Zodi’s Blog

The New World Order

I was going to post part II of my Gypsy interview but something far more important has come up. I’ve had an epiphany! I’ve had not only a life changing idea, but a world changing idea. We must act on this at once to make the world a much safer, happier, more productive place.

 

See, the media, the political and religious leaders, everybody really, has been yammering on about the way to solve all of the problems that we face as a global society. And it’s all the same tired advice; come together, join forces, unite, WE can make a difference. And how exactly has that been working out for us? Not so well.

 

We don’t need to come together, we need to separate. We need to get as far away as possible from each other before we spontaneously combust or destroy the entire planet with a horrible combination of nukes and stupidity. A couple of days ago I left a comment on my friend  Bschooled’s blog about how we should ship all of the old people off to live in their own private utopia of Ensure and Viagra. Where everybody goes to the beauty parlor on Tuesday morning and has bingo every Thursday night. Imagine how happy they’d all be without the confusing new technology of microwave ovens and cell phones to drive them up the cemetery wall.  But why stop with the old people?

 

We should just continue the splicing. The next group would be the stupid people. We would put them all on one continent, where they could all play softball, tell the checkout lady about their day with a line of 10 people behind them, and have sex with the unintended gender accidentally on occasion. They would all have their twice yearly cameos on ‘Cops’ and ‘Cheaters.’ They’d have to battle it out against the religious people for the rights to Mrs. Palin though. Admittedly, this would be a short lived species as soon as the dark angel of Darwinian law saw that they were unprotected. Still they would have a blast smoking their 305’s, drinking their Natty Ice, and setting off fireworks until that fateful day.

 

The smart people would also have an entire continent to themselves. Although we could probably fit them all on Ibiza with plenty of room to spare. But they deserve space. The smart people’s lives would be vastly improved by the lack of stupid people. There would be so many less distractions; no warning labels to tell you that coffee is hot, or not to smoke cigarettes while pumping gas. The emergency rooms would virtually empty out. There would be no more traffic jams caused by shiny, pretty things. Parts of the economy would suffer with the bankruptcy of McDonald’s, Wal-Mart, and the entire country music industry, but that would be overshadowed by the cure of cancer, discovery of the God Particle, and saving the rest of the human race.

 

There would be a liberal continent where nothing is ever anybody’s fault and everybody needs to be told what to eat and drink and everybody is protected from themselves. They would all talk about all of the sacrifices we need to make without ever having to actually sacrifice anything themselves. The military would be weak and timid, but once every couple of years they would dominate the rest of the world, before finding an implausible way to self destruct.

 

There would be Shawn Hannity’s continent which might as well just be America since he claims it as his own so fiercely already. This land would be populated by right wing radio hosts and angry white men who are persecuted daily for being such exemplary Christians. This would be a circa 1950’s replica of America without all of the pesky 1950’s (or any other time) reality. Here everyone would love God (The father of Jesus God, not the one who makes you an evil terrorist who deserves to be wiped off the face of the earth God. Not some hippy Buddhist God either, because all of those people are going to burn in hell for being born on the wrong continent) Everyone would own at least 2 guns and 3 bibles. Every den would have an oil painting of Ronald Reagan. There would be no pornography, no rap music, and no sex except in men’s restrooms. No one would challenge the sanctity of marriage, and every child would be home schooled to learn about how Adam and Eve had pet Dino’s.  

 

Just think how much happier everyone will be! Remember apart we CAN make a difference!

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August 30, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

41 Comments »

  1. I want to sign up to travel from group to group checking up on them and filming them

    this freakin’ killed me, every time I thought I had a favorite line there was a new one

    Comment by dianne | August 30, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Dianne! I’d love to be able to film the stupid people continent. There are too few opportunities to observe this species in its natural habitat. That’s why I’m getting in with the Gypsies.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 30, 2009 | Reply

  2. No rap music or sex unless in the mens bathroom?

    Guess America can suck it!!

