Zodi’s Blog

Warning Lines

Everyone should know the warning sings of beginning a relationship with an unstable or dangerous person; violent outbursts, drug dependency, letters from prison, etc, etc. Dr Phil has probably covered all that by now. I really don’t know, I can’t stand the smarmy, fat prick. But to my knowledge no one has ever covered the warning lines (sentences and phrases) that should put up a bright, red flag immediatly. Oh, and alarm bells should ring. And your life should flash before your eyes like a vacation slide show on crystal meth. So if you’re out on a date (especially a first date) and your date utters any of these statements or questions, just run like a crack whore who’s heard “Five-O.” Keep in mind that these are for the men as well as the ladies.

“I’ve had a tough year. I was a ‘person of interest’ in a homicide investigation.”

“You are the only person who ‘gets’ me.”

“Could you take a different route? I’m not supposed to be within 300ft of a school.”

“Do you have any Chore Boy at your house?”

                                                                                                                                                            Amy Winehouse 

“Do you have any Risperdal or Zyprexa on you?”

“I’m totally healthy; I haven’t had an outbreak in two months.”

“My Husband is doing a ten year bit upstate.”

“Are you ok white boy? Do you need some brown?”

“When we get in here, could you pretend that you’re my niece?”

“Have you ever had an 8-some?”

“Wow, you’re probably going to make hubby number 5!”

“What the fuck are you looking at?”

“Do you want a hit of this?”

“Why don’t I just show you my cock now, to get it out of the way.”

“Why don’t you just show me your penis now, to get it out of the way.”

“I’ve just changed my relationship status on Facebook from ‘single’ to ‘in a serious relationship!”

“What kind of health insurance do you have?”

“I hope you’ve packed. I’m taking you to Clearwater to meet my friends.”

                                                                                                                                            Tommy boy

 

“Kids this is Mark; but you need to call him daddy now.”

“So, writers must make a lot of money, huh?”

“Theoretically speaking, how would you respond to a wedding proposal on the first date?”

“Have you ever seen The Crying Game?”

“I’m only stripping so that I can put myself through GED class.”

“Wait until you see my lovenest.”

“I’m only staying at my mom’s until I can get back on my feet.”

“I gotta run in this house for a second. Keep the car doors locked and the windows up.”

“Do you have some baking soda, a glass bowl, and a microwave at your place?”

“Wait until you see my melon ball-her!”

“Have you ever heard of emetophilia?”

“What size dress do you wear…..12? Do you moisturize regularly?”

                                                                                                                                                                    Buffalo Bill 

“I’m S.C. Beringer. Maybe you’ve heard of me?”

“Do you want to hit a 12-step meeting and then grab some coffee and chat?”

“My name is Beth, but my friends call me Tweaker.”

“Say, out of curiosity; how old do you think that girl is?”

“I’m famous in my home town, I been on Springer twice.”

“Hang on, I just have to run in here and surrender my passport.”

“When we get to the party, make sure that you don’t make eye contact with any of my brothers.”

Following a knock at the door….

 

“I guess it’s time you meet the Gimp.”

“Oh my God! Hide in the closet. NOW!”

“Fuck. Shit. Oh my God. Fuck me.”

“You don’t happen to have five grand on you by chance?”

“Hurry, help me get this neck brace on.”

“Do you have a gun?”

“If that’s my parole officer, tell him I’m at work.”

“Have you ever heard of Troilism?”

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October 7, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

38 Comments »

  1. Ha! These are hilarious. I think I’ve been on a date with half the people on this list. And about 1/3 of these describe me. LOL

    “Wow, you’re probably going to make hubby number 5!” And daddy number 7! haha

    “I’m only stripping so that I can put myself through GED class.” Hey, that’s my dream girl! 😉

    Comment by Jay | October 7, 2009 | Reply

    • Can you provide any photos of the ones you dated as a public service? I can’t imagine which of these might describe you, but I haven’t seen you drunk. Then again, I haven’t seen myself drunk either.

      Good one with “and daddy #7” Oh, I can hook you up with about 90 of your dream girls if you want to meet in Pgh.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 7, 2009 | Reply

  2. Wow, I’m glad I didn’t have to go through the dating thing, I would of got sucked in for sure. Nah, back in my dating days in California we just traded the girls around. It was easy.

    Comment by Micky-T | October 7, 2009 | Reply

    • Was this the ‘free love’ that I heard so much about but never experienced for myself? California must be like the 1960’s.

      Thanks Micky-T!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 7, 2009 | Reply

  3. “Why don’t you show me your penis now, just get it out of the way.”

    If I ever date again, I’m SO going to use that one. 😉

    You crack me up.

    Comment by Candice | October 7, 2009 | Reply

    • Was that a Freudian slip when you said, “just get it out of the way” instead of “just to get it out of the way?” Hmmm. I’m happy that you are going to run with that line; I think it suits you.

      Amy Winehouse said I cracked her up too, but I think she had a different meaning.

