Zodi’s Blog

Westicus Was Robbed

If you don’t know these characters yet, where have you been? You can find out who they are here. Anyway, on with our story….. Ashtonisis woke up at 7pm with a devil may care attitude and his ne’er-do-well spirit soaring. He adroitly petted his cougar right where his cougar liked to be petted and having fulfilled his only daily responsibility in life, sought out to create a little ungodly mischief. He twittered, ‘Somegod’s about to get Punk’d. hehe. Stay tuned!’ 

What is the plural of ho?

                                                                                                                                                                                      

He then sent Westicus a text complaining that Dane Cook was getting ready to receive a lifetime achievement award in comedy and had beaten out both Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor for the honor. The event was to take place at the Biltmore hotel in less than an hour. As expected, this was more than Westicus could take. Honestly, Dane Fucking Cook? So Westicus immediately bolted out of his studio, leaving his ghetto-fabulous herd of ho’s unguarded.    

Wasting no time, Ashtonisis swept into the studio and told the hos (or is it hoes, or maybe ho’s? No one in the elite grammar community can decide) that he’d make them all stars in Lifetime original movies. Or failing that, at least get them a gig or two doing soft-porn on Cinimax if only they’d come with him immediately. He then had them switch their swap meet footwear for shoes that he had specially made which displayed the tread backwards. This was so that when Westicus found their trail, he would head off in the wrong direction. After getting them safely tucked away in a place he knew that no one would ever find them, in one of his movies, he began to play with them the way that he was never allowed to play with his cougar.  

A perfect hiding place

A perfect hiding place

As their weaves came out one by one and began to pile up on the floor, he had an idea. He took all of the weaves and strung them together with his used condoms to make a musical instrument that sounded more angelic than anything ever heard before. He decided to call it the Dreamweaver. Ashtonisis saw what he had done and Ashtonisis was pleased.  

He then rushed off back to the studio to meet Westicus as he was furiously entering. Ashtonisis then exuberantly exclaimed, “You just got Punk’d!” Westicus then shot him in the face and retorted, “You just got shot in the face, and I ain’t no punk.” As Ashtonisis immediately healed and began to pout, Westicus grabbed him by his luxurious brown locks and drug him across town to put the matter before Barackus.    

Barackus was annoyed and showed it with a slight frown and a subtle voice inflection which no one noticed. Westicus ranted, “Yo B, this little bitch stoled my bitches. Then the bitch called ME a bitch.” Ashtonisis said, “No, I did not. I said You Got Punk’d. And you did!” Westicus then casually shot Ashtonisis in the face again. “Ow. Fuck that hurts. Fuck. Ow. Don’t do it again” whined Ashtonisis. Barackus interjected, “Now wait just a minute gentlemen, what we have here is a failure to communicate…” Westicus interrupted, “Don’t keep quoting old movies, everyone hates when you do that.” “Sorry,” replied Barackus, “Ashtonisis here has…well actually had, a show called Punk’d, he wasn’t calling you a punk.”  

As Westicus struggled to grasp this new information, Ashtonisis began playing his Dreamweaver, which immediately entranced Westicus with its sibilant sounds. The music even evoked and enchanted Tyras who emerged from Barackus’ Oval Office beaming and almost chanting, “Fierce, oh that’s so fierce!” Westicus began gesturing effusively for the new instrument. “Oh, this shit is tight right here.” He said. “I’ll tell you what punk’d boy; Ima let you keep my hos, if you give up this instrument. Deal?” “Sold” agreed Ashtonisis, “just don’t shoot me in the face again.”  

Barackus slipped back into his office with Tyras in tow. At that point it slowly dawned on Ashtonisis that Westicus could use the instrument to make millions, influence hordes of mortals, and probably even get an endorsement deal out of Trojan condoms. And all he got in exchange were a couple of really bad cases of VD. He became uncharacteristically sullen and twittered, ‘I just got Punk’d.’

December 3, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , | 32 Comments