Zodi’s Blog

Random Thoughts

I was going to call this post Deep Thoughts with the sub header ‘But probably not as deep as Jack Handey’s, and With More Strippers,’ but Candice beat me to that particular punch. Plus, I realized that there are no strippers in here at all so that wouldn’t really make sense. Anyway, I thought if I could get these on paper they’d stop taking up space in my small, cramped mind. If anyone has any answers to my many questions, please be a dear and enlighten me.

-Why do they call highways parkways?  I mean, I know that traffic can be bad and all of that but aren’t you just jinxing the thing from the start?

                                                                                                                                                                          

-Why does she insist on going by Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio? When your last name is so long, why not drop Elizabeth at the very least? It’s a pain in the ass to even hear that name much less trying to fit it in the credits.

-I hate when I ask for directions and someone tells me to go to Oak Street and go north. How the fuck am I supposed to know which way is north? Do I look like Ponce de Leon to you?   

-After at least 25 thousand (or whatever) years of civilization, how the hell did no one invent an effective mosquito/fly killer yet?

-I seem to function a lot better when I’m slightly horny. If I go 3 or more days without sex my mind is sharper, my thoughts are more precise, and my energy level is way higher. When I have too much sex I’m a lazy, useless shell of a man. All that being said, I can’t go more than 6 days without, or the cat will start looking sexy.

-I honestly can’t comprehend patriotism in the context that it is used by the Fox pundits. I do love America, and I’m proud of America, and I deeply appreciate the people who have sacrificed for the great nation. But in reality, you don’t have any choice where you are born. And most of the people that spout off about all of this nonsense haven’t done a thing to sacrifice personally. For all of her virtues America has a piss poor track record of being ‘the greatest country on earth.’ God didn’t hand it to the amazing religious white man. They came in, butchered the indigenous peoples, and stole it. We were one of the last countries to condone slavery. There are still to this day not equal rights for all people. I can’t grasp how this is always tidily glossed over in Beck’s and Hannity’s monologs. I don’t understand how they can make all of these outrageous claims about the absolute greatness of a country, and not want their own sick, poor and helpless to be taken care of. Why do these perfect Christians always show the most unchristian like characteristics?

-Who reads Prince Valiant or Mary Worth and why?

-I expected so much out of Tarentino after Pulp Fiction. What ever happened to him and his brilliant dialogue?

-I don’t mean for this to be an indictment of the American public school system, as much as wanting to point out what is wrong with the current mainstream ideology in the US. It’s been my experience that the average European citizens, be they lager louts in the UK, Romanian ruffians, German teenagers or Spanish ecstasy addicts are overwhelmingly more cultured and knowledgeable about the world. I found that I can have an intelligent conversation discussing art, literature, and world history with damn near anyone I meet here. I’ve come across drunks sitting in a bar first talking about Rembrandt and going on to coups in Thailand. Even the window lickers over here have a grasp of current events in the world.

 

I think the US has become so self-centered as a society that there is little room for anything else. Everywhere I’ve ever been in the world, when you turn on the news they cover the whole world, but you’d have to watch hours of CNN or FOX to catch a minute of anything happening anywhere else. They’d rather cover a 10 person protest on the Boise Idaho city hall than cover riots on the streets in France or the bloodshed in Sudan. And this has caught up with our children. I honestly can’t tell you how many people have asked me how long it takes to drive to England from Florida. You just have to turn on Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader to see what I mean. But if you don’t believe me, the next time you’re in a Wal-Mart or a bar strike up a conversation with a total stranger about something outside the sphere of US influence, and you’ll be shocked. I know I always was. I love my country just as much as Beck, and gosh darn it…..I just don’t want to see it produce fucking idiots.

-Why wasn’t Sex and the City called Sex in the City? Seriously?

-Why is it called black Friday? I get the ‘in the black’ connotation but seriously when you have black Tuesday and the black death why put it on the day after Thanksgiving. Maybe they could call it ‘Begin Paying 21% Interest to Visa Day! –sponsored by Visa!   

-I seem to like the idea of some things more than I like the things themselves. I like the romantic idea of being homeless in Costa Rica more than I’d probably like the reality of it. I like the idea of going to the running of the bulls more than I’d like a horn ripping through my thigh. I like the idea of writing a book more than sitting down and writing it. I like the idea of having sex with blond twins more than I’d like the sex, especially since twins freak me out a little. I like the idea of being married to Tyras more than I’d…….actually; I think I’d be ok with that one.

