Zodi’s Blog

Interview With the Gypsy

Part I

 

I met her on a narrow winding street surrounded by tidy whitewashed homes, but there was nothing tidy, narrow, or white-washed about this woman.

I’ve done it! Through persistence, 8 cardboard boxes of wine, 1 pack of roll up cigarettes, 7 euros, and an old pair of boxer shorts I was finally able to begin to chronicle the Gypsy life. For the purposes of simplicity and duplicity I have translated this interview from its original format of her speaking broken English and me speaking broken Spanish to something resembling coherence. So now, in the proud tradition of Frost/Nixon, of Larry King/Tony Blair, of Howard Stern/Crackhead Bob; I give to you….. Oglesby/Crazy Ass Gypsy Lady…..

G.L.- Do you got a cigarette?

Me- Yea, I’ll buy you a pack of roll ups if you talk to me for a minute.

G.L.- I want to drink something too then. And not no goddamn water.

Me- Ok, I’ll buy you a box of wine.

At this point there was much celebrating in the form of hand kissing, dancing, and suggestive hip thrusts. After I bought her the wine I pulled out my camera to get her photo…

G.L.- Oooh, oooh, shiny thing, give me, give me??

Me- No, get off of me. Stand back there, I want to take your picture.

G.L.- Can I have a euro?

Me- Yes, now stand still and get your hands out of your pants.

                                                                                 

 

 

blog pics 193                                                                                                                                                                   

                                                                                            

After capturing her image on the ‘evil shiny soul catcher,’ we found a nice spot in the park for me to sit down and type, and for her to endlessly pace, smoke, drink, shoot-up some smack, smoke some crack, and scream insults at passing tourists. After I was able to calm her with another euro, we began again.

Me- Can you please state your name for the record

G.L.- Blearaphariemooshhhhhhh.

Me- Ok, I’ll just call you Crazy Ass Gypsy Lady, or G.L. for short. Ok?

G.L.- Buy me more wine?

Me- In a little while.

G.L.- You Goddamned mother fucker.… OK

Me- How old are you?

G.L.- 29.

Me- What? You can’t be.

G.L.- Coke miles ain’t easy miles, white boy.

Me- I guess we’ll skip the personal information for now. Can you tell me anything interesting?

G.L.- I’m the hottest bitch on the block white boy, wanna fuck?……….. Hey, why are you throwing up and stabbing at your eyes and poking sticks into your ears? Are you ok? Do you need some brown?

Me- No, no (calming down) I’m fine, I just must have eaten something.

G.L.- Oh yea, that happens to me everyday. I thought I was funny.

Me- What can you tell me about Gypsies? Do you have any family legends or lore?

G.L- Well, one legend states that we were forever cursed because we made Christ’s crucifixion nails. But that’s a load of horseshit! The truth is that we stole one of the four nails that were used to crucify him.

Me- Wait are you saying that you are a 2000 year old vampire?

G.L.- What are you, fucked up? You’re in the wrong ‘Interview with a……..’ . Stay with me here white boy!

Me- Sorry.

G.L.- That’s why Christ had both feet attached with one nail. The truth is we didn’t do it out of mercy; the nails were made out of olive wood, which were really handy for stabbing relatives back then. Anyway, because we spared Christ that one painful nail, God bestowed upon us the blessed ability to be the best thieves in the world.

Me- But you always get caught. Old, half blind, drunken shop owners have kicked you out of every store in Europe.

G.L- Fuck you white boy. Buy me some wine. Please?

Me- After one more tale.

G.L.- This wine is getting my womanly juices flowing!

Me- I’ll give you a euro if you just tell me why the Bulgarians have a country and a church and you don’t?

G.L.- Hell yea! At one time there was a country in which the Bulgarians and the Gypsies lived. The Bulgarians built a church and the gypsies built another one. The Bulgarians made their church out of gold. We made our church out of cheese. Time passed. The gypsies were wandering incessantly, and hunger gripped us. We did not have anything to eat…. so we began to eat the church. One Gypsy took a slice, and then another… We ended up without a church. For that reason we do not have church, because we ate it. The Bulgarians have one, but we don’t. We do not have a state either. We do not have anything.

Me- Ooh don’t forget your God bestowed talent for thievery.

G.L.- Fuck you.

Me.- No really, you guys are like Satan. The greatest trick you ever pulled was making the world think you didn’t steal.

