Zodi’s Blog

Revenge of the Gods

If you don’t know these characters yet, where have you been? You can find out who they are here. In the last episode, Heffneus threw a party for the Gods during which OJ cut off a mortal’s head in an surprising moment of rage. Heffneus was obviously perturbed by this and vowed revenge…

                                                                                                                                                        

Cheneyticus, Cruiseus, Palina and Heffneus all meet at Heff’s mansion to plot their revenge in the interests of evil. He has gathered those whom he considers his closest allies of the day. As the God of wine as well as madness, this is a constantly revolving ally list because of the blackouts….and the madness. He has picked Cheneyticus and Cruiseus because of their allegiance to the dark side and ability to manipulate the masses, and he has allowed Palina to come because she’s hot.

Heffneus began, “Thank you for coming. As you all know I have been shown a great disrespect by OJ.” He was interrupted my Palina, “Well hiya, I broughtcha a signed copy of my book for ya!” Heffneus grabbed the book out of her hand and immediately used it as a coaster for his overflowing Crunk Cup. “Please don’t interrupt me again Palina, it’s rude.” He then continued his tirade against OJ, “That foolish oaf can’t just come to my party and cut the head off of one of my guests. It was rude and not at all sexy, and I won’t stand for it. My penis almost became dreadfully flaccid, so obviously my penis won’t stand for it either.” He then grabbed his erection to show his erection’s support. 

“Why is Phelpius passed out on your couch?” asked Cruiseus. Heffneus replied, “I think he lives here now. See how damn cute he is? When he strokes and kicks like that he’s dreaming he’s swimming. I brought in a stoner-whisperer to train him. I’ll make sweet love to him after I get a nice cankle massage.”

Cheneyticus- “Well, you’re just a disgusting pervert aren’t you?”

Heffneus- “I could remind you that your daughter delights in gay love, as do I.”

Cheneyticus- “Grmphh aghrr.”

Heffneus- “What was that? That’s what I thought bitch.”

Cruiseus- “You’re both so polluted with thetans. I must take you to meet my friends.”

Palina- “Ya know, you’re muckin about with some dangerous stuff there mister. Those are occultist practices. You need the Holy Spirit to fix ya right up.”

Cruiseus- “You’re being glib, you moron.”

Heffneus- “Will you two please just shut the fuck up? This is all about me. Look at me. Look at my glorious erection!”

Cheneyticus- “Grumphh agaghh errr.”

Cruiseus- “Lord Xenu.”

Palina- “Well, ya got that goin for ya, dontcha!”

Suddenly the lights dimmed as if by their own accord. War Pigs by Black Sabbath started playing in the background and Cheneyticus began, “I have concocted a stereotypically nefarious plan…” He was interrupted by Cruiseus, “Why don’t you just take him hunting?” Cheneyticus answered, “Why don’t you just go fuck yourself?” Heffneus interjected with, “Didn’t you wear that line out on the floor of the senate?” “Haha, good one Heff!” Cheneyticus continued, “Now do you want your revenge or not?”

“Ok then, here’s what we do…We lead OJ to believe that he’s been cast in The Naked Gun 44 ½ ‘Is Leslie Nielsen Really Still Alive?’ We send him and a fake film crew composed of my Blackwater boys to Afghanistan to ‘shoot’ a ‘scene.’ We set up a meeting with high level Al-Qaida operatives as part of the ‘plot.’ We plant heroin, bombs, a Koran, and architectural plans for the Sydney Opera House in his hotel room. Maybe a head too. You just can’t have enough evidence against that slippery bastard. Anyway, we get him to read his ‘script’ filled with incriminating lines, filming it all. As soon as we yell cut, we send in my spooks to extraordinarily rendition his black ass. We throw him in a hole somewhere. With any luck at all Barackus will come to his defense and claim we set him up. We can then accuse Barackus of being soft on terror and of being a secret heroin warlord. We’ll get Cryboy, Ditto and The Beav to spin it all in our favor….

The God of death will be locked away.

Heffneus will have his revenge.

We can move for a Godly impeachment.

And maybe, just maybe The Throne will be mine again! Oh, I’m back baby, and it feels so right! How does next month work for you guys?”

