Zodi’s Blog

What were they thinking?

Every single time that someone commits an act of public stupidity, people everywhere beg the question; what were they thinking? Nobody however, offers us a truly honest explanation. Being the humble servant to public service that I am, I thought I’d shed some much needed light on a few of history’s greatest mysteries. This is what they were thinking…….

 

Kayne West, “Oh my God, please look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Please just look at meeeeee.”

 

Rob Blagojevich, “Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be a gangster.”

 

Larry Craig, “What happens in the Minnesota airports men’s restroom stays in the Minnesota airport men’s restroom.”

 

Jim Jones, “What. The. Fuck. They told me this was gonna be Gatorade.”

 

King Henry The VIII, “I wonder where Ann is headed off to?”

 

Princess Di’s driver, “I knew I shouldn’t have done that last line of coke. Now I’m all edgy and shit.”

 

Mao Ze-Dong, “Well, there’s half my problem solved right there.”

 

Tonya Harding, “I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum. Which is what I am, I’m a bum.”

 

Pete Rose, “Hey batter, batter, swing batter, batter. Cause daddy needs a new pair of shoes.”

 

Mark Foley, “It’s just the internet, who’s gonna ever find out?”

 

Bernie Madoff, “I can’t believe I’m getting away with this shit.”

 

Eddie Murphy, “It’s not gay if she looks like a she.”

 

Richard Pryor, “Just one more blaze.”

 

Michael Hutchence and David Carradine, “This is gonna be so great.”

 

Lisa Nowak (internal dialog, all to herself), “Just be cool bitch. But I gotta pee. Look, tell that bitch to be cool. Bitch be cool and all this shit is gonna work out.”

 

Hitler, “If only the Goldberg gallery had bought even one painting. Aaughh.”

 

Schrödinger’s cat, “I’m soooo fucking confused.”

 

Mussolini, “This is my neighborhood; you should let me wet my beak a little.”

 

Kim Jong-Il- “I can’t believe they keep making me get that damn glaucoma test.”

 

Ahmadinejad- “No sane man would fuck with a man wearing such a nice Banana Republic jacket.”

 

Marsha Applewhite, (Heavens Gate) “This is gonna be so fuckin cool.”

 

Len Bias- “My future is paved in gold now baby.”

 

John Belushi and Chris Farley, “Definitely gotta go to rehab tomorrow.” 

 

Mark Sanford, “If it ain’t the same continent, it ain’t cheatin.”

 

Bill Clinton, “Hehe, everybody knows fat chicks give the best head. Hehe.”

 

Nixon, “Fuck em.”

 

Cheney, “Fuck em.”

 

Bush, “I wonder if Dick will let me have Saddam’s train set?”

 

OJ, “Come on man, you should know not to fuck with a brother’s white girl. Shoulda God damn better known better.”

 

Ted Haggard, “Dear lord Jesus, please avert your eyes for about an hour.”

 

Pontius Pilate, “I have a bad gut feeling about this. Ahh, I’m sure it’ll work out.”

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September 18, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

43 Comments »

  1. You crack me up! Those were great. :)What about this one?

    Michael Jackson- I knew I should have used Candice’s ass Phenergan instead of that fucking Propofol!

    Comment by candice | September 18, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Candice! I can’t believe I didn’t think of M.J. But you nailed it!! You should always go with the ass Phenergan indeed!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 18, 2009 | Reply

  2. Umm, that was FRIGGIN brilliant!!!

    Great work, Scott. Just great.

    Comment by Candy | September 18, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Candy, I appreciate it. And congrats again!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 18, 2009 | Reply

  3. Ha…Very good.

    “Hey guys,someone push me up to the railing so I can get a better view of the sea.”

    –Leon Klinghoffer

    Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | September 18, 2009 | Reply

    • Haha, you made me go to wiki for that one. Brilliant! Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 18, 2009 | Reply

  4. Scott, if the word “awesome” was in Histories Greatest Mysteries, you’d have been the one who put it there.

    Although I’m not personally familiar with all of these famous people (and by all I mean half), I have no doubt in my mind that this is exactly what they were thinking before they did whatever it is they ended up doing.

    And just to prove it, I’m going to “Wikipedia the Shit out of These People,” until I feel I have a good enough background to back up your story.

    Because that’s what blogging friends do.

    I’m going to start with Schrödinger’s cat, of course (I mean it’s only logical), and from there hit Rob Blagojevich, before making a quick stop at Ahmadinejad on my way home. To be honest, I could really use Ahmadinejad’s help picking out a new Banana Republic jacket and pant ensemble…I mean, yes, their clothes may be a little pricier than what I’m used to (Target), but their pieces are timeless, and we can all agree that they only use the highest-quality, longest-lasting fabrics.

    It’s all they know.

    As for the others, I know enough about them to know that you know what we all now know.

    Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I “revere” this post, and you’re the reason “My future is paved in gold now baby.” For real.

    Comment by bschooled | September 18, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks B that was the most ambiguously complimentary comment that I have ever received!! Allow me to save you the time and energy (and unreliability) of Wiki. At least for the three that you mentioned you were going to look up.

