Zodi’s Blog

Keywords and Search Terms

When I started this blog nine months ago I read all about the importance of keywords for generating stats and comments. So far as I can tell by now they were full-o-shit. I see the ways and means that people come to my blog and it’s very rarely because of such trendy google superstars as Amy Winehouse or Vatican Investigates Aliens. Hardly ever. Other than the regulars that I’ve come to know via other people’s blogs, I don’t ever get any new good people.    

visits my blog

I get psychopaths.    

They come to my blog not because of keywords that I’ve used but through some cosmic practical joke that the universes of google and WordPress must have decided to play on me. I did a post a couple months back about the gross butcher shops in Spain called The Butcher of Seville, and unfortunately that one post has drawn the freaks more than a meth party on a full moon in the middle of a Pagan festival for psycho freaks. I get a couple variations of these each and everyday………    

Decomposing flesh    

Women butcherin    

Hanging girlmeat    

Hanging gerl meet    

Rotten flesh    

Butcher hairy assholes    

Butchering, butchered butchers butch  – A little OCD are we?    

Delisus girl meat    

German wife Butchering    

These are but a tiny fraction of what causes me to take a shower at least twice a day and pour bleach into my eyes. If any of you are reading this now I urge you, no I command you to seek professional help, and some very strong psychotropic medications immediately. Also maybe turn on your spell-checker. I was going to go off on a tangent telling you how repulsive and reprehensible you are but I am literally (that means for real) afraid of you. I do understand the appeal of some playful bondage. Seeing a beautiful woman with her hands behind her back in some fuzzy pink handcuffs does a little something for me. But that probably has more to do with the exposed breasts than the handcuffs. But if you’re searching out hanging gerl meet, please go tell a doctor what mommy did to you so that you can stop being a twisted, sick fuck. Please.     

Now on a lighter note, here are some funnier search terms that people have somehow used to find my poor, defenseless, pink handcuff wearing blog. I’ll try to answer some of the search terms that you posed in finding your way here……….    

-Are Vodka bad for cats? – It depends largely on the breed. If you have a Russian Blue, it’s probably ok. But remember; everything in moderation. Vodka can be bad for grammer though.    

Totally healthy kitty

-Milf Feet – I guess as far as fetishes go, this isn’t nearly as crazy as I would have thought a year ago    

-Italian drunk pissers – I’m half Italian, and you’re dead on. Even after 3 or 4 beers, I’m pissing every couple minutes. And I’m a real pisser too.    

-Glorious Erection – Thank you! I don’t hear that too often.    

-www.bother.siester.sex.com – Sorry, the bastards at google got you lost. They probably sent you to me because you almost spelled siesta.    

-Nerd at walmart –I’d say probably. Try Target instead.    

-Old lady ass- There are probably many websites dedicated to GILF’s. Just google it. Wait, no don’t do that, you’ll wind up back here. Find yourself a URL.    

-Woman Gypsy fucked tree – I don’t really know the logistics of how that would work. Even if the tree had a protuberance, it would take hours, even days of sanding.    

lucky tree

-What time do roofers wake up at –They wake up whenever Chuck’s nuts tell them to wake up. Believe that shit.    

-What does shooting a lobster mean? – Try sounding it out.    

-Drunken Dachshund?-  Unfortunately no, my dog has never developed a taste for beer or wine, much to my dismay.    

-Eyes wide shut origin of phrase –This is a term for people who have found a new (or old) religion and decided to go all ape shit, maniacal over it, thus tightly closing their mental capacity (eyes) to reality.      

-Where can I wash my balls in public? –Have you tried Wal-Mart?    

-Fencible Corneys –What The Fuck?    

-German wife pissing – What The Fuck?    

-Do these jeans make my butt look big? –If you have to ask…….    

-I need feet and ass – Well then go get you some feet and ass.    

-Penis rings and cages for hubby. – Is this my wife? Karen, this better not be you.    

-Can I find old man hairy balls? –If you look in the right places you sure can. Try Wal-Mart.    