Cruiseus flipped through Dianetics, took a Niacin tablet and smiled.

Palina said, “You betcha!”

Heffneus grabbed his throbbing erection and threw up into his Crunk Cup, which then spilled over onto Palina’s book.

Phelpius dreamed he was swimming, stroking and kicking the couch.

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November 25, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

25 Comments »

  1. Nice crunk cup. 😉 Next time post a picture of the erection up in that biotch.

    Comment by Candice | November 25, 2009 | Reply

    • I knew you would like the cup. Fine, if you want me to post an erection, I’ll post an erection. Great to see you again!

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 25, 2009 | Reply

      • No no… don’t do it Scott (unless the erection you’re intending to post is something akin to the Eiffel Tower

        Comment by nursemyra | November 25, 2009 | Reply

        • haha, you should talk. I still haven’t gotten over those piercings. Then again, I am going to Paris over Christmas, so I’ll see what I can do.

          Thanks Nursemyra!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 26, 2009 | Reply

  2. Your imagination is killing me — “I brought in a stoner-whisperer to train him.” Sweet Jesus, I need one of those now and again (everyone thinks I’m a stoner, but it’s usually just an ongoing condition). The dialogue is priceless in these scenes. There’s a movie out called “The Men Who Stare at Goats”, with a brutal battle scene in Baghdad, where two private US security teams have a firefight with each other because of paranoia, then keep battling, like kids playing paintball. The irony was a nice touch. I like how you portrayed those maniacs taking OJ. Ooops . . . now I’m a marked man. Great post! Great reading!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | November 25, 2009 | Reply

    • My imagination has killed many a man. There was the guy I killed by emptying a can of fix-a-flat into his lungs, the one I killed by soaking in a cold tub while he was wearing really tight jeans, and the one I killed by using vibrations from a shuttle launch to set off a rigged shotgun..…..I’m totally kidding. I stole those ideas from Tim Dorsey. They all really worked like a charm though.

      Don’t worry; you were already black listed the first time your URL hit my site. I’m going to check out that movie, sounds like my cup of tequila.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 25, 2009 | Reply

  3. Ok, seriously, Scott. You need to turn this into a television series. Or at least a book deal. This stuff is like Twilight for Reality Show-loving highbrows. (just so you know, that statement makes a lot more sense in my head than it probably does on this comment thread.)

    First of all, the sexual dysfunction you’ve added to Heffneus’ character makes it so that even the average elderly (or chronic pot-smoking) Joe can relate. And trust me, sexual dysfunction sells. So do terms like “crunk cups”, “stoner-whisperer” and “cankles” (unless you’re the one who has them, of course).

    Second of all, who wouldn’t love to watch a bunch of hot-mess deities make fools of themselves in front of millions of viewers?

    ??

    ?

    !

    (The question isn’t rhetorical Scott…)

    Anyway, all’s I’m saying is that you need to act fast. This is brilliance personified, then squared! (Once again, this makes more sense in my head.)

    Comment by bschooled | November 25, 2009 | Reply

    • If’s there is one thing that I’ve learned from you B it’s this; if it makes cents in your head, it’s makes dollars, or in some cases even $39.95 in real life. I always trust your instincts about these things. If you can show me how to make Twilight type money, I’ll be your pet monkey. I promise.

      If we made this a TV show we already know that we have the elderly demographic, the chronic pot smoker demographic, and the ever elusive cankle sufferer demographic. So we’ll have Viagra, Doritos, and canker unguent sales ad men beating down our door. And you already have the hard sell down pat. This is gold B. This is why I need you on my team!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 25, 2009 | Reply

      • Seriously Scott, I haven’t been this excited since I stole Stella’s groove!

        (make sure you keep that on the down low, last thing I need is to have that bitch all up in my ass again…)

        Now I just need to find out what “unguent” means, and we’ll be set…

        Comment by bschooled | November 26, 2009 | Reply

        • Try holding that groove for ransom. Send back a groovy finger to let that bitch know you’re serious.

          Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | November 26, 2009 | Reply

          • That’s a damn fine idea. That bitche’s fingers are fine too.

