Zodi’s Blog

Meet the Cast!

It’s finally time to introduce you to the cast of my newest and possibly best reality show ever. And it doesn’t include a single Gypsy. For these people ‘reality’ is a little bit of a fuzzy, maybe even non-existent line, but the show will fall into the reality genre nonetheless. Instead of using my overly descriptive, adjective heavy style of writing, I’ll let you get to know the inner-scramblings of their brains by their own words. 

Some of you may feel the urge to be sickened or even repulsed by their quotes (and life), but you need to fight that urge. God himself put these people on the planet for our, and presumably his own, entertainment and amusement. It would be a SIN NOT to use them to their hilarious potential. 

Remember, one of these people might be in the house next door to you right now praying, listening to Glenn Beck, cleaning their handguns, praying, crying, and most of all…..getting madder and madder. Once I get this show up and running they’ll be safely tucked away in a ‘studio home’ which will be much more ‘compound like’ in actuality. I left the spelling, grammar and punctuation as is so that you can really get to know them! The only thing I did add was quotation marks. Every quote was cut and pasted directly from Rapture Ready. So in their own words…………………  

  

  

Rapture

                                                                                                                                                      

 

 

— “That’s the beauty of Heaven… we can leave our brains behind.”

 

— “This is also why the hate crimes bill is so dangerous. It protects child molesters, AND if your child so much as turns down their own rape- they are guilty of a hate crime. If your child fights a rapist by scratching the face of their attacker- hate crime. Child molesters were qualified under this because their perversion towards childred is seen as sexual orientation. America is toast.”

 

— “There are three races, Jews, Gentiles and the Church.”

 

— “Nope, no vaccinations for my children. They are 3 & 4 and have never had more than the sniffles their entire life. I cover them with pray, rebuke the enemy and stand on God’s promises. And He has been faithful. Based on my research, vaccinations do more harm than good.
I think everyone should decide based on their own personal research and convictions. If a mom chooses to vaccinate, it’s her decision. I however, cannot, in good conscience, subject my children to this poison.”

 

— “Last night, I almost threw myself on the floor and BEGGED Jesus to come back. I really was near to pitching a hissy fit. I WANNA GO HOME! ”

 

 — “Meeee too meeee too! It’s so hard to even climb out of bed in the morning knowing I have to face antoher day. I get to a point, seriously get to a point, when I start to wonder if it’s going to happen…at all…ever! Then I calm down and know in my heart that the Word of God is true.”

 

— “I think baldness is related to having a haughty spirit or arrogance.”

 

— “If you watched Glen Beck today and saw the end of the show when he was almost in tears…..
What exactly did he mean when he said it was time for us to make hard choices and take our country back?”

 

— “Where I come from (Asia), if a leader is deliberately taking the country in the wrong direction, he’d be warned one then twice… If he still chooses to not listen to the people who elected him, then the people will go to this leader and make sure that they are heard on the spot. If the leader gets cocky, the people will bring him out and deal with him accordingly…
Not putting any words here or anything.. But sometimes when words don’t make a difference anymore, then force becomes a necessity.
I guess force is what GB is proposing.. Although he wouldn’t be able to say that on the TV without being arrested and charged.
Just saying…”  Me- This guy’s location….Toronto. 

 

— “I say we agree to trade all the captive Muslims including the ones in GITMO, and pull all of our people out of Iraq and Afghanistan. Then we all put on some real strong sun block and turn the other cheek… (facing away from the bright flash) If they run shoot ’em. They are terrorists. If the don’t run shoot ’em; they are just well disciplined terrorists…”

 

— “vampires dont exist??
there are satanic sects out there that drink blood-human and animal\isnt that a definition of vampire-oce u take out the supernatural out -liek the flying abilities which could possible be tru because the enemy does have power of his own that he gives to his seerrvants!”

 

— “So Sodom and Gomorrah didn’t deserve what happened to them?”

 

— “Forcing a wife to have sex is not rape as her body already belongs to her husband.”

 

— “Regardless of the Bible[, you condemn slavery]? Do you then advocate making our ‘moral sense’ authoritative rather than the Bible?”

 
— “Ok, the other day I purchased a batman action figure toy with blue tint wings and the cool shoot em up things that go with. My 6 year old son was having a great time playing and came over to me to show off the toy. A couple of times I was looking at it and thought to myself how for some reason the toy reminded me of a demon, especially with the wings, and started to kind of wonder about these super hero toys being sold. I didn’t say anything but a few minutes lator my son (who accepted Christ when he was 41/2) came up to me and said, “Mom, doesn’t this toy look like a demon? It’s just wrong, I don’t want to have this toy because it’s actually a demon. It’s just wrong!”