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November 28, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

37 Comments »

  1. Scott

    Lots on your mind I can see….so here is my clever retort

    I totally agree with you about the self centered mindet of the Western culture. But I expect as much being that the U.S is a paranoid, homophobic ME ME Me society. What other country would blame someone because a Category 5 hurricane destroyed their town. Yeah lets sue Mother Nature and make that bitch pay……

    I also believe that Q tarantino shot his load after Pulp Fiction…cant get much better then that ..grindhouse was QT sober and it just does not work like that…

    The no sex comment reminded me of the Seinfeld episode when george was brilliant cause of a lack of GET SOME….

    Hope all is well with you and for chrissake …keep the bull horns out of your ass for a while……run behind the bull and drink more ….zman sends

    Comment by steve | November 28, 2009 | Reply

    • I guess the thing with Western society is that with all the freedom, comes all the nut jobs. I can’t remember if it was Falwell or Robertson who said Katrina hit to punish New Orleans. One of them also said that Disney was going to be destroyed by God for having a gay day. So they want an entire state to be destroyed by an act of God to wipe out an amusement park filled with children. I don’t understand how these people can even exist.

      I forgot about that Seinfeld, he was getting every question right watching Jeopardy. Oh my God…..I am George Costanza.

      Great comment and great advice that I’ll be sure to follow.

      Thanks Steve!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 29, 2009 | Reply

  2. Hmmm…. deep thoughts indeed.

    As far as Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio’s name goes – It’s a trade secret that starlets assume names that contain the exact number of letters (which you then divide by half) that advertise how many inches they are prepared to accommodate in their vaginas. Watch Sharon Stone cross and uncross her legs a few times, you’ll soon see that she can accommodate an average size penis easily

    Comment by nursemyra | November 28, 2009 | Reply

    • I tried to watch her do that and I ended up being blinded for two hours. I had absolutely no idea about starlet’s names; things are starting to make a lot more sense now. So Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio can take 12 and a half inches…. My God, I guess I won’t be asking her out then.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 29, 2009 | Reply

  3. If you tell me to go North I will look at you like you are a complete fool.

    North to me happens to be the direction I’m facing at the time. Which is why I can never find my way to any destination that I’m unfamilar with.

    I also like your black Friday idea. It can also be renamed to “You’re a fucking idiot if you really think you’re getting a good deal on all of that shit.”

    Comment by Candice | November 28, 2009 | Reply

    • See, we really are the same person in two different bodies. How is anybody supposed to know that? Do people carry compasses in their pockets?

      I love your black Friday rebranding as well!

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 29, 2009 | Reply

  4. I think the reason that American’s are so ignorant about the world is because our elected officials want it that way. It’s much easier to convince people to launch a war in Iraq if most of them can’t find Iraq on a map. And, since most Americans have never even heard of Sunni and Shia Muslims, let alone knew the difference between the two, it didn’t bother them that neither had George W Bush.

    Comment by Jay | November 29, 2009 | Reply

    • You make a very good point. That was humiliating when it was found that Bush didn’t know there was even a difference between the two. Even 90 year old Spanish peasants still talk about Bush’s ignorance. It’s scary that we elected him twice* too.

      The thing is a lot of these people are not stupid, just ignorant. I know people who can quote baseball stats from the 70’s and not name a leader of a single foreign country. I think it’s the fault of the news….

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 29, 2009 | Reply

  5. Great post Scott!

    I love the way your mind works. although my thoughts are nowhere near as thought-provoking, I thought I would share them with you anyway.

    The following is a list of the random thoughts I had today-

    When is the Rapture coming? And what happens if I miss it?

    What is a “what what” anyway?

    Who invented the Donkey Punch? And are there women who actually enjoy it?

    Will I ever be able to go out drinking without having to spend the next three days in the fetal position on my bathroom floor?

    How did Val Kilmer get so fat?

    Why wasn’t Sex and the City called Sex in the City? (Great minds!)

    Why do people write things like “I can’t believe that just happened…” on their Facebook status updates, then say “oh, it’s personal” when someone asks them about it?

    Why are there so many different kinds of Omega 3 supplements?

    Why is my Mother wearing that hideous Christmas sweater?