    Comment by candice | August 30, 2009 | Reply

    • Candice- Wait, are you telling me that you’ve never had sex in the men’s room? Oh man, it’s the best!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 30, 2009 | Reply

  3. I guess I’d be living on the Ensure and Viagra continent (But I could do without the convenience of viagra. Old men turn me off.) I’d love to go to the beauty parlor every Tuesday and play Bingo every Thursday, with the added advantage of Bridge Club on, say, Tuesday night to show off my hairdo. I’d have to have a lifetime supply of round-trip tickets to the liberal continent, though. You know, old people tend to be more and more conservative as they age. I couldn’t stand a steady diet of conservatism. No, indeedy.

    Comment by Betty | August 30, 2009 | Reply

    • I guess the people who show ‘good behavior’ or God forbid open-mindedness would be given travel visas. I hang out with you on the Ensure continent if you played pinochle as well!

      A steady diet of conservatism will kill you quicker than a steady diet of arsenic. Thanks for the comment, and thanks for stopping by. I hope to see you again!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 31, 2009 | Reply

  4. What if I want to live with the smart people and the liberal people? Oh, and with the old people?

    Can we have an old, smart and liberal place? That’s not California?

    Comment by Pamela Villars | August 30, 2009 | Reply

    • Yea, the more I think about it, we’re going to have to go with the travel visa idea. And you’re right, California is pretty close already. If the San Andreas Fault would just cooperate then it would already be an ideal island!

      Thanks for coming by Pamela. Keep coming back!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 31, 2009 | Reply

  5. Oh dear God…Hannity 24/7? You’d have to change the of America to Hell. And ironically, it would be populated by “Christians”. There is justice. Brilliant!! Cheers!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | August 31, 2009 | Reply

    • I still have faith in justice my friend. Justice and irony!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 31, 2009 | Reply

  6. Awesome stuff, Scott. This new wave of “planned living” has so many positives, I can’t recommend it enough, if for no other reason than it will stop the endless cycle of violence caused by the civil war between East Coast and West Coast rappers.

    The only downside may be the waves of confused “stupids” paddling doors in circles trying to make a break for a better life in a “smart” country. Of course, the Hannity’s could be persuaded with a little Natural Light to guard the borders from any interlopers. Of course, the “stupid” being “stupid,” they may never reach their destination due to several critical errors along the way.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | August 31, 2009 | Reply

    • CLT- Shit, I hadn’t thought of the rap war thing. I guess we’d have to put them on different islands of the same continent. Or even different security levels of the same prison.

      You made me spit coffee with the visual of the stupids paddling a door in a circle. You’re right, they’d never make it. But I don’t think the Hannity’s would even need to be persuaded. They are just itching to try out their new TEC-9 on a …..well on anybody really, but the stupids would do.

      Funny as hell!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 31, 2009 | Reply

  7. This is brilliant! And hilarious.

    Their own country thing would probably work out for the Shawn Hannity people way better than their gated communities and exclusive country clubs. They wouldn’t risk having to come into contact with any minorities at all.

    Most people would probably want to live on the smart people continent, but things could be a bit stuffy and boring there. Those people can be so pretentious. So, I would probably hang out on the stupid people continent. They are very entertaining.

    Comment by Jay | August 31, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Jay! Not only would they not have to see a minority. They’d be free to say Merry Christmas, plunder retirement accounts of underlings, and openly talk about the Gays and the Islamos. They’d be free at last, free at last.

      I’d like to hang with the stupids a bit as well. They have fireworks and beer for fucks sake!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 31, 2009 | Reply

  8. Have you ever had a glass of Ensure and Viagra? It’s might tasty. N.W.O. rules! I feel as though I’m doing my part.

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | August 31, 2009 | Reply

    • I have had Ensure and it ain’t bad, especially the chocolate. I haven’t tried the Viagra yet. I admit that I’m terrified of priapism. I’d be like my little dachshund the first time he got wood. Trying in vain to run away from it. After 4 hours or so, I imagine I’d be pretty tired.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 31, 2009 | Reply

  9. I have always separated the world into A**holes and non-A**holes. The A**holes get central Asia and we get the rest. I think that’s fair, we’ll even send them some Viagra and stuff.

