Zodi’s Blog

Angry Letters

Pat Robertson to God

             

Are you there God? It’s me….Pat. 

Dear God, I praise your heavenly name on high! First off, I want you to know that I’m not angry with you. I’m angry and frustrated at this evil, despicable, sinful, horrible, horrible world. I’m just wondering why you allow people to be so hateful and judgmental? Why can’t they see that I am the chosen one, that I have a place reserved on the right side of Jesus himself upon the holy throne? Why do you allow people to mock me so? You know that when they are mocking me, they are mocking you. So I humbly ask you not to tarry or dither but to smite them and strike them down. Please?           

I’m not angry with you lord, I just can’t yet see the bigger picture. Why do you bestow me with so much wisdom, rationality and love, and then compel me with your guiding light to speak my mind about what you have shown me, only to have people become incensed and hurtful when they hear the One Truth? Why do you allow them to disrespect me (you) your humble, chosen, holy servant? Why do you not allow the masses to see the truth as I present it to them about Haiti….that it was their own fault, that it was good for them in the long run? Why do the people not believe the truth that the Haitians made a deal with Satan to overcome the French occupation, and that the story is NOT some urban legend akin to pop rocks and Coke? Damn that Jon Stewart, damn him to the fiery pit of hell!        

I’m not angry with you lord, but when I asked that seats open up on the Supreme Court, we both know darn well what I meant. All it would have taken is a heart attack here, an aneurism there, and maybe an automobile accident or two. You could have even gotten some of those brown followers of the false prophet to prove to the world that I was (through you) a true visionary by blowing some stuff up. Some stuff being liberal Supreme Court justices.            

When I told my people (your people) that a hurricane, tornado, bomb (why can’t they just do what I tell them to DO?), or meteor was going to destroy Orlando because of the homosexuals and their Satanic agenda…..nothing happened. Why did you tell me that and then not do it? A meteor would have been just a splendid show of your awesome power.            

On the same tack, why has nothing happened yet to Dover Delaware? You promised! We need to teach the sodomites and those who would harbor their wicked ways a lesson that they’ll never forget!            

I’m not angry with you Lord, I’m really not, but when I rationally suggested that we (America) just ‘take out’ Hugo Chavez, why did that not happen? Dick Cheney was the most powerful man in the country at the time for Pete’s sake. You could’ve just made him listen, but nooooooo, nobody listens to meeee. Which means that nobody is listening to you. Please make them all pay dearly, oh Lord! Please?     

That's not to you, Lord. I'm not angry with you.

Why couldn’t you just allow a small nuke to be dropped on Foggy Bottom, like I asked? Or destroyed the state department in some other Godly way?            

Why, when it was clearly ‘your will,’ did you allow me to fail in even getting the nomination of my (our) republican party in the 1988 election. You let that brain dead dolt Bush win, and made me look like a gosh darned fool yet again. I guess I’m just a fool for you Lord. But I’m not in any way angry with you.            

I praise your holy name for blessing me with a submissive wife and four children. But unfortunately, the only one interested in following in my hallowed footsteps (of serving you) seems to be Gordon. I don’t know if the boy’s dim or just dull, but frankly, I wouldn’t trust him to manage a 7/11 much less a multi-billion dollar God-machine. Also, don’t you think he may be a bit effeminate? Lord, if he’s hiding something, I pray that you tell me now so I can ‘take him out’ with my own two hands. If I find out after I’m beside you in heaven, I swear to you that I’ll move mountains and raise seas to destroy the boy. And I don’t care how many I take with him!     

You better tell me if he's a homosexual! Tell me!

 Sorry Lord, I’m not angry with you, I just got a little rambunctious there for a minute. I’m also just a little peeved that my protein shake didn’t take off like we thought it would. I’m hurt that my cast and crew of the 700 club snicker behind my very back and I pray that you please allow some great tragedy to befall every one of them…please? I’m frustrated that my donations have gone way down over the past few years (please punish the greedy) that I was allowed to make some bad investments, and that even Fox News won’t take me seriously anymore. FOX NEWS! They even interview that crazy Birther lady! But not me!    