 

— “I am sure you have noticed how terrible the news is. I get on-line to see the daily news and it is terrible. I have some old newspapers from the 60’s and the news was very very calm compared to what it is now. I wonder how bad it will get before Jesus comes and rescues us from all of this?”

 

— “Oh I hope He does come soon. This world is going down the toilet so fast. I know I shouldn’t fear, and I don’t for myself, but I have a wife and 8 year old son. It’s them that I don’t want harm to come to. I just can’t imagine what would happen if they showed up at our doors and said it’s time to go to the “camp”. With how many times I’ve written our congressman, written letters to the editor for our paper, belonging to multiple Christian and political websites as well as being an elder at our church, I’m sure I’m already red flagged. Well, at least I know my eternal security regardless what happens, and therein lies my hope and joy, that I will forever be with the Lord! But even so, come Lord Jesus, come! Right now would be good.”

 

— “I’ll take God’s book over my brain & think power any day!!”

 

— “I have always been afraid of Muslims. I remember the last time I flew (in ’89 I think) I was on the plane and 2 men were sitting I think across the aisle talking in a foreign language. I was terrified that they were hijackers, and I was almost in tears the whole flight. In retrospect I think they may have been speaking French. But it was so scary for me at the time….”

 

— “Question. I am a saved person..I die and am an organ doner..eyes, liver, heart, lungs..you name it if they can use it they do..
my organs go into unsaved people..
The rapture happens..do my saved organs fly out of the unsaved people who are using them?..
With the thread on one of these boards (can’t remember which one) speaking of saved skeletons disappearing in Biology classes all over the world..I’m beginning to see the rapture in ways I never thought of before..”

 

 ME-This was about Obama making a speech to school children..

— “Is it bad that I just want to cry? I seriously just want to go home. I’m so sick of Satan coming after our children!!!”

 

— “Beware of any reports of ‘human type’ life being discovered in space. At its worse, it will be a lie. At its best, it will be demon related in some way.”

 

— “Earth Day is part of the environmental/green movement which ultimately is a worship of nature. Christians should have nothing to do with this. That is not to say we should not try to be good stewards, but the environmental movement is ultimately anti-christ.”

 

— “In an unrelated note. I always carry a few nuts and bolts at amusement parks. after we get locked in the ride and start to move, I hold up a few of them and say to the person next to me look what just fell out of this thing. It is a great witnessing tool. Everytime I did that the person next to me started praying.”

 

Me- This thread was about why women dress so provocatively now……..

— “My answer to this is that they are trying desperately to fill a hole in which only Christ can fill.” -Me……um????

 

“I don’t plan on going back to college anyway because everyone there is a Christian-hating communist. I don’t like to be places where I am not wanted. I’ll just be homeless or end up in prison. I don’t really care at this point.” 

 

— “I think it is unfair to say people in their 20-40s are clueless. I am 29 years old, my husband is 35. I am extremely well informed on current world events and the evils of our President. Mostly thanks to rapture ready news, Rush, and Mike Savage.”

 

— “The septic system is just another invention and if it was needed God himself would have placed it on earth when he created all things that humans needed to live. All the inventions ever made do not improve apon Gods work as you can not improve perfection.”

 

— “I know as Christians we have to deal with a lot of evil in this world and we are never going to be totally sheltered from it, but to me homosexuality is one of the WORST evils out there because it is overpowering everything and it is being shoved down our throats left and right.” Me- maybe Frued was on to something after all.

 

Me- And one of my all time favorites from one of the stars of my new show…….

— “I have a one-hour commute daily and usually use my cruise control on the freeway. Lately, I have been thinking that if the rapture occurs (come quickly Lord Jesus) while I am driving, having my cruise control on may cause a non-believers death. Am I thinking too much, or should I use my right foot instead of the cruise control? Has anyone else thought of this?”

 

 

 I swear to God that I didn’t make any of those up. If your interested in reading more for yourself just google RR BB and hit the first thing that comes up. (Rapture Ready). Please do not attempt to contact them or steal my show idea. I called ‘dibsies’ first. Once I get these quirky characters into a controlled/video ready environment I promise you that hilarity will indeed ensue. Stay tuned, on Friday I will reveal the reality show that is finally going to bring me Bruckheimer money!