G.L.- Fuck you, I’m getting mad.

Me- Cause nobody would ever think that a gypsy would steal anything. I’ll bet the shop owners ask you to lock up for them every night huh? Cause you guys are so trustworthy and all?

After she pulled out a knife I changed the subject back to the cheesy church.

Me- Wait, you made a church out of cheese?

G.L.- We’ve always been a bit eccentric. We like cheese, plus we like to horde shit. This was like stabbing two relatives with one knife. Smart huh?

Me- What kind of church was it? Romano Catholic? Christ of the Ubriaco? Saint Paulin? Protestant Pepper Jack? Anglican Acorn? I’ll bet the Marble marble Saints kept the Munster out! Jajajajaja. You guys should have made it out of Swiss; then it would have been really holy.

G.L.- You are seriously a fucking idiot. My IQ is like 48, I’m strung out on smack, I’m drunk; and I still know how lame you are. What’s next in your comedic repartee, knock knock jokes? Jackass.

Me- Uh, sorry. Do you want to finish this tomorrow?

G.L.- Yea, because you suck. Buy me some wine.

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August 24, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

41 Comments »

  1. You have certainly set the journalistic bar pretty high Scott. Larry King may want to borrow your shoulders. Funny stuff man.

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | August 24, 2009 | Reply

    • I’ll send Scott some suspenders FJ!!!

      Comment by Vicki | August 24, 2009 | Reply

      • I would love them! I could sell them to the old men here for 10 pairs of blue pants!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 24, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks FJ! I’ll bet Larry King has a healthier rotator cuff. After 7 years of pitching, 3 of football, and 20 of lifting weights, his are probably way better. I’d give him my shoulders if I could take a crack at his medicine cabinet.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 24, 2009 | Reply

  2. I agree with FJ very funny Scott! I’m feelin a little weird about cheese right now though. XO!

    Comment by Vicki | August 24, 2009 | Reply

    • You know I didn’t make up those legends though right? I was highly amused when I googled gypsy legends. As soon as I saw all that I know I had a two or three part ‘interview.’

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 24, 2009 | Reply

  3. You crack me up.

    She’s hot!!

    Comment by candice | August 24, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Candice! Yea C.A.G.L. won Miss Gypsy Cadiar 3 years straight now. Wait till you see the other 4 Gypsy debutants to choose from though.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 24, 2009 | Reply

  4. Scott! I never thought I’d say this, but you’ve outdone even yourself. This is tremendous! Not only are you one of my very few (5,325,234.7 and counting) favorite things, You are like the Anderson Cooper of Europe.

    If you don’t mind, I have a few questions I would like you to ask Blearaphariemooshhhhhhh for me:

    1) How many miles per gallon does the Peugeot get?

    2) What exactly are “womanly juices?

    3) Do the gypsies feel as though Demi Moore captured their essence when she did the voice of Esmerelda in Disney’s Hunchback of Notre Dame?

    4) Would they be interested in purchsing my Magic 8-Ball paper-sculpture?

    5) What’s with the Gap Kids tank top?

    6) Where does she see me in 5 years?

    7) Would they be interested in purchasing any of my sculptures?

    8) What does she plan on doing with the old pair of boxer shorts?

    9) Why were you carrying around an old pair of boxer shorts?

    (the last question is more for you)

    Once again, stellar work Scott. You are a true genius.

    Comment by bschooled | August 24, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks B! You’ve made my day! Not only is Mr. Cooper a talented reader, but he spins all the way around, and has a beautiful head of white hair! I love my compliment!! As soon as I realized the kind of honor you had bestowed me, I rushed out the door to get your important questions answered. –Direct quotes…
      1- “It depends on the kind of gas that was in the car we siphoned. Usually about 28.”

      2- “You know how when you have a hangover and start drinking again in the morning, then the first few drinks make bile start to rise in your throat. That’s the womanly juices.”

      3- “We are absolutely flabbergasted with the way we are portrayed in Hollywood. It is simply an unfair, untrue, stereotype. Although I do believe that Demi did a delightful job within the constraints of her role.”

      4- “Does it work? Did you feel an unclean presence when you were creating it? Were you nodding out? I’ll give you 3 roll up smokes and a pair of men’s 32’ boxer shorts.”