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 7, 2009 | Reply

  4. HA!

    I covet all of these warning signs, Scott (though I probably should be heeding them, knowing the way I tend to be).In fact, I started listing off my favorites, but soon realized that I just can’t choose.

    I mean it’s obvious I would be partial to S.C. Beringer (especially after all he’s done for the world of Entertainment), but with statements that incorporate things like Facebook status updates, melon ball-hers, GED class, emetophilia, Tweakers and gimps, there’s no way I can narrow it down.

    In fact, with just a little modification, you could kill two birds with one stone, and turn many of these into “pick-up lines for the socially-inept”…

    -How’d you like to “get” me?

    -Can I buy you some brown?

    -Who’s your kids new daddy?

    -Your GED would look great framed neatly on my bedroom floor.

    -How about I take you home and really give you something to vomit over

    -I’m S.C. Beringer. Maybe you’ve heard of me? (this one works as is)

    -How would you like to earn an easy five-grand?

    Anyway, Scott. Your warning signs are stupendous, and if I had a nickel for every time a guy said “Why don’t I just show you my cock now, to get it out of the way” to me, well let’s just say I’d be writing this comment from my condo in the Maldives.

    Comment by bschooled | October 7, 2009 | Reply

    • I’m proud that you covet my warning lines. But remember what Kirk has told us about coveting; that it’s a sin. And I guess I committed a double sin by being proud of your coveting. I hope he doesn’t come around again and make me cut a pound of flesh from my torso. It’s a real bitch with my lean body mass and all.

      I’m also proud (shh) that you enjoyed the references. They love to be appreciated. Just a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day, some intimacy once a week or so, and they will always be there for you. I try to throw in a couple just for the Fab 3; but the other two must be melon ball-hering at the moment.

      I really love your idea to turn these into “pick up lines for the socially inept, and/or criminals/addicts leading lives of dysfunction.” Is that to long of a title? Too many /////’s? I smell a ‘The idiot’s guide’ book deal here. If they don’t bite I’m sure James Patterson will pick it up and use it to crank out a #1 bestseller using characters with no depth and short, easily readable chapters. Either way it’s yours. Just as long as I get a cut.

      And you’ll be happy to hear that I totally ‘get’ you. We’ll be sitting in that condo (I prefer a beach cottage) in the Maldives before you can say, “Shit, Kirk Cameron is coming and he looks PISSED!”

      Thanks B!!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2009 | Reply

      • Phew! I’m glad you noticed…

        At first, I looked at all of those ///s and I thought to myself, “How am I going to tell this guy (“this guy” being you, my faithful and lifelong business partner) that although his ideas are brilliant and his phrasal verb-usage phenomenal, he just drops one too many diagonal-line(?) bombs to be taken seriously?”

        (thankfully you’re also extremely cognizant, so I didn’t have to)

        As for Kirk, what do we care? You, me and your lean body mass are the ones who own the beach house!

        Comment by bschooled | October 8, 2009 | Reply

        • I couldn’t agree more, and I appreciate your tough love. I’ve decided to go cold turkey. No more slashes. See I won’t even make the symbol anymore. Also I got off of the much despised C-bombs. From now on it’s only F-bombs and my new favorite… idiom bombs. It’s the famed ‘Fountain of Wine’ this weekend and I’m going to be dropping that shit like it’s hot.

          I admit that I’m personally ascared of Kirk. He’s a lot like Maria in his relentless pursuit of terrorizing me. He’s even ascarier though because he truly feels that God is on his side. There is no reasoning with people like that. Also I think we (or should I say I) have managed to piss of James Patterson, Ricky Schroeder, S.C. Beringer, the Gimp, Dick Cheney, Ted fucking Turner, Clive fucking Cussler, the stalker (slash) serial killer guy –you know the one I mean, and made Maria even more bent on my destruction.

          Still, I think we’ll be okay in our secluded beach house in the Maldives. No one will even know we’re there!

          Thanks B!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 9, 2009 | Reply

  5. OMG! I’m on the floor! These are great Scott!!! You’re so funny and witty! Hugs

    Comment by Vicki | October 7, 2009 | Reply

    • You’re on the floor? Are you okay? Did you have too much brown? I strive for erudite and concise, but I’ll happily settle for funny and witty.

      Thanks Vicki, great to see you again!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2009 | Reply

      • My darling Scottster…you are all those things and more!

        Comment by Vicki | October 8, 2009 | Reply

        • Thanks Vicki, you’re giving me a big head!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 9, 2009 | Reply

  6. OMG — did you totally have me in mind when you wrote these? All because you knew I was going on a date this weekend, huh?

    Now, are these just the warning signs for the “first” date? What about the second date? Cause he told me that he loved me on the 2nd date……… yeah. The first date he got too trashed to form actual words. That should have been my clear sign.