    When I get older will I be wearing hideous Christmas sweaters thinking they look good?

    (Like I said, nowhere near as thought-provoking…)

    Comment by bschooled | November 29, 2009 | Reply

    • Great minds indeed. I’d like to see you do a blog chronicalizing your thoughts from the time you wake up till you go to bed one day. I’d do it but it would constantly repeat itself. Coffee, food, beer, shiny thing..food, beer, shiny thing…..

      Believe it or not, I can answer a few of your questions…

      #1- 2012/ you can hang out with me.

      #3- Danny Donkey… http://community.livejournal.com/pearlswine/tag/danny+donkey
      And no, no women like it.

      #5- When he did The Doors, Jim Morrison invaded his soul. And since Kilmer won’t drink himself to death, Morrison is making him eat himself to death.

      #7- I know. Right?

      #8- Because a lot of different businesses tend to flood a market that’s been proven successful.

      #9- Because she wants to irritate you.

      #10- You won’t wear them because you think they look good, you’ll wear them to irritate your daughter.

      I hope I was of some help. Although any or all of my answers may be completely fabricated. It’s all in the small print below.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 29, 2009 | Reply

      • Scott,

        Not only have the majority of my nagging questions been answered, you have also introduced me to my newest obsession, “Danny Donkey”. (As if they aren’t going to want you at rapture time, you find the best stuff!)

        Anyway, thank-you so much for your help. And just so you know, I may be back later with some more random thoughts. Then again, I may not. It’s tough to say (Unfortunately I don’t control my mind, it controls me).

        Comment by bschooled | November 30, 2009 | Reply

        • I’m happy I could help a little. You gotta watch Danny though, as soon as you think he’s just a cute, cuddly misanthrope, he’ll give you a donkey punch. It’s just what he does.

          I hope that you come back every single day of your life and spontaneously leave random thoughts on every post. It would make my blog a hell of a lot more entertaining. Please!!!

          Thanks B!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 30, 2009 | Reply

  6. I hear you on the starlet-naming-conventions. Follow the rules, people. You don’t want to end up like Mary KateandAshley Olsen.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | November 29, 2009 | Reply

    • haha….. good one CLT

      Comment by nursemyra | November 29, 2009 | Reply

    • So they could take 11 inches. But there are two of them so that’s only 5 and a half inches apiece. Ah, I see your point. Brilliant!

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 29, 2009 | Reply

  7. …I didn’t know Val Kilmer was fat…

    Comment by phfrankie bondo | November 29, 2009 | Reply

  8. Great stuff Scott.

    I wonder who came up with the name “Microsoft Works?”

    I wonder also who came up the name “Larry King Live?” Cuz, he’s totally dead, right?

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | November 29, 2009 | Reply

    • Haha, two of the most perfect oxymorons I’ve ever heard! Yes, he is Totally Dead.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 29, 2009 | Reply

  9. Elizabeth was Tony’s sister, wasn’t she? Being on the same level (I have ranted about the same things regarding American ignorance, and I love this crazy ass place), I know you know what I mean, without naming the movie or famous ending (damn she looked hot in that dress).

    I don’t want to be a target here, but I have found Tony’s concerns about Columbians to be totally true, in certain circles. There — a typical American move — point finger elsewhere!

    I have discovered the answers to all your questions regarding American ignorance, etc., but I have yet to find a solution short of bloody chaos, or a very, very slow evolution (not revolution). People here drop the word revolution without undertstanding a tiny bit of the connotations, or the personal sacrifice they would have to make. Like death and the rape-torture of loved ones. That little fact (like invading a mideast hairtrigger) always seems to get by them. The thin line between “Call of Duty” games and real war is a blur to many people these days, and the military couldn’t be happier. Video recruiters!

    Danm Scott . . . you got me started. I’m so sorry to ramble on and blah blah blah. You’re like the other editors on our university magazine back in the mid nineties, when we all went out and got into deep discussions, then woke-up the next day with everything forgotten, until we did it again. They were great nights and deep thoughts. You’re blog is a rush, man. It’s one of my few life lines out of the deep forest. Thanks for the Deep Thoughts. Last night I was watching that great ab workout video movie “300” about Sparta, and realized that the U.S. has become a lot like Persia, minus the ten foot high transvestite leader. Bow before us! Anyway . . .

