Zodi’s Blog

Angry Letters

Tiger Woods to Cadillac

 

That's ME

  

I’m writing to express my utter and complete disgust with your product and services. Cadillac and the On-Star that you supposedly provide have left me hanging in a major way. When I bought when you gave me this vehicle, I had nothing but the highest expectations. I mean you are Cadillac for Christ sakes, you’re supposed to be the best. At least the best that America can offer….which should have put up a red flag right away. I realize now that I should have just moved to fucking Europe and made Mercedes or Jaguar give me a car. And they would have too; I AM Tiger Fucking Woods God Damn It. I am the greatest golfer, no the greatest athlete, no the greatest man that the world has ever known. Ever. And what did you do? You fucked me Cadillac, that’s what you did!    

My complaints actually started off long before ‘the unpleasantness’ as I now refer to that retched evening. First, your representatives promised me the darkest possible window tint. Well, they weren’t nearly dark enough. I can’t possibly tell you how many times that I was receiving oral satisfaction outside of a respectable establishment and someone walked by trying to leer in my windows. I swear that they could see something, I could tell by the puzzled expressions on their peasant faces. It was almost enough to make me lose my erection. Not quite, but almost. I AM the greatest athlete that the world has ever known, mind you. Do you have any idea what would happen to me if those low-life, bottom feeding jackals at TMZ ever got wind of something like that? Never mind, I guess you do.       

That's your underperformance at work!

  

    

Let’s now move on to the evening of ‘the unpleasantness.’ I fully realize that you can not be blamed for my personal transgressions. That being said however, it IS your products responsibility to get me the hell out of that God Damned sand trap when I do shank one. And you failed me. Miserably! Not only does your poor excuse for a vehicle perform poorly on grass, but one tree can take it out? This is supposed to be a formidable SUV and it slid over that grass like my wife’s Carradan’s slaloming down the fucking French Alps. Then, when I merely bump into a sapling, the fucking thing dies quicker than MJ with a prescription pad.    

Oh, and there was no ‘invisibility cloak’ feature at all. I admit that it sounded implausible to me when you representative promised it in exchange for a slice of one of my ‘side pies.’ Just one more example of your under-performing, b-game company at work.    

I also take umbrage with the low quality of your windows. I’m not Snoop Dag or some such cretin, I don’t need bullet proof glass but for Christ sakes you’d think it could withstand the minimal torque of an anorexic Swede wielding an 8-iron. It’s just inexcusable is what it is!    

Lastly On-Star has managed to royally fuck up my day. I even did ads for the bastards. I press the fucking button and they are supposed to be there in a flash to whisk me away to the batcave….or ….I mean to safety.  Where were you when I needed you? In your complete negligence you allowed the police and subsequently the God Damned, bloodsucking press to get to the scene first. Utterly reprehensible is what it is!    

On the positive side, your vehicle has allowed me to pull some fine assed babes, and I mean that literally of course. So even as angry and disgusted as I am with you, I’m willing to give you another chance provided that you provide ME with another pimped out ride. And this time I’d appreciate the really tough glass, really dark tinted windows, and the invisibility cloak. –If you guys really have that thing. I appreciate your prompt attention to this. Oh, make this one white.    

Tiger Fucking Woods.

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January 2, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

31 Comments »

  1. Poor Tiger! You’d think if anyone could fix all of this for him it would be Cadillac. This is what he gets for buying American though. LOL 😉

    Comment by Jay | January 2, 2010 | Reply

    • Poor Tiger indeed. I don’t think he ever could have imagined anyone being mad at him for anything. By this time next year all will be forgiven anyway I’ll bet.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 3, 2010 | Reply

  2. Someone needs to tell Tiger…”you get what you pay for” 🙂

    Comment by Reb | January 2, 2010 | Reply

    • Truer words were never spoken. It would be nice to be comped everything from your toothbrush to your car though.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 3, 2010 | Reply

  3. Dear Mr. Woods,

    Thank you for your angry letter pertaining to our fine line of upscale SUVs. Be aware that your concerns are being addressed in full by our logistics support team and their shared pool of interns and flunkies.

    We appreciate your business over the years. Viewing your purchase history, Unfortunately (and not conincidentally) I must inform you that the damage to said Escalade occurred outside of your coverage period. I am instructed to refer you to your auto insurance company for any recourse.

    This “unpleasantness” aside, I would like to take this opportunity to present a business opportunity. As I look over the past several months, I feel that we (General Motors) and yourself are two of a kind.

    We have both hit a rather rough spot in our relationship with the American public. We also have the tendency to fuck anyone who comes within arm’s reach of us.

    I believe that by working together we can erase the past several months of “bad mojo.” Perhaps your non-threatening racial mixture and incredible golf skills could finally solidify our on-again, off-again relationship with hybrids and electric vehicles.

    It may be your Midas touch which finally convinces the American public that it’s time for them to step into a more efficient vehicle, like our near-mythical Chevy Volt. It’s been a hard sell, what with it’s 40 mph top-speed and it’s 40 miles-per-charge range.

    Should you be interested in purchasing another Escalade, I think that we could find a mutually advantageous agreement. If you are strapped for cash and need some financing (hahaha! that’s just a little flush-with-other-people’s-money joke there), please take advantage of our generous terms through our nationally-sponsored GMAC loan services.

    Thanks in advance for your consideration,

    General Motors

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | January 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow, GM’s response to Tiger’s letter was even better, funnier than Tiger’s original letter. I’m not sure that Tiger’s insurance will nessesarily cover that particular accident though considering that he was passed out, snoring and shoeless when the police arrived. I’m very surprised that they didn’t press DUI charges, they should have.

      I had no idea about the supreme efficiency and power of the Volt. I can’t believe that I haven’t even heard of it yet. It must be because I’m stuck way over here in Europe where these damn socialists make everything all ‘greenish’ and shit.

      Absolutely hilarious comment, thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 3, 2010 | Reply

  4. ” . . . you’d think it could withstand the minimal torque of an anorexic Swede wielding an 8-iron.”

    Classic my friend; MAJOR classic. Dorsey would be proud, and I sure as hell am. You are the killer word man.

    Eye of the tiger . . . er, tigress!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | January 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks buddy; as long as I can keep on Serge’s good side I’m pretty happy. I have more of a Coleman personality anyway, so we should get along famously.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 3, 2010 | Reply

  5. I hear Tiger is going to change his name to Cheetah. Boda Bing:)

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | January 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Boda Bing indeed!

      Comment by nursemyra | January 3, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s not too bad FJ. Maybe you could start writing material for Dane Cook. It would be a huge improvement.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 4, 2010 | Reply

  6. Haha!

    Well, I may not know anything about cadillacs (or golf for that matter), but I do know a thing or two about TMZ. And Snoop Dog. And getting busted behind tinted windows that weren’t really “all that tinted” if you know what I mean.

    But that’s neither here nor there.

    It’s obvious that Tiger needs a guy like you working for him. Had he been smart enough to write a letter like this earlier, all of the attention focused on his 13,568 “oopsie daisies” would be just a distant memory. Instead, society would be focusing all of its negative attention towards the makers of “Cadillac”, and TMZ would be parked outside the manufacturing plants, just waiting to pounce.

    It’s what we do.

    Funny stuff, Scott. I hope to see more of these angry letters in the future. Lord knows that celebrities have more than enough inanimate objects to be pissed at.

    Comment by bschooled | January 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Wait, do you work for TMZ? Are you now or have you in the past dated Snoop? I’ve secretly wondered both of these things long before now.

      If it’s neither here nor there then where the hell is it? Lost in the space/time continuum? I’ve never quite understood that one.

      That’s a great idea; me working as Tiger’s PR guy/publicist. Maybe you could write me a letter of recommendation? Maybe you could throw in a nude pic in your letter to him. It’d be sure to get me the job. And if he did go after you, we could blackmail/blackball/blueball the shit out of him!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 4, 2010 | Reply

  7. I’m surprised he didn’t mention how difficult it is to get semen stains out of the interior. I remember reading that he was promised some form of ‘ComeGuard Protection’

    invisibility cloak is priceless Scott

    Comment by dianne | January 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I can’t believe I didn’t think of ‘comeguard protection,’ either in this post or in real life. I could just see those infomercials now. Too bad Billy Mays is dead; I wonder who I’d use?

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 4, 2010 | Reply

      • Wouldn’t that be “cumguard”? I know that I would happily choose that option.

        Comment by David | January 10, 2010 | Reply

        • Hahahahahaha…..I think that the Scotchgaurd marketing team was trying to be a little more subtle.

          Thanks David!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 10, 2010 | Reply

  8. Great post Scott.
    I really don’t give a rats ass about Tiger but what has me curious is how much padding he had to do, to how many people, to keep him looking like the all American wholesome good boy athlete. He had to be making a lot of people very happy ($$) to keep so much bad press from ever hitting mainstream.

    Comment by Micky-T | January 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I thought of the same thing Micky. I know that if I were in a club and could even get a cell phone pic, I’d be walking out of that club 100K richer. Minimum. And if you were one of the girls……………..holy shit!

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 4, 2010 | Reply

  9. This was one of my favorite posts yet! There are so many hilarious parts that I can’t even begin to point out just one.

    Awesome job man! 🙂

    Comment by candice | January 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m glad that you liked it. I plan to make this a regular occurrence now since the crazy church folk have began to simmer down. And there are just so many possibilities with angry letters!

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 4, 2010 | Reply

  10. You know the friggin funniest thing….he is sponsored by Buick (Same company wrong car 😦 )
    I was playing golf the other day and a guy was wearing a Nike t-shirt and it said “Just did it” 🙂

    Comment by frigginloon | January 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I know it is/was Buick but there was no way in the world he’d be caught dead behind the wheel of one. That t-shirt is the first of many, many more to come. I should start thinking. Thinking and printing.

      Thanks Frigginloon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 4, 2010 | Reply

  11. I’m surprised he didn’t mention his cleanest, closest shave in the universe.

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | January 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Haha, I think this shave was actually too close, and he got cut. He got cut bad.

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 4, 2010 | Reply

  12. Oh well, it was his shortest drive EVER 🙂

    Comment by frigginloon | January 4, 2010 | Reply

  13. Ha…In a word, brilliant. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | January 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, I think I’m going to be doing this ‘angry letter’ business a few more times.

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 4, 2010 | Reply

  14. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    Hell to the ya! you nailed it.

    Comment by Candy | January 5, 2010 | Reply

    • I enjoyed this one. It’s a theme that I’ll undoubtedly come back to.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 5, 2010 | Reply


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