Zodi’s Blog

Gods of the 21st Century

Meet the immortals

 

This started out as an idea for a post, but after meeting these immortals myself, I’m thinking of turning this into a series. I like the idea, and I need some stability in my life for once. I’ll still do some of my other stuff, but I’m curious to see where these Gods will take us. I’m hoping that together we will get to know these immortals much more intimately through the coming months. So in no particular order (except maybe alphabetical)……

Ashtonisis- (formerly Hermes) The God of twitter, sitcoms, well played marriages, mischief and practical jokes. He is the messenger between the Gods and the people, provided that the messages are 140 characters or less. He lives to trick and deceive mortals and immortals alike. He is wed to a mystical cougar that will appear in a few cameos. His symbols are the smirk, a little bluebird, maniacal laughter (which he uses to cause confusion) and police sirens.

Barackus- (formerly Zeus) The supreme God of the immortals and of the earth, he rules with a silver tongue and a calm, if maybe a little bit passive-aggressive demeanor. He is loved by some and loathed by others, but he invokes a strong emotion in almost all. His symbols are a donkey, an ‘end-o-the-world’ button and a cigarette. He has a direct line to every other immortal, and wields his influence at will. He is the brother to Cheneyticus and Cruiseus, and father to Palinicus, Tyras and Westicus.

Brangelina- (formerly Aphrodite) The hermaphrodite God of love, lust, and beauty. This is by far the prettiest fucking God you will ever see. Brangelina has taken Cheneyticus as a lover in the past but the 2 (or 3?) are currently feuding. Brangelina is an expert at seducing the world with sex, money and charm. It’s symbols are an Ethiopian baby, a vial of blood, and soap.

Cheneyticus- (formerly Ares) God of war, bloodshed, security, mumbling and scowling. He is one of the most feared and powerful God’s on high. He is the arch enemy and nemesis of Barackus, and has many nefarious plans brewing. His symbols are a shotgun, a man sized safe, pixilation and sealed lips. He is brother to Cruiseus and Barackus. He is also affectionately known as The Puppet Master.   

Cruiseus- (formerly Hades) God of the underworld, magic and wealth. He is an arrogant, somewhat delusional short man with a Napoleon complex. He demands and receives fierce loyalty and cash offerings from his minions. Certainly one of the more disturbing Gods, his symbols include catch phrases, tighty whities, a secret decoder ring, and a gold sheathed, signed original of Dianetics. Brother to Barackus and Cheneyticus. 

Duggarus- (formerly Hera) Goddess of fertility, childbirth and marriage. After annoying Barackus by preaching abstinence only education, she was cursed with an overly horny husband (second marriage) and a super-womb. She now has 19 children (all fledgling Gods) and counting. Her symbols are a giant vagina, an ex-d out condom, a forced smile and big hair.  

Heffneus- (formerly Dionysus) God of wine, entertaining, media, merriment, madness and blondes. Among the new Gods this immortal is ancient, but still embodies good times, luxurious living and decadence. He has a firm handshake and a constant erection. His symbols are a silk bathrobe, living human trophies and a Crunk Cup.

Olympus Julius- (formerly Thanatos) God of death and physical comedy. Despite being known as death personified with a murderous bent, he is actually quite lovable and friendly. He gets along very well with the other Gods and most mortals. He has a kind heart, and once took in Phelpius for over a year when he was going through some personal issues. OJ’s symbols are black leather gloves, a scythe, and a white bronco (the horse, not the SUV).

Palina- (formerly Athena) Goddess of warfare, fools and naïveté. Yet another enemy of Barackus despite the fact that she sprung from his head in full Neiman Marcus armor. Those that love her, adore her with passion, those that don’t like her still adore her for her MILF-ishness and entertaining interview gaffs. Her symbols are a sash, binoculars and a talking wolf’s head.

Phelpius- (formerly Poseidon) God of water, competition and stoners. The bastard son of Barackus, he is a constant thorn in the leader’s side. With a fun loving nature and a devil may care attitude, he just wants to have a good time at any opportunity. He looks to Heffneus as his hero, and can usually be found at his realm. His symbols are gold and a golden bong, which he uses to win favor and influence with mortals and Gods alike.

Tyras- (formerly Artemis) Goddess of the hunt, fierceness and the moon. She is the protector of young, beautiful women everywhere. Fantastically, she is still a virgin and has a winning personality. Her symbols are a camera, magic hair and lingerie. She uses her amazing eyes and breasts to hypnotize those she wishes to influence. She is the twin sister of Westicus and she has Barackus’ attentive ear.

Westicus- (formerly Apollo) God of prophesy, hip-hop and poetry. He is well known for his arrogance and was cursed with a debilitating social disease which forces him to say or do whatever pops into his brain. Twin brother of Tyras. His symbols are magic sunglasses, leather, two mirrors and a microphone.