I should be the crazy interviewee!

                                                                                                                                                                                       

Aghghhhh Aaahhgghhgga. SHrrrrruuuaaghhhhaagghhhhh.            

Is this some kind of Job situation Lord? Are you testing my faith? I’ll gladly pay you cash to make it stop. I still have all my faith, trust and love in only you Lord so please; I beg that you just STOP IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!            

I’m not angry with you lord, I never could be. It’s just that nobody wants to look like a demented, bigoted, racist, sexist, delusional hypocrite year after year, decade after decade. This humiliation has been spread across two centuries. And I, who have been your ever humble, loyal and favorite servant don’t feel that I deserve this abuse.            

So now I pray dear Lord that you faithfully bring justice upon this evil, sodomizing, feminist, idolatrizing world and destroy it completely. If you’re not ready for that yet, maybe you could just take out a continent (Asia or Europe would be great) or even just a region (Middle East but sparing Israel….please?) and finally prove how much you love me Lord!            

ps: I’m seriously not angry with you.            

pps: Could you also get all these PC Nazis off my back?            

ppps: It’s not too late to drop a meteor on Disney. If you really want to make an old man happy?…..??……Please???

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January 17, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

39 Comments »

  1. Ha…Perhaps Pat Robertson is the modern day Job. God is testing his faith and making his final reward in Heaven all that much more pleaureable. Then again…

    God is probably just fucking with the crazy bastard. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | January 17, 2010 | Reply

    • I agree, he has to be fucking with that crazy bastard. If I were God, I’d tell him that he had to go jump off the Burj Dubai. Just have faith Pat. Now jump!

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 17, 2010 | Reply

  2. That was fucking brilliant dude.

    Being the one that God talks to and tells secrets to and then having to go out and tell everyone the truth is quite a burden. Poor Pat.

    Comment by Jay | January 17, 2010 | Reply

    • That is seriously my favorite compliment…thank you! I know, I feel bad for him too. To know soooo much and be compelled to share your knowledge, when everyone around you is so ignorant of God’s plan. He’ll get his princely rewards soon though. In that we can all take comfort.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 17, 2010 | Reply

  3. When I visit my mother in SW Virginia, it seems he is on every channel of the TV at some time of the day…and bless her evidently semi-senile self, mother watches him sometimes. I’m always amazed at how sincere he sounds when he tells one of these whoppers like the Haitian deal with satan.

    And I fear that God has lost his will to smite the way it was done during the good ole days of the Old Testament. I think Pat represents an ideal opportunity for God to get back to some fine smiting.

    Great post Scott

    Comment by David | January 17, 2010 | Reply

    • That is just another thing that is so disturbing about him. He always has done research and polling to pinpoint his audience, and then caters his speech to them. He knows that like 90% of his donations come from the elderly. He is nothing more than an old time snake oil salesman who also happens to have the worst personality/set-o-morals/worldview/superiority complex…I could go on forever, but you know what I mean.

      Why can’t these people understand that when the bible was written, they had no knowledge of the world or the way it works. They thought that lightning or an earthquake was God punishing somebody……oh wait……

      Thanks David!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2010 | Reply

  4. Damn Scott! Your post demands blatant honesty, and you’re gonna git it!

    My mom’s a little bit on the meds these days and far right of center, which means – yes! – she’s a long time Florida resident. Ahem. So she’s telling me how God is cleaning out Haiti to make more room, and I’m biting my tongue because it’s crazy Irish med mom, and I finally say “What about those big ol’ tetonic plates shifting? Maybe they played a little role there,” and in her pickled little mind, to quote B:

    ???

    ??

    ?

    Yuh. She changes the subject faster than a cornered politician, which isn’t easy when your imagination is limited by . . . well, she’s my mom and I love her to death, but sometimes it’s interesting. And more material for a “fictional” character in my writing. That was a great, great post; may a comet zip Robertson’s friggin’ wrinkled head from on high . . . may my patience be forever, may doctors find a decent “cocktail” for mi mia.