Advertisements

October 20, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

46 Comments »

  1. I was in line behind one of these types at the DMV the other day, and she just went on and on with the clerk, who seemed to be agreeing. Frightening stuff

    Comment by davis | October 20, 2009 | Reply

    • The DMV would be a very logical place for these people to be found. She was probably handing out ‘literature’ on the dangers of cruise control.

      Thanks Davis!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2009 | Reply

  2. I saw a documentary that a guy did, by going into small town diners around the country and asking if anyone in town wore a toupee? There always was and the crew would hunt him down and try to get an interview. It was a scream I tell ya. They were happy to talk about it.

    If you went around small towns in the Bible Belt asking for peoples thoughts on the Rapture, I’m sure you could come up with a very entertaining documentary. You know like, what are their plans for the rapture?
    …Rapture Ready Reality in America…

    Comment by Micky-T | October 20, 2009 | Reply

    • Micky that’s a great idea, but I already have my plans for the reality show. I can’t reveal them until the big press release on Friday. Plus, I’m really afraid of the bible belt.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2009 | Reply

  3. “My answer to this is that they are trying desperately to fill a hole in which only Christ can fill.” -Me……um????

    LMAO

    That’s what she said.

    Comment by Candice | October 20, 2009 | Reply

    • I found so many unintended double entendres and cases of sexual innuendo on almost every thread. These people are repressing some deep shit. I love that’s what she said!

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2009 | Reply

  4. “– “Forcing a wife to have sex is not rape as her body already belongs to her husband.”

    Basically this person is just paraphrasing Mike “Wives should submit gracefully to their husbands” Huckabee.

    This would be a pretty fascinating, yet frightening show. Those people scare the hell outta me.

    Comment by Jay | October 20, 2009 | Reply

    • Yea, they scare the shit out of me too Jay. If one of them wins the presidency, I’m never coming back. Or if I’m there, I’ll be on a raft paddling towards Cuba. The US has been controlled by these people for way too long. The only other examples of national censorship and regulation based on religion are in (very) Muslim countries. This shit will make the best TV ever though!

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2009 | Reply

  5. I’m not sure whether to sleep with my Bible tonight or burn it before I go to bed.. This here is scary stuff.. sho nuf!
    I lived in Alabama for 13 years so I’m somewhat jaded but this is over the top!

    Comment by delicate flower | October 20, 2009 | Reply

    • Both? If Palin ever gets close again, and make no mistake, she can…….it will be these people with thier fingers on the ‘bright flash maker’ button.

      I’d imagine in Alabama you had more than your share of friendly neighbors who are about to be made famous by my show!

      It’s great to see you again DF!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2009 | Reply

      • There used to be a radio spot, A Golden Moment with Haskell Sparks.. the first one I heard, within my first month of moving there.. was something like, “the world will be right when women go back home where they belong..”
        Scared the crap out of me, I used to get tearful returning to Alabama after visits with the family over vacations. I’m happy to say I was, for the most part, unscathed by the experience.

        Comment by delicate flower | October 21, 2009 | Reply

        • Haskell Sparks……Oh my God, if I met a guy anywhere, anytime with that name I’d just start running. But in the Deep South or the Bible belt, I guess that name either guarantees you a radio show or a gig as a monster truck driver.

          If you keep reading that site, I’m sure you will find that and worse. I want more people to know about this. Seriously, isn’t there something in the bible about ‘once you expose darkness to the light it cannot survive?’ Or maybe that’s was Shakespeare, I’m not really too sure. I’m so glad you got outta there.

          Thanks DF!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 22, 2009 | Reply

  6. Are you kidding me???

    I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I’ve never even heard of “Rapture Ready” before. This has just taken my life to a whole new level of “What the fuck…”

    So, just out of curiousity, how does someone sign up for this? Because to be honest, I’ve always thought that male pattern baldness was a sign of arrogance. Narcissism, even.

    I showed my co-worker this post, and she showed me a site called “Fundies say the Darndest things” http://www.fstdt.com/Top100.aspx

    (Between the two, I have something to keep me occupied at work for the next week or so)

    How did I never come across this before?

    That’s what I get for hyperfocusing on cameltoe eradication.

    Comment by bschooled | October 21, 2009 | Reply

    • Be very careful B. Once I found this shit, I became obsessed with trying to understand how these people can even exist. I signed up and asked polite questions like, “What’s with all the hate; I thought Jesus was all about the love?” But they’d always keep kicking me off. I finally learned to fuck with them in earnest by pretending to be one of them. I used the same spelling and grammatical patterns that they used. I told them I was a true Christian but was sleeping with my sister, and had ‘impergernated’ her. (We lived in West Virginia) Oh, they loved me, LOVED ME, until one of them figured me out when I asked too many complicated questions.