* Any resemblance to actual persons is unintended, coincidental, and slightly ironic.

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November 18, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

37 Comments »

  1. Very extremly cool. (Is that enough adjectives?) Loved this!

    Comment by Pamela Villars | November 19, 2009 | Reply

    • Pamela, it’s great to see you again! Thanks. I’m a very adjective heavy writer myself. I’m happy that you enjoyed this; I’m going to try to run with it.

      Thanks Pamela!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 19, 2009 | Reply

  2. These are awesome Zodi, they seem like people I know.

    I once wrote a story that contained a reference to Fatiopia, who is the goddess of snack foods and occassional yard work.

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | November 19, 2009 | Reply

    • I should start using Zodi again; it seems more fitting just lately. I love Fatiopia, I may have to borrow her in a future post. Cheneyticus or even Duggarus may need to call on her eventually.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 19, 2009 | Reply

  3. Westicus and I quote…

    “I’m sorry, but Barackus had one of the best Nobel Peace Prizes of all time, you friggin Zeus bags!”

    Comment by frigginloon | November 19, 2009 | Reply

    • Oh Westicus will be a country often heard from. He’s one of my favorites because he has so much to say.

      Thanks Frigginloon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 19, 2009 | Reply

  4. you can throw Tyras my way. she sounds like fun

    Comment by nursemyra | November 19, 2009 | Reply

    • I know, I wish I could have her for myself. I could stare into her eyes for eternity. For Realz.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 19, 2009 | Reply

  5. a reality show on the realm of mythology
    brilliant!!

    there are so many cross marketing opportunites
    Project Runway can design togas for them
    Flipping Out can renovate their clouds

    good Lord -the History Chanel can have Immortals Week

    my gods and goddesses – you’re a fucking genius

    Comment by dianne | November 19, 2009 | Reply

    • Your kind words are making my head swell. I hadn’t even thought of the reality show idea. My humble plans were limited to a long running blog, then a book, then a major motion picture. I’m just not sure who I could ever find to fill those roles….

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 19, 2009 | Reply

  6. I think this will make a fine series. Your reference to “Ashtonisis” made me think that you may also wish to consider including Demigods.

    Comment by Donald Mills | November 19, 2009 | Reply

    • It’s surprising to me as well that Ashtonisis is a God. He is a fledgling, but still a full-fledged God. I just wonder how many shoes he had to shine to get that honor. And we both know that I’m not talking about shoe polish and leather. Well, maybe a little leather.

      Thanks Don!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 19, 2009 | Reply

  7. I don’t know how you do it, Scott, but your Reality Show ideas are the money shots. (Just so you know, ‘money shots’ is “B’s Term O’ The Day”…I’ve used it at work twice already, but so far all I’ve gotten is a dirty look and a blank stare. Damn Engineers)

    For some reason I’m really drawn to Phelpius, but then again, I’ve always been a sucker for a “devil may care” attitude.

    BTW, you should probably tell Don that although his idea makes sense, unfortunately there’s already a Reality Show about Demigods in the works. Or at least thats the Rumer…

    Great stuff Scott. From now on I will call you Brilliantius..eus…cus?

    Something like that.

    Comment by bschooled | November 19, 2009 | Reply

    • I just googled money shot. Oh damn, I was way off about what that meant. I thought it was like “say cheese.” No wonder I keep getting slapped with hands and lawsuits. I did read that it was great for your complexion though. And I thought that a pearl necklace was just a pearl necklace. What the hell is this world coming to?

      I guess I could try to set you up with Phelpius, but you may have to take up habitual marijuana use…. Great comment as always!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 20, 2009 | Reply

      • Trust me, Scott…Money shots are great for your complexion or my name isn’t B “Flawless Complexion” Schooled.

        I couldn’t tell you about the pearl necklace, I’ve never had one before. But maybe this Christmas Santa will be good to me…

        (fingers crossed!)

        Comment by bschooled | November 20, 2009 | Reply

        • I’m going to have to start calling you BFC/BFF.

          And I can absolutely guarantee that if you ask nicely then Santa, will be sure to give you a pearl necklace. You just have to be careful that it’s a good Santa and not one of those department store homeless/alcoholic Santa’s, or the necklace might not be of the quality you desire.

          Thanks BFC/BFF!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 21, 2009 | Reply

  8. Oh my various gods. That’s fucking great stuff, Scott. ROFLs all over the place, which caused me to be rushed to the ER with a pencil in my mouth.

    Two notes:

    I preferred Barackus’ work with the A-Team. He wore so much gold with so much flair and suffered nary a fool.

    I also preferred Brangelina back when she was still Braniston.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | November 20, 2009 | Reply

    • True story; when I was in fifth grade I was running with a pencil, slammed into the side of a desk, and impaled my thigh. It was fucking gruesome. No stitches though.

