Zodi’s Blog

Ok, So I’m Broke and Homeless

I’ve been reading a fantastic book by Timothy Ferriss called ‘The 4-Hour Work Week.’ I knew it was for me when I read the title. I’ve never seen a book that so perfectly epitomized my dedication to gainful employment. Ferriss asks you to examine and write out the worst case scenario if you lost everything (financially) in pursuit of your loftiest dreams. The purpose of this exercise is to prove that once your fears are clearly defined, they are much easier to deal with.

Fears

Does not suit me

                                                                                                                                                                   

As horrible as it sounds, even the dire prospect of financial ruin holds a romantic appeal to me. Then again, I’ve always had a romantic/hobo-ish nature. Even so, I would hope that I’d be able to see the shit-storm coming right before it hit the proverbial fan and be thus able to escape with at least a few bucks.

This is where it gets fun in my fantasies. First the Brazilian and the Swede start slow dancing… Sorry, wrong fantasy. Ok, first I’d use Priceline.com to find the cheapest airfare and fly my poor ass to Costa Rica. Once there, I’d buy a bunch of used or ‘found’ surf boards, find a piece of cardboard, borrow a magic marker, and start my very own surf school. Since I’d be the least shifty looking of the available local instructors, all the tourists would flock to me.

costa rica 140

Paradise suits me perfectly

                                                                                                                                                                      

I’d have all of my students lock their valuables in my safely padlocked and hidden beer cooler. If I ‘lost’ any students (it happens often in CR) due to riptide, shark attack, or because I forgot about them while catching a killer wave in, then that would only improve my bottom line. I’d build a shelter out of my surfboards and palm fronds every night and sleep like a baby who’s drank 17 cheap Central American beers. I’d only ever have to buy my first beer in the local tourist bars. After I began recounting tales of fortune followed by misfortune, followed by multiple surfing tragedies where I’d lost all of my students on a single day, I’m pretty sure drinks would be on whoever I was talking to. My legend would grow. Everyday I’d enjoy fish cooked on an open fire, along with a medley of fresh fruits pilfered from the trees.

When surf was down, I’d lead tourists on expeditions into Manuel Antonio National Park, pointing out the sloths, toucans, dart frogs, and monkeys. I’d also be protecting them from the monkeys, since I have a way with monkeys. I would collect a fee and some very generous tips. Within months I’d open an office and cater to wealthy Americans looking for the adventure of a lifetime in the wilds of Costa Rica. In two years I’d be flush again, and everything would be back to normal. Except the dead tourists would probably still be dead. 

If for some insane reason none of that worked out, I’d have plenty of other options to survive and/or prosper………

– Go to India. Become a slumdog millionaire.

– Kill Kato Kaelin. Take over his life.

– Find a celebrity who has a posse opening for a witty sidekick. Be willing to bust a cap in an ass. Or cut a bitch.

– Become Tim Gunn’s pool boy.

Tim Gunn

A shitty job

                                                                                                                                                               

– Marry Elizabeth Taylor.

– Write a book about positive thinking using New Age techniques and pretending to use quantum theory. That shit works man.

– Charge to help people become ‘rapture ready.’

– Open a pet rescue service for people who are waiting for the rapture. All fees to be paid up-front.

–  Move to the UK. Find a girl, any girl, and get her pregnant. We’ll get a house, free food, and a monthly stipend to be used on necessities like beer and cigarettes.   

– Adopt Leona Helmsley’s dog.

– Crash wedding receptions, wakes, bar mitzvahs, and Shriners parties for free food and alcohol. And to make friends. 

– Sell Paris Hilton coke. Blackmail Paris Hilton.

– Have sex with Tom Cruise. Blackmail Tom Cruise.

– Write a book about adolescent vampires.

– Find Raymond Babbitt, Ben Mezrich, or Will Hunting. Go to Vegas. 

– Get on Big Brother. Write an e-book about how to get on Big Brother.

-Get a job as Ellen DeGeneres’s official strap-on.

Ellen

A nice, steady job

                                                                                                                                              

– Bet against the Pirates, the Lions, the Raiders, and the Clippers. Repeat as necessary.

– Reread Catch Me if You Can and Matchstick Men. Become a con artist.

– Buy a Ronald Reagan mask, rob banks, and become an adrenaline junkie. Follow the endless summer. 

– Run a Ponzi scheme on other derelicts.