      I also love FSTDT and use it as a reference guide to Rapture Ready, but the other sites that they feature aren’t nearly as good. These RR people are the real McCoy. I know I can count on you to be on my production team? Bruckheimer money!!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2009 | Reply

      • I forgot to tell you; if you go on there, the four best sections are Christian Chat, Breaking News…., Prophesy and…., and End Time Politics! If you do sign up, you need to first create and use a fake email….and please mother of God, let me know your screenname and I’ll join in the fun!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2009 | Reply

        • Hahaha!

          I love how you say “I asked polite questions…”

          Really, that’s a given. I mean based on your interviews with Rose, I really couldn’t imagine you asking questions any other way. You just don’t have it in you.

          You were so close, Scott. So close and yet so far.

          Anyway, I don’t think I have ever been so fascinated/horrified in my entire life. It’s a whole world of hypocrisy I had no idea even existed. I swear, sometimes I feel like I grew up living under a rock.

          Then again, that wouldn’t explain how I know about terms like “donkey punch” and “dirty sanchez”…(not based on personal experience, mind you)

          I am totally on your team. I shall get started as soon as I can come up with a God-Approved avatar.

          Comment by bschooled | October 21, 2009 | Reply

          • I can’t believe that I forgot to put this link up… https://zodiblog.wordpress.com/2009/05/07/scarier-than-paula-abdul-on-phetanyl/ This was the first post I did on them; check it out. They really do seriously bother me. Maybe with the reality show and you going undercover we can get to the cool aid before they do!
            I have to quit reading after 10 minutes usually because I get so mad! My payback is coming baby, and it’s going to be rapturous!!

            I’ve done both the dirty sanchez and the donkey punch! They were fun dances that Hot Lips Houlihan used to make me do before she’d beat me! Why didn’t you do it? You seem like you’d be a terrific dancer!

            Your avatar….Bschooled in Christ or B-homeschooled! What do you think?

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2009 | Reply

  7. I wish these lines were all figments of your wonderfully twisted and ironic mind
    but alas they are true and that scares the crap out of me!!

    how did this get so bad so fast!?

    I wonder if they could be convinced that there’s an island out there where you can get an early boarding pass for the Rapture
    I’d love to see them all flock there!

    Let’s give them Staten Island, that way I could visit and give them someone to pray for

    Comment by dianne | October 21, 2009 | Reply

    • Believe me, I wish I had made this all up too. In all reality, with some of the shit they write about Obama, they have to be being watched or monitored by someone. These ‘Christians’ are starting to get more and more threatening everyday. And they LOVE their guns; there are huge threads on guns and ammunition.

      Staten Island isn’t a bad idea for my show; I’ll have to consider it. Although I prefer them to be placed much further from civilization. Like a tiny island off of Fiji!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2009 | Reply

      • I think you should “tell” them you’re heading to Staten Island, but then detour over to Fire Island. That outta teach them to put faith in the Lord’s direction…

        Comment by wordnerd45 | October 21, 2009 | Reply

  8. Scott, you’re trying to angry up my blood by proxy and I won’t have it!

    Good fucking god, whereever the fuck he is, must be thrilled that his followers would rather use faith than brains to get through life. No wonder he’s on the horn day and night with them. One would hope that their involuntary reflexes never decide to start sharing the workload with the rest of their nervous system. The amount of people expiring from failure of God to propel their lungs and heart would chock the streets (well, certain streets anyway) with the righteous dead.

    Great quotes, Scott. Well, great in a truly horrible sort of way. Let’s just be happy that people who think like this aren’t in the position to affect the lives of millions.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | October 21, 2009 | Reply

    • *choke

      would choke the streets…

      the hell with it. Unforced error – CLT

      Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | October 21, 2009 | Reply

      • The streets would be chocked full of the choking people who are now trying to drink air and breathe water? -It works for me. The error is erased from your stats. You’re still up for the golden glove!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2009 | Reply

    • I personally believe that if Jesus did exist, he was much more in line with a Buddhist type of view. Basically, find the world within yourself, love as much as possible, live in the moment, and make your own reality better. But I guess I’m an evil heathen. From what I’ve ever gathered from the bible, I can’t see where these people find all this hate? Then again, I’m no expert.

      I think there are more of them out there than we know of. I hope they don’t get close to being able to affect the lives of millions. But if McCain ran a better, smarter campaign, Palin would be #2 right now. Think about that!