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 26, 2009 | Reply

        • God damn, that was you? She came over here, and got all up in my grill over dat shit. Don’t worry, I keep everything on the DL. It’s how I roll, when I’m not rollin on E’s.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 26, 2009 | Reply

  4. Man…you need to bring an umbrella for the sun when your up on that mountain writing.

    Comment by Micky-T | November 25, 2009 | Reply

    • If I used an umbrella, then how could the Gods communicate with me? You gotta think of these things man. Besides I like to be tan. It pleases Tyras so.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 25, 2009 | Reply

  5. Well, the things I’ve learned today – like crunk cup (very lovely btw). lol I think I’ll pass on figuring out what cankles are though. I’ve obviously lived a much more sheltered life than I ever thought. Love the “stoner-whisperer”

    Comment by Reb | November 25, 2009 | Reply

    • I do try to be educational as well as mildly entertaining in an aggressive way. You are definitely making the right move on passing on the cankle info. Just the other day I was curious what a ‘skin tag’ was, and boy oh boy, do I wish I could unlearn those nuggets. They look like freaking nuggets.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 25, 2009 | Reply

      • We get a lot of ticks here in East Tennessee, specially in the spring. It’s very common for me to come in the house and ask, “hey babe can you look and see if I have a tick on me? It’s right there”.. (pointing with index finger)

        Her many answers are….
        flesh tag
        skin nugget
        hanging nugget
        no it’s a new penis

        Comment by Micky-T | November 25, 2009 | Reply

        • LOL I think I will avoid East Tennessee too 😉

          Scott – the crap that happens when we get old is really very disgusting and there are many things I wish I could unlearn.

          Comment by Reb | November 26, 2009 | Reply

          • Especially when we get really old and crap literally happens. Oh the joys of incontinence.

            As far as unlearning, it seems to me that the more I learn, the more I forget. So the key would be to fill your brain with useless, but harmless info.

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 26, 2009 | Reply

        • Oh holy mother of God. How close are you to a nuclear power plant? I can smell a class action lawsuit already! Although, I wouldn’t really mind the new penis part. I keep asking for 2 inches for Christmas but Santa never seems to oblige.

          It could be worse for you though. You could grow a Ted Nugent.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 26, 2009 | Reply

  6. Hey dude, I just wanted to say even though you are in Spain where you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving…we, your friends in the states, are thinking of you and grateful for your friendship.

    ps Ill come back tomorrow to read your story…

    Comment by Candy | November 25, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Candy, I appreciate that!

      Happy Thanksgiving, enjoy that turkey for me!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 26, 2009 | Reply

  7. I have no idea how you did this, Scott. These gods of yours are headed for some tragically hilarious comeuppance, which I believe is slang for… well, something tragically and horrifyingly dirty. I’ll leave your imagination to fill in the rest. (You may also use your keyboard and any photos you have laying around.)

    I also was intrigued by the Possibly Related Posts, which, as the waiver states, are randomly generated. The last one is the winner, what with its complete unrelatedness and this particular page:

    http://umms.wordpress.com/muzlim-lolcats/

    Hell, yeah. That’s why we got in the blogging business. Cats and Muslims. They go together like ice water and polyurethane paint.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | November 26, 2009 | Reply

    • I’m going to have to do an ‘origin’ post about comeuppance. You’d really think it would be a good, nice word. Like some Brit somewhere found a pence, back when a pence was worth finding. But no….those God damn Brits with their God damn vengeance. And Italians get all the bad rap. Ugh.

      I’m so happy that you turned me on to UmmSqueakster. Sure I started off with the adorable kittehs but then I dug deeper, and became enthralled. This chick went from not just Christianity but from being Lutheran (meaning she’s white) all the way to Islam. If nothing else, it is very interesting reading. Now I’m so wrapped up in the lives of Saudi Stepford Wife, Suleiman, alQasam, and Tickly Toes and our hero UmmSqueakster that I’m going to have to check in and see the gang daily. I swear to Allah God that this is some enthralling Shiite!

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 26, 2009 | Reply

  8. When does the movie come out? Will it be released in America? Will it be dubbed or subtitled? Do you need a key grip? You’ve inspired me to make a t-shirt that says, “Overflowing Crunk Cup”

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | November 30, 2009 | Reply


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