      5- “You better watch your mouth white girl. You best not be making fun of me. Imma gonna ask Scott if he has a magic paper image of you and a lock of hair. Then I’ll whisper ‘richer.’ Then you’ll be sorry. ”

      6- “In 5 years I see you living with a nice Gypsy family in southern Spain. We will all share our own unique talents with each other and the world. Won’t it be lovely?”

      7- “Yes, while we all live together we will be trading everything with each other. We will get your sculptures and you will get our fun and exciting lifestyle!”

      8- “I use everything, and I do mean everything for trade. (You’ll see when you get here.) For instance; I already closed a deal today trading the boxer shorts for a magic 8-ball.”

      9- (It’s me again B)- I’ve learned to start carrying around old garments for trade. If I need some information or directions, I can just give them some old underwear or socks. I have 3 used bathing suits in a safety deposit box in case I ever get kidnapped as well. Spain is all about being prepared.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 24, 2009 | Reply

      • Thank you so much, Scott. I think I have gathered enough information now to make an unbiased judgement that these people are cerifiably (word?) zany creatures. I have also ascertained that I, too, would like to meet them.

        One thing I forgot to ask, though…I assume you took the necessary precautions and wore a condom (or 14) to this interview?

        Safety first, Scott…

        Comment by bschooled | August 24, 2009 | Reply

        • Now you’ve said a mouthful! No, no condoms. I simply rinsed with stream water. I hear it’s a cure-all. Besides no need for preventative measures when apparently all of her ‘womanly juices’ are bile, stomach acids, and plaque. -Now, I think I’ve gone to far even for me. I seriously am starting to feel ill.
          So where did you find the cool avatar? How’s the weather?

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 24, 2009 | Reply

  5. (ps. I have no idea why the #8 is a happy face-this is serious business)

    Comment by bschooled | August 24, 2009 | Reply

    • Oh you can be happy and serious at the same time. Just ask George Bush.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 24, 2009 | Reply

  6. “Coke miles ain’t easy miles, white boy.” LOL!

    Great interview. Seriously, CNN really should replace Larry King with you. Especially since Larry has been dead for 7 years.

    Comment by Jay | August 24, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Jay! I keep trying to tell CNN and they keep extending the restraining order.
      His poor, poor, rich wife.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 24, 2009 | Reply

  7. Scott.

    Please dial 911 for me because I can’t breathe. You made me cry at work so now I’m mad at you for being so damn funny. Thnakfully, this time I was on my lunch break so my hysterical laughter wasn’t questioned.

    The cheese church listing was a riot.

    Watch out for CAGL. I have this premonition that she isn’t done with you yet.

    Comment by Claire Collins | August 24, 2009 | Reply

    • I can’t believe the legends and lore surrounding the Gypsies. All that, plus the day to day antics that scream adult audience only sitcom. No, this interview isn’t even over. I still owe her a couple euros.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 25, 2009 | Reply

  8. fantastic interview!
    and you maintained your journalistic integrity by not fucking her
    cause ya know Larry would have

    Comment by dianne | August 24, 2009 | Reply

    • Oh, I don’t think even Larry would have hit that with Bea Arthur’s dick.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 25, 2009 | Reply

  9. Bea Arthur had a dick?

    Comment by nursemyra | August 25, 2009 | Reply

    • One of the best comedic lines of all time delivered by Jeffrey Ross at a comedy central roast for Jerry Stiller. He was talking about Sandra Bernhardt. There has been a new adaptation to it, “ I wouldn’t fuck Bea Arthur’s dick with Andy Dick’s pussy.”

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 25, 2009 | Reply

      • haha… that’s funny

        Comment by nursemyra | August 25, 2009 | Reply

  10. Ha. Good stuff, Scott. I’ve contacted my friends in Hollywood in hopes fof getting you a movie deal. Don’t get your hopes up my Hollywood friends are all meth addicts. Love the Jeebus talk. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | August 25, 2009 | Reply

    • That’s very cool Matt-Man! All my Hollywood friends are heroin addicts so maybe between both sets of friends, something will balance out!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 25, 2009 | Reply

  11. “Are you ok? Do you need some brown?”

    WTF??? This reminds me of the white trash water park full of people from Kentucky (I know they were from Kentucky; most of them had it tattooed somewhere on their body) I went to last week while on vacation. One of the posted rules stated: “Do not ride the water slide if you have diarrhea.”