      Schrödinger’s cat was a newspaper comic strip that began in 1978 created by Jim Davis. You see he was this lovable but morbidly obese feline that carried on pretend conversations with his nerdy but affable owner Jon Stewart. What made the strip so long lasting and successful were such hilarious punch lines as, “I hate Mondays” and, “Mmmm lasagna.” Please excuse me as I’m still howling with unadulterated laughter. Ooh that gets me every time!

      Rob Blagojevich is a former mobster with the Lucchese crime family. He helped co-write the book on his life which was subsequently turned into a movie titled Goodfellas. What makes him so funny is that he was a piece of shit that ratted out all of his friends! It’s hilarious because he’s still a piece of shit. He just got caught running an ecstasy ring a few years ago. I just keep waiting for him to get wacked out but it just never happens. It’s like the exact opposite of a Wile E Coyote situation. Hahahaha.

      Ahmadinejad was a gay fashion designer who was tragically gunned down outside of his Miami mansion by rogue members of the Manson family after a 3 decade long acid trip. The poor guy was wearing a Banana Republic jacket the day he died and was subsequently buried in it. His sister now runs the clothing line.

      Well, I hope that I was at least as accurate and factual as Wikipedia would have been. In fact, I’m thinking of beginning my own online encyclopedia titled full-o-shitia. No, no, I’m just kidding, I freaking love Wiki. I’d be lost without it!
      Thanks B!!!!!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 18, 2009 | Reply

  5. First of all, that was the best reply to a comment ever!

    Second of all, I now feel a little foolish, seeing as I spent my entire Grade 7 year in a Schrodingers cat Limited-Edition Sweatshirt that revealed my Astrology sign (Aries, if you must know).

    Reverse Wile E. Coyote reference = brilliant

    So I guess this means I won’t be able to get Ahmadinejad’s fashion advice…

    And you’re right. Wiki does talk out of it’s ass a lot of the time (as do the people who post information on it), but it’s just that it’s so….well, convenient. But from now on, I’m getting my info from the Online Encyclopedia of Scott…(and I’ll only go to Wiki as a last resort)

    Comment by bschooled | September 18, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks B! More complimentary than ever!!

      That’s cool that you had a Schrödinger’s cat sweatshirt; I had a lunchbox at some point. The problem arose when (about half the time, and depending on my expectation) my lunch would completely disappear. There’s nothing like a missing PB&J to mess up your 3rd grade day.

      Poor old Wile E. I always wanted him to be ok, to make it. With Henry Hill Blagojevich, not so much.

      Wiki is actually getting a lot better. I guess there was a lawsuit (other than just the scientologists) where they published ‘How to build your own dirty bomb’ but it turned out that when you assembled the thing, it was your average groin mauler. I thank you for placing all of your on-line educational needs in my trusty hands.

      You’re the best B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 19, 2009 | Reply

  6. So funny! I was thinkin about the Ahmadinejad comment…looks like a “memebers only” jacket to me. Might be the only one left in circulation!

    Thanks for the Friday laugh!

    Hugs kiddo!

    Comment by Vicki | September 18, 2009 | Reply

    • It was the guy in the Members Only jacket that may or may not have killed Tony Soprano. I guess it depends on whether Schrödinger’s cat was in the bathroom at the time. Ahmadinejad has much better taste!
      Thanks Vicki!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 19, 2009 | Reply

  7. Eddie’s right 🙂

    Comment by nursemyra | September 18, 2009 | Reply

    • Those are certainly rules to live by. Especially when you’ve spent half of your career off of making fun of gay people.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 19, 2009 | Reply

  8. Nice work, Scott.

    Schrodinger’s cat. Awesome stuff. You just don’t see enough theoretical discussions being tossed about casually like punchlines these days.

    That poor cat. Constantly in two stares, unlike the Johnsons (from Wesport, CT? Gene says you went to school together?) whose ill-fated vacation led them to Four Corners, USA. Once there, they straddled (lovely word, isn’t it) the four states, only to discover that some merry pranksters (MIT students, not affiliated with Ken Kesey or his surviving Pranksters) had place an incredibly fast and powerful adhesive all over the historical marker.

    To this day, they are trapped in four states, fed only occasionally by other tourists and state park employees.

    Wiki-smaht link:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Corners_Monument

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | September 19, 2009 | Reply

    • I toyed with the idea of throwing in some of Hawking’s headier stuff but I ended up just confusing myself.

      I wonder what Neil Bohr would have to say about the Johnson’s? Sure I know Gene and the gang. It’s a shame because they went on and on about that planned vacation like it was a trip to the moon. Speaking of which, I had heard that Kesey did later show up and offer the family all sorts of hallucinogenics, which were accepted and consumed. For days afterward the family would yell at the top of thier lungs, “Hey, I’m calling from Utah, hehe,” “Yea well I can’t hear you because I’m all the way in New Mexico.” All followed by uproarious laughter. Ah, they always were a fun loving family. If you run into them please do give them my best!

