Zodi’s Blog

Pope VS Alien

Rev. Jose Funes, an astronomer and the director of the Vatican Observatory held a press conference on Tuesday to discuss the results of a week long study investigating the possibilities of life on other planets. The Catholic Church called in astronomers, physicists, biologists, exorcists and other experts to discuss the probability and implications of alien life.

                                                                                                                                                               vatican6

“The questions of life’s origins and of whether life exists elsewhere in the universe are very suitable and deserve series consideration.” Funes went on to say, “We really screwed the pooch on the whole ‘Bruno debacle’ and wanted to make up for it.” He was referring to an ‘oopsie moment’ when Giordano Bruno was burned at the stake for suggesting the possibility of alien life.  

 Thirty scientists including both priests and can-get-laidmen, gathered to debate the scientific facts. An expert within the group who wishes to remain anonymous stated, “If there is indeed alien life, it will have many philosophical and theological implications such as, ‘how do we turn them into faithful Catholics, and guilt them out of some cash, jewels, heavy metals, or any other assets they may be sitting on?”

The Catholic Church has seen a steep drop in membership as many faithful are dying out. Church officials were extremely disappointed with the results of their recent push to draft free agents from the Anglicans. The ones that did sign up “refuse to let us whet our beaks, even a little” said one Parish Priest.  

Another speaker at the conference, Chris Impey said that it was “freaking amazing that the Vatican would throw their money and weight behind this thing.” He went on to say, “There is a rich middle ground for dialogue between the practitioners of astrobiology and those who seek to understand the meaning of our existence in a biological universe.” He also mentioned the probability of finding alien life within the next few years.

                                                                                                                                                                          Aliens

                                                                                                                                      

With the discovery of thirty-two new planets outside our solar system, the chances of finding ET’s are increasing everyday. In an unfortunately worded statement, Papal officials said that they didn’t want to be caught with their pants down on this one. The Catholic Church has a long history of finding itself behind the eight-ball when it comes to science. In 1633 they tried Galileo as a heretic and made him ‘take back’ his finding that the earth revolves around the sun. Church teaching at the time insisted that the universe revolved around the earth. In breaking news…. Fox has just released a statement opposing science, stating their belief that the universe instead revolves around the Untied States.

The Vatican now also openly endorses scientific theories such as the Big Bang and admits the possibility of evolution. Another church official released a statement saying, “We want the public to know that this is a new, modern, hip institution. Just as the Republican Party has elected a black man as their chairman, we ourselves are undergoing an exciting change of attitude and a social transformation.” Adding, “So what’s up bitches?”

Theories abound as to the true nature of this latest crusade. Some skeptics believe that this is simply an attempt to lure the younger men generation into the open arms of the church. Others believe that this is a ‘dick move’ to be the first in line to buy inter-galactic real-estate. –The Catholic Church is currently the largest landowning organization on earth.

A personal assistant to the pope admitted that Benedict XVI is ‘bugging out’ about this, hoping that the aliens will be able to further ‘pimp’ his pope-mobile.

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Creationists, intelligent designers, and especially fundamentalist Christians were up in arms (literally) over this conference. Rapture Ready founder Todd Strandberg said, “We’ll see who’s laughing when we are on the Magic Jesus Elevator™ and you filthy Catholics are suffering the tribulation.” He then went on to say, “Nana-na-nana..” After Vatican official responded with, “We’re rubber and you’re glue, everything you say……” I gave up.

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November 12, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

26 Comments »

  1. This just in: Despite repeated aerodynamic overhauls, the popemobile still gets dismal results in wind tunnel testing, and has yet to be accepted into the NASCAR fold along with extreme truck racing and beer coolers. The NHRA continues to show interest, however, but only if the pope himself is visible within the viewing chamber, and if “that bitch leans back and gets air under those front tires.”

    Just keeping you informed; Great post, Scott! Glad I’m a Buddhist (seasonal).