    I’m a huge fan of the no-bra and midriff look on meth users. Are you sure she’s a gypsy and not from Kentucky?

    Comment by Pammy | August 25, 2009 | Reply

    • Hilarious Pammy! I think you might have it backwards. I think that most of the flotsam of the gene pool that is currently habituating in the trailer parks of West Virginia and Kentucky has roots in Gypsy heritage. Has to. Close enough for stabbing anyway!
      Where in the hell were you anyway??

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 25, 2009 | Reply

  12. I was in Illinois but drove to Santa Claus, Indiana, and visited Holiday World… the world’s oldest theme park. We were greeted by Santa, listened to the Star Spangled Banner, shot turkeys, did a bit of Trick ‘o Treating, and then found ourselves in the water park with the good but sadly not God-fearing people of Kentucky. While not afraid of God, I’m pretty sure they had allergies to exercise, non-alcoholic beverages, visits to the dentist, and wearing clothes.

    One of the best vacations ever… seriously.

    Comment by Pammy | August 25, 2009 | Reply

    • For a minute I thought it said you were greeted by Satan. I’m still not quite convinced otherwise. In fact, the greatest trick Satan ever pulled was convincing Kentucky-ans that they don’t need dentists.

      Words fail me, Scott. I think you’re lying, because that lady looks just like my middle school bus driver. You’re not in Spain, are you? Anyway, I hope you’re being “careful” with those “people” because we wouldn’t want you to get “hurt” or “sick.” If you catch my drift.

      Comment by Lois Lane | August 26, 2009 | Reply

      • Lois Lane- To paraphrase my dear friend Eminem I can’t be your superman. So sorry about that. Yes the devil is a sneaky fucker isn’t he? It’s really hard to believe that Keano Reeves of all people outsmarted him. Satan must have been hungover with a coke low that day.
        So where did you attend school Kentucky, West Virginia, or hades??
        And to quote another dear friend, “Yes, I’m pickin up what you’re puttin down.”

        Thanks for the comment, you’re welcome here anytime!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2009 | Reply

    • Ah yes the middle of our country. I try to avoid it all costs. I don’t mind the east coast + Chicago and the west coast into Vegas. Other than that, I won’t step inside those badlands.
      I hope you took a boatload of photo’s?!?!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2009 | Reply

  13. You did it! You did it!! (clap clap)
    Am so entertained right now:D

    Extremely fun, point blank brusque and hilarious!! I am not gonna compare to anyone else, but my, you are good. And that is so.

    I confess I like Ms. Blearaphariemooshhhhhhh and I would like to say hi. You must tell her she has acquired quite a few fans!
    And my respects to her coke years…I think they are even longer than light years.

    Comment by The Juicer | August 27, 2009 | Reply

    • Ah yes, Mrs. Blearaphariemooshhhhhhh is developing an extroldinary fan club! She’s almost ready for her own reality show I think.

      Thanks for all of your kind words!! Just wait till part II comes out this weekend!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 28, 2009 | Reply

  14. I once made a homeless man sing ‘Hard Days Night’ for a dollar, but this puts that to shame. You’re like a living, breathing reality show.

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | August 31, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Rooster! That may be one of the nicest things anybody’s ever said to me!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 31, 2009 | Reply

  15. […] This is part II of an interview between me and one of the nutty gypsy women living in my little village in Spain. If you have not read part I then you can do so here. […]

    Pingback by Interview with the Gypsy II « Zodi’s Blog | September 16, 2009 | Reply

  16. […] lady in the second photo is, and want to read one of my personal favorite posts of all time, go here, you won’t regret it. Actually you might. Aren’t you curious now? Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)Losers Luck“Never Let ‘Em See You […]

    Pingback by More Awkwardity « Zodi’s Blog | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  17. Damn, bro, you found my ex. Could you tell her to send me back the car, trailer, big-screen TV w/remote control, lawn mower, Sea-Do, custom boots made out of rattle snake hide, the golf trophy I won in 1962 after I cheated made that hole in one on hole number six, back yard sprinkler system, two car garage and that fishing lure I always liked so much? She can keep the carton of smokes because I don’t any more.

    Comment by jammer5 | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ll let her know you’d like your stuff back Jammer. But I wouldn’t get my hopes up if I were you. She probably sold that shit within 2 weeks of the breakup. She does have an ever growing habit to support after all.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply


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