– Move in with illegal immigrants and teach them English in exchange for a spot on the floor and a nightly meal.

– Write a book about an adolescent sorcerer.

– Offer to kill the ‘I’m a Mac’ guy for Bill Gates.

– Move to Boston. Accuse a priest of molesting me. Settle out of court.

– Move to St. Pete Florida and buy a tent.

– Get a job as Lindsay Lohan’s ‘keeper.’

Lindsay

An exciting job

                                                                                                                                                         

– Write a book about how to become a successful bum.

– Go on Oprah and tell my story.

See, everything will work out just fine!

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October 29, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

41 Comments »

  1. Your creative mind is positively brilliant.

    BTW- the whole Catholic church scandal started in my sleepy little church, in my sleepy little town. I know a few people, I could hook you up with a job and you could stay with me until you hit paydirt. shouldn’t take too long, eh?

    Comment by Candy | October 29, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks for the amazing compliment! Since, I’m not yet broke; I don’t have to hit on that particular plan yet. But now you’ve brought a new idea into my mind! Either a documentary, or a TV mini-series about ‘where it all began.’ And I could still sleep on your couch! That’s incredible that it all stemmed from your sleepy little town. I’m surprised that you haven’t had film crews sniffing around yet. Or have you?

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 30, 2009 | Reply

  2. You have a lot of brilliant ideas. In fact, they’re so good that I think I could steal a couple of them and it wouldn’t hurt your bottom line.

    “As horrible as it sounds, even the dire prospect of financial ruin holds a romantic appeal to me.”

    Of course it does. How are you to become a great, yet tormented writer unless that happens? Oh sure, some people get to be born into family wealth, but they don’t get to be writers. They have to be newspaper columnists. See: Carlson, Tucker or Kristol, Bill.

    I think a four hour work week would be awesome. I think I would work from 11 til Noon on Monday through Thursday. I’d start right after Gilmore Girls on ABC Family was over and be done in time to watch Rachael Ray on Food Network.

    Comment by Jay | October 29, 2009 | Reply

    • Jay, feel free to use what you can. There are plenty of cash cows out there for people who have an ounce of intelligence, street smarts, and a convenient lack of ethics!

      Actually it’s already happened to me. First I grew up kind of poor, then built myself a very comfortable life, then I had a really bad divorce and ended up losing everything, then moved to Florida and rebuilt a nice life. Now Spain, then maybe Costa Rica? You gotta live right?

      You have to check out the book, it has some really good ideas, and methods for increasing productivity and efficiency no matter what you’re doing.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 30, 2009 | Reply

  3. I’d love to get in on helping those lovely folks be rapture ready, anything I could do to speed them on their way

    and I’ll take their pets

    Comment by dianne | October 29, 2009 | Reply

    • Would you also like to be on my ‘pet rescue team?’ We’ll be there to look after their pets after they get raptured. We’re looking for ‘paid volunteers’ in every city.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 30, 2009 | Reply

  4. If someone has to have sex with Tom Cruise, I’d rather it was you than me

    Comment by nursemyra | October 29, 2009 | Reply

    • Thankfully no one has to except poor Katie Holmes.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 30, 2009 | Reply

  5. Great post, Scott.

    My advice?

    Combine the fun of being Ellen’s go-to apparatus with the freakiness of banging everyone’s favorite Keebler Elf: Tom Cruise.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | October 30, 2009 | Reply

    • Now that sounds like one of the deleted scenes from Eyes Wide Shut. I wonder if it would gain me favor with Lord Xeno?

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 30, 2009 | Reply

  6. Hey! I’M Ellen’s official strap-on already. Back it up, bud!

    Comment by Candice | October 30, 2009 | Reply

    • Sorry, I had no idea. If you’re getting at all bored, maybe you can handle my light work..ie Cruise, and I’ll take over your gig. You know; it’ll be like trying on a new, comfy pair of shoes.

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 30, 2009 | Reply

  7. Bravo Scott! That creative mind of yours is definitely working overtime. (Must be the peyote I sent?).

    I too, have similar dreams. Although I have yet to spend any significant length of time in Costa Rica, my dream of living in Nicaragua and getting paid to be a translator for rich old tourists who are too lazy to get off the tour bus still lives on.

    However if that doesn’t pan out, you’ve given me some other ideas…

    – Go to Bolivia. Become a millonario perro de tugurios* (translation of the word ‘slum’ courtesy of Babelfish)

    – Revive Kato Kaelin’s career. Take a 30% cut.