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | August 31, 2009 | Reply

    • Oh man if we took that divide, I don’t know if any of the other sub-groups would have enough numbers to survive.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 31, 2009 | Reply

  10. So what you’re sayin is you’re an Ironic Isolationist! OK, I’ll go along with that. You’re right about the, “we are the world” united humanity type of conceptual politics! As I recall from history , Nimrod tried that with the tower of Babel and we all know how that went down! If you don’t mind, could you please segregate me to the land where Glinda and those adorable short people with flowers on top of their hats live…then we’ll call it good!

    I guess this would not be a good time to tell you I watch Glenn Beck. Oh crap, here comes those pesky winged monkey’s!
    I think I just got hit by a stone…shit…there’s another one..gotta run…later!

    Comment by Vicki | August 31, 2009 | Reply

    • You know I’ve never been quick to fix myself with a label, but I’m loving Ironic Isolationist. It’s perfect for me! I don’t mind putting you in Oz but I’m afraid I couldn’t visit, because I’m terrified of those little people. Terrified.

      Beck would be in Hannity’s America. They could hang out and cry and drastically change their opinions as soon as the nation changes presidents. – Had to. lol Watch out for the stones!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 31, 2009 | Reply

      • Yes Scott…Ironic Isolationist is perfect for you! Its my gift to you hun! Hugs!

        Comment by Vicki | September 1, 2009 | Reply

  11. Where do the sexy people hang out?

    Comment by nursemyra | August 31, 2009 | Reply

    • I think that almost every group would have their own sexy people. The top beautiful people from every group would be the first ones to be issued travel visas. I know I’ve been trying to bring sexy back before Timberlake got in the game.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 31, 2009 | Reply

  12. Scott!

    Will wonders ever cease???

    Nevermind, I can ask you that question later. Right now let’s talk about that brilliantly epiphanic (can you believe that’s actually a real word?) mind of yours.

    I am behind you 100%. In fact, I really hope this idea of yours works out, because I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to live on a continent where I wouldn’t be “ostracized” for carrying these 2 guns around. (I don’t see the big deal, it’s not like I don’t have a holster for them or anything).

    I only have one question, Scott…what is the unintended gender? Is that another name for the Amish? Because if so, I should probably tell you that their gender isn’t really “unintended” per se, it’s just well hidden under all those layers. Trust me, I found out the hard way (let’s just say that drinking copious amounts of moonshine during Rumspringa is something I no longer recommend).

    Anyway, like I said before(see above), you have a brilliantly epiphanic mind, and I am truly honored that the seeds of one of your most brilliant epiphanies(I really need to get a Thesaurus) to-date were planted thanks to me.
    (that is what you were trying to say, wasn’t it?)

    Your loyal disciple,

    Bschooled

    Comment by bschooled | August 31, 2009 | Reply

    • I can barely contain myself! Not only is epiphanic a word (and I learn a new one everyday thanks to you) but knowing that I have you on board for this project makes me euphorically elated! Now I think this idea has a chance of coming to fruition instead of rotting on the vine. .

      You can already carry your guns with you even to the local bar if you live in Knoxville Tenn. I mean who wouldn’t think that was an incredible idea? I really love it there because if you get into an argument about whether Hulk Hogan would beat Triple H, or whether it’s “beer before liqueur never sicker….or never quicker???” You don’t have to run out to your pickup truck to settle it. A real time saver! Plus it keeps out ‘those undesirables’ – It’s just the way God intended! God damn it.

      The unintended gender has a plethora of meanings. Marylyn Manson is the unintended gender as are the Amish, as well as the Mormons (the underwear makes it confusing). Tom Cruise and Eddie Murphy could both tell you stories of the unintended gender. That thing in ‘The Crying Game’ was certainly the unintended gender. It’s all about an ‘oopsie moment’ really.

      Damn I was going to invite you to drink moonshine with me at Rumspringa. It’s the only time that we can wear non-traditional clothing and hair styles, after all. I was hoping to see an ankle or two. And Mordachi makes the best moonshine. How am I ever going plant my epiphanic seeds now?

      And finally yes; that was exactly what I was trying to say. This idea never would have been imaginated if it weren’t for you, Auntie D, and that question at the top of every schooled person’s mind, ‘Who cares about elderly people?’

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 31, 2009 | Reply

      • Does this mean that Bschooled is an actual muse?? She seems to qualify.