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2009 | Reply

  9. I have already met your cast, Scot. I am surrounded by them; they press against me as I go about my daily business in rural Colorado. My theory is that the world has become one big reality program, which is to say there is no reality to found any longer.

    Comment by Bill Reed | October 21, 2009 | Reply

    • Nice to see you Bill. They press against you? They’re not trying to shove anything down your throat are they? I think rural anywhere in the US has an overpopulation of these people. It’s like the native tribes in South America still living the jungle life. If you aren’t around the evolution of society, then you still hold to strange superstition and customs. But I wouldn’t mind living with a native Brazilian tribe. That would be cooler than hell. I’d probably stay there forever.

      Thanks Bill!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2009 | Reply

  10. how utterly depressing to think that people like this exist…

    Comment by nursemyra | October 21, 2009 | Reply

    • Well, I hope to be able to turn your frown upside down with my reality show. It is utterly insane though. Not only that they exist, but that they exist and even prosper in a civilized country.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2009 | Reply

  11. Seriously…I cannot believe that people like this actually exist.

    It would be funny if it weren’t so sad.

    Comment by Candy | October 21, 2009 | Reply

    • I couldn’t believe that they existed either until I found them. It’s amazing how far down the rabbit hole actually goes. I am going to try my damndest to make it funny though. Maybe even reform a few of them.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2009 | Reply

  12. I’m off to check out this RR BB thing…How in the world did you discover this? (Did Jesus lead you to them?)

    Comment by wordnerd45 | October 21, 2009 | Reply

    • Hit on the hyperlink that I left in the reply to Bschooled’s comment above. I was looking for blog material, and somehow stumbled upon them in my search for scary/freaky/religious nuts. From there I went on to find FSTDT, but that site has mostly the worst. I try to get to the ‘meat’ of their fucking insanity.

      Thanks Word!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 22, 2009 | Reply

  13. Ha. I love this stuff, and it’s informative. I now know that my baldness was due to my arrogance and that it is God’s will that we shit and piss where we stand. Excellent. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | October 22, 2009 | Reply

    • I thought you would like this one. You’ll love the next one! Remember: inventions are evil…

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 22, 2009 | Reply

  14. I’m wondering if I know the person who asked about cruise control. It’s amazing that some people find find their way from their mother’s womb.

    Comment by suzettevaughn | October 23, 2009 | Reply

    • Haha, I love that line! I’m going to have to pilfer it sometime!

      Thanks Suzette!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 23, 2009 | Reply

  15. […] Ready Reality Now that you’ve met the cast it’s time to introduce you to the show itself. I’m not just blowing my own trumpet of the […]

    Pingback by Rapture Ready Reality « Zodi’s Blog | October 23, 2009 | Reply

  16. Wow. – “I know as Christians we have to deal with a lot of evil in this world and we are never going to be totally sheltered from it, but to me homosexuality is one of the WORST evils out there because it is overpowering everything and it is being shoved down our throats left and right.” Me- maybe Frued was on to something after all.

    Wow

    yeah… that’s it.. wow.

    I’m so glad I don’t have to wait for the next part of the series.

    Comment by Claire Collins | October 25, 2009 | Reply

  17. I shaved my entire body and can now proudly say, “I’m rapture ready”! This is just the kind of clut I’ve been looking for since I missed the last mothership. Thanks for the help!

    Brother Rooster

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | October 26, 2009 | Reply

    • Do you know how hard it is for me (literally) to not do all of the things I’d like to do to your pretty little ‘clut’ typo. Haahaahaha.The kind of clut you’ve been looking for. Hahahahah. Ok, I’m done.

      I don’t think you had to shave all of your body hair to go, although a few members would probably like to oil you up. I guess as long as you keep the clut nicely trimmed, you’ll be good to go! I’m sorry, you can’t blame me. I have the maturity of an 8 year old.

      Thanks Brother Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 26, 2009 | Reply

      • Typo?!?!?

        CLUT Charitable Lead Unitrust

        Jeez… what were you thinking?

        Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | November 3, 2009 | Reply

        • Wow, look at where my mind is at. Sorry. Keep up the good philanthropy!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 3, 2009 | Reply

  18. great great post, some absolute quality stupidty there. i particularly like the one about the panic-striken person on the plance with a couple of frenchmen. nice.

    Comment by timmyd | October 28, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Tim, it’s great to see you over here. You have to read the next one as well, about the show itself. Are you starting a blog? You definitely should!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 28, 2009 | Reply


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: