Zodi’s Blog

Westicus Was Robbed

If you don’t know these characters yet, where have you been? You can find out who they are here. Anyway, on with our story….. Ashtonisis woke up at 7pm with a devil may care attitude and his ne’er-do-well spirit soaring. He adroitly petted his cougar right where his cougar liked to be petted and having fulfilled his only daily responsibility in life, sought out to create a little ungodly mischief. He twittered, ‘Somegod’s about to get Punk’d. hehe. Stay tuned!’ 

What is the plural of ho?

                                                                                                                                                                                      

He then sent Westicus a text complaining that Dane Cook was getting ready to receive a lifetime achievement award in comedy and had beaten out both Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor for the honor. The event was to take place at the Biltmore hotel in less than an hour. As expected, this was more than Westicus could take. Honestly, Dane Fucking Cook? So Westicus immediately bolted out of his studio, leaving his ghetto-fabulous herd of ho’s unguarded.    

Wasting no time, Ashtonisis swept into the studio and told the hos (or is it hoes, or maybe ho’s? No one in the elite grammar community can decide) that he’d make them all stars in Lifetime original movies. Or failing that, at least get them a gig or two doing soft-porn on Cinimax if only they’d come with him immediately. He then had them switch their swap meet footwear for shoes that he had specially made which displayed the tread backwards. This was so that when Westicus found their trail, he would head off in the wrong direction. After getting them safely tucked away in a place he knew that no one would ever find them, in one of his movies, he began to play with them the way that he was never allowed to play with his cougar.  

A perfect hiding place

A perfect hiding place

As their weaves came out one by one and began to pile up on the floor, he had an idea. He took all of the weaves and strung them together with his used condoms to make a musical instrument that sounded more angelic than anything ever heard before. He decided to call it the Dreamweaver. Ashtonisis saw what he had done and Ashtonisis was pleased.  

He then rushed off back to the studio to meet Westicus as he was furiously entering. Ashtonisis then exuberantly exclaimed, “You just got Punk’d!” Westicus then shot him in the face and retorted, “You just got shot in the face, and I ain’t no punk.” As Ashtonisis immediately healed and began to pout, Westicus grabbed him by his luxurious brown locks and drug him across town to put the matter before Barackus.    

Barackus was annoyed and showed it with a slight frown and a subtle voice inflection which no one noticed. Westicus ranted, “Yo B, this little bitch stoled my bitches. Then the bitch called ME a bitch.” Ashtonisis said, “No, I did not. I said You Got Punk’d. And you did!” Westicus then casually shot Ashtonisis in the face again. “Ow. Fuck that hurts. Fuck. Ow. Don’t do it again” whined Ashtonisis. Barackus interjected, “Now wait just a minute gentlemen, what we have here is a failure to communicate…” Westicus interrupted, “Don’t keep quoting old movies, everyone hates when you do that.” “Sorry,” replied Barackus, “Ashtonisis here has…well actually had, a show called Punk’d, he wasn’t calling you a punk.”  

As Westicus struggled to grasp this new information, Ashtonisis began playing his Dreamweaver, which immediately entranced Westicus with its sibilant sounds. The music even evoked and enchanted Tyras who emerged from Barackus’ Oval Office beaming and almost chanting, “Fierce, oh that’s so fierce!” Westicus began gesturing effusively for the new instrument. “Oh, this shit is tight right here.” He said. “I’ll tell you what punk’d boy; Ima let you keep my hos, if you give up this instrument. Deal?” “Sold” agreed Ashtonisis, “just don’t shoot me in the face again.”  

Barackus slipped back into his office with Tyras in tow. At that point it slowly dawned on Ashtonisis that Westicus could use the instrument to make millions, influence hordes of mortals, and probably even get an endorsement deal out of Trojan condoms. And all he got in exchange were a couple of really bad cases of VD. He became uncharacteristically sullen and twittered, ‘I just got Punk’d.’

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December 3, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

32 Comments »

  1. …I do believe the plural of “ho” is “hi”…as in, “Hey, Stan…let’s go get hi.”…

    Comment by phfrankie bondo | December 3, 2009 | Reply

    • Ah yes, as hos are one of many ways to get hi, I love it. You want to go get hi?