-How to prove to your friend that you’re not bi? – Pick a gender, any gender, and stick to that one gender. Also if your friend is not the gender that you’ve picked, don’t offer to perform oral sex. That should go a long way to proving that you’re not bi. 

 -Is this guy an asshole? –Finally a pertinent succinct querry leading to the right place! Yes, yes I am an asshole. Yes.

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December 6, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

34 Comments »

  1. After a quick skim through the Butcher Of Seville, I find it odd that such vermon that you mentioned would come visit such a wholesome discusion of shopping in Spain.

    “squealing in vain for their diminishing lives as their throats are cut”

    “sow tied spread-eagled”

    “slap a few more chunks of meat and/or flesh”

    “swine genitals displayed”

    “sliced and diced pig flesh”

    “smelly old ladies”

    “old lady feet, breath, and ass”

    “slowly decomposing flesh”

    “swirl of juice and blood is cess-pooling”

    “ripping, sawing and hacking of thick, pink flesh”

    I don’t understand what any of this has to do with Nerds at Wall Mart. It’s a funny world huh?

    Comment by Micky-T | December 6, 2009 | Reply

    • I just reread that post myself, and taken out of context I can see what you mean. I have to start watching my overly descriptive style. It’s funny to I can definitely see where some of the keywords slightly match my posts. Like ‘shooting a lobster’ and The Lobster Boy. Very enlightening comment!

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2009 | Reply

  2. I too get this nonsense everyday. Recent creep outs include:

    “Finger my butthole”

    “I molested my wife while she slept”

    “Where’s my gallbladder”

    “Nacked hips” (I get dozens of these and I have no clue why)

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | December 6, 2009 | Reply

    • It’s crazy how some of the stuff could in no way have to do with anything that you’ve written. I always knew there were freaks out there. I just never imagined there were so many. Although who wouldn’t want to see nacked(?) hips?

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2009 | Reply

  3. I’m mystified. My “worst” search term (no kidding) is Sarah Palin.

    My innocence bubble burst just by reading yours.

    Comment by Pamela Villars | December 6, 2009 | Reply

    • That’s very surprising to me considering all of your wonderful poetry, which could always be open to interpretation by the pranksters at google. Although Sarah Palin alone, could land you in some hot water. You betcha.

      Thanks Pamela!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2009 | Reply

      • O! I got a good one today…pam villar rogationist college cavite.

        I have no idea what this means.

        Comment by Pamela Villars | December 7, 2009 | Reply

        • At least it sounds very complimentary doesn’t it?

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2009 | Reply

  4. Sweet Jesus and all the saints of sadism, WTF, over?

    When I was at that party last night in Woodstock, I was talking to this good friend and internet guru who gave me great advice last summer, talking about how you follow people you enjoy and respect, slowly building a quality network over time with writers and readers, taking your sweet time . . . then you have THE UNDEAD BRAIN SUCKING FREAKAZOIDS who litter your efforts with turds of stupidity, and the G.D. spammers who get around filters and fill-up your comments pushing Lavitra and all that other shit.

    Such is life, I guess. The net can be like a huge bathroom stall, or a great city library, with a hot, smoking librarian wearing those little half-glasses, and a clingy dress . . . oops.

    I’ll remember to flush.

    Great blog, Scott! Worthy venting!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | December 6, 2009 | Reply

    • When I was at that party last night in Woodstock is an awesome opener my friend. I don’t care where you are. Yea, the only way I’ve ever made quality blog connections is through other blogs. Once in a while I’ll get random people who come by and leave a decent comment, but that’s rarer than Sweet Jesus appearing on an iron and recommending a great brand of fabric softener. I love the smoking librarian imagery. And thanks for flushing. I just realized that I forgot to do something this morning……ah, there’s the scream now….

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2009 | Reply

  5. Scott,

    Believe it or not, I think I might be able to explain some of these random (and rather worrisome) search-terms.

    You see, Peter Pauper (you may remember him as the but-gusting writer of “Peter Pauper’s Pun Book”) has a brother, Paul, who also came out with a book recently, aptly-titled “Paul Pauper’s Tongue Twisters…Book.”

    The following are some of the more “popular” chortle-causing phrases in his hilarious new hardback:

    “Bill was butchering his butchered butchers butch.”

    “Drunken daschunds delight in delisus girl meat”

    “German wife pissing purple penis rings (and cages for hubby)”

    “Decomposing flesh, rotting flesh” (say five times really fast)

    “Fencible Corneys needing feet and ass find old man hairy balls”

    “Chuck’s nuts wake roofers up” (This one is more of a rhyme…kinda)

    As it turns out, Paul’s book is a pretty big deal in Scandinavia (the upcoming “Made for TV Movie is supposed to be bigger than all of Peter Funt’s Camera Candid specials combined). So I’m guessing that a lot of your traffic is probably coming from there.

    What can I say, Scott….to me you are Chuck’s nuts.

    Comment by bschooled | December 6, 2009 | Reply

    • I had a strange feeling that you would be able to shed some light on all of this unpleasantness. I was beginning to fear that Chuck’s nuts were blocking out the sun, and I’m immensely relieved to find that’s not the case.

      I’m beginning to wonder if the Pauper bothers have James Patterson’s super computer tied to his bed with a broken leg and a soon to be broken ankle. They’re churning out these books quicker than we can review them. It’s rather annoying to me that they’ve “put out” a tongue twister book. Why would anyone want to twist their tongue? Unless you are going to tie a cherry stem in a knot, what good could it do?

      The only way I can think to make any good of this is to put out an e-book about how to google using keywords for Scandinavian butchers.

      Oh shit; Chuck’s nuts just informed me that they don’t take being used as a metaphor, simile, verb, or reference lightly. They are only to be used as a noun. They sounded pissed. At both of us.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2009 | Reply

  6. Oooh, oooh, oooh I can help you out with “Hanging girlmeat”

    http://frigginloon.wordpress.com/2008/09/04/protestor-hangs-from-hooks/

    As for the rest, you are on your own freak 🙂 . Some of my regulars said they use to find me by searching “Scum of the earth”.
    Anywho, I am guessing the people who Googled “German wife Butchering” and “Where can I wash my balls in public?” were just, if not more, disappointed than you.

    Comment by frigginloon | December 6, 2009 | Reply

    • Well then the Hanging Girlmeat people should be flocking to you like sharks to a wounded seal. Or like Asian fishermen to sharks. Or like arthritis sufferers to shark cartilage.

      Oh I’m sure they were more disappointed than me. I mean when you want to see some German wife butchering or learn where to wash your balls in public and find a God damned caption contest or a satirical poke at celebrities; you’re bound to be pretty pissed. I just hope they can’t find me to take their frustrations out on.

      Thanks Frigginloon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2009 | Reply

  7. >>>I get psychopaths.

    I am not a psychopath. The doctor told me so. You will not call me that again.

    However, I’m more than a little concerned that I read a blog that others find by searching “Butcher hairy assholes”. That baffles me on so many levels.

    Cheers

    Comment by David | December 7, 2009 | Reply

    • Damn David you sound pretty sure of yourself and pretty pissed. Luckily (for me) I was not referring to you, since we met via Matt…I think. Please don’t kill me.

      I could have included thousands of baffling hilarious, and truly WTF? queries. You really got to start one so you can join in all the fun!

      Thanks David!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2009 | Reply

  8. I find it ironic, ’cause “Vatican Investigates Aliens” is how I found you, but then I am a psychopath. Wash my balls Joe Q. Public!

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | December 7, 2009 | Reply

    • I guess that we have finally come full circle then. Because John Singleton found you (and wash my balls) by googling Joe Q. Public. I found John Singleton by googling Ramblin Rooster. And you’ve just explained how you found me. It is a crazy world indeed.

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2009 | Reply

  9. Well, Scott, that is some disturbing stuff. At least the stuff up top. Below that it got funnier but a little more pathetic.

    Here’s the top 5 searches of all time at my site:

    richard simmons
    divorce
    goo goo dolls
    franz ferdinand
    blind melon

    So far, nothing to write home about. (Especially since Mom tends to become drunkenly enraged when asked to discuss Richard Simmons…)

    Here’s some of the other stuff:

    tauntaun sleeping bag
    drug war bodies
    amy grant pics
    divorces shattered lives
    imperialism in america 1900s
    your mission is to go to cleverbot.com and talk to him for 3 hours
    die hard is the best christmas movie
    fuck bible thumpers

    I’m especially proud of the “imperialism in america 1900s” incoming search. Makes me feel like all the fake Harvard education is finally paying off.

    Try out this Google tool to find some disturbing searches you may have missed:

    http://www.google.com/webmasters/tools/

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | December 7, 2009 | Reply

    • I think funny and pathetic are my two most prolific shticks, so that part is a home run. The only thing that really shocks me about your top 5 is the suspicious omission of Clive ‘Fucking’ Cussler. This sounds like a conspiracy to me.

      So am I to assume that mom is already drunk, and then becomes enraged when asked to discuss R.S. or does she quickly pound a pint of Vodka like my dear old dad used to do when asked to discuss…. well anything really.

      Fuck bible thumpers and Imperialism in America are, I believe, the embodiment of all you set out to do. For that I salute you! Thanks for the site; this gives me a lot to play with. I’m still trying to figure out how to submit a sitemap, but I’m sure I’ll get it by the time Dirk Pitt gets here.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2009 | Reply

  10. “Vodka can be bad for grammar though”… haha that line’s a killer Scott

    Comment by nursemyra | December 7, 2009 | Reply

    • I should certainly knew it. I love compliments from you!

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2009 | Reply

  11. I love search word queries. Many of the ones I see on my site are funnier than my posts. I must say though…Alisyn Camerota and Heidi Zadeh have greatly boosted my hit numbers. I am a believer in the power of keywords. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | December 7, 2009 | Reply

    • Some of them are definitely funnier than the posts, especially when you reply to them. I would probably surprise myself if someone showed me a list of what I’ve googled over the last month. Now I’m going to have to try to fit scantily clad beautiful women in my post somehow.

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2009 | Reply

  12. You get much more creative search hits than I do. After almost four years the number one search for my blog is STILL “Giada de Laurentiis tits/cleavage/boobs.” Nothing will ever knock it off the #1 spot. Ever.

    Of course I guess they could find Giada by searching “Delisus girl meat.” hahaah

    Comment by Jay | December 7, 2009 | Reply

    • My lord she’s hot, I just had to google her to find out who she was. Lol. I can certainly see why she is number #1. And hell yea you would get to her by searching Delisus girl meat.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 7, 2009 | Reply

      • She’s hot to look at but she is exhaustingly annoying on her cooking show.

        Comment by David | December 7, 2009 | Reply

  13. Well Scott, all I can say is that you are sending all of your freaks out to me. You should see the hits I get.

    Many having to do with vagina’s, feces, nut sacks, and incest.

    Where did I go wrong? 😉

    Comment by Candice | December 7, 2009 | Reply

  14. Those are HILARIOUS!!!

    Scott you have to email me and tell me how you did that. I would LOVE to know what mine are.

    AND…I need you to check out my blog todAY ANYWAY..some news I want to share with you.

    Comment by Candy | December 8, 2009 | Reply

  15. I’m laughing so hard, Scott. Oh my.

    Just google it. Wait, no don’t do that, you’ll wind up back here.

    That’s how I keep ending up here!

    Comment by Claire Collins | December 10, 2009 | Reply

    • What exactly are you googling to wind up here…that is the question. Glad to see you again stranger!

      Thanks Claire!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 10, 2009 | Reply

      • I haven’t gotten any stranger. I promise that i’m just as strange as I’ve always been 😉

        Everything I google brings me here. It’s like a big Scott beacon.

        I google directions to my bank and it says “See Zodi”
        I google a receipe and it says “Ask Zodi”
        I check my credit card balance and it says “Pay Zodi”

        Would you please stop hacking me now?

        Comment by Claire Collins | December 10, 2009 | Reply

        • Now I wouldn’t mind at all if everything said pay Zodi! So is the check in the mail?

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 10, 2009 | Reply


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