Dumb, Dumber, Dead!

Allowing stupid people to die of natural causes

                                                                                                                                                     

For years I’ve been wondering why so many Americans have been arguing against evolution. I’ve finally come to a conclusion. It’s not the fault of the pandering, poser politicians. It’s not the fault of the quirky homeschooling parents who teach their children valuable social skills and life lessons which can only be learned at the kitchen table. It’s not even the fault of the televangelists who scream that if you believe in evolution, you can’t believe in God. No, the fault lies squarely on the shoulders of the trial lawyers who, because of winning frivolous lawsuit after frivolous lawsuit have circumnavigated Darwin’s theories. I’m not getting into the adaptation of species here, only re-making the point ‘only the strong shall survive.’ The natural order of things has been completely disrupted by the protection of the stupid by society as the direct result of the fear of lawsuits. Naturally people don’t believe in things that they see no evidence to support.  

As a result of this conclusion there is only one action that I can take. I’ve decided to put the world on my shoulders (once again) and become a superhero in my spare time. My alter ego’s name shall be DP Man. No, not double penetration either; I’m decidedly anti-fetish just lately. DP Man is short for Darwin’s Protector…..um…Man. I will gallantly serve mankind to ensure that the natural laws that he worked so diligently to recognize and explain are justly upheld. No more shall we wave the middle finger at common sense. It will be my duty and my passion to make certain that stupid people are no longer stolen from the clutching hands of fate. I’ve already made the costume and everything. Think red g-string over blue nylon. It suits me.  

From now on when I see a situation that goes against the very nature of natural selection, I’ll be there in a flash. A flash being as long as it takes me to pack, drive, catch a flight, rent a car, find a decent hotel, and eat an adequate dinner. Then after a short nap, I’ll really be there in a flash.

My plan is to go after the warning labels first. This idea first started last week as I was changing my sheets. I saw a tag on my mattress which stated (in Spanish) ‘Care should be used when smoking on this mattress or if the mattress is near a livened flame.’ As you can tell my Spanish really sucks, but I got the gist of it. I then looked around the house and found these tags under the couch and almost every chair. This got me to thinking that if people want to smoke while drifting off to sleep, or if they want to hold a flame under an upholstered couch to ‘see what happens,’ then who are we to stop them? So I will sneak into every home and remove these tags, thereby removing a few people from a gene pool that they have no right to contaminate.

Next I’ll go around with a gigantic bottle of whiteout to eradicate the warnings that coffee is indeed hot. If a beverage is served to you shooting steam out of the little sippy hole and you feel like you need a wake up, and so proceed to pour it over your head, then that’s all good. There will be much less chance of you mating, and subsequently procreating with third degree burns all over your face. I would proceed to rat poison. The rat poison manufacturer is making the assumption that the purchaser of their product can read. So they print the warning, “Do Not Eat.” I mean, if they can read, then they’ve already read the words Rat Poison on the label. If they have to then be told not to eat the Rat Poison, then they should die. WIN! I’ll then hit all the rest of the warning labels, from the top steps of ladders, to lighter fluid and household cleaners (but I’ll leave the Mr. Yuck stickers on for the tots.) The only thing I’m unsure about is the 5 gallon bucket and plastic bag warnings. I mean, if you allow your child to play with a half filled 5 gallon bucket; or as a matter of fact, if you have a random, half filled 5 gallon bucket in your home, should you really be having children?

DP Man would then knock out the PA systems in subway and train stations which warn everyone to ‘mind the gap’ and to ‘step away from moving vehicles.’ If that isn’t a natural instinct for you, then just do what feels right. DP Man would fight to make drugs legal, as well as free, and everyone would only get one shot at rehab. After that, we’d let nature take its course. If people knew that going in, they’d have a whole new perspective on ‘getting clean.’

                                                                                                                                                                      

                                                                                                                                                        

Obesity warnings, stop-smoking campaigns, and the ever popular “It Might Not Be a Good Idea to use Your Barbeque Grill Indoors Just Because It Got Really Windy Awareness Week” would all fall by the wayside.   

I’d leave most of the prescription drug warnings though. How else would I ever know not to handle that pill if I am, or may become pregnant? Or how would I know not to operate heavy machinery after taking an Oxy-Contin 80 and a Xanex? Just because I can’t get up off the floor doesn’t always mean that I can’t drive. So the prescription warnings will stay put.

I predict that it’ll take between 2 and 3 generations for nature to balance itself back out. In the interim I will do society yet another favor and add instructions for the anti-Mensas who haven’t yet been weeded out. I’ll add instructions to every pick and shovel purchased by every highway dept. on the planet. This will enable them all to do something besides leaning on them. I’ll add a quick note that it is possible for more than one person to work at the same time without disrupting the space-time continuum.

I would place a disclaimer at the beginning and end of every radio and TV show hosted by the lunatic fringe of the right and left, explaining that their beloved hosts are in fact entertainers whose salaries depend on ratings. I’d explain that they garner these ratings by making their audience’s frightened and angry. I’d go on to clarify that no one is trying to indoctrinate their children into anything, unless maybe they are the ones doing the indoctrinating. Well, possibly a rogue bible camp or two as well. Everyday I’d teach them the real meaning of a different word that they have been accustomed to tossing about so freely.

                                                                                                                                                        

 

Lastly, I would place instructions on the dashboard of every vehicle, telling the driver to pull over if the car begins to break down, and not just let it slow to a crawl until it eventually dies in the passing lane.

Please let me know if I missed anything that is close to your own heart, and DP Man will try to get on it. But I can’t be everywhere at once, so any help on your part would be greatly appreciated. I’m not arguing that Darwin was 100 percent correct on all of his theories, not at all. I’m only arguing that we should let the really stupid people die in really stupid, but hilariously entertaining ways. Remember, this is for our children’s children.