    You rock, bro!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | January 17, 2010 | Reply

    • You gotta see what I replied to David, above. It’s the same situation, and just sick and wrong (by Patsy, not moms) and pathetic. I’d love to meet your med Irish mom. My mom actually went for that crazy shit for about a year while she was dating one of these nutjobs as well. She drug me to one of those mega-churches when I was about 12. As soon as I started seeing people babbling and going batshit crazy (as they do) I literally bolted for the door and locked myself in the car for the next two hours. I never had to go again. Thank God she went back to normal and cool before she died.

      I can’t wait to meet her in your book, and hope you have a Pat-like character to punish!

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2010 | Reply

      • Unreal! Literally! I’ll cook her good in the book, Scott! Thanks again!

        Comment by Dan McGinley | January 19, 2010 | Reply

  5. oh this is so delicious!
    and so delightful
    and so brilliant

    I would think you got your hands on Pat’s journal but there is no way that wanker could write this well

    he doesn’t even do crazy justice

    you’re a gem Scott

    Comment by dianne | January 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow Dianne thanks for all of the wonderful compliments. I’m blushing in ungodly places! Glad you enjoyed it. I’m loving these angry letters myself. It reminds me when I used to write angry letters to big companies complaining about their goods and/or services. I wound up with all kinds of free shit!

      You are a diamond!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2010 | Reply

      • I agree with Dianne, Scott. This is beyond brilliant. Seriously, I can’t even think of a comment worthy of this post. Not only did you use my “got to” prhase “Are you there God? It’s me, (insert name here)”, you spoke Pat’s mind better than he could speak it himself.

        There’s nothing that pisses me off more than hate disguised as love. Especially when it comes from some greedy hypocritical old guy who’s just looking to cash in on the naivety of other people…

        You are truly the GOAL (God of Angry Letters).

        ps. The Disney comment killed! (Er, I mean it was brilliant!)

        Comment by bschooled | January 18, 2010 | Reply

        • If you truly feel that this is brilliance squared, would you mind writing me a letter of recommendation (but not an angry letter) to the Mensa people? I can’t write, call, email, or get within 100 yards…..or is it feet(?) of them, because of the whole ‘restraining order/parole violation’ thing. They became perturbed when I kidnapped their Florida chapter president and left a series of clues to find him before he ran out of oxygen or froze to death.
          *Spoiler alert- They didn’t make it in time. Dumb asses.

          Anyway, I couldn’t agree with you more about the hate disguised as love and cloaked in compassion thing. Why do all of these people think that their God can beat up every other person’s God. I swear it’s like we never left grade-school sometimes.

          Thanks for tagging me with the cool new nickname, I love it!

          Thanks B!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2010 | Reply

          • I am working on the non-angry yet still somewhat threatening recommendation letter as we speak. (Or should I say as I type).

            I just need to find out who exactly this Mensa is. (Guy? Girl? I just don’t want to end up using the wrong prefix, because that would make me look stupid!)

            After that, it will only be a matter of time. And words.

            Comment by bschooled | January 20, 2010 | Reply

            • I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this B! You ‘do’ non-angry yet subtlety threatening better than anyone else. If I were still a bookie, I’d hire you in a heartbeat to help me with collections. You could stop a charging elephant with a quietly spoken, “Just be careful there Mr. Elephant. So what’s the going rate for ivory these days?” You are the baddest ass I know.

              I’m not positive but I think that Mensa is like asexual or even sexless. Like Yoda, Janet Jackson or Margaret Thatcher. So I would just head it ‘Dear Mensa.’

              Thanks B!!

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 21, 2010 | Reply

  6. That was a great read, what’s so depressing about it(past all the humor) is that I think WAY to many people think like this guy. They don’t go spitting it out in public as much, like him, but they FEEL it. WTF are we going to do when all these bible thumping white people get behind someone like Sarah Bla Bla as the president. We can’t underestimate the bitch, she really is a danger.

