Zodi’s Blog

Party at Heff’s

If you haven’t read Gods of the 21st Century you’ll have to before reading this. You can read it here. Otherwise you won’t know who these people are, unless you’re like a genius or something. On to our story…

                                                                                                                                                          

The Gods are all gathered at the palatial, earthly estate of Heffneus to celebrate the fact that they are Gods. Many mortal but beautiful humans are also present. The women are wearing rabbit ears and not much else and enjoying fun games of volleyball, naked pillow fights, and ‘oil me up and I’ll rub you down’ activities. Heffneus greets all of his male guests with a bottle of Dom and a long Cohiba cigar. As is customary, he greets all of his female guests with a long awkward hug. There was a stiff moment of silence as he embraced Brangelina and woke the slumbering Brad, resulting in a brief, but unmistakable swordfight before Heffneus backed away with a flourish of red robe and indignity.

Ashtonisis immediately began tweeting, ‘Party @ Heff’s, everyGods here. Just saw Heff + Brangelina swordfight. LMAO. So awesome!’

As Barackus began chiming his coke spoon against his champaign glass, Tyras sidled up to the great leader, flashed him a smile of brilliance and said, “You’re so fierce. Be FIERCE.” After Barackus was able to begrudgingly pull his gaze from her perfect, shimmering breasts, he cleared his throat, frowned, found his teleprompter and began, “Gods and Goddesses, we are here today to celebrate…..” He was interrupted by a loud, resounding….SHLOP…  followed by ten seconds of utter silence before “Oh God damn it OJ. What the fuck is the matter with you? Are you stupid?” asked Duggarus as she juggled three babies between her two breasts.

“Dude,” said Ashtonisis as he began tweeting, ‘OJ just lopped off some random guy’s head. This Party is Awesome!’

“Well that’s not sexy or polite” said Heffneus.

“Whoa,” said Phelpius before taking another hit from his golden bong.

“Dude, that’s my line” said Joey Lawrence.

“Who even invited you Joey?” asked Heffneus.

“That was so fierce” said Tyras.

“Bravo, my good man” said Cheneyticus and Cruiseus in unison as they raised their glasses in a toast.

Barackus adjusted his tie, gave a hint of a frown, and said “Olympus Julius, this behavior is wholly inappropriate for we are among Gods and must act accordingly.” “Sorry,” said OJ, “that guy told me he won my rookie gladiator trading card on an EBay auction for only $95. That shit was insulting. That’s like stealing from me…OJ. Besides, he was going to have a heart attack in three years anyway.” “Well your hostile actions demand consequences. We will hold meetings and possibly at some later date impose sanctions upon you,” exclaimed Barackus with an air of superiority. “Yea, well fuck you too brother” mumbled OJ. ‘Well’ thought Barackus to himself, ‘I won’t return your calls for a month. And when you say hi, I’ll say hi back, but it’ll be a chilly sounding hi.’ Barackus then felt justice, as only masters of passive-aggression can feel justice.

Just then Palina chimed in for the first time with, “Well you’re going to dig the fucking thing, I’m not digging the fucking hole.” OJ, then laughed and said, “Who the fuck cares? What is it, the first hole I dug?”  

Westicus then came strutting out of one of the bedrooms, stepping casually over the headless corpse without so much as a glance and said, “There’s only two sisters at this whole party and they both have ashy knees. But all the white women here is fine as china. You don’t care about black people.” Then he stormed out.

As everyone else began clearing out, Heffneus began to sulk.

His erection began to deflate.

Heffneus knew great despair.

He began to plot his revenge.

As Ashtonisis got into his limo, he began tweeting, ‘Party’s over. Peep’s all left. Lawsuits pending. Awesome night!’

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November 21, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

28 Comments »

  1. could you foward this to Barackus so he can read what a pussy he really sounds like
    there should no pussy-ness in immortal land I declare

    love this
    wonderful depiction of the fallen golden boy OJ

    Comment by dianne | November 21, 2009 | Reply

    • I seriously wish I could forward it to Barackus. They have all the Godly power they need with a super majority and are to busy trying to win over Cheneyticus and Cruiseus to get anything done. I love your declaration; I may have to impose it.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 21, 2009 | Reply

  2. Joey Lawrence…

    Need I say more?

    Yes, I need to say a lot more about this hilarity, but unfortunately I can barely type thanks to the fact I woke up this morning with a Pringles can attached to my arm. and you know what that means…

    Save my spot, I’ll be back. I just need to throw up a little first.

    Comment by bschooled | November 21, 2009 | Reply

    • I’ve been there sista. I was just there Friday morning as a matter of fact. But my Pringles can was a ….actually it was a generic Spanish version of a Pringles can. And I had half a pb&j stuck to the front of my shirt. Try some frozen Power-aide mixed with water. Works for me…

      Hope you feel better soon.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 21, 2009 | Reply

      • Ok, so I’m still not 100%. The swelling in my arm from the Pringles can has gone down somewhat, but I think it will be another couple of days before I make a full recovery.

        But I want you to know that I loved this. Not only was it witty and original, your “Whoa” reference and the “I’ll say hi back, but it will be a chilly sounding hi,” made me laugh like no one was watching.

        (You can imagine my embarassment when I looked over and saw my creepy neighbor looking through my window with his binoculars…)

        There’s no question about it Scott, you’re FIERCE.

        Comment by bschooled | November 23, 2009 | Reply

        • The swelling may be due to salt and alcohol intake, as opposed to wrist trauma. I strongly recommend either a morphine drip or at the very least a hair of the dog. And call me in the morning; I’m not one of those dicks that doesn’t want you to call.

