I work in advertising so I’m great at everything because I have a really fucking big ego. Good quality names tho!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2009 | Reply

      • Big ego? Hmmm….

        Hey, need a professional proofreader? I do that too, ya know.

        I got learnded but gooded wen it cums to Eenglesh stough.

        The Nerd

        Comment by The Nerd | August 17, 2009 | Reply

  9. “Gypsies, Pixies and Shanks”

    That has a nice “Disney” kinda ring to it, doesn’t it? Maybe we can hire the Cyrus family out? Miley can do a benefit tour through the area.

    Comment by wordnerd45 | August 17, 2009 | Reply

    • I do kind of like that! I would have changed it to ‘Gypsies, Shanks and Skanks.’ Or
      Or ‘Gypsies whores and Boers’* -B

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2009 | Reply

      • yep, it’s all good stuff..

        Gypsies, Shanks and Skanks, Nearby!

        Heyyyy, I do believe we’re on to something here…

        Comment by The Nerd | August 17, 2009 | Reply

        • I just realized that Cher could sing that title. Not so Disney-ish afterall.

          Comment by barelyknittogether | August 17, 2009 | Reply

  10. Wow. Wow. I lived upstairs from a Korean family once, and the hallway smelled like really bad…bad stuff. I think it was food. But it might have been the smell of a violent marriage. I called the cops on them. I’m very boring like that.

    But this is a gold mine! It’s a wonderland of delights! It’s rappers delight! It’s Deeee Lite! I am so jealous. All I have is warring gangsters and the occasional gunfire. I can’t WAIT to help you decide where to go with this. 😉

    Comment by barelyknittogether | August 17, 2009 | Reply

    • Hahahaha, what the hell does a violent marriage smell like? Well I guess it would have the smells of alcohol, crack, sweat, ah….never mind. I don’t want to go any further down that road.

      Doesn’t the saying go something like, “gunfire at night, rapper delight,
      Gunfire in the morning, bangers warning?”
      BTW-Deeee Lite is one of the best rapper names I’ve heard yet. He’s already on 4 E’s!

      I thought you’d be jealous; this place is a wonderland of delights indeed!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2009 | Reply

      • Sorry, I should have been more clear. A violent marriage apparently smells like fish sauce. Gross, I know. I personally don’t know what crack sweat smells like. Again, sorry.

        Don’t you know who Deee Lite is??

        Comment by barelyknittogether | August 17, 2009 | Reply

        • Uh, I apparently needed a refresher course, which I just got from google. Oops.
          Fish sauce makes sense because Long John Silver’s is a virtual Mecca for the white trash diner with a fancy for fried bread in seafood like shapes!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 18, 2009 | Reply

  11. Scott, I’m on my lunch break sshhhhh don’t tell, but I’m seriously concerned for your safety. That guy is looking at you like he wants to eat you or something and that thing up on the walkway behind him – I don’t know if it’s male or female – is smiling at you like it want just flat out wants you. Aren’t you a little too close to the action? Be careful, they might follow you home just to steal your camera!
    and omg West Virginia on Viagra? You made me snort at work!

    Comment by Claire Collins | August 17, 2009 | Reply

    • They all look at me like they want me, even the grandmother. Yay! I not unique though, they have what my dad would have called hungry eyes. Opiate addiction will give you that look real quick. I seriously was nervous. Nobody can communicate with them, not really. I told him I liked the work he did on the house. Then I got him to stand in front for the pic. Within minutes there were about 8 of them so I took off. As funny as this shit is, I can’t allow myself to get friendly with them or they will be knocking on my door everyday asking for money, food, or a ride somewhere.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 18, 2009 | Reply

      • You’re very unique.

        Good thing you do all of that running. You can get away.

        Comment by Claire Collins | August 18, 2009 | Reply

  12. what crazy village are you living in?

    Comment by nursemyra | August 17, 2009 | Reply

    • I think the village is called “WordPress,” Myra. It seems to be going around. 😉

      Comment by barelyknittogether | August 17, 2009 | Reply

      • WordPress? Then Scott, be afraid … be very afraid.

        Comment by Bill Reed | August 17, 2009 | Reply

    • It’s called Cadiar and is just up from the southern coast. It’s not just here though; it’s all over Spain and all over Europe now. The Gypsies have been here forever, but now it’s getting way worse with the Slavic immigrants pouring in. It’s even worse in Italy and France right now.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 18, 2009 | Reply

  13. And I thought having a few trailer courts on my paper route during junior high was an adventure. I just saw old Cameros jacked up on cinder blocks with Rotweilers and Pit Bulls “chained” in the front yard. There was the occasional domestic spat (warm spring weather equals “Domestic Abuse Saturday” in the trailer park) which was always super fun when dad came out wearing his wife beater with ketchup spilled down the front, combat boots (sans socks), beer and cigarette in hand with major bed head and some kicking breath. They never wanted to pay their newspaper bill and were always the first to complain.

    But not once did I witness a stabbing. I’ve heard some shootings where I live now but that’s because there’s government housing (and I’m pretty sure a crack den) right next to the metro. Your neighbors are heads and shoulders above my carni experiences. I think this needs to become an ongoing series!

    Comment by Pammy | August 18, 2009 | Reply

    • Ah yes, the fist days of spring, time to clean out the garage, get out the kids bikes, fire up the grill, and beat the shit out of the womenfolk!
      Your paper route white trash man would have been a God here. Did you see the man in the picture? He doesn’t have any ketchup, any wifebeaters, any shirts, any belts, or any pants with waistbands. He walks around all day holding his pants up with his hand. When he lets go, the pants go down. I’ll get more pics!

      This is going to be ongoing, I promise!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 18, 2009 | Reply

  14. Is there an application process to becoming a gypsy or are a bandana and a gold earring all that’s required? Do you need you own grinder monkey or can you rent to own?

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | August 18, 2009 | Reply

    • I believe that there is no formal application because it is more a mater of inbreeding — you have to born in the life. 🙂

      Comment by Bill Reed | August 18, 2009 | Reply

      • I wish they had that kind of Gypsy here; you know I adore monkeys!

        Nobody really knows for sure about the gypsies. The word has been way overused to describe any ‘undesirable’ people. The two main applications of the term refer to either Romani or Indian of the lowest social class. They have been around since before Christ though.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 18, 2009 | Reply

  15. You are one sick and twisted bastard. That’s why I love you.

    By the way, we get our fair share of gypsies in the ER. Oddly enough they don’t have insurance. Go figure.

    Comment by candice | August 22, 2009 | Reply

    • Now you gave me an idea for a show; Gypsy bastard. Find baby daddy= Brilliant!

      I hope that you are writing some of the better stories for me?

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 22, 2009 | Reply


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