    White Monday! A day when all the Black Friday buyers take everything back and cut up their cards. THAT would give me hope!

    I like the woods these days . . .

    Comment by Dan McGinley | November 29, 2009 | Reply

    • I hope you don’t hate me for saying this but I think that movie was overdone. I mean sure, when I was younger I watched it the requisite 482 times, and maybe that’s my problem. But when you look back now, especially if you compare it to The Godfather, Goodfellas or that lot, you notice some bad acting and corny music. And Tony should’ve God damn known better than to fuck with the Columbian hierarchy. Besides, if we learned nothing else from our boy George, it was this; if you gotta play with the Columbians, you gotta go right up to the top of the food chain, or else bad, bad things happen.

      I’m glad you brought up ‘300’ as well. I’ve been working on a workout video based on that movie. It’s called 300 minute abs. Maybe you’d like to join our creative team. We have openings for ‘Steroid Purchaser/doctor shopper,’ ‘Make up artist’ and ‘liposuction technician.’

      I think America is ready for another revolution an anti-idiot revolution. Thanks to Bschooled I have enlisted the help of Che Guevara’s daughter, but I still don’t know her name.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 30, 2009 | Reply

      • Yes! “Liposuction Technician!” I’ve got a Hoover vacuum and some razor blades. I’ll put the “shred” in shredded.

        Comment by Dan McGinley | November 30, 2009 | Reply

        • Then you already have the tools that the job requires. You’re hired! I figure then we’ll be able to get to our real business of making soap and blowing shit up.
          Just don’t forget the first three rules….

          Thanks Dan!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 30, 2009 | Reply

  10. At the risk of outing myself, I agree with points #3, #6, #7 and #9.

    Now if you had only numbered them….

    Comment by Pamela Villars | November 29, 2009 | Reply

    • Uh oh Pamela, you’ve been outed. But, isn’t it such a relief? No more do you have to carry around the burden of confusion and irritation when people tell you to go north. Well, you may still have a bit of confusion. Next time I’ll number them. This has been rather cathartic for me, so I know I’ll do it again.

      Thanks Pamela!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 30, 2009 | Reply

  11. Dear god Scott, great minds…or should I say Great Scott!
    You say Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, I say Helena Bonham Carter (what penis size does that accommodate?).
    I too hate the friggin direction crap, next time a tourist comes up to me I am gonna say you have to go east west.
    We can napalm a whole friggin village but we can’t kill mossies 😦 .
    Why do I have to be in Team Jacob or Team Edward. And what the hell happens when Bella gets her period?
    Why is Fred Phelps allowed to have a website, let alone the domain name accompanying it?
    Why doesn’t Obama have a birth certificate? If that was me I couldn’t get a job, passport or driver’s licence. Man and he got to be president!

    Comment by frigginloon | November 30, 2009 | Reply

    • I’m afraid that I can only answer two of your questions, even with the help of Wikipedia, which wasn’t really very helpful at all.

      #1- Helena can take a solid nine inches. I won’t be asking her out either apparently.

      #4- Because you have to take a stand in this battle. Although I’ve never read one of the books or seen either movie, I’m totally with Team Jacob because he sounds like the bad guy. Or am I just thinking of ‘Lost’ again. No matter. And when this Bella gets her period it is anything but beautiful, and all hell breaks loose among the adolescent undead. If only Lestat were around to sort these crazy kids out.

      Thanks Frigginloon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 30, 2009 | Reply

  12. The name “Parkways” comes from the fact that when they started the highway movement for the war back in the 40’s, they built most of them over or through parks, because the government already owned the land.

    Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, is it really an issue anymore?

    They tell you turn north because they assume you know which way north is. I solved this problem by implanting a compass in my balls.

    Insects evolve much faster than man’s monetary goals.

    Is there a question here? You have an overactive libido?

    Patriotism was established as an easy way to make people gang up on people they didn’t like. Cast the stone of being unpatriotic and watch the hair fly. Christians are the most unchristian because they know God is on there side, thus making them immune to their stupidity.

    Mary reads Prince Valiant and June reads Mary Worth, because they’ve been doing it for twenty years and by gum their going to find out what the hell happens!

    He tried to do other stuff, like less than brilliant dialogue.

    The US is uptight and small minded. Why do you think we chased out the musicians/artists into Europe, they interfered with our monster truck rallies.

    We make some of the best idiots in the world.