          I’m wondering if I should have OJ come over and take care of your neighbor? I’d send Barackus but I’m afraid that as soon as he left, the binoculars would come right back out. Oooh, are you sure it’s not Palina and you’re not really Russia?

          Thanks B!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 23, 2009 | Reply

  3. That God-like Zodi who resides across the wine dark sea is killing me!! Sing O muse!! Just great man.

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | November 21, 2009 | Reply

    • I guess I can finally be called God-like when compared with these Gods. It’s pretty comforting to have Gods with some serious character defects. I’m really glad you like it!

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 22, 2009 | Reply

  4. OMG, it reads like there’s a sequel…the new Peyton – I mean Melrose – Place!

    Comment by Pamela Villars | November 22, 2009 | Reply

    • Actually Pamela, you are right on the money, it’s a combination of Peyton and Melrose. Mixed with a little Goodfellas. Yea, I’m going to keep these guys active for a while.

      Thanks Pamela!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 22, 2009 | Reply

  5. As the fog clears an early morning mind…………

    OMG…I went to that party!!!

    Comment by Micky-T | November 22, 2009 | Reply

    • I hate when that happens. For me, the memories rarely ever come back.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 22, 2009 | Reply

  6. “As Barackus began chiming his coke spoon against his champaign glass.”

    Priceless take-me-back moment; all those bloody noses coming out of the Jade Fountain Chinese Restaurant rest room at 1:30 in the morning; the round tables full of people sucking down communal scorpion bowls, jumping from group to group, the endless funny stories and women that are WAY too thin and desperate, ready for a fiery crash and melting polyester in some Romeo’s sports coupe . . .

    Sorry, Scott, I’m back now. That was a fantastic party scene slash pop culture commentary, and I am also a proud member of the Pringle can wake-up call. You rock hard in a foreign place with familiar faces . . . I don’t know what that means, but it sounds deep. Great blog!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | November 22, 2009 | Reply

    • You have some great take-me-back moments. I wish I could have flashbacks, you’re a lucky man. It would be like getting to relive the moment. But getting to relive it while being older and wiser. I’ve never been in a Chinese restaurant that was the scene of a good party, so you have me there too. And I’m going to have to google ‘communal scorpion bowl,’ but if it involves any kind of opiate, then it’s my cup of tequila…or my bowl of opiate.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 22, 2009 | Reply

  7. Ashy knees?

    Comment by nursemyra | November 22, 2009 | Reply

    • It’s an issue for black or dark women (or men) who don’t moisturize enough. That’s why I use cocoa butter straight after every shower.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 22, 2009 | Reply

  8. Scotticus……that was awesome

    Comment by Candy | November 23, 2009 | Reply

    • I’m glad you liked it. I was afraid of losing some of my regulars by going down this dark road.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 23, 2009 | Reply

  9. I’m a big fan of this post and, more specifically, passive-aggressive justice. If there’s something this world needs more of, it’s indecisive but overdone punishments.

    Why, our entire legal system could be revamped to award the wrong sentence to the wrong crime. Like, say, homicide. You kill someone but can’t actually be bothered to pre-meditate it – 25 years + time served + good behavior = 28 months.

    Or, drug possession: maximum sentencing + making an example of + judge’s best friend’s ex-wife’s cousin died in a meth explosion + eyeballing soccer mom on jury = 33 years.

    Imagine the system finally operating at peak efficiency! Hallelujah!

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | November 23, 2009 | Reply

    • I love passive aggressive justice. Even the person being punished doesn’t quite know why he’s being punished or even if he’s being punished. There’s just so much wonderful ambiguity.

      On some real shit though; you’re 100% right. People tout the justice system in the US as the best in the world. You and I could both name 10 or 20 celebrities/politicians/millionaires that got off with maybe a slap on the wrist. But you happen to not be able to afford an attorney? You might as well just plead out. Cause your ass is going away for the duration. If justice is blind, that bitch sure makes up for it with a superior sense of the smell of money.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 23, 2009 | Reply

  10. Does this explain all the naked oil paintings throughout the centuries?

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | November 23, 2009 | Reply

    • What Heff? Nah, everybody loves a plump, cherubic, naked white girl.

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 23, 2009 | Reply

  11. Joey Friggin Lawrence…. priceless. I was kinda hoping Barackus was going to announce he had found his birth certificate.

    Comment by frigginloon | November 23, 2009 | Reply

    • Oh, he has it all right. That’s just one more passive aggressive way to get back at the tea baggers, Christian right, and other loons (no offence) that so annoy him. haha.

      Thanks Frigginloon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 23, 2009 | Reply

  12. I can dig it Scott. I like the possibilities of the cast of characters that you assembled below. My only question would be, do you have too many?

    I have no doubt that you can keep track of them and keep it funny and well-done, but can everyone keep up?

    If you do scale back some of the cast, I beg of you…Keep Tyras!!

    Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | November 23, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Matt, I appreciate your advice. There are a lot of characters, but I’m going to try to keep the stories focusing on only 2 to 4 or 5 a week, and try to keep the stories fairly simple. I don’t even know if I can do it as I tend to be disorganized anyway. We’ll see.

      Don’t worry, I love Tyras and she’s not going anywhere!

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 23, 2009 | Reply

  13. OMG…This keeps getting better…imminent Lord of the Gods and the Goddesses! I swear fierce allegiance to this train of characters!
    Fantastic. My day begins.

    Comment by The Juicer | November 25, 2009 | Reply

    • I hope you stay with it, I’ll need support to keep this going. I’m afraid it’ll become to hard to follow in a blog. So if you like it, keep on reading!

      Thanks, It’s great to see you Juice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 25, 2009 | Reply


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