    Comment by Dan McGinley | November 12, 2009 | Reply

    • Haha that would be just about the only NASCAR race I’d watch. It would be enthralling….wait, what happens if that bitch leans back and gets air under the tires? …The fucking thing flies, doesn’t it? I knew it.

      I don’t like to classify myself, but if I had to it would be a mix of Buddhist/Christian. I personally think that a lot of the good things that Christ taught got buried by men with agendas. If you’ve ever read any of the Gospels that didn’t make the final cut, they’re filled with Eastern style spirituality.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 12, 2009 | Reply

  2. can get laid men!!!
    I love all the little gems I find within the body of your posts

    as for the Catholic Church – I think their restraining order against me is still in effect so I have to be careful

    Comment by dianne | November 12, 2009 | Reply

    • I can always count on you to notice the little details I throw in for my friends. If you have a restraining order from the Catholic Church, you’re going to have to move to China to stay a couple hundred feet away. They’re everywhere, always watching, always listening, always plotting…..

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 12, 2009 | Reply

  3. I’m going with the “dick move” theory

    Comment by nursemyra | November 12, 2009 | Reply

    • I had a feeling you would. I am also leaning towards a dick move. Most of their moves are dick moves after all.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 12, 2009 | Reply

  4. “Theories abound as to the true nature of this latest crusade. Some skeptics believe that this is simply an attempt to lure the younger men generation into the open arms of the church. Others believe that this is a ‘dick move’ to be the first in line to buy inter-galactic real-estate. –The Catholic Church is currently the largest landowning organization on earth.”

    OMG I’m dying!! The coffee hit the screen! This was fantastic writing Scott!

    I should print this one out and frame it for my desk . . . considering I work for a Catholic organization and haven’t stepped foot in one since the ceilings started to crack the fire was coming up through the floors.

    Comment by tlwshoemaker | November 13, 2009 | Reply

    • I think you should print it out and frame it for your desk; I doubt that my writing has ever received such an honor. The good news is that since you work for a Catholic organization you’ll have first dips on all the new recipes the aliens will have when they finally make contact. How to serve mankind indeed.

      Thanks Tammie!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 13, 2009 | Reply

  5. Every time the Catholic Church gets an inter-galactic being to join the church, they also register him to vote in Chicago. It’s a win-win.

    Comment by Jay | November 13, 2009 | Reply

    • You’re telling me that the Catholic Church has ties to Acorn? I thought most stringent Catholics were RNC people. Although, I guess technically, I’m a catholic so I’m not sure.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 13, 2009 | Reply

  6. Hahaha! I’m laughing to hard to comment…

    I started giggling at “screw the pooch”, and by the time I got to the universe revolving around the United States and “so what’s up bithces?”, I was in the fetal position. (And not in a good way.)

    I can’t even try to comment on this one.

    (But trust me, once I find out what exactly an Anglican is, I’ll be back.)

    Comment by bschooled | November 13, 2009 | Reply

    • I’m glad you appreciate my sick humor B! I didn’t know that it was ever a bad thing to go into the fetal position. It’s always worked for me. Sure I prefer ‘missionary’ or ‘the triple helix’ but the fetal position is always a good standby.

      I can’t wait for when you come back armed with the knowledge of the Anglican.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 13, 2009 | Reply

  7. Hmmm kind of funny to the catholic church and the Vatican discussing this subject….oh but wait…with aliens comes more parishners…….

    I know you are alien life but the church does not support same sex alien marriage or contraception (wait do you fornicate)……and no father flynn did not touch your sons orb….please park your craft across the street he have our bake sale tomorow…….no the vatican does not condone alien abortion i dont care if you have a litter of 33….you alien children must attend catachism for you to come here……..just a few things come to mind….zman sends

    Comment by steve | November 13, 2009 | Reply

    • Those were funny Steve, wish I would have thought of them. The Catholics are so strict over here they wont even get their pets spayed. They’d rather kill the puppies or kittens. I of course end up saving them and working my ass off to find them a home. You gotta love religion. Happy Anniversary by the way!