        Comment by fundamentaljelly | September 2, 2009 | Reply

        • I’m not sure if muse’s are supposed to be so funny?

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 2, 2009 | Reply

          • Ha!

            Oh, how you both flatter me so…

            FYI, since I consider the both of you as my own personal muse (a fused-muse, if you will), if I were to also become a muse, it would end up being a somewhat redundant term.

            And yes, Scott, muses can be funny…and not just any kind of funny either. I’m talking about the elite, New World Order/Alex and Brandi kind of funny.

            Comment by bschooled | September 2, 2009 | Reply

  13. I think there might just be a war between Hannity and Limbaugh as the Messiah of the land that makes up most of the deep south and part of the states in the middle that you never hear about except during football season. What land do the nutty NRA people belong to: Hannity or the stupid people? Because I’m afraid there might be war between those groups since so many of them fit into both categories (see anyone who likes / supports Sarah Palin).

    Comment by Pammy | August 31, 2009 | Reply

    • First of all that would be one civil was I wouldn’t mind to see at all! Second- that was a great line about the middle of the country that you never hear about except for (college) football. You would have to give Hannity/NRA a bunch of the stupid people or their land would be under populated. They’re certainly not all stupid but I’d bet Vegas odds you’d get a good 80%. I don’t think Limbaugh or Hannity are stupid; I actually think that they are brilliant. Hate and fear sell. They just have no soul. It’s most of their listeners who don’t have the brain to think for themselves or use landscaping equipment in a safe, effective manner.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 1, 2009 | Reply

  14. P.S. Not all the Mormons gave money to Prop 8. Some of us were horrified by the situation… so go easy, OK?

    Comment by Pammy | August 31, 2009 | Reply

    • I wouldn’t ‘have a go’ at you at all. I didn’t know that you were Mormon? I just said that the underwear confuses me. And I don’t like to be confused; I’m afraid I’ll get shipped off to the land of the stupid.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 1, 2009 | Reply

      • I’m not a very good one, apparently. I’m a liberal Dem and don’t exactly fit the Mormon mold. Say what you will about Sen. Harry Reid, but the fact that he’s a Mormon Dem makes him my hero.

        Comment by Pammy | September 1, 2009 | Reply

  15. I don’t know which continent I should choose (or be assigned to) but if I have a choice, I’ll pick the one with Matt-Man cause he’s so damn funny.

    Comment by David | September 1, 2009 | Reply

    • I think the funny people would mostly be on the smart continent; after all it takes a lot of brain power to be funny. And you’re right, Matt-Man is hilarious. Thanks for coming by!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 1, 2009 | Reply

  16. Wow. Where to begin?

    I like guns, but I imagine in a world segregated by intelligence, there would be fewer reasons to have them. And I don’t like them unreasonably, just for their value when your husband goes away to Iraq and leaves you with two children in a house in the country.

    Can I be on an island with Neal Boortz? I could handle that. I think I’m pretty smart, and I’m not liberal. I’m also not conservative in the “Christian Republican” sense of the word. Can’t there be a libertarian continent? You nailed both groups pretty well. I appreciate your equal-opportunity epiphany.

    Actually, now that I think about it, maybe we should just make our own island. You, Bschooled, FJ, me…the whole lot of us. It would be an uproariously good time. And I mean that in the good way, not the unintended way.

    Comment by barelyknittogether | September 2, 2009 | Reply

    • I try hard to be an equal opportunity epiphanic. I’d love to be on an island with you, Neal Boortz, FJ, Bschooled, and a few unmentionable unintendeds!! Thanks BKT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 14, 2009 | Reply

  17. I like the new photo, Scott.

    Comment by Claire Collins | September 6, 2009 | Reply

    • Oh I know that you do Claire. Thanks hun!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 14, 2009 | Reply

  18. LOVE this post!
    Let me introduce myself, I am the silent observer. Give me a lone beatific island, cos I am tired of being up in the clouds here.

    Comment by The Juicer | September 10, 2009 | Reply

    • Nice to meet you, oh silent one! I’m right up in the clouds with you, trust me. Thanks!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 14, 2009 | Reply


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