      Thanks CLT, great comment!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 19, 2009 | Reply

  9. “Don’t worry! European cars corner much better than American cars.” – Princess Grace.

    Oh man, I’m such a terrible person. 😉

    Love your list dude. Especially love that you included Pontius Pilot. I never saw the “Jesus Chainsaw Massacre” by Mel Gibson, so I had know idea what he was thinking. haha

    Comment by Jay | September 19, 2009 | Reply

    • Haha, very nice Jay! Another one I hadn’t thought of. Yea that Mel Gibson is masterful in light hearted tales of glee and wonderment. I hear that he’s presently involved in a Disney animated film about the Bubonic plague of the 1300’s. It should be a real hoot!!!
      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 19, 2009 | Reply

  10. Love it. There’s that brain that you keep trying to ruin. If you aren’t going to take care of it, then send it to me for safekeeping and I will send it back when you learn to take care of it.

    Nice picture. Yes I keep saying it. I still mean it.

    And today, I like ending sentences in ‘it’.

    Damn it.

    Comment by Claire Collins | September 19, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Claire, but I’m not trying to ruin my brain you mad white women. Leading studies have shown that peyote, on occasion, is quite good for the psyche. Thanks for the compliment on my picture, that was taken during one of my many, many peyote trips in the desert.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 19, 2009 | Reply

  11. excellent!
    and thanks for including the explanations of exactly the ones I wasn’t sure of

    you’re good that way

    I wish everyone would embrace the truth the way you do

    Comment by dianne | September 19, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Dianne, I was trying to get most of the ones that kept people guessing over the years. Please let me know if you think of any others that I may be able to assist by giving insight into. It’s kind of my new thing now!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 19, 2009 | Reply

  12. Oh No! You burst my bubble!
    I am surprised they were thinking.

    Comment by The Juicer | September 19, 2009 | Reply

    • Oh yea, I believe that everybody is always thinking. Just not productively. Thanks Juicer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 20, 2009 | Reply

  13. I was sad to see that you didn’t let us know what you’re really thinking.

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | September 21, 2009 | Reply

    • I thought you always knew what I was really thinking anyway.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 22, 2009 | Reply

      • Oh I do, but I like to see it in print to check my answers.

        Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | September 28, 2009 | Reply

        • Ok, I’ll indulge you. I got up about 25 minutes ago and my very last thought was, “I wonder if I should make another coffee or take a shit first” And now you know ……the rest of the story.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 28, 2009 | Reply

  14. Just be glad that you don’t need the coffee in order to take a shit.

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | October 5, 2009 | Reply

    • Actually I kinda do. There isn’t anything going on until I have my first very strong coffee. It’s all instant over here, and I make it stronger than blow.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 5, 2009 | Reply

  15. Hey there Scott! Long time no semen. I mean..long time, no SEE, SEE..

    Ah, fuck it. How’s it going?

    The Nerd

    Comment by wordnerd45 | October 17, 2009 | Reply

    • Hey Word, it’s nice to see you! I was afraid that you got hacked to pieces by ‘the eye’ or seomthing. Glad you’re ok! Thanks for stopping by!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 18, 2009 | Reply

  16. just need to get on your email response list.

    Comment by wordnerd45 | October 17, 2009 | Reply

    • Yea do that, I love to show my work!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 18, 2009 | Reply

      • Don’t we all??

        No, the eye didn’t get to me. But I have been subjected to the hand as in, “What are we supposed to do? I don’t get it.”

        Such is life with middle school students.

        The Nerd.

        Comment by The Nerd | October 18, 2009 | Reply

        • Sorry it took me so long to get back to you, I have way too many irons in the fire. Still, you know you gotta watch out for ‘the eye’ yea?

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 20, 2009 | Reply

  17. “The eye”…well, you can always spit on me for good luck. I heard it’s a custom in Greece and Romania.

    Speaking of Romania, how are the gypsies? What’s the latest saga there?

    The Nerd

    Comment by wordnerd45 | October 21, 2009 | Reply

  18. I don’t know about Romania, but I’ve been to Greece and never been spit on, thank God. Gypsies are still the Gypsies, unfortunately. They’ve been a little quieter though, now that one of them accidentally set the church on fire. – Just kidding.

    You know, you can read and comment on my newest posts! You wouldn’t come back from a two month jury sequestering and not read the newest paper would you? You have to stay up to date on current events (and reality shows) you know!

    Thanks Word!

    Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2009 | Reply

  19. Uh, no DUH Scott.

    Whoops, sorry. I’m channeling my inner middle schooler right now.

    The Nerd

    Comment by wordnerd45 | October 21, 2009 | Reply

    • Does that have anything to do with your middle finger?

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 22, 2009 | Reply

  20. Depends on how MUCH of a middle schooler I choose to be right now.

    *tee hee*

    The Nerd

    Comment by wordnerd45 | October 22, 2009 | Reply

    • You don’t have to be a middle schooler to channel that gesture.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 23, 2009 | Reply

  21. Classic….hilarious! adding you to my list…

    Comment by docp226 | June 12, 2010 | Reply


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