    – Cut a bitch.

    – Become Rosie O’Donnell’s pool girl.

    – Marry Elizabeth Taylor.

    – Charge the ‘rapture ready’ to become ‘rapture readier’

    – Move to the UK. Find a guy, any guy, and get him pregnant. We’ll get a house, free food, and our own reality show.

    – Find Jessica Simpson’s dog.

    – Sleep with Shriners for free food and alcohol. And to make connections.

    – Take pics of Tom Cruise in his high-heel runners. Blackmail Tom Cruise.

    – Become an adolescent vampire.

    – Buy a Nancy Reagan mask, rob banks, and become an adrenaline junkie. Follow the endless summer.

    – Become an adolescent sorcerer.

    – Rob Peter to pay Paul

    – Change my name to Paul

    Comment by bschooled | October 30, 2009 | Reply

    • See this is why I always say, “You…..complete me.” Not only was that hilarious, but also very practical. Working together, we can do twice the damage. This is fucking beautiful! So combining both of our wonderfully nefarious schemes….

      While you’re in Bolivia becoming millonario perro de tugurios, be sure to make a lot of friends with the locals. When I get back from India we’ll start exporting their number one domestic product! I already have the cigarette boats and everything!

      We could combine 2 and 3 by cutting 30% of Kato. He’s used to that sort of thing anyway.

      If you’re Rosie’s pool girl and I’m Tim Gunn’s pool boy, we could come up with a deadly concoction of pool chemicals and take them both out. House party!!

      We could move to the UK and get each other pregnant. It would make for a heluva show with all those hormones.

      I think Rosie already found and ate Jessica dog. Sorry.

      You sleep with the Shriners, I’ll make friends with them, and in no time we’ll be running that shit. Wait… I’m not sure I want to run ‘that shit.’

      You can take pics of Tom in his fuck-me pumps while I’m …doing my thing, and we’ll be able to double up on the blackmail loot.

      And I’ll write about you. And take pictures.

      With you as Nancy and me as Ron, there’ll be no stopping us! We’ll convince everyone to give us all their money and promise to trickle some back down to them! We’ll be like Dick and Jane, or Sid and Nancy, or Ron and Nancy!!

      I’ll write about you. And videotape you.

      I’ll rob Mark to pay Luke. And change my name to Luke. Then we’ll have all the Gospels and thus the Catholic Church right where we want them!

      This is going to be so cool. I’m already working out a way to become broke and homeless to speed things along!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 30, 2009 | Reply

      • Sounds great!

        I can’t wait until we tell this story to our future children (same parents, different wombs)…they’re going to tell everyone they have the coolest parents ever!

        And let’s face it, that’s the only reason why anyone bothers having kids to begin with…

        Anyway, you start on the writing, Scott. I’ll work on the videotaping/taking pictures of myself, just to speed up the process even more.

        I can’t wait until you see the video…it’s hilarious!

        I mean, seriously…zany antics at work much?

        Comment by bschooled | October 30, 2009 | Reply

        • Wait, do you mean when we tell our children in the future, or our future children? I don’t know how many more children our collective wombs can hold. I’m already starting to feel like Michelle Duggar. I sure hope our kids think we’re the coolest ever. Ah, if not we’ll just make up stories to make em think so!

          I’ve already started on the writing. In the first chapter you’re forced to kill two evil twins who were living in a dilapidated house in the middle of the woods with their mother’s corpse in a walk-in freezer in the basement. It starts off with a bang!

          I can’t wait to see your zany antics at work! Just try not to get us sued.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 30, 2009 | Reply

  8. I’m not sure which I find more creepy – that you “have a way with monkeys” or that the tourists keep flocking to you for surfing lessons even after hearing you regaling the people in the bar about losing all your students/customers in tragic drowning incidents.

    You have some very promising alternatives however.

    Comment by David | October 30, 2009 | Reply

    • Oh I definitely have a way with monkeys; I barely even have to buy them appetizers before its ‘go’ time. And by ‘go’ time, I mean before they start hissing and hurling feces at my customers.

      The tourists would still flock to me because all of the other surf instructors look like they’ll kill you before you ever even hit the water. Plus they’ll think I’m cool under pressure since I’ve been through it all before. AND, they’d think, ‘How much bad luck could one guy have?’