      Thanks Phfrankie!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 4, 2009 | Reply

  2. Great Zuess! I gotta go help up at the school, then I’ll be back to digest this at a slower pace. Damn. My first serious date was an awsome cougar . . . serious for me, anyway. I’ll be back!

    Comment by invasive1 | December 3, 2009 | Reply

    • You have to digest my writing slow; it’s like heavy, disgusting food in the summer time. If you try to go too quickly you will become violently ill. Cougars are awesome; the money, the power, the control, the money, the money….yea, they’re awesome.

      Thanks Invasive1!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 4, 2009 | Reply

      • Any time, Scott! You paint some great scenes, that I can picture happening in the mythical circles of our colorful celebs. I, too, have heard the siren song of the Dreamweaver . . . great post!

        Comment by Dan McGinley | December 4, 2009 | Reply

  3. Why didn’t Westicus shoot Barackus in the face? One day someone’s gonna. Kidding!!! Gosh, tough crowd!

    Plural of “ho” is “sluts” isn’t it?

    Comment by frigginloon | December 3, 2009 | Reply

    • Most of the Gods are afraid of Barackus passive aggressiveness; he’ll make you pay, without even knowing for sure that you’re paying, for years and years.

      The difference between ho and slut is barely discernable, but it is there. A slut is a person who chooses to sleep around either to gratify their own sexual satisfaction, to fill a hole in their life (presumably left by daddy) or to make up for low self esteem. A ho is a street variation on whore, who of course has sex for money. Although hos usually don’t do it for actual cash money, they are always looking to further an agenda out of the exchange. IE; gifts, street cred, sugar daddy, rap videos, free blow…etc,etc.

      Thanks Frigginloon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 4, 2009 | Reply

      • Well aren’t you Mr Knowledgeable 🙂 . Thanks Scott, this could be the question that makes or breaks me on Trivial White Trash Pursuit! 🙂

        Comment by frigginloon | December 4, 2009 | Reply

        • Thanks for the compliments. Trivial White Trash Pursuit sounds like an incredible idea. I already love Trivial Pursuit, and I love all things white trash, together they’d be my favorite board game EVER!

          Thanks Frigginloon!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 4, 2009 | Reply

  4. Shoes with backward treads? Wow and people think stilettos are hard to walk in 🙂 Nice solid base for your heel, but your toes all balanced on a 1/4 inch square area?

    Comment by Reb | December 3, 2009 | Reply

    • I feel you on the heels. Although they look sexy, I usually don’t like them either, since I’m only 5’8 and a half. See, you can tell I’m self conscious about it.

      I added some inside jokes for the two or three people in the world who are familiar with Greek mythology. In an ancient myth, Hermes stole Apollo’s cattle by making them walk backwards. These characters seem so fitting to play their ancient counterparts, because that is just so like Ashtonisis.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 4, 2009 | Reply

  5. “hi ho hi ho, it’s backwards now we go….”

    Comment by nursemyra | December 3, 2009 | Reply

    • Haha, that’s awesome. I can’t get it out of my head now, but it’s awesome.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 4, 2009 | Reply

  6. I got kind of excited when Ashtonisis got shot in the face. But, unfortunately he has self healing powers. The Bastard.

    Comment by Jay | December 3, 2009 | Reply

    • Yea Jay, that definitely did something for me as well. Although he can’t die (at least yet, since I still need him) I can make him go through a lot of pain. Yay!

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 4, 2009 | Reply

  7. Sick funny Scott.

    “We got punk all up in that bitch.”

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | December 4, 2009 | Reply

    • I definitely think that sick is the operative word. This was fun going off of an existing myth, but it does somewhat limit my storyline. I’m not sure weather to do it again or not.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 4, 2009 | Reply

  8. Nice shot of Ashton in there. Looks like a Montgomery Ward catalog. Great work drawing attention to the camera, Nikon.

    All I can think about is whether those sleeves are actually that length or whether they’re rolled up.

    Not really the best look for a quasi-diety. Otherwise, the writing was superb and very funny.