    Comment by Micky-T | January 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Speaking of angry letters, I just found this from the desk of Satan. Written by His secretary, a Lilly Coyle up there in Minniappolis way….

      Dear Pat Robertson,

      I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action.

      But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

      Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”?

      If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll.

      You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

      Best, Satan

      Original source: Frank James http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2010/01/the_devil_writes_pat_robertson.html

      Comment by Micky-T | January 17, 2010 | Reply

      • That was great Micky, I saw this earlier. Why didn’t I think of that first?

        Thanks Micky!!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2010 | Reply

    • You hit the nail right on the head Micky. There are way too many people that buy into this bullshit mindset. The funny thing is that I do believe in Jesus, but I’ve also read the books that didn’t make it into the bible. I think that his main message was love and peace. I think he taught much more of a Buddhist philosophy. Unfortunately men with agendas perverted his teachings as a way to control the masses. Stellar comment!

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2010 | Reply

  7. haha….. funny post. And a great find by Micky-T

    Comment by nursemyra | January 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Glad you liked it, thanks. I loved that letter from the devil as well.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2010 | Reply

  8. Wait, this is a satire?

    Comment by Pamela Villars | January 18, 2010 | Reply

    • Barely Pamela, barely. I don’t think that he would ever actually pause to even question the voices in his head. Not in ‘real life.’

      Thanks Pamela!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2010 | Reply

  9. I enjoyed reading this post very much. Sadly though there are a lot of crazies out there who believe this kind of crap. Last night I watched a program about people who believe in an apocalyptic end to the world. One, Ron Weinland, (I think I have the correct spelling) was prominently featured. He believes the end is in sight, starting March this year. According to this program 60% of Americans believe in an apocalyptic end. Fundamentalism, in any shape or form, is dangerous.

    Comment by the spectator | January 18, 2010 | Reply

  10. Have you been touched by the Lord today? For just a dollar, less than a cup of premium coffee, I can send you a “touch from God”…

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | January 18, 2010 | Reply

    • You know Rooster, thanks to you I now know of a much better service that I can receive for just a dollar.

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2010 | Reply

      • Wash a man’s balls on the street and they’re clean for a day, but a “touch from God” lasts for like six showers.

        Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | January 25, 2010 | Reply

        • That reminds me of the time he kissed my cheeck and I didn’t shower for like 3 weeks. I had to give in because of the stench and itch.

          Thanks Rooster!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 25, 2010 | Reply

  11. Classic funny Scott and that’s its true is really scary.

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | January 18, 2010 | Reply

    • I appreciate the compliment FJ! As I said earlier…scarier than Paula Abdul on Phetanyl.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2010 | Reply

  12. If whoever that god Paterson is talking about so much as touches me, I will have his sorry ass sued faster than you can say Fred Phelps is a friggin bigotted asshole. Amen,

    Comment by frigginloon | January 18, 2010 | Reply

    • Even though his God isn’t the same as the Catholic Church’s God, I do think that they learn from each other’s mistakes. But if something untoward does happen, I know a great lawyer.

      Thanks Frigginloon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2010 | Reply

  13. Wait, is he angry with the Lord?

    hee hee..great burn dude!
    Nice work.

    Comment by Candy | January 18, 2010 | Reply

    • He is Candy, he is indeed. He just can’t admit to himself or the lord.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 19, 2010 | Reply

  14. I marvel at your genius.

    Loved it!

    Comment by candice | January 19, 2010 | Reply

    • It would be nice if Marvel marveled at my genius. Glad you enjoyed it!

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 20, 2010 | Reply

  15. Wonderful post, Scott. He’s a scary man, that Mr. Roberston. Gives us other old lunatics a bad name.

    Comment by Donald Mills | January 20, 2010 | Reply

    • The whole situation is starting to scare the shit out of me. These people are looking more and more like they are going to take over America…..soon. Palin’s book is a best seller and nobody can even admit to believing in evolution. In this day and age…… If they do take over, I’m never, ever going back. Ever!

      Thanks Don!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 20, 2010 | Reply


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