    Comment by Tammie Shoemaker | October 7, 2009 | Reply

    • While you helped to inspire the idea with your upcoming date, I was thinking more about what I’d seen on ‘Cops’ (and in Sharpsburg) when writing it. I’d probably say these warnings should be heeded well into the 3’rd or 4th date.

      I hate to say it but not being able to form words on a first date is probably a really bad sign. I mean, what’s going to happen when he’s no longer trying to impress you? At least he loves you though.

      Thanks Tammie!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2009 | Reply

  7. “Risperdal? Of course. How many milligrams?”

    Comment by nursemyra | October 7, 2009 | Reply

    • You’d be a dream date for anyone Nursemyra; but especially someone who is trying very hard to not go into psychotic mode. So what else do you happen to have lying around the medicine cabinet? I may have to head in a south-easterly direction during my next holiday!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 9, 2009 | Reply

  8. i think i have heard some of those…scary huh…

    thanks for the advice….zman sends

    Comment by steve | October 7, 2009 | Reply

    • I think that we’ve all heard some of those at some point. There are wild oats to sow after all.

      Thanks Z-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2009 | Reply

  9. “So, writers must make a lot of money, huh?” Ha…That’s Funny.

    While it isn’t something one might want to hear, I have always used this as a pick up line:

    “Does this look infected?”

    Feel free to use it. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | October 8, 2009 | Reply

    • I thought that was one of the better ones myself, showcasing both greed and ignorance in the potential mate. So, was it infected? Did the pick up line work? Am I free to use the line, or the infection? This is all research you know.

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2009 | Reply

  10. hey Scott, I left a comment here yesterday – is it in your spam?

    Comment by nursemyra | October 8, 2009 | Reply

    • Sorry about that; it was in my spam. It must have been the offer of Risperdal.

      Thanks!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 9, 2009 | Reply

  11. Great stuff, Scott!

    Loving the “300 feet from a school” line. I think I’m going to use that during social events that I’m looking for a quick exit from.

    I could always follow it up with, “No, we’ve never met, but you may recognize me from the sign in my yard.”

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | October 9, 2009 | Reply

    • They are both great ideas, but if you don’t want to tarnish your sterling reputation I can tell you what has worked so well for me. Have an old fashioned handkerchief in your pocket with ketchup splattered liberally. Carry a bottle of water with you, and have a pouch of cigarette ash on you. Unless you still smoke, then it’s pretty handy to gather some ash. Anyway, when you want to go home and watch the game, just flick some water on your face and neck, spread some ash under your eyes, and pretend to cough and sneeze into the hanky. Then hold the hanky up, scream, “Oh my God,” and pretend to pass out. Once you can escape from the quarantine ward, you’re home free baby!!

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 9, 2009 | Reply

  12. Let’s go back to my place. This ankle bracelet thing beeps if I get too far away.

    Comment by Claire Collins | October 9, 2009 | Reply

    • Not only is that a good one that I hadn’t thought of; it’s one I’ve actually used myself for 18 months!

      Thanks Claire!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 9, 2009 | Reply

  13. I had an ex that was very good at lines. Of course, I got him by asking to borrow his lighter…I regretted that decision. As soon as I remember some of his (from over 10 years ago) I’ll enlighten you.

    Comment by suzettevaughn | October 10, 2009 | Reply

    • Why did you regret asking to borrow his lighter? I must be missing a pick up line, somewhere. I’ve never been one for pick-up lines unless you consider, “Fuck me if I’m wrong; but haven’t we met before?” a line. It doesn’t ever seem to go over too well though. You’ll have to tell me the lighter one.

      Thanks Suzettevaughn!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 10, 2009 | Reply

  14. holy crap! I adore you!!
    and that’s not a line

    this made me laugh and laugh

    as a single Mom I always got crazy when a guy would tell me – “your son really needs a male role model”

    Comment by dianne | October 11, 2009 | Reply

  15. Holy crap, I adore you too. I’m glad that you enjoyed it! I’d imagine that line would get pretty old, especially when coming from people who are probably shity role models.

    Thanks Dianne, it’s great to see you!!

    Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 11, 2009 | Reply

  16. Favorite? “Hurry, help me get this neck brace on.” Insurance fraud can really bring a relationship to a screeching hault.

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | October 12, 2009 | Reply

    • Or if you’re with the right gal, it can just bring you that much closer. Until you end up blackmailing and/or suing each other at least!!

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 12, 2009 | Reply

      • I hope to find someone in this world I care enough about and share a deep enough connection with to blackmail or sue.

        Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | October 19, 2009 | Reply

        • I’ve been blessed enough to find that magical connection twice. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 19, 2009 | Reply

  17. “To hell with my it! as of today, I am off my medications!”

    “You want to see something realllly scary?”

    “My sister says I’m a really good lay. Of course, it’s all relative”

    The Nerd

    Comment by wordnerd45 | October 21, 2009 | Reply

    • Yep, all ominous lines as well!

      Thanks Word!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 22, 2009 | Reply


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