    Great post, Scott. Nikon has lost my business forever.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | December 4, 2009 | Reply

    • You have to love product placement. Even though I do work in advertising, since I do virals, I only even barely show or mention the product at the ass end. I find this shit offensive. I can’t even watch Survivor anymore (or any other show) without them pimping a product like it’s a two dollar whore.

      If I had to guess, I’d say the shirt is cut that length in the arms and probably Claiborne, and the vest and tie is Men’s Warehouse to give that everyman, casual feel. What? I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that mind you.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 4, 2009 | Reply

  9. OMG – I be lovin’ me some Dane Cook comedy but I’m just not sure how much I can endure Ashtonisis defending his cougar.

    But I can’t dwell on this right now – I need to go shopping for a new camera.

    Comment by David | December 4, 2009 | Reply

    • I think the first year or two he hit, he was alright. Since then he’s been an unfunny jackass. My favorite thing he ever did was Mr. Brooks. And I only liked that because I got to see him get hit in the face with a shovel and die. By Kevin Costner; how ironic is that?

      May I recommend Olympus?

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 4, 2009 | Reply

  10. !!!!!TWANG!!!!!! Was that you Scott? You OK? I, thought I heard something snap.
    Did one of those UFO’s get too close?

    Comment by Micky-T | December 4, 2009 | Reply

    • I think you may have heard a ssssstwangshshshssssssssssssssssss, was that it? If so you heard the Dreamweaver in action you lucky guy. Did it enchant you? If you heard a snap then the speed of sound must be a lot slower than they say because I snapped a long, long time ago.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 4, 2009 | Reply

  11. Sorry for the delay, Scott. I got into an unfortunate altercation with Chuck’s nuts.

    Don’t worry, the Doctors said with a year of physio and a shiny nw metal plate in my head, I’ll be good as new…

    But until then, I may seem a little “distracted”. And dyslexic.

    Now where was I?

    Oh, right. This tremendous is post Scott!!

    You do Gods even better than the Gods do them. When Westicus was furiously entering the studio, I was like “WFT”? And then it all sense made.

    If only Funticus was there to punk Ashtonis my jumping out and say “Smile! You just got shot in the face on Candid Camera!”

    (I realize this comment is severely lacking on my bart, but what can I say, I have Chuck’s nuts on the brain.)

    All I can say is that you need to book a write.

    Comment by bschooled | December 4, 2009 | Reply

    • My God, what would possess you to get into an altercation with Chuck’s nuts? At least with the metal plate your dome will be better protected from any future assaults from the balls-o-steel. Now that you’ve provoked them there is no telling when they will stop. Do you remember that killer ball in the Phantasm movies? That was only ONE of Chuck’s nuts. –You seriously have to solemnly swear not to ever let this joke die out. Even when it’s dead. Chuck’s nuts are something that the world can never take away from us B.

      I think that your Funticus line was funnier than my whole post. I always tend to write LOL but you really made me laugh, like not inwardly but outwardly. Out loud! And I love your new handicapped speech patterns. I hope they hang around long after your therapy is over. An outstanding comment!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 4, 2009 | Reply

  12. ps. “Oh, this shit is tight right here” is my new safety word. (or should I say “words”)

    Comment by bschooled | December 4, 2009 | Reply

    • Holy shit, I just reread this and I must apologize…

      Absolutely no sense whatsoever.

      Comment by bschooled | December 4, 2009 | Reply

      • Don’t apologize, I love your comments. And that is some real, tight shit.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 4, 2009 | Reply

    • Being that tight shit is my safety phrase we may have a conflict of interests. I guess I’ll just change mine. I don’t want anybody mad at me who is willing to fight Chuck’s nuts.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 4, 2009 | Reply

      • I must say it brings a whole new view of you Scott learning that you are into things that requires you to have a safety phrase. hehe.

        Comment by David | December 4, 2009 | Reply

        • Haha, I’m into many things, most of which are phrases. Oh, tight shit tight shit tight shit…… why are these straps not loosening?

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 5, 2009 | Reply

  13. I thought I left a comment already… something about loving Ashton???

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | December 14, 2009 | Reply


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