      Thanks Steve!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 13, 2009 | Reply

  8. Damn, Scott. Where to begin?

    I started catching up on your blog and started laughing so hard my wife became concerned, then told me to find a damn job, then burrowed some money and left to spend, so everything worked perfectly. The eighties were good to me.

    The whole Catholic thing is a killer. True story: The last priest to talk to me (at my older brother’s post deacon swear-in, or whatever the hell they call it), slapped me hard across the face.

    Twice.

    I just kept smiling and shrugged, because he was about eighty and hit like a girl. I had simply joked about never attending mass because the holy water would boil, etc., etc., and he got all torqued out of shape. Plus, beating and elderly priest to death at my brother’s gig would’ve sucked.

    I mailed him an “Attaboy Smiling Jesus”, like in the movie “Dogma”.

    Spread the love, mi amigo. Those twisted druids drive me nuts. They can spot my evil black aura miles away.

    Comment by Dan McGinley | November 13, 2009 | Reply

    • I have a feeling that the 80’s were good to you in the same kind of way that the 90’s were good to me. Oh, if I could only tell those stories….

      I would’ve rather got slapped in the face twice than pinched on the ass once by the dirty druids. I don’t think beating him to death at your brother’s gig would’ve sucked, I think it would have been awesome. But the consequences would suck. I hate when people are mad at me.

      Thanks brother, I’ll keep spreading the love until it’s as thin as thin as Whitney Houston after a crack binge.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 13, 2009 | Reply

  9. I heard the Funes also said, “In another move to help get the Catholic in the 21st century, we are now asking our priests to stop having sex with children. We hope this will be more attractive to moderates who found the whole pedophilia thing a bit off-putting.

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | November 13, 2009 | Reply

    • Yea, it is a bit odd that so many people have negative feelings about pedophilia. It gets hard to please all of the people, all of the time.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 14, 2009 | Reply

      • So true, Scott…so damn true.

        Comment by bschooled | November 14, 2009 | Reply

  10. Why is this so difficult to understand friends? The Catholic Church is almighty and all knowing. The self-righteous have lived comfortably in their own reality for generations. Whenever forced to justify their biblical bull-sh*! against science, they simply have a “Catechism” and all is well. Please read more fun facts at http://CatholicsSuck.com

    Comment by catholicssuck | November 14, 2009 | Reply

    • Interesting site, thanks for the comment!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 14, 2009 | Reply

  11. Excellent post, Scott. Filled with Catholics, spacemen and very funny stuff.

    It’s odd how hard these aging religions are angling for a few more benchwarmers to fill the collection plates. I think they blew it when they failed to keep the rules the same for thousands of years.

    Take other major religions, who still wage outdated holy wars and torture their own people for not toeing the line. Or religions so ingrained in the fabric of life that no one can even fathom trying out something new, like the Church of Universal Truth or Dianetics.

    Pimped-out Popemobile or no, the Catholics have a long hard battle ahead of them. I think more people are getting used to the idea that a religion can be enjoyed as an “alternate lifestyle” or for twice-a-year visits during certain holidays.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | November 14, 2009 | Reply

    • They blew it when they failed to keep the rules the same, as well as all of that collateral damage from the ‘Crusades incident(s)’

      I figure since their push for the Anglicans turned out so poorly, they might as well try to go after some of the Scientologists. I know it would make for some terrific blog material, and be entertaining as hell. Cruise VS Benedict XVI: This Time its Blood.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 14, 2009 | Reply

  12. I once met a guy who told me aliens had “jumped start man’s brain” and that “reverse engineering parts stripped from downed alien spacecraft” is what gave us the microprocessor and hordes of other technology. That man was in fact Julius Christ, Jesus’ half brother. Love that “Beamer”. You could get like four strippers in there. Talk about pimpin’…

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | November 16, 2009 | Reply

  13. Out a priest today, it’s free and fun! – http://catholicssuck.wordpress.com/2009/11/19/out-your-priest-help-end-the-cycle-of-spiritual-abuse/

    Comment by CS | November 19, 2009 | Reply


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