      “Suffered nary a fool” is my favorite line of the whole post, and I didn’t even write it. I may have Barackus use it as a catch phrase. It’s just that good.

      For some reason Anniston never really did it for me. After Jolie played Gia, I became forever smitten. I’ve always had a ‘thing’ for heroin addicts, as you know.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 20, 2009 | Reply

  9. Can I be Tyras? I love the idea of having a camera , magic hair and lingerie! Actually , now that I think about it, Shipra would be a good fit for Tyras!! OK. I’ll be Brangelina!!
    Anyway, I think you should write a play!

    Pamela was right….”very extremely cool”!!!

    Hugs kiddo!

    Comment by Vicki | November 20, 2009 | Reply

    • You can both be Tyras as long as you bring the fierceness. Remember H to T. Be Fierce and Smize. Ok, I watch way too much Top Model…..

      Who knows what this thing may turn into, but a play is certainly within the realm of possibilities.

      Thank Vicki!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 20, 2009 | Reply

      • Yesss! Haha! Vicki is probably both Tyras and Brangelina…a dual personality that invokes much awe and following of the Other World…BraTy!!

        I am quite in awe myself Scott- this is a brilliant post! What the hell is going on in that head of yours?

        Comment by The Juicer | November 25, 2009 | Reply

  10. Phelpius has won the hearts of my family in Sicily. They never knew “to bong is to win”

    Comment by Micky-T | November 20, 2009 | Reply

    • Haha, my Italian relatives definitely know that ‘to bong is to win,’ that’s for sure.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 20, 2009 | Reply

  11. Where to start? It’s like trying to pay homage to a great artist, still living, with both ears intact.

    This cast of characters definately inhabited several exclusive parties back in the eighties, and I recognized some familiar faces; but this is no time for another flashback.

    There’s so many quotables, it’s unbelievable. I agree that there’s a massive media market for this, and at the very least, a gothic novel or comic book creation would kill.

    Okay, “. . . despite the fact that she sprung from his head in full Neiman Marcus armor.” – Had to be quoted, like learning guitar riffs of a Jimi Hendrix song just to travel the same creative road.

    Unbelievable . . . keep going, brother. You’re in the zone!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | November 20, 2009 | Reply

    • Wow, I’m gushing from all this. I suddenly feel like cutting off my ear and mailing it to you. Jimmy Hendrix even. The only thing that kept me from licking his couch when I was in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was my ex wife. I still think it would’ve produced the trip of a lifetime.

      Dude, if you partied with Heff in the 80’s, you are seriously my fucking hero!

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 20, 2009 | Reply

  12. Brilliant! Can’t wait to see where this all goes.

    Comment by Reb | November 20, 2009 | Reply

    • I’m very curious, and even a little nervous of where this may lead. If only I had some control of it…

      Always great to see you!
      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 21, 2009 | Reply

  13. I would’ve licked the damn couch! SPECTACULAR writing.

    Comment by invasive1 | November 20, 2009 | Reply

    • I thought that you would enjoy that one.

      Thanks Invasive1!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 21, 2009 | Reply

  14. […] you haven’t read Gods of the 21st Century you’ll have to before reading this. You can read it here. Otherwise you won’t know who these people are, unless you’re like a genius or something. On to […]

    Pingback by Party at Heff’s « Zodi’s Blog | November 21, 2009 | Reply

  15. When we were studying Greek Mythology at Lynn Trade High (NOT)……..
    It must have been when I was passed out on downers sitting on a lowered drill press table that was stuffed in behind a surface grinder that they had that class. I missed all the good stuff like what your talking about.

    Comment by Micky-T | November 22, 2009 | Reply

    • Haha, that’s some funny shit, passed out on a drill press….
      I’m sure you know who I’m talking about in real life anyway.
      You don’t really need to know the original myths, but if you’re curious here’s a link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Greek_mythological_figures

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 22, 2009 | Reply

      • Oh, I get it alright. We’re surrounded by Gods unto themselves.

        Comment by Micky-T | November 22, 2009 | Reply

        • It’s part that, and part me finding celebrities who fit those old myths. I was looking for something I could run for a little while, and have fun with…

          Thanks Micky!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 22, 2009 | Reply

  16. Makes me want to gorge and purge then join an orgy with a pile of adolescent boys. It’s all Greek to me.

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | November 23, 2009 | Reply

    • It’s really all about the gorging and puking and pedophilia isn’t it? Great comment!

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 23, 2009 | Reply

  17. […] If you don’t know these characters yet, where have you been? You can find out who they are here. In the last episode, Heffneus threw a party for the Gods during which OJ cut off a mortal’s […]

    Pingback by Revenge of the Gods « Zodi’s Blog | November 25, 2009 | Reply


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