    ‘Cause nobody picked up on Sex and the Farm.

    It’s called Black Friday because that’s the color of the fucker’s eye who tried to snag my 112″ Plasma BluDHDD!

    You’re “a twiddler, a dreamer, a silly heart” – Uncle Buck

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | November 30, 2009 | Reply

    • Your explanation of parkways sounds entirely plausible, unfortunately. With that spot on naming formula, 7/8ths of the condos in Florida should be called Nature Preserve Housing. It beats the hell out of The Sea Breeze and The Dead Manatee any day.

      Mary is only an issue when I have to hear her name, which wouldn’t have been an issue at all, had I not brought it up. Damn it.

      Evolution is evil people making evil lies up about evil things. Evil. Evil. Satan.

      Cool, I thought maybe I had an underactive libido.

      Truer words have never been uttered on this blog! Bravo!

      Are you sure? I was thinking it was the Big Mary Worth/Prince Valiant Lobby.

      But why?

      True, but would you rather have Botticelli painting of naked angles or corn dogs with diesel exhaust?

      True. There are idiots all over the world, but there can only be one American Idiot.

      I might’ve actually watched Sex and the Farm. Depending on the acting.

      Makes total sense now.

      I loved John Candy!

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 30, 2009 | Reply

  13. Ha. I, like you, have long wondered about the Prince Valiant/Mary Worth question. What does that say about you and I?

    And you’re right…Many Americans live in a bubble. We are many times oblivious to the world outside of our homes and our country. Unless there is news taking place outside of the U.S. that directly affects our country, most Americans do not care what is going on elsewhere.

    Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | November 30, 2009 | Reply

    • I think it says that we are lovers of funny or at least entertaining things. Those two are neither funny nor entertaining. Get Fuzzy and Pearly Before Swine do it for me. Bizarro used to as well, but I think they quit.

      And I love the news when they say three Americans were killed in a plane crash that killed 250 people. It wouldn’t have even made the news if not for the three Americans.

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 30, 2009 | Reply

  14. I can answer Sex and the City – it’s because the show was supposed to be about Sex and about life in NYC
    that’s all I got

    I seem to have less and less in the way of answers the older I get, and many more questions

    as always I love your observations and do believe we knew each other in another life

    Comment by dianne | November 30, 2009 | Reply

    • Wow, that actually makes too much sense. I know what you mean about getting older. Where did all our teenager certainty run off to? Probably to get another 6-pack and smokes.

      I think we should make it a point to meet in this life as well. I do feel like we’ve known each other for a long time!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 30, 2009 | Reply

  15. Just full of questions aren’t you? I always find it surprising that people don’t know how to find North, we were taught that in 2nd grade and camping each year as kid helped to reinforce it.

    As for ppl from the US (as I also live in America, just in Canada, as do ppl from Mexico and Brazil and I could go on and on)being ignorant of the rest of the world, it is a sad reality. Unfortunately it is infecting Canada to a certain degree too.

    Comment by Reb | November 30, 2009 | Reply

    • You were taught that in School? Wow, maybe American public school really does suck after all. I was never taught any of that. You can find north even in daylight? That’s very impressive!

      You’re right, it’s basically the new Western mindset that is corrupting our cultures with ignorance.

      Great comment, Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 1, 2009 | Reply

  16. I just now realized why I have writers block….. too much sex. Damn. Now I’m going to have to deprive myself for a while so I can begin writing again.

    The reason why our children are not informed about world news is because frankly, the US believes that other countries serve either one of two purposes — they are either there for us to bomb and steal their oil production OR to relax and vacation in so our American white collar workers don’t go postal from stress. Now why would they care about any of their civilians? They are either targets or servants . . . . right?

    Wait — isn’t it called Sex in the City? Damn. Glad I never watched the thing. Those fucking AA batteries have me all messed in the head 🙂

    Comment by tlwshoemaker | December 1, 2009 | Reply

    • Oh my God, then we’re both George Costanza. You know what would be really great? To bring an Italian hoagie and a portable TV into bed and ….. of course then I’d be even more of a moron.

      That does seem to be the American mindset doesn’t it? Most people can’t even find where they vacation on a map. This is what might possibly get Sarah Palin elected. If so, I’m never coming back. Ever.

      Thanks for the terrific comment Tammie!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 1, 2009 | Reply


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