      Thanks David, it’s nice to see you again!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 30, 2009 | Reply

  9. You sir, need to learn how to sail. Then you have your own boat(home)and you charter to high paying guests that want to experience the coast of Costa Rica. That is the REAL way to be a successful bum. Trust me I know!

    Comment by Micky-T | October 30, 2009 | Reply

    • It’s really strange Micky, I’ve always loved water and loved boats, but have never sailed a day in my life. Is it because you have to go fast when Columbian officials and the DEA are on your ass? Only partly. I’d love to learn to sail. Maybe you can teach me? If you can get to Spain, we could do a Mediterranean trip to Italy!

      Thanks in advance Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 30, 2009 | Reply

      • Are you sure your not a rich guy pretending to be poor? Come on….’fess up, just send me a fricken ticket and let’s get this bum show on the road. I’ll pick us out a nice boat, maybe a catamaran, big and roomy and the girls won’t have to put up with all the *leaning over* that generally goes along with sailing.

        Comment by Micky-T | October 30, 2009 | Reply

        • Haha, I didn’t know that I was pretending to be poor? No, I grew up pretty poor. Just your average urban ghetto boy. Then I made some things happen and had a comfortable life. Then I lost it all, and I mean it all. Then I started over and got a some of it back. Now here I am. I’ll be rich soon though. Then I’ll enlist your skills to pick out a boat!

          Growing up in Pittsburgh though (3 rivers) I was on or around boats all my life. And I’m a pisces so I fucking love agua.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 30, 2009 | Reply

          • Many a poor man went to sea, and lived a rich life.
            But I’m not sure if there was ever anybody from Pittsburgh. Ha Ha Ha
            I never sailed a boat until I was in my thirty’s. It sure did change my life and attitude for the better.

            Comment by Micky-T | October 30, 2009 | Reply

  10. Hi Scott. Thanks for your comments over on my blog. You have a wonderful sense of humour and great writing skills.

    Comment by Reb | October 31, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks, I appreciate your kind words! I think you rock as well. We’ll have to visit each other more often!

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 31, 2009 | Reply

  11. Scott sounds like you have really thought this out..wish I could be as creative as you really need some ideas like that for myself!

    Comment by Terri | October 31, 2009 | Reply

    • You’re very welcome to any of those ideas that you think you can use. I probably need to think some of these things through a little more thoroughly though. It’s never a good idea to go off half-cocked and homeless. Haha. Thanks for coming by!

      Thanks Terri!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 31, 2009 | Reply

  12. I have handmade sign that says, “Will work for angel pasta and cappuccino.”

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | October 31, 2009 | Reply

    • Sounds about right to me!

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 1, 2009 | Reply

  13. HAPPY HALLOWEEN

    Comment by PURPLE HATTER | November 1, 2009 | Reply

    • Haha, thanks Purple Hatter!

      Happy Halloween to you too!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 1, 2009 | Reply

      • SCOTT IF YOU ENJOYED THAT ONE THIS ONE WILL SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF YOU……………..

        Comment by PURPLE HATTER | November 1, 2009 | Reply

        • WHOOOOOOOOPS BAD LINK TRY THIS ONE

          Comment by PURPLE HATTER | November 1, 2009 | Reply

          • Wow, you’re loaded up with these freaky videos, aren’t you?
            Funny stuff!

            Thanks Purple Hatter!!

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 2, 2009 | Reply

  14. Maybe you should get a ridiculous haircut, marry Jon Gosslin, have a litter of kids, exploit them on national television, abuse your dogs, and then become Jewish. You’d be tabloid fodder!

    Comment by Pammy Girl | November 2, 2009 | Reply

    • That’s one of the best idea’s ever! I’ve always dreampt of being tabloid fodder, and you’ve just given me my meal ticket!

      Thanks Pammy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 2, 2009 | Reply

  15. What is this, “way with monkeys” that you speak of?

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | November 3, 2009 | Reply

    • They sense a kinship with me. They listen to me. They obey me. I am The Lord of the Monkeys! Why, if I had enough monkeys, I’ll bet I could overthrow world governments.

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 3, 2009 | Reply

  16. Move to India and find your monkey army!

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | November 9, 2009 | Reply

    • First Africa, cause I’m already right here, then central and south America, then India and parts of Asia……. I’m slowly building a powerful primate army. World domination will begin soon………….

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